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#Post#: 70548--------------------------------------------------
Re: Miss Manners and the Birthday Bully
By: Hmmm Date: October 1, 2021, 8:52 am
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=2170.msg70540#msg70540
date=1633070859]
[quote]I have been told surprise parties never are a good idea
but for us--we knew our audience--they were.[/quote]
They both sound great. But in both cases the honoree knew there
was some festivity planned for them, just not the exact shape or
scope of it. So they were dressed up and ready to party and be
celebrated. I suppose there are a few people who can joyfully
switch into full-on social mode when they find themselves
pitchforked into a big shindig when they were expecting a quiet
supper and bed, but not many.
[/quote]
I've been to many a surprise party, probably a good 30 or so as
an adult. In only two case was the honoree not expecting to go
to some type of celebration but in both cases they did think
they were going to do "something". In the first case, the
honoree thought she was arriving at an empty house in our
neighborhood that a friend had bought and she was going to be
giving suggestions on a remodel (she was an architect). Because
we knew she would be in casual clothes, we all dressed supper
casual. Her husband and partner in their firm had made sure her
calendar for the next day was completely empty.
The other was for another friend's bday and she thought she was
just coming by her best friend's house for a glass of wine or
two with a couple of other friends stopping by. For that one,
the theme was pajama party so we were all in pajamas and the
hostess had a fabulous set to give the bday girl. Neither of
these were on their actual birthdays. Both were very social and
the group of guests were about the same 20 women that all hung
out together on a regular basis.
I'd love to hear a story of someone really thinking they were
just hanging out at home but "Suprise" there is 30 people in
your living room.
#Post#: 70552--------------------------------------------------
Re: Miss Manners and the Birthday Bully
By: lowspark Date: October 1, 2021, 10:45 am
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Surprise parties are totally a know your audience kind of thing.
I think that the trouble is, sometimes people don't. Know their
audience, that is. Or think, I'd love this so of course
guest-of-honor will - when that is actually not the case at all.
I probably have been to a few surprise parties but the only one
I remember attending as a guest was at a restaurant. Wife told
husband they were going out to dinner. They showed up and there
we all were, waiting at our tables. He was overjoyed.
I actually did throw one once. It was a surprise wedding shower.
Fiancé told guest-of-honor he was taking her out for lunch at a
fancy restaurant so she should dress up. But on the way, he had
to stop by my house to pick up a coupon for said restaurant.
This was quite funny as it fit in with his personality, so while
she was doing some inner eye-rolling, she went along and
suspected nothing.
Me? No.
Do. Not. Ever. Throw me a surprise party.
Half the fun of a party, for me, is the planning and prep. Take
that away from me, and you've deprived me of all that enjoyment.
#Post#: 70558--------------------------------------------------
Re: Miss Manners and the Birthday Bully
By: holly firestorm Date: October 1, 2021, 2:04 pm
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Well, I wouldn't mind if it was a more or less private thing.
It's kind of neat to realize people care enough to do this for
you.
But, not someplace like a restaurant with a bunch of strangers
staring out you while staff (also strangers) start singing you
"Happy Birthday" and everyone in the restaurant turns around to
see who the "birthday girl/boy" is. No. just no.
#Post#: 70559--------------------------------------------------
Re: Miss Manners and the Birthday Bully
By: lowspark Date: October 1, 2021, 2:22 pm
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Ugh. The singing of Happy Birthday by the servers in a
restaurant is a whole 'nother topic. But yeah, that's a very
firm no for me. And honestly, anyone at my table if I have
anything to say about it. It really shouldn't happen at all. It
disrupts all the other restaurant patrons and everyone I've
known who worked as a server hated it because it kept them from
doing their job for those several minutes.
To clarify, the surprise party I mentioned above that was in a
restaurant was in a private room.
#Post#: 70561--------------------------------------------------
Re: Miss Manners and the Birthday Bully
By: Dr. F. Date: October 1, 2021, 7:41 pm
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[quote author=Soop link=topic=2170.msg70515#msg70515
date=1633009243]
[quote author=wonderfullyanonymous
link=topic=2170.msg70505#msg70505 date=1632958881]
As an introvert, 8 have threatened to walk out of restaurants
that will celebrate 5he birthday person with singing or one
restaurant, that has you sit on a saddle as they sing happy
birthday.
I think the letter rider needs to respect his partners wishes or
he just doesn't respect his partner.
[/quote]
I have let family and friends know that I will walk out if there
is public singing in a restaurant for my birthday. Luckily, my
friends and family aren't like the selfish LW and abide by my
wishes.
[/quote]
My sister once had a boyfriend who really didn't understand that
she meant it when she said she didn't want singing on her
birthday at a restaurant. So, he announced her birthday at the
restaurant (I think it was a TGI Fridays - this was a long time
ago) and had them sing anyway. She dumped him on the spot and
walked out of the restaurant. Not taking my sister seriously is
ALWAYS a bad move.
I've always kind of wondered what the waitstaff thought of that.
It had to be terribly embarrassing.
#Post#: 70598--------------------------------------------------
Re: Miss Manners and the Birthday Bully
By: Codewoman1125 Date: October 4, 2021, 10:21 am
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[quote author=lowspark link=topic=2170.msg70559#msg70559
date=1633116162]
Ugh. The singing of Happy Birthday by the servers in a
restaurant is a whole 'nother topic. <snip>
[/quote]
There was a restaurant we loved when my kids were school-aged.
When the servers sang to a patron on their birthday (at least
once per visit), one of the servers had a distinctive singing
style that we adored! It was along the lines of "If you can't
sing well, sing loud." My children wanted to go there for their
birthday for that very reason.
#Post#: 70616--------------------------------------------------
Re: Miss Manners and the Birthday Bully
By: Winterlight Date: October 4, 2021, 9:09 pm
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I've seen videos of the deployment surprises, and it so often
seems to happen during the middle of another event that it feels
rude. If they're graduating from high school, Jenny's dad coming
onstage during the ceremony to surprise his daughter can take
over the event, and that's not OK IMO. It's not just about one
person.
On topic, surprise parties should be confined to people you know
would love to have one- I've been to one, and the husband was
delighted to be surprised (wife had made sure they had a free
afternoon and he was dressed nicely but not formally so he
wasn't left feeling like a ragamuffin at his own party.) And if
someone tells you they don't want a party, then don't make them
have one.
I think Miss Manners called it when she said, "It is possible
that in addition to his bad memories, he has seen too much of
people using birthdays as a self-centered test for others to
prove their devotion, usually concluding that they failed." In
this case, it sounds to me like the Boyfriend is willing to do
what LW wants for LW's birthday. It's time for LW to reciprocate
the way Boyfriend wants and not the way he wants.
#Post#: 70635--------------------------------------------------
Re: Miss Manners and the Birthday Bully
By: XRogue Date: October 5, 2021, 8:32 am
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I had a similar thing happen on my 23rd birthday, my parents
called me up and wanted me to 'Come meet them at a restaurant
for dinner!" I'd been up all night with my 1 year old, he'd had
a sniffle. Got us both cleaned up and over to the restaurant,
1st hubby met us there from work.
Next thing I know, I have a sombrero on my head, whipped cream
on my nose, and the Happy Birthday song is being sung. Cranky
overtired toddler on lap, smelling like spit up and all. I am an
introvert and am miserable with such things at the best of
times, which this clearly was not, nevermind I had never cared
for the restaurant in question to begin with. Somewhere there is
a Polaroid of me looking remarkably like Yzma from Emperor's New
Groove.
I refused to go anywhere near a restaurant, or anywhere else I
could be surprised with my parents during my birth month for the
next 10 years. My parents did nothing but moan about how
ungrateful I was for not enjoying the 'nice party" we'd had, and
how I was a "grumpy grouch" for pointing out that if they'd
wanted to do something nice for *me*, they could have brought me
takeout at home and helped me console my sick baby instead. ::)
I would point out that doing people's dishes and vaccuuming is a
fine (and inexpensive!) present. They even said grumpy grouch in
baby talk.
Point is I agree wholeheartedly with Miss Manners. The birthday
should be planned with the birthday person in mind. Yeesh, is
it so hard to be considerate?
#Post#: 70638--------------------------------------------------
Re: Miss Manners and the Birthday Bully
By: TootsNYC Date: October 5, 2021, 12:16 pm
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[quote]I think Miss Manners called it when she said, "It is
possible that in addition to his bad memories, he has seen too
much of people using birthdays as a self-centered test for
others to prove their devotion, usually concluding that they
failed." In this case, it sounds to me like the Boyfriend is
willing to do what LW wants for LW's birthday. It's time for LW
to reciprocate the way Boyfriend wants and not the way he wants.
[/quote]
I think that the Boyfriend sounds like exactly that!
And the surprise parties that bother me most are the ones where
everyone spends SO much time talking about the surprise, and
where the planner takes center stage. Instead of being majority
focused on the person.
Part of my problem with them is true projection, and all about
me: I love, love, love anticipation.
I warned my now husband on our second date that I would prefer
to have all week to be excited about going to the zoo on
Saturday, instead of only getting the zoo and the
after-enjoyment. I like the pregame! I don't really like that
being taken away from me.
#Post#: 70642--------------------------------------------------
Re: Miss Manners and the Birthday Bully
By: Lula Date: October 5, 2021, 2:01 pm
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[quote author=Winterlight link=topic=2170.msg70616#msg70616
date=1633399763]
I've seen videos of the deployment surprises, and it so often
seems to happen during the middle of another event that it feels
rude. If they're graduating from high school, Jenny's dad coming
onstage during the ceremony to surprise his daughter can take
over the event, and that's not OK IMO. It's not just about one
person.
[/quote]
So, so, so very much this. Talk about reducing all the other
graduates to chorus members--props, even--on what is supposed to
be their day of stardom.
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