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#Post#: 72574--------------------------------------------------
Re: The More the Merrier?
By: NFPwife Date: December 22, 2021, 3:20 pm
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=2239.msg72572#msg72572
date=1640202857]
[quote author=Jem link=topic=2239.msg72571#msg72571
date=1640202485]
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=2239.msg72566#msg72566
date=1640200498]
I am of the camp that you should never invite someone to an
event unless you are the one hosting it in your home. We have a
well established precedent that random people will be invited to
family events. However, even though we never said no, my family
still asks me if it is ok.
I think if your FIL should have said "Sorry, we aren't open to
having additional people this year. Let us know if you want to
come by after you host your neighbor at your house."
[/quote]
Agreed. To be clear though, SIL doesn't host people at her
house. She never intended (and still does not) intend to host
the neighbor at her house. She fully invited the neighbor to my
FIL's (her father) house without asking. Frankly, I am very
relieved that she mentioned the invitation on the group text as
opposed to simply showing up with a random stranger with recent
possible COVID exposure (from my FIL's perspective)!
[/quote]
Oh, I understood that she never intended to host the neighbor in
her own home. But FIL doesn't have to let on that he knows that
too.
[/quote]
It also sets the "Your neighbor, you're hosting," expectation in
a subtle way. Maybe too subtle for this SIL, though.
#Post#: 72579--------------------------------------------------
Re: The More the Merrier?
By: Winterlight Date: December 22, 2021, 9:10 pm
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#1- SIL was very much in the wrong. People may be more flexible
about this in normal times, but right now, adding someone who
your FIL doesn't know and isn't sure about (and given his state
of health he has to be very careful), especially when FIL is
hosting, SIL needs to either stay home and host Neighbor or come
with her own family only.
#2- Sister was wrong and rude, and especially rude for allowing
her daughters to ignore their cousin in Cousin's home.
I don't blame Neighbor or Random Girl in these scenarios. The
inviters were both out of line IMO. Also, as someone who prefers
dogs to people, I still understand that not everyone else will
want Doggo there.
#Post#: 72589--------------------------------------------------
Re: The More the Merrier?
By: BeagleMommy Date: December 23, 2021, 10:14 am
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Situation #1: SIL was rude. You just don't invite extra people
to an event you're not hosting. During COVID that goes double.
Considering FIL is immunocompromised? Triple!
Situation #2: Sister was rude on a variety of levels. First,
to bring an extra person to an event she wasn't hosting.
Second, to allow her children to exclude their cousin in her
home. Third, to insist on an equal division of the cookies.
#Post#: 72606--------------------------------------------------
Re: The More the Merrier?
By: TootsNYC Date: December 23, 2021, 8:27 pm
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Situation 1: SIL was rude.
Even without FIL's health, it's rude to treat someone else's
hospitality as though it is yours to extend to others.
My MIL was talking about how she'd invited a cousin and his
wife for Christmas; we always include them, as they have very
little local family--except for the wife's brother. Last year,
the wife brought along her brother, without mentioning it ahead
of time. My FIL was angry, apparently--we only found out he was
coming when he walked in the door with them.
This year, when MIL called to ask if they could come, they
did at least tell her that they would bring him. Though I think
they didn't ask. And I think my MIL would prefer to not have
him.
However, he has only his sister, and he's developmentally
disabled--slightly--and I know she'd want to spend the day with
him around. He's pleasant, it's just that we don't really know
him.
Situation #2: Sister was rude. She was doubly rude because she
focused so much on this other girl, instead of bending her adult
"wiles" toward creating a more cohesive group that included ALL
the girls.
I know sometimes people make fun of me and my "that's
covetousness!" kick, but both of these women were covetous
toward other people's hospitality. They treated that gift of
hospitality as though it was theirs to direct and dispose of.
#Post#: 72608--------------------------------------------------
Re: The More the Merrier?
By: EtiquetteE Date: December 23, 2021, 10:07 pm
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Situation #1 - horribly rude of the SIL. Hard no and OK to tell
the SIL that no additional guests are welcome under the
circumstances.
Situation #2 - horribly rude of your sister. She put you on the
spot and of course you wouldn't want to tell a child they were
not welcome, but I would rethink inviting the sister for future
cookie baking. If you did, it would be completely reasonable to
tell her the invite was for her and her daughter only and no
additional guests would be welcome. But after how they behaved,
I'd be looking for new people for the cookie tradition.
#Post#: 72610--------------------------------------------------
Re: The More the Merrier?
By: sms Date: December 24, 2021, 1:34 pm
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I concur, you don't make assumptions like that. You have to at
the very least ask.
The thing is, like Jem mentioned in the cookie baking situation
it's not just the host that might be inconvenienced or
uncomfortable.
The whole dynamic changes.
I usually don't mind extra people being there but there have
been times I was looking forward to a smaller gathering.
#Post#: 72643--------------------------------------------------
Re: The More the Merrier?
By: mime Date: December 27, 2021, 12:47 am
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Situation 1: SIL was out of line, even without covid and poor
health! She is not the host, she has no right to try to extend
someone else's hospitality to strangers. If she had a prior
commitment to the neighbor, then she should decline the family
invitation and do her own thing with the non-family.
Situation 2: rude of the sister. What a horrible way to treat
her niece who was part of the family welcoming them into her
home. You don't do that to people. She should have learned that
before becoming an adult. And giving a share to the friend: was
that Sister's share getting split between sister's daughters and
friend? Or did Sister bring extra ingredients to balance the
cost? Or was Sister actually expecting Niece would be giving up
some of her share of the cookies for an uninvited crasher? Not
nice.
#Post#: 72663--------------------------------------------------
Re: The More the Merrier?
By: Lula Date: December 27, 2021, 12:47 pm
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I hold nothing against the uninvited girl in Situation #2. OP's
sister, the adult, dragged her into that situation and was
squarely in the wrong.
#Post#: 72664--------------------------------------------------
Re: The More the Merrier?
By: JeanFromBNA Date: December 27, 2021, 12:48 pm
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How'd Christmas turn out?
#Post#: 72669--------------------------------------------------
Re: The More the Merrier?
By: mime Date: December 27, 2021, 1:24 pm
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[quote author=Lula link=topic=2239.msg72663#msg72663
date=1640630861]
I hold nothing against the uninvited girl in Situation #2. OP's
sister, the adult, dragged her into that situation and was
squarely in the wrong.
[/quote]
Oh I totally agree with that. The kid simply accepted an
invitation from Sister's family. She wouldn't have known it
wasn't offered by the real host.
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