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#Post#: 76486--------------------------------------------------
Re: Discussion on FB making "flakiness" ok?
DIR By: sms
Date: July 25, 2022, 3:17 pm
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Right, for the failure to commit one way or the other I just
treat it as a no. No chasing ( I used to chase, then get mad
until I finally did myself a favour and made the decision for
them ).
But I tend to agree with you Jem, this is getting old. I had a
chat with a mutual friend who makes a lot of excuses for her
saying things like well she's just super comfortable with us
because we don't put any pressure on her.
Well, yes I want her to be comfortable with me and I don't want
to pressure her ( and in fact have gone out of my way to make
sure she knows I'm not offended with no ). But I don't want
someone to be comfortable being rude!
#Post#: 76513--------------------------------------------------
Re: Discussion on FB making "flakiness" ok?
DIR By: lowspark
Date: July 27, 2022, 11:43 am
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--- Quote from: Xainte link ---
>
> I care about them and don't want to write them off. Other
mutual friends say to keep inviting them, don't give up on them
but I get the impression they can do things when they want to or
need to so the flaking is starting to wear at me.
>
> What does everyone think? How much do you tolerate?
>
--- End Quote ---
Invite them to things where it doesn't matter if they show or
not. Don't schedule lunch out with just them. But maybe invite
them to a gathering where their presence doesn't make or break
the event.
When you and your friends are going the route of continuing to
invite them, is it for their sake, i.e., wanting to include them
as a way of helping them to remain active socially? Or for you
sake, because you really like and want to see them?
If it's for your sake, then only you can decide when the reward
is no longer worth the risk, so to speak.
If it's for theirs then remember what they tell us on airplanes,
put your mask on first before you help others. In other words,
taking care of yourself necessarily comes first.
#Post#: 76514--------------------------------------------------
Re: Discussion on FB making "flakiness" ok?
DIR By: Jem
Date: July 27, 2022, 1:11 pm
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--- Quote from: lowspark link ---
>
> [quote author=Xainte link=topic=2189.msg76483#msg76483
date=1658774971]
> I care about them and don't want to write them off. Other
mutual friends say to keep inviting them, don't give up on them
but I get the impression they can do things when they want to or
need to so the flaking is starting to wear at me.
>
> What does everyone think? How much do you tolerate?
>
--- End Quote ---
Invite them to things where it doesn't matter if they show or
not. Don't schedule lunch out with just them. But maybe invite
them to a gathering where their presence doesn't make or break
the event.
When you and your friends are going the route of continuing to
invite them, is it for their sake, i.e., wanting to include them
as a way of helping them to remain active socially? Or for you
sake, because you really like and want to see them?
If it's for your sake, then only you can decide when the reward
is no longer worth the risk, so to speak.
If it's for theirs then remember what they tell us on airplanes,
put your mask on first before you help others. In other words,
taking care of yourself necessarily comes first.
[/quote]
This is good advice. I would add that I wouldn't say anything
that would lead the "flaky" person to believe that their
behavior is okay. So nothing like, "that's okay," or "no
problem." I would tell them directly that their behavior bothers
and upsets me.
#Post#: 76556--------------------------------------------------
Re: Discussion on FB making "flakiness" ok?
DIR By: sms
Date: July 29, 2022, 10:12 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Jem link ---
>
> [quote author=lowspark link=topic=2189.msg76513#msg76513
date=1658940202]
> [quote author=Xainte link=topic=2189.msg76483#msg76483
date=1658774971]
> I care about them and don't want to write them off. Other
mutual friends say to keep inviting them, don't give up on them
but I get the impression they can do things when they want to or
need to so the flaking is starting to wear at me.
>
> What does everyone think? How much do you tolerate?
>
--- End Quote ---
Invite them to things where it doesn't matter if they show or
not. Don't schedule lunch out with just them. But maybe invite
them to a gathering where their presence doesn't make or break
the event.
When you and your friends are going the route of continuing to
invite them, is it for their sake, i.e., wanting to include them
as a way of helping them to remain active socially? Or for you
sake, because you really like and want to see them?
If it's for your sake, then only you can decide when the reward
is no longer worth the risk, so to speak.
If it's for theirs then remember what they tell us on airplanes,
put your mask on first before you help others. In other words,
taking care of yourself necessarily comes first.
[/quote]
This is good advice. I would add that I wouldn't say anything
that would lead the "flaky" person to believe that their
behavior is okay. So nothing like, "that's okay," or "no
problem." I would tell them directly that their behavior bothers
and upsets me.
[/quote]
I would say both, I've dithered in the past about whether an
invitation was just going to stress them out but then thought
this is how people become isolated. And of course we want to
keep seeing them! So I'd say it was a mix of both motives.
Most invitations do matter, more or less, if they show even if
it's just the amount of food I buy or the time and scheduling I
put into arranging things. It's relatively minor, I admit, but
lately I've been wondering why bother.
#Post#: 76682--------------------------------------------------
Re: Discussion on FB making "flakiness" ok?
DIR By: Tea Drinker
Date: August 5, 2022, 3:45 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: lowspark link ---
>
> [quote author=Xainte link=topic=2189.msg76483#msg76483
date=1658774971]
> I care about them and don't want to write them off. Other
mutual friends say to keep inviting them, don't give up on them
but I get the impression they can do things when they want to or
need to so the flaking is starting to wear at me.
>
> What does everyone think? How much do you tolerate?
>
--- End Quote ---
Invite them to things where it doesn't matter if they show or
not. Don't schedule lunch out with just them. But maybe invite
them to a gathering where their presence doesn't make or break
the event.
[/quote]
My best friend would sometimes tell people something like "I
will be in X Bar from 6-8 on Tuesday. If you want to come hang
out, cool, if not, I will read my book, or write." She'd get
there, find a table, order a drink, and take out her notebook. I
joined her there a few times, and we talked and/or read our
respective books, or wrote.
That comes to mind in case this is someone who doesn't deal well
with socializing in larger groups.
#Post#: 76828--------------------------------------------------
Re: Discussion on FB making "flakiness" ok?
DIR By: Rainbow
Date: August 17, 2022, 6:54 am
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--- Quote from: Aleko link ---
>
> [quote][quote]Quote from: jazzgirl205 on October 23, 2021,
06:39:56 pm
> When I moved to the county where I now live, I quickly learned
that no one invited anyone to their home. ... Therefore, they
had no idea how rude canceling out and just not showing up was
to the person who took the trouble to clean house, cook, devise
diversions. They didn't see the problem with changing their
mind last minute and telling the host, "I just didn't feel like
it."
>
--- End Quote ---
I would think that would be rude in any country! >:([/quote]
But not, apparently, in Spain.
More than a decade ago now, when DH and I were active in
organising British/Spanish reenactment events, a party of the
Spanish reenactors who we were friends with let us know they
were visiting England to see an international military model
fair. We couldn't take the day off to join them there, but as we
live only about a dozen miles off the route they would be taking
back to their hotel in London, we invited them to come to our
place after the fair, and we'd invite some British re-enactors
who they knew, and give everyone a proper 18th-century dinner in
our 18th-century house. So on the day there I was checking on my
pies, basting the leg of mutton and whipping syllabubs, with the
table laid for twelve with beeswax candles and all our best
reproduction Georgian china and glass - when the British guests
arrived from the fair alone, saying 'The Spanish aren't coming -
M's wife felt a bit tired, so they decided to go straight back
to London'.
We heard later that when they got back to Spain they told a
mutual friend, an Englishman who teaches in their city, all
about their trip and said that they hadn't gone to our big
dinner he fairly hit the roof: "Don't you realise what you've
done? When you've accepted a dinner invitation in Britain YOU
SHOW UP! You've committed about the biggest social crime there
is!" And they were aghast; they had had absolutely no idea.
(It's also true that in Spain, just as in the county jazzgirl205
mentions, people don't tend to entertain at home. We had some
really good friends in Spain but they always invited us to bars
or restaurants; we were only invited inside somebody's home
once, and that was because he wanted to show us his militaria
collection, which obviously he couldn't do anywhere else.)
[/quote]
Hi!
My apologies for responding to an old post, but I've just read
it and I am horrified at your Spanish acquaintances dropping
your wonderful dinner party, Aleko. I'm Spanish (Catalan,
actually) and this is absolutely Not Done.
While it is true we don't entertain at home as much as other
countries, dropping out last minute, be it at someone's home or
at a restaurant, is a very rude thing to do, and repeat
offenders would find themselves very short of invitations.
I have organized multiple dinner parties at restaurants, and in
my experience, any last-minute dropouts have had unexpected
family issues or illnesses, and all have called asap to cancel
and profusely apologise. Flaky friends are just invited to "the
more, the merrier" do's, where no reservations are needed.
I sincerely cannot understand your acquaintances being aghast at
their behaviour, and shame to them if they tried to pass it off
as a "Spanish thing" rather than a "them thing". I am very sorry
this has been your experience, but rest assured any non-flaky
Spaniards would be absolutely grateful and delighted to be
invited to such a thoughtful dinner :)
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