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#Post#: 71788--------------------------------------------------
How to handle thunder stealing cousins
By: STiG Date: November 17, 2021, 6:22 pm
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My bonus daughter is pregnant with her third baby, the first to
make it out of the first trimester. She is about 32 weeks so
things are looking good. She and her husband have been trying
for over 4 years and have gone through numerous fertility
treatments. She posted their story at the beginning of October,
with reference to it being pregnancy loss and infertility
awareness month so everyone knows how much this baby is wanted
and loved already. They have chosen to wait to find out the
gender. Her baby shower is on Saturday.
Monday, one of her cousins posted that she is expecting her
third child in May, 2022, so just out of the 1st trimester. And
further announces today that it is a boy. All of her children
have different, absent fathers. The first was a teenage
pregnancy. The father does have visitation but I believe it is
more his parents have visitation. The second baby is about 18
months, I think. The father wants nothing to do with either the
cousin or his daughter. This third baby is with yet another man
that she was gushing about on Facebook a couple months ago who
has now, not surprisingly, dropped her. Don't know yet whether
or not he will remain in his child's life.
Cousin's sister? Is also pregnant and due in March. She wanted
to be at the shower but has another commitment. She messaged
DbD and told her directly. She is definitely the grounded one
in her family; their brother is a bit... off, too. DbD is
pretty sure cousin got pregnant on purpose with both these
babies because her sister was pregnant.
DbD is somewhat upset that she decided to share this news this
week, rather than waiting until next week.
This is seems to be par for the course. Yet another cousin
decided to announce that she was pregnant at DbD's bridal
shower.
On to my question: I am one of those people who plays scenarios
out in my head, so I have some ready responses/phrases when I
need them. I do not intend to congratulate cousin when I see
her. I haven't yet acknowledged her post on Facebook. I'm not
sure if I'm going to or not but if I do, it will be after DbD's
baby shower. This cousin seems to be the type to say, 'Aren't
you going to congratulate me?' So I want to be ready with a
response.
'No, I'm not, at least not right now. Today is about DbD and
DbSIL's 3rd baby and the first one they are going to get to
hold. I think DbD deserves a day of celebration just for them.'
Annnnnd mic drop. Too harsh? Not harsh enough? Some better
way to get across the point that I think it was incredibly
obnoxious of her to make her announcement this week instead of
waiting until next week.
I may be anticipating the worst but better to be prepared,
right?
#Post#: 71790--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to handle thunder stealing cousins
By: DaDancingPsych Date: November 17, 2021, 8:04 pm
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I understand DbD's feelings of disappointment. We all want to be
the center of attention when it is our turn. And it's possible
that these cousins are trying to one-up her... or they are just
making their pregnancy announcements (admittedly the bridal
shower wasn't a good choice.) But putting others down doesn't
make someone feel more celebrated. Why not focus your energy on
making DbD's pregnancy special? Find ways to make sure she knows
that she is special and that you are excited for the baby.
And why not congratulate this cousin? She deserves to be
celebrated, too (again, at the appropriate times.) Actually, I
would send a quick message now. Short and sweet. And just get
the task done. Then you don't have to deal with it during the
shower. Then you don't need a magical phrase.
Is this cousin really so thirsty for attention that she would
insist making this shower about her rather than DbD? If that is
the case, then I might question if this is someone we want to
invite.
STiG, I really enjoy you as a fellow poster. This post reads to
me that you are almost saying that you feel that DbD should be
the only one pregnant. I find that out of character for you, so
maybe there's some backstory that I don't understand. But I
think that you may be approaching this situation with some
emotional baggage. I like your idea of thinking things through,
but maybe you should consider why you are having this reaction.
#Post#: 71792--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to handle thunder stealing cousins
By: oogyda Date: November 17, 2021, 8:43 pm
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My first thought was
"Don't invite her."
If you don't feel like you can do that, then I would also
suggest that you acknowledge and congratulate her now so that
she doesn't have reason to make those demands at DbD's baby
shower.
#Post#: 71797--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to handle thunder stealing cousins
By: STiG Date: November 17, 2021, 10:00 pm
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I don't think that no one else can be pregnant at the same time
as DbD. I do think that the day of her shower, the attention
should be on her. Purposely - and I do think it is on purpose -
trying to take away the limelight is pretty obnoxious, IMO. If
cousin's sister were able to attend, I'd have no problem briefly
congratulating her and moving on.
There is a fair amount of backstory that may be colouring my
perceptions - and as a latecomer to the family, I don't even
know all of it. Other cousin is not currently in DH and my
lives because of something she said and did that was horribly
out of line, not her place, and caused a huge rift between DH
and his brother that is just now starting to heal. I'm waiting
for the other shoe to drop and have her cause a rift again.
Cousin is always moaning and groaning about how she can't find a
man. Hmmm... how about making sure your relationship is on
solid footing AND the father is on board, before you get
pregnant? So yeah, that's colouring my perceptions. And I don't
really feel like congratulating her on getting herself pregnant
at the expense of the father. I think there is jealousy on her
part because her sister and her cousin, DbD, have the lives she
thinks she wants but is sure going about it the wrong way,
trying to find that for herself. There is a lot of 'but
s/he/they are faaaammmmmiiiiillllyyyy' going on, I think. And
hopefully, that can stop in the future.
#Post#: 71798--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to handle thunder stealing cousins
By: lakey Date: November 17, 2021, 10:19 pm
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[quote] DbD is pretty sure cousin got pregnant on purpose with
both these babies because her sister was pregnant.[/quote]
I wouldn't assume that. Judging by her ongoing behavior, she is
probably just immature and flaky. She sounds like someone who
just doesn't think things through. As far as coming up with some
way to respond to her if she asks for congratulations, why even
bother. Raising three young children without the support of
their fathers is going to be a lifetime of difficulties. She
very well may make some awkward comment because she is not a
mature person, you can be the bigger person and let it go. She
already has enough problems.
#Post#: 71805--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to handle thunder stealing cousins
By: Aleko Date: November 18, 2021, 2:46 am
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[quote]I may be anticipating the worst but better to be
prepared, right?[/quote]
No: wrong!
I’m certain that you should behave exactly as you would
behave if she had announced her pregnancy at any other time. She
may be deliberately attention-grabbing, but equally she may
simply be announcing it because it has just been confirmed and
she is thrilled and wants to tell everyone. And, tbh, why
shouldn’t she? Getting pregnant - even if you are only
doing it to compete with a cousin, which I personally find
rather hard to imagine - isn’t something you can control
the date of.
Failing to acknowledge her announcement in a timely fashion, let
alone saying outright that you refuse to do so till after
DBD’s shower, will be clearly seen as a hostile attitude:
because it is. If she was really trying to upstage DBD, your
attitude will prove that her scheme has succeeded delightfully.
If her intent was innocent, it will be very hurtful. Either way,
you will have given her a legitimate gripe against you. Just do
the polite thing, and don’t let anyone guess that you even
considered this an affront. If anybody else thinks her
announcement was ill-timed and rude, let them be the ones to say
so. Not you.
#Post#: 71810--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to handle thunder stealing cousins
By: Bada Date: November 18, 2021, 6:28 am
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I'd think of something very short to say. Maybe just
"congratulations" or "I hope the baby is beautiful and healthy."
Then I'd make up an excuse to leave the conversation. As the
party hostess that should be easy enough to do.
#Post#: 71811--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to handle thunder stealing cousins
By: lowspark Date: November 18, 2021, 7:34 am
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[quote author=STiG link=topic=2212.msg71788#msg71788
date=1637194963]
Monday, one of her cousins posted that she is expecting her
third child in May, 2022, so just out of the 1st trimester. And
further announces today that it is a boy.
[/quote]
She posted... like on Facebook? So, reply there with your
congratulations. Done. Then if she asks you at the shower, you
can say, I did! I replied on Facebook. And then yeah, as Bada
said, party hostess duties distract you.
Whatever objectional motives this cousin might have, don't lower
yourself to her level.
The very best way to keep the spotlight on your DbD is to not
give any air or space to the cousin. The more time and effort
you expend on coming up with ways to foil her, the more you are
playing at HER game, and losing.
#Post#: 71812--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to handle thunder stealing cousins
By: STiG Date: November 18, 2021, 7:47 am
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[quote author=Bada link=topic=2212.msg71810#msg71810
date=1637238539]
I'd think of something very short to say. Maybe just
"congratulations" or "I hope the baby is beautiful and healthy."
Then I'd make up an excuse to leave the conversation. As the
party hostess that should be easy enough to do.
[/quote]
I agree that this is the best way to go.
Just discovered a possible reason why my feelings on this have
been as strong as they have. I have accidentally been off my
anti-anxiety medication for about a week. ::) I fill two
weeks worth of those pill containers at a time. Only had a few
of that one left but filled in the rest of what I take, got the
med ordered and picked up and didn't go back and fill in the
containers.
Though the good news is that I haven't been as sick as I
normally get when I've forgotten before. So time to talk to the
doctor about tapering down my dosage.
#Post#: 71814--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to handle thunder stealing cousins
By: IWish Date: November 18, 2021, 8:07 am
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I don't have a problem at all with announcing her pregnancy
before another person's baby shower. I don't feel like anyone
"owns" that time frame. Now, announcing it AT her baby shower
would be rude, IMO, especially given the first two losses. And
if the cousin is spending more time at the baby shower talking
about her pregnancy than celebrating the other mom-to-be, that's
inconsiderate as well. And you're certainly not required to gush
over the cousin, especially at the shower. But if you are asked,
just congratulate her and let it go. It's a new life, even if
you don't agree with her choices (and I would not either.)
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