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#Post#: 72273--------------------------------------------------
Gifting Money . . .
By: jpcher Date: December 7, 2021, 12:02 pm
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Is it etiquette-approved that you, the gift giver, can stipulate
what the gifted money is intended for?
Or, once the money is gifted, is it out of your hands and the
giftee could do whatever they want to with the money?
I'd like to gift some monies to my DDs for Xmas for specific
reasons (and I would state such reasons). But I'm wondering if I
would be wrong in thinking that's not the gift I gave you if
they chose to spend the money on something else.
Reasons for my not purchasing/paying for the gift directly?
Student loans. I don't have the account number to pay into it,
but I'd like to pay towards the ending amount due. Money towards
a down payment on a home, plans are in the works but nothing
firm yet.
Just wondering what your thoughts are on this. Stipulating
gifted money? Or once it's gifted it out of your hands.
#Post#: 72275--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting Money . . .
By: STiG Date: December 7, 2021, 12:26 pm
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I'm in the 'both' camp. You can suggest what the money is to be
used for but it is ultimately the giftee's decision on how to
spend it.
So you can say, 'Merry Christmas; here is some money to put
towards your student loans.' But if your DD(s) decide to go buy
a Gucci purse instead, that's their choice.
If you are concerned the money won't be used how you intended
then the best way to deal with it would be to get the account
numbers so you can pay directly.
#Post#: 72280--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting Money . . .
By: Rose Red Date: December 7, 2021, 1:15 pm
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I agree it's both. You can say "I hope this will help towards
your student loan/house payment" but it's their choice. But they
shouldn't come crying for more if they need it for their student
loan/down payment in the near future (which I doubt they will).
#Post#: 72281--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting Money . . .
By: sandisadie Date: December 7, 2021, 1:22 pm
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I'm in the "both" camp too. Here's what I would do in your case
re the student loan payments. Since you don't have the loan #
perhaps you could not actually give the money but instead write
something which states what you want to do and how much you will
contribute when you find out how to go about paying into the
student loan account. Once the DDs are thrilled and willingly
agree with your gift then I think all will turn out the way you
want it to. Normally though, I would agree that when money is
given as an actual gift then it is up to the person receiving
the gift to do what they want with it. Even though you might
tell them how you would like for them to spend it.
#Post#: 72282--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting Money . . .
By: TootsNYC Date: December 7, 2021, 1:26 pm
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I'm with STiG. You can say what you want it to be put toward.
Of course, you can't force them to spend it that way.
I'm of the opinion that it's OK to be upset if they don't use it
that way, and how upset you are should be influenced by how it's
used, and what message that sends to you.
If they spend money earmarked for student loans on a tropical
vacation instead, I'd be upset. But I couldn't be as upset if
they spent money intended for a vacation on bills instead.
In a way, that's not etiquette, because it's your
emotions--though I think the principles of etiquette should
influence you.
How you express any negative feelings would be guided by
etiquette rules, because that's an external expression and now
affects others. And I think you'd have to be careful about it.
I think if someone cares a lot about how that money is spent,
they shouldn't give it, or they should give it in such a way
that it can't be "misspent."
Like, take them as guests on a vacation, or buy them a gift
certificate to the hotel, or make up your own gift certificate
and offer to pay the bills when they are ready to book.
Those all seem less gracious, right? Which I think means it's an
awkward gift to give.
So in the case of student loans, I might suggest one not make it
be "the Christmas gift," and instead make it a general gift, or
an offer of help, so you can ask for the account information,
etc., and pay directly.
Or, do the mental work necessary to let go of how they spend it,
so you can express the hope for how they'll use it, and be at
peace if they do something else.
#Post#: 72284--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting Money . . .
By: Jayhawk Date: December 7, 2021, 1:59 pm
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"A gift is tied with ribbon, not strings." However, I think
you're ok to suggest what you'd like to see it used for.
#Post#: 72294--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting Money . . .
By: BeagleMommy Date: December 8, 2021, 11:25 am
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I'm in the camp that says you can suggest what they use the
money for, but once you give the money to them they can use it
as they see fit.
If you wanted to be sure the money went toward the loan I would
say to DDs "I want to pay part of your student loan as a
Christmas gift. Would you feel comfortable giving me the
account number so I can pay it directly?".
#Post#: 72323--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting Money . . .
By: TootsNYC Date: December 9, 2021, 2:25 pm
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Oh! I just remembered something.
I had a niece that needed money to pay her rent.
I didn't want to make it a gift; it felt odd, this wasn't
generosity the way a gift was and I had some conditions (like:
"get a plan to not be behind in the future").
But I didn't want it to be a loan; I knew she couldn't pay me
back, and I didn't want her to have that burden.
I decided to call it a grant. When you apply for a grant, you
don't have to pay it back, but you DO have to qualify, and you
have to use the money for the purpose that the grantor
specifies.
#Post#: 72326--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting Money . . .
By: SnappyLT Date: December 9, 2021, 3:18 pm
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May I share a long story that shaped how I look upon money
gifts?
Long background story: Decades ago my wife and I were newly
married, living in a condo and saving money toward buying a
house and starting a family.
One of my wife's aunts had just escaped (along with two young
children) from a marriage to a violent husband. My wife's aunt
had reason to fear that her ex-husband could show up at her door
with a gun again, as he had in the past.
My wife thought that a burglar alarm and panic button would be a
good idea for her aunt. Her aunt said she had already thought of
that and had looked into it. Her aunt said she could afford the
monthly alarm monitoring fee, but she just didn't have the cash
to pay for the installation of the alarm system.
So my wife and I gave her aunt the money to have the burglar
alarm and panic button installed. Her aunt agreed that she would
pay the monthly monitoring fee.
A few months later my wife and I were invited to her aunt's home
for supper. I looked around, curious to see the alarm system we
had paid for, but it was not visible. So, I asked my wife's
aunt.
My wife's aunt took me into her kitchen, pointed to her new
dishwasher and thanked me for the money to buy the dishwasher.
She explained that she had decided she needed a dishwasher more
than she needed an alarm system.
I think my wife and I just said, "Oh!" (We didn't get upset but
we also did NOT say "That's OK.")
We were newlyweds, we were saving for buying a house ourselves
and starting a family ourselves. While we were happy to give her
aunt money to use to protect herself and her children from the
violent ex-husband, my wife and I would NOT have given her aunt
money for a dishwasher!
What I learned: Once cash is out of my hands, I have no control
over how it is spent. If I want to be sure money is used for a
certain purpose, I need to send the money directly to where it
needs to go.
For example, if we had realized that my wife's aunt would
mislead us like that, we would have bought her aunt an alarm
company gift certificate.
So, to answer the OP's question, if you really want to be sure
the money is used for student loans, get the account number and
send the payment in yourself, or give your daughter a check
payable to the lender for your daughter to send in herself.
Personally, I think it is OK to give a restricted gift,
especially if it is for something like paying down student loans
or paying down a mortgage.
#Post#: 72330--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting Money . . .
By: LurkingGurl Date: December 9, 2021, 6:45 pm
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I would avoid doing this altogether. Just get them something
nice or give them a nice sum of money for Christmas. Let
Christmas be Christmas! And then pick another time, not
connected to a gift giving season, to tell them that you want to
give them $x to help pay off the student loan or put money on a
house. Because then you can earmark what the money is for. It's
still a gift, but it's a gift with a specific purpose, separate
from any other purpose. "I'm giving you this money for you to
put a down payment on a house." "I'm giving you $X to pay down
your student loans."
I gave one of my kids and his wife ten grand to put down as part
of their down payment on a house. We had promised them that we
would "help" and when the time came, they asked us if we were
still willing to help out. I told him what I could do and they
gratefully accepted it. Now, if for some reason they had decided
at that point not to buy a house, I would have expected it
back--or at the very least put into a savings account for a
future home purchase. It would not have sat well with me for
them to use it to take a vacation or the like because I don't
have money laying around for people to use any old way they
want. It was a specific gift, for a specific purpose in a very
large specific amount.
The circumstances of it made that helped make it very clear
because there was no other reason for the gift.
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