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#Post#: 71200--------------------------------------------------
Re: Discussion on FB making "flakiness" ok?
By: Aleko Date: October 26, 2021, 1:32 am
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[quote]Do they also think it's acceptable to cancel for
restaurants and bars at the last minute without a darn good
reason? This would drive me crazy.[/quote]
I don’t know, because of course when we were in Spain we were on
their turf so they would make arrangements, and we of course
would turn up. That was why we were so startled, as well as
angry and disappointed, by the no-show: we had no idea of a
dinner engagement being something you could just drop if you
didn’t feel like it on the day. I really can’t imagine how it’s
possible for social life to function if you can’t count on
people showing up.
But then again, I can’t imagine how social life can function if
guests feel free to show up with a bunch of uninvited strangers
- and yet I know there are quite a lot of hosts who not only
take this in their stride but actually seem to enjoy this
carefree come-one-come-all, the-more-the-merrier behaviour,
which I could no more cope with than I could breathe underwater!
#Post#: 71204--------------------------------------------------
Re: Discussion on FB making "flakiness" ok?
By: Limmershin Date: October 26, 2021, 11:09 am
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=2189.msg71163#msg71163
date=1635100167]
But not, apparently, in Spain.
More than a decade ago now, when DH and I were active in
organising British/Spanish reenactment events, a party of the
Spanish reenactors who we were friends with let us know they
were visiting England to see an international military model
fair. We couldn't take the day off to join them there, but as we
live only about a dozen miles off the route they would be taking
back to their hotel in London, we invited them to come to our
place after the fair, and we'd invite some British re-enactors
who they knew, and give everyone a proper 18th-century dinner in
our 18th-century house. So on the day there I was checking on my
pies, basting the leg of mutton and whipping syllabubs, with the
table laid for twelve with beeswax candles and all our best
reproduction Georgian china and glass - when the British guests
arrived from the fair alone, saying 'The Spanish aren't coming -
M's wife felt a bit tired, so they decided to go straight back
to London'.
We heard later that when they got back to Spain they told a
mutual friend, an Englishman who teaches in their city, all
about their trip and said that they hadn't gone to our big
dinner he fairly hit the roof: "Don't you realise what you've
done? When you've accepted a dinner invitation in Britain YOU
SHOW UP! You've committed about the biggest social crime there
is!" And they were aghast; they had had absolutely no idea.
(It's also true that in Spain, just as in the county jazzgirl205
mentions, people don't tend to entertain at home. We had some
really good friends in Spain but they always invited us to bars
or restaurants; we were only invited inside somebody's home
once, and that was because he wanted to show us his militaria
collection, which obviously he couldn't do anywhere else.)
[/quote]
That's the Dons for you: four and a half centuries ago, having
undertaken to invade us -- even then, they failed to make good
on their intentions ;D .
#Post#: 71219--------------------------------------------------
Re: Discussion on FB making "flakiness" ok?
By: bopper Date: October 27, 2021, 10:20 am
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There is a personality type indicator called the Myers-Briggs
Type Indicator.
One of the factors is "Judging vs Perceiving"...(see
below)...but basically there are people who like things decided
and planned and those who like things open and flexible.
The "P";s drive the J's crazy.
Judging (J)
I use my decision-making (Judging) preference (whether it is
Thinking or Feeling) in my outer life. To others, I seem to
prefer a planned or orderly way of life, like to have things
settled and organized, feel more comfortable when decisions are
made, and like to bring life under control as much as possible.
Since this pair only describes what I prefer in the outer world,
I may, inside, feel flexible and open to new information (which
I am).
Do not confuse Judging with judgmental, in its negative sense
about people and events. They are not related.
The following statements generally apply to me:
I like to have things decided.
I appear to be task oriented.
I like to make lists of things to do.
I like to get my work done before playing.
I plan work to avoid rushing just before a deadline.
Sometimes I focus so much on the goal that I miss new
information.
Perceiving (P)
I use my perceiving function (whether it is Sensing or
Intuition) in my outer life. To others, I seem to prefer a
flexible and spontaneous way of life, and I like to understand
and adapt to the world rather than organize it. Others see me
staying open to new experiences and information.
Since this pair only describes what I prefer in the outer world,
inside I may feel very planful or decisive (which I am).
Remember, in type language perceiving means "preferring to take
in information." It does not mean being "perceptive" in the
sense of having quick and accurate perceptions about people and
events.
The following statements generally apply to me:
I like to stay open to respond to whatever happens.
I appear to be loose and casual. I like to keep plans to a
minimum.
I like to approach work as play or mix work and play.
I work in bursts of energy.
I am stimulated by an approaching deadline.
Sometimes I stay open to new information so long I miss making
decisions when they are needed.
#Post#: 71226--------------------------------------------------
Re: Discussion on FB making "flakiness" ok?
By: NFPwife Date: October 27, 2021, 1:35 pm
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[quote author=bopper link=topic=2189.msg71219#msg71219
date=1635348019]
There is a personality type indicator called the Myers-Briggs
Type Indicator.
One of the factors is "Judging vs Perceiving"...(see
below)...but basically there are people who like things decided
and planned and those who like things open and flexible.
The "P";s drive the J's crazy.
Judging (J)
I use my decision-making (Judging) preference (whether it is
Thinking or Feeling) in my outer life. To others, I seem to
prefer a planned or orderly way of life, like to have things
settled and organized, feel more comfortable when decisions are
made, and like to bring life under control as much as possible.
Since this pair only describes what I prefer in the outer world,
I may, inside, feel flexible and open to new information (which
I am).
Do not confuse Judging with judgmental, in its negative sense
about people and events. They are not related.
The following statements generally apply to me:
I like to have things decided.
I appear to be task oriented.
I like to make lists of things to do.
I like to get my work done before playing.
I plan work to avoid rushing just before a deadline.
Sometimes I focus so much on the goal that I miss new
information.
Perceiving (P)
I use my perceiving function (whether it is Sensing or
Intuition) in my outer life. To others, I seem to prefer a
flexible and spontaneous way of life, and I like to understand
and adapt to the world rather than organize it. Others see me
staying open to new experiences and information.
Since this pair only describes what I prefer in the outer world,
inside I may feel very planful or decisive (which I am).
Remember, in type language perceiving means "preferring to take
in information." It does not mean being "perceptive" in the
sense of having quick and accurate perceptions about people and
events.
The following statements generally apply to me:
I like to stay open to respond to whatever happens.
I appear to be loose and casual. I like to keep plans to a
minimum.
I like to approach work as play or mix work and play.
I work in bursts of energy.
I am stimulated by an approaching deadline.
Sometimes I stay open to new information so long I miss making
decisions when they are needed.
[/quote]
My husband and his close friend are opposite ends of the
spectrum for J and P. DH is at the deep end of J, his friend is
at the deep end of P. It keeps life interesting! A combo of
living with DH and my professional life has shifted me to J. I
was always near the center of the continuum, but I've moved J.
#Post#: 71336--------------------------------------------------
Re: Discussion on FB making "flakiness" ok?
By: Raintree Date: November 2, 2021, 1:18 am
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[quote author=Despedina link=topic=2189.msg71019#msg71019
date=1634653974]
One person even said that her friends know to keep every Sat
open until she can decide that morning if she wanted to do
something.
[/quote]
Seriously? And her friends are willing to keep their days open
in case she deigns to join them? Around here she'd probably find
herself left out of things.
[quote] Another mentioned that when she no shows to things, her
friends are super sweet and reach out to see if she is ok and
check on her mental well being.[/quote]
Yeah, one no-show, you ask if the person is ok. Two no-shows and
I stop making plans with you, unless you have a really good
explanation like, "I was in hospital" or something equally dire.
#Post#: 71337--------------------------------------------------
Re: Discussion on FB making "flakiness" ok?
By: Raintree Date: November 2, 2021, 1:29 am
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A few years ago I was talking with a friend about how we both
wanted to hike and camp in a specific destination. We decided to
go do it on an upcoming summer long weekend. Me, her, and her
boyfriend. Now, I worked retail and getting a summer long
weekend off was a big deal. I didn't normally get 3 days off in
a row in summer, ever, due to it being peak season, but I
requested it off based on our plans and my work scheduled that
for me.
Closer to the date: "We've been pretty tired and we think
instead of camping, we'll just drive up each of the three days
and do day hikes." I was annoyed because I didn't want to spend
precious days off going back and forth in the car. The plan had
been to CAMP together.
The plan gradually got whittled down to "we'll go hiking on the
Sunday but we want to rest at home on the Saturday." Then by the
Friday night (when it was too late to plan anything with anyone
else): "We're not going anywhere this weekend, it's been a busy
week at work."
I still resent it, remembering that beautiful sunny weekend in
the city when all my other friends had gone off on other fun
adventures and I was stuck at home with a rare weekend off and
nobody to go do things with. Yeah sure, I can do things on my
own but I was in my 20s when socializing was important and also
it's dangerous to hike in the wilderness alone, so...
At any rate, I withdrew from the friendship after that because
she was always pulling that stunt.
#Post#: 71351--------------------------------------------------
Re: Discussion on FB making "flakiness" ok?
By: holly firestorm Date: November 2, 2021, 12:04 pm
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I wouldn't have cut off the friendship for that alone. But, I do
kind of have a mental plus/minus balance sheet in my head. Does
the person make my life better or are they a drain that makes my
life less than life without them? (I think most people do this
whether they put it in those words or not.) On the other hand,
if that was typical of those "friends" they would have gone from
Friends to friends to friendlies to friendly acquaintances in my
evaluation.
#Post#: 71524--------------------------------------------------
Re: Discussion on FB making "flakiness" ok?
By: Winterlight Date: November 8, 2021, 9:37 pm
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[quote]Another mentioned that when she no shows to things, her
friends are super sweet and reach out to see if she is ok and
check on her mental well being.[/quote]
I can think of a very few people I would do this for, and
they're incredibly dear close friends who have serious medical
conditions which flare up unexpectedly and can lay them out flat
(and I'm including clinical depression in this.) In their case,
I'd give them a pass. But (and this may sound smug, though I'm
not intending to) I have contacted people when I was in the ER
to let them know I couldn't make to an event we'd been planning
to attend. Someone who sounds like they do this on a regular
basis because they can't be bothered and expect their friends to
rally round just sounds annoying.
[quote]One person even said that her friends know to keep every
Sat open until she can decide that morning if she wanted to do
something. [/quote]
Yikes. I would not have the patience to be friends with this
person.
#Post#: 71528--------------------------------------------------
Re: Discussion on FB making "flakiness" ok?
By: Aleko Date: November 9, 2021, 1:28 am
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[quote][quote]Quote
Another mentioned that when she no shows to things, her friends
are super sweet and reach out to see if she is ok and check on
her mental well being.[/quote]
I can think of a very few people I would do this for, and
they're incredibly dear close friends who have serious medical
conditions which flare up unexpectedly and can lay them out flat
(and I'm including clinical depression in this.) In their case,
I'd give them a pass. But (and this may sound smug, though I'm
not intending to) I have contacted people when I was in the ER
to let them know I couldn't make to an event we'd been planning
to attend. Someone who sounds like they do this on a regular
basis because they can't be bothered and expect their friends to
rally round just sounds annoying.
[quote]Quote
One person even said that her friends know to keep every Sat
open until she can decide that morning if she wanted to do
something.[/quote]
Yikes. I would not have the patience to be friends with this
person.[/quote]
Me neither. But it does strike me that this kind of attitude is
really only possible for people in ‘easy circumstances’ who have
no real responsibilities in their lives. Could anyone with a
business to run or a child / disabled spouse / frail elderly
parent to look after (let alone more than one of these!) humour
a friend who wouldn’t commit to a day out? Or be tenderly
sympathetic when they flake?
I bet that as soon as the ‘super-sweet’ people acquire any of
these burdens, which surely most of them eventually will, their
flaky friends will be left wondering ‘Why is nobody inviting me
to anything, or reaching out to me to check on my mental
well-being?’
#Post#: 71668--------------------------------------------------
Re: Discussion on FB making "flakiness" ok?
By: Mistress Mae Date: November 13, 2021, 11:37 am
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[quote author=BeagleMommy link=topic=2189.msg71044#msg71044
date=1634733865]
I agree with those who say selfish, rude, and a bit entitled.
I have no problem with people who say "I don't know what my
schedule will be next week, when do you need a commitment?", but
repeated no shows means you don't get invited any more.
[/quote]
This is what I say, as I don't often remember what my person and
work schedules are or if I have other commitments that week or
the following week.
I also have a lot of relatives and friends who can't seem to
remember that I rarely have a weekend off and keep asking me to
go somewhere on a Saturday or Sunday. Yes, I do want to go out
with everyone then, no I can't because I have to work, and no I
am NOT calling out of work just to go shopping.
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