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#Post#: 70649--------------------------------------------------
Asking people to call me by my name rude and culturally disrespe
ctful
By: Isisnin Date: October 5, 2021, 8:57 pm
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I've been dealing with how people call me at work and the issue
doesn't go away. I want to be called by the name my parents gave
me (technically it's not my legal name, but my nickname. It is
the nickname my parents choose for me and the one I introduce
myself by.).
I've been working in this city at workplaces with diverse work
forces for over 40 years. It hasn't been an issue in those
places nor was an issue at my current workplace until a few
months ago (I've been there 8 years). Co-workers started calling
me "Miss Isisnin". I'd ask to be called Isisnin. They'd ask why.
I'd explain that Isisnin is the name my parents gave me and I
like it. But it didn't stop. I was so frustrated I started being
a bit snippy:
Me: "Please call me Isisnin."
Them: "Why?"
Me: "It's the name my parents gave me."
Them: "But Miss a form of respect."
Me: "Thank you. But I prefer to be called by my name -
Isisnin."
Them: "But that's what we do in the South and Patti is called
"Ms. Patti" (FYI, she isn't all the time. Often he's just called
Patti)
Me" "She's ok with it and she's from the South. I'm not ok
with it and I'm from here, Boston. Call me Isisnin."
or
Them: "Why don't you like to be called Miss Isisnin?"
Me: "Because it's not my name. Isisnin is the name my
parents gave me. I love and respect them. Please call me by the
name my parents gave me - Isisnin."
Them: confused look and shake of their head as if I'm odd
Once the questioning of me was getting so long I said, "I'd give
you my parents' phone number so you could ask them why they
named me Isisnin - but they're dead."
Similarly, I also don't like being called "honey" or "hun". When
a new assistant manager called me "hun" recently, I snapped
"don't call me that! Call me Isisnin!". A couple days later, the
manager "casually" explained to me that calling people "honey"
or "hun" is cultural andwe should be accepting of other cultures
(Paraphrasing). Then the store manager said "I sometimes call
people hun". Shortly thereafter she called a couple customers
hun. Never heard her do that before or since.
As I write this, it occurs to me that if this keeps up, I should
call corporate HR. If the manager calls HR first and claims I'm
not culturally tolerant, I'm screwed. The first person to
complain is the first person to be believed. FYI, the new
assistant manager is of Polish descent and I'm of Irish/Austrian
descent.
Interestingly, a co-worker who worked in the
hospice/hospital/nursing home industry, told me that at their
orientation the new employees were told to not call patients
"Miss ...." or "honey", "hun" etc. as it is patronizing.
Today, someone who had been calling me "Isisnin" for months now
called me "Miss Isisnin" twice. I didn't say anything, but need
and want to. Can anyone think of any other way I can ask her to
call me Isisnin without having to get into lengthy
justification? And we're gearing up hiring for the holidays, so
this is bound to come up again.
FYI, writing this made me realize something else too. We have a
new hire who identifies as the gender opposite of what they were
born. They have also chosen to go by a name different than the
one they were given at birth (which everyone knows as that is
the name on the schedule). We have been instructed to call them
by the pronoun of their chosen gender and call them by their
chosen name. Which is wonderful. The manager actually checked
with me that my legal name is on my paycheck since my
chosen/nickname is on the schedule. HR said that wasn't possible
and the manager is using my name(s) as the example that it is
possible for the schedule to have the new hire's chosen name on
it. So there is a store respect for an individual prefers to be
called.
#Post#: 70650--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking people to call me by my name rude and culturally disr
espectful
By: Mrs Rat Date: October 6, 2021, 2:22 am
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How bloody frustrating! They're saying it's a respect thing
while not respecting your wishes. Do as I say, not as I do. What
a bunch of hypocrites! Is it possible to ignore them until they
address you by the correct name?
I went out of my way to avoid a petrol station years ago because
the guy behind the counter called me love.
#Post#: 70651--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking people to call me by my name rude and culturally disr
espectful
By: DaDancingPsych Date: October 6, 2021, 5:40 am
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It sounds less like they aren't refusing to call you by the name
you prefer and more like they are adding the "Miss" title. I do
think that it is meant to be a sign of respect and it sounds
like your office has suddenly started adopting it. Is everyone
getting such a title? Either way, it's not in your preference.
I would take your parents out of it. It's not that they named
you Isisnin, because everyone is still using this name. It's
that they are adding an unwanted title. I might try to take the
focus away from your parents (which might be confusing) and on
the title.
I would probably also confide in a few trusted coworkers. I
would explain my preferred name and see if they would help me
out by using it. By changing their habits, others may follow.
Plus, they may help correct others.
#Post#: 70652--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking people to call me by my name rude and culturally disr
espectful
By: Rose Red Date: October 6, 2021, 6:43 am
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If you can get away with being blunt:
"The respectful thing is honoring my preference and you are
not."
"No, you are not being respectful when you refuse to call me
Isisnin. I ask you once again to stop calling me Miss Isisnin. I
will no longer respond to anything except Isisnin."
And I agree to leave your parents out of it. Keep it simple.
It's what you prefer that matters.
"Call me Isisnin"
"Why?"
"Because that's my name and that's what I want to be called."
"But "Miss" is a sign of respect"
"Respect means calling me what I want to be called and you are
not respecting me"
#Post#: 70653--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking people to call me by my name rude and culturally disr
espectful
By: oogyda Date: October 6, 2021, 7:08 am
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Don't enter into a lengthy justification.
Calling you "Miss", "Honey", "Hun" in the workplace IS
patronizing, demeaning and grounds for a report to HR and that
is the ONLY explanation you should give.
Then follow through....report it to HR.
Point out that they have set precedence for referring to people
by their preferred name/gender.
#Post#: 70655--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking people to call me by my name rude and culturally disr
espectful
By: Hmmm Date: October 6, 2021, 8:47 am
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Would you clarify? Are they using Issinin, which is the nickname
your parent's gave you and the name you prefer but adding the
"Miss" to it?
Because saying that you want them to use your preferred name
because that is the one your parents gave you would confuse me
because they are using that name. Going off on a tangent about
Issinin being the name you want because love and respect them
would have me shaking my head too and wondering what that has to
do with adding a "Miss".
Did the adding of Miss start when a new co-worker joined the
organization? Or what changed over the last couple of months
since this is new after 8 years?
I think you should instead explain clearly to the manage and
assistant manager why you do not like having the Miss used with
your first name.
On the hun and honey issue.... unless that is a consistent way
they address you, I'd let the occasional hun or honey slide off
my back. In close working relationships, they sometime just slip
out.
#Post#: 70657--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking people to call me by my name rude and culturally disr
espectful
By: Luci Date: October 6, 2021, 9:28 am
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I usually go with the cultural norms of where I am. I got over
the use of my first name by strangers, the use of Ms. instead of
Mrs., but still balk at Luc instead Luci but don’t make a big
deal about it. I am acknowledged and identified. Honey, Sweetie
and Darling are just accepted as Hey You. I don’t use any of
these terms myself. I certainly prefer Miss Luci or Mirs. Smith
for me,
I wouldn’t beat my head against the wall, but just go on with my
life. I am very sad you are unhappy with the situation.
#Post#: 70658--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking people to call me by my name rude and culturally disr
espectful
By: DaDancingPsych Date: October 6, 2021, 9:57 am
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I understand the dislike for honey and sweetie. However, I
always look at intent. I find in a majority of the cases that it
is not meant to be disrespectful. I may still gently correct the
person. Sometimes it is used when they don't know my name.
Sometimes it's a habit. And sometimes they do think that they
are being cute/kind. But I try not to let it rattle me too much.
#Post#: 70659--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking people to call me by my name rude and culturally disr
espectful
By: Isisnin Date: October 6, 2021, 10:41 am
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[quote author=Mrs Rat link=topic=2180.msg70650#msg70650
date=1633504946]
How bloody frustrating! They're saying it's a respect thing
while not respecting your wishes. Do as I say, not as I do. What
a bunch of hypocrites! Is it possible to ignore them until they
address you by the correct name?
I went out of my way to avoid a petrol station years ago because
the guy behind the counter called me love.
[/quote]
"bloody frustrating!" describes the situation perfectly! Thank
you for that!
The issue is people prefacing my name with "Miss". So instead of
calling me Isisnin they call me"Miss Isisnin".
This situation is recently occurring after me being there for
years. May be because I was promoted to a supervisory position
like Patti's. But then there are others in that supervisory too
who aren't called "Miss.." (or "Mr.."). This discussion is
making me realize that I have only heard Patti called "Miss
Patti", I have never heard any of the other supervisors called
"Miss firstName" (or "Mr FirstName"). Patti has been there for
decades, well predating me. So why she is called "Miss Patti",
but not all the time, is lost in history.
I have talked to trusted coworkers about the situation. One of
them was the one who told me about how the health care facility
she worked for instructs employees not to call patients
"Miss..." "hun", etc. I haven't specifically told them to
ask/remind people to call me only by my name. I would think they
are anyways.
I only explain that Isisnin is the name my parents gave me when
someone asks me why I prefer to be called Isisnin. So it's not
really a tangent. It's a direct, honest answer to the question.
But yeah, ya'll are right I shouldn't get into that and it would
be ok to answer "Why? it's a form of respect." with answers like
Rosered's.
It was only that one time with the new assistant manager that I
was called "hun". "hun" and "honey" is pretty new to the store
and it's mostly from one newish hire (who has never called me
that, but does call others that, including customers). I don't
think it's due to her culture. We have many employees of that
same culture and they don't call people "hun" or "honey".
Thank you for all your ideas and perspectives.
#Post#: 70663--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking people to call me by my name rude and culturally disr
espectful
By: NFPwife Date: October 6, 2021, 12:49 pm
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I think you're landing at a solution, I'll just add that I think
it's easier and more concise to tell people what to do instead
of what not to do. If they add an honorific that you don't want
say, "Please call me Isisnin." If they launch into a defense of
why they're using an honorific, avoid the counter argument and
say, "My preference, as stated, is Isisnin, I'll thank you for
using it now and in the future." Any JADEing leaves this open to
debate, discussion, and them thinking they can convince you to
"go with it."
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