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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 71360--------------------------------------------------
1st holiday after death in the family
By: Rain Date: November 2, 2021, 4:53 pm
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My DM passed away earlier this year and my FOO is scattered
across the US (aka we don't get together)
My DH's family is extremely close & all live within 30-60
minutes away.
We normally host turkey day and I've already told DH I don't
want to this year.
Would it be awful if I stayed home/avoided everyone this year?
#Post#: 71363--------------------------------------------------
Re: 1st holiday after death in the family
By: Nikko-chan Date: November 2, 2021, 5:31 pm
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Not at all. We are going through the same thing in our family.
My cousin passed away in August. Though we are all getting
together because we ddint last year, I want to be on hand
specifically to comfort my aunt and my young cousin. But its
also okay if you want to be alone.
#Post#: 71364--------------------------------------------------
Re: 1st holiday after death in the family
By: Jem Date: November 2, 2021, 6:02 pm
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Different people are going to handle grief in different ways. If
you want to be alone, then don't feel that you need to be part
of social gatherings. You certainly don't have to host if you
don't want to, for whatever reason.
I am sorry for your loss.
#Post#: 71365--------------------------------------------------
Re: 1st holiday after death in the family
By: Rose Red Date: November 2, 2021, 7:08 pm
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No you're not awful. You are grieving which can leave no room
for other emotions. The first full year is the worst and you
probably still think about her every day. It gets easier but
birthdays and holidays can still be difficult as the years pass.
#Post#: 71367--------------------------------------------------
Re: 1st holiday after death in the family
By: mime Date: November 2, 2021, 10:54 pm
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I'm so sorry for your loss.
I completely understand stepping down from hosting and even
staying home yourself for Thanksgiving. I'd do the same.
Hosting Thanksgiving for in-laws would be really tough: You'd be
trying to make sure your guests have a good time while you're
grieving your mom, and even if DH's family is wonderful and
supportive, they would still be in a very different headspace
than you on the holiday.
Some people might find hosting to be a great escape from grief
or even help them through it. I would be emotionally drained by
it.
Don't be afraid to change up the traditions and even skip this
year if that gives you the relief from stress, solitude, time to
reflect, time to heal, or whatever else it is you need to have
peace.
#Post#: 71372--------------------------------------------------
Re: 1st holiday after death in the family
By: Hmmm Date: November 3, 2021, 8:14 am
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I'm sorry for your loss.
You are not horrible for wanting to forgo hosting Tday this
year. Deciding to attend a holiday gathering should also be up
to you. Just ask your DH what he would prefer. Does he want to
go ahead and attend without you? How do you feel about him going
if you decided to not go?
#Post#: 71375--------------------------------------------------
Re: 1st holiday after death in the family
By: gramma dishes Date: November 3, 2021, 9:00 am
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It sounds like it's someone else in DH's family's turn to host
Thanksgiving this year. You certainly should not feel
pressured to do it. If someone else does step up to host, you
can decide then whether or not you want to attend as just a
regular family member guest.
#Post#: 71376--------------------------------------------------
Re: 1st holiday after death in the family
By: TootsNYC Date: November 3, 2021, 9:44 am
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I'm so sorry about your mom!
I'm in agreement with everyone else.
And my family has been through this just recently--my dear FIL
died last June, and then eventually came Christmas, which my MIL
usually hosts.
In a way, we were actually helped by the COVID restrictions,
because the big family gathering wasn't really feasible.
So we did something very different--my family brought all our
gifts (which we used to leave at home to open on Boxing Day,
with just us, instead of having them be subsumed in the big
family craziness) to MIL's and we had a small present opening.
It was very nice.
We were able to keep some of the fun of Christmas, but it
was just different.
I think that traditions like this SHOULD flex, and times of
grieving are a reasonable catalyst.
If I spoke to your DH, I'd encourage him to help you find ways
to spend the day that created some new emotional and family
intimacy--maybe I'd suggest he set up a family Zoom for your
family; and maybe I'd suggest he think about who is most
important to you, locally (friends, maybe the people you jell
with most in his family, like the SIL you tend to hang out with)
and invite them to stop by for dessert or something.
I'll also say this: I often expect that the presence of my big,
boisterous iL family wll be annoying to me--and then it isn't. I
end up feeling comforted by them, welcomed, supported, etc.
Do what you need to.
#Post#: 71379--------------------------------------------------
Re: 1st holiday after death in the family
By: Aleko Date: November 3, 2021, 11:28 am
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I'm with everyone else in thinking that you should absolutely
not feel obligated to host this year, and indeed I'd be amazed
if your in-laws blithely expected you to carry on hosting
Christmas just as usual. Yes, just ask DH to let his family
know, so they have plenty of time to agree among themselves the
who and the where.
I'm much less confident that staying home and avoiding everyone
would necessarily turn out to be a good idea. Going to a
Christmas gathering somewhere different with no hard labour to
do might fill you with fresh grief (and if it does, if these are
decent people with a shred of sensitivity they will surely
understand and sympathise); but equally the noise, the company
and the amount of stuff just going on around you (presents being
opened, gossip being exchanged, kids getting hyper) just might
distract you from grief instead. Whereas if you're at home alone
at Christmas, really what option does that give you other than
moping?
I know how strong the impulse can be to crawl into a hole and
shut the world out; but it's not always wise to follow it.
#Post#: 71386--------------------------------------------------
Re: 1st holiday after death in the family
By: BeagleMommy Date: November 3, 2021, 2:28 pm
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I am so sorry for your loss, Rain.
Everybody grieves differently. You are not wrong for not
wanting to host Thanksgiving this year. Holidays/birthdays are
especially hard when you've recently lost someone.
Talk to your DH. Let him know how hard this would be for you
this year and tell him he needs to let his family know someone
else needs to host this year.
Participate as much, or as little, as you feel up to.
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