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#Post#: 70454--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not interested in being friends
By: TeamBhakta Date: September 28, 2021, 3:57 pm
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I don't believe in telling children "You have to play with kids
you dislike." That's just silly. I as an adult don't hang out
with or date people I dislike. I also would not give a direct
explanation to an adult neighbor asking "Why wasn't I invited to
hang out at your house ?" I extend that same privilege to
children. So OP's child should probably just tell the disliked
children "Sorry, I have some friends over today. I have to go"
or "My mom has rules about how many people I can invite over at
once. I have to get back to my friends / lunch / chores now."
It's polite without being cruel.
#Post#: 70455--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not interested in being friends
By: LydiaSueWho Date: September 28, 2021, 4:33 pm
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Thanks for the nice welcome here and I really appreciate you all
taking time to help. I couldn't figure out how to insert the
quotes without making it messy so I answered questions below in
bold text.
Is your daughter at her best friend's house and the other kids
are around and your daughter suggests going to her home? No, she
knows that it would not be OK to do this. It's more that BF's
mom will text me to see if BF can come over to play or vice
versa. So more like a scheduled play date.
Is there other neighborhood kids who are all migrating to your
daughter's house and the only kids being excluded are these
neighbors? Not really. This group of kids all live practically
next door to each other. We live down the street but it's a long
street, so people usually text to play here before they make the
trip. My daughter is usually the one to walk down to where the
other kids live to play as a group.
Is your daughter playing at her friend's house and the kids are
just asking "how come you never invite us over" sort of out of
the blue without any specific plans to go to your home? Yes,
this is exactly what's happening. "Hey, why did Susie play at
your house yesterday but I didn't?" kind of thing.
How does play work at your house? Do kids only come over when
invited? Or does it work similar to best friend's house and the
kids just show up? Kids tend to come over either because their
parents have texted to see if their child can play here or we
have texted a parent to see if their child can play here. I
would have no problem with kids just showing up here but our
house is a little further from everyone else, so they tend to
check that we're home before they wander over.
I agree with the others. It’s one thing not to ask them for
individual play dates, quite another to exclude only them from
the natural group, and completely unacceptable to turn them
away when the neighborhood kids drift over in a group, as kids
do. They're not being excluded from the natural group. If my
daughter is playing at a friend's house and these kids come
over, they're not excluded and they all play together. My
daughter is just trying to figure out how to politely avoid one
on one play. I told her to use me as an excuse but nothing we
came up with sounded polite.
But I’m curious about why she doesn’t like these kids, which
reason seems missing from the first post. It could color our
feelings - e.g., if she doesn’t like them because they beat her
up, or if it’s because of their race, to take extreme examples.
It seems odd that the dislike extends to all the kids of this
one family. And the other kids seem to like them. What’s this
all about?
The other kids do not like them very much either, but no one
tries to exclude them from the group. I don't think they do much
one on one play with any of these kids but because they all live
closer to each other it's easy to just pop outside and play in
the front yard together. I think it's more obvious when a kid or
two has migrated to our house because of the distance, then it's
like "Hey! Why is Susie at Little Lydia's house and I'm not??" I
don't know all of the details but one of the families won't let
them play in their yard because they had an issue with their
parents when one of the kids fell and it got confrontational. If
I'm honest, I'm not eager to welcome the possibility of that
either.
As far as why daughter doesn't like them...I think they just
annoy her and their personalities clash. ??? The kids are not
bullies exactly, but they're also not exactly nice. Just as an
example... one of the uninvited kids asked another kid a
question (what's your favorite food?). The kid answered
(pizza!). Uninvited kid followed the other kid around, repeating
the same question, interrupting others, interrupting play, etc.
to repeat this questions over and over and over, while laughing,
presumably because she knew it was annoying the others. Another
time one kept asking my daughter why her mom (me) is so tall and
it upset her.
I get the set up. That's how it was in my neighborhood growing
up. A couple of us would be playing and someone else would show
up and the group could expand to a half dozen kids. I think it
would be incredibly mean to tell them they can't play with the
group. They're never excluded from the group; just from one on
one play.
How old are the kids involved? All of these kids range from 7-9.
How far apart are the houses? Our house is on one end of the
street and all of the rest of these kids are almost side by side
down the road. Our house is on the same street but quite a bit
further away from everyone else.
#Post#: 70458--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not interested in being friends
By: holly firestorm Date: September 28, 2021, 10:52 pm
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I hope it doesn't seem like you just got here and everyone is
grilling you. But, I have another question. Do these kids your
daughter doesn't like invite her or the other kids over to play
at their house? If so, what are the answers and reasons they
give if they don't want to?
It's a tough situation. Your description makes it clear as to
why these kids don't seem to be well liked in the neighborhood.
But, I also feel sorry for them, they must feel like they are
being deliberately snubbed and probably don't understand why.
#Post#: 70462--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not interested in being friends
By: LifeOnPluto Date: September 29, 2021, 7:02 am
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I'm in the camp that says you don't need to invite people to
your house if you don't like them (and it sounds like the OP's
daughter has very valid reasons for not enjoying the company of
these particular children!).
How to tell them that you don't want to invite them over because
you find them annoying (without hurting their feelings) is a
tricky one! I think it would give an adult pause too, let alone
a young girl. That said, I think other posters have given some
good suggestions. In particular, I like some of Toots's ones. I
would echo the following suggestions when these kids ask why
they weren't invited:
"I wanted it to be just [Best Friend] and myself."
"My mum only lets me have one friend (or two friends, etc) at a
time."
Now, where it might get trickier is if these kids ask outright
"Can I come and play at your house next time/tomorrow/etc?" Then
it might be time to pull the: "We have other plans." line.
If these kids really persist, I think it would be ok for the
OP's daughter to be polite but honest, and tell them something
like: "The other day you followed me around and asked me the
same question over and over, even when I asked you to stop. That
wasn't fun for me. It made me feel annoyed and uncomfortable. So
I don't want to invite you to my house."
Of course, the best way to avoid this altogether is for the kids
to simply refrain from mentioning previous playdates of other
kids who weren't invited to those playdates!
#Post#: 70471--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not interested in being friends
By: Hmmm Date: September 29, 2021, 8:54 am
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Lydia, thanks for the reponses.
[quote]Is your daughter playing at her friend's house and the
kids are just asking "how come you never invite us over" sort of
out of the blue without any specific plans to go to your home?
Yes, this is exactly what's happening. "Hey, why did Susie play
at your house yesterday but I didn't?" kind of thing.
[/quote]
Based on this, I'd tell your daughter to just keep laying the
blame on needing to plan. "Her mom asked my mom." or "Our mom's
arrange it." If their mom or dad ever does text you for a
playdate then you can respond "now is not a good time."
The kid's who love to annoy other kids to get attention are
really difficult to deal with. I remember and feel your pain.
Your daughter can take the path I learned later my son did with
a classmate who was always trying to invite himself over and
make the playdate so boring that the kid will never ask to come
over again.
#Post#: 70481--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not interested in being friends
By: LydiaSueWho Date: September 29, 2021, 11:18 am
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[quote author=holly firestorm link=topic=2168.msg70458#msg70458
date=1632887573]
I hope it doesn't seem like you just got here and everyone is
grilling you. But, I have another question. Do these kids your
daughter doesn't like invite her or the other kids over to play
at their house? If so, what are the answers and reasons they
give if they don't want to?
It's a tough situation. Your description makes it clear as to
why these kids don't seem to be well liked in the neighborhood.
But, I also feel sorry for them, they must feel like they are
being deliberately snubbed and probably don't understand why.
[/quote]
They never invite my daughter over to play. I am not sure if
they invite others over. Most of the time, all of the kids are
just outside playing together.
I do feel for these kids too. They're also the youngest of 6 or
7 kids, so I think they're just doing the things that get them
attention from their older siblings.
I don't feel grilled at all. :) I really appreciate the help!
#Post#: 70483--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not interested in being friends
By: NFPwife Date: September 29, 2021, 11:38 am
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[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=2168.msg70462#msg70462
date=1632916931]
I'm in the camp that says you don't need to invite people to
your house if you don't like them (and it sounds like the OP's
daughter has very valid reasons for not enjoying the company of
these particular children!).
How to tell them that you don't want to invite them over because
you find them annoying (without hurting their feelings) is a
tricky one! I think it would give an adult pause too, let alone
a young girl. That said, I think other posters have given some
good suggestions. In particular, I like some of Toots's ones. I
would echo the following suggestions when these kids ask why
they weren't invited:
"I wanted it to be just [Best Friend] and myself."
"My mum only lets me have one friend (or two friends, etc) at a
time."
Now, where it might get trickier is if these kids ask outright
"Can I come and play at your house next time/tomorrow/etc?" Then
it might be time to pull the: "We have other plans." line.
If these kids really persist, I think it would be ok for the
OP's daughter to be polite but honest, and tell them something
like: "The other day you followed me around and asked me the
same question over and over, even when I asked you to stop. That
wasn't fun for me. It made me feel annoyed and uncomfortable. So
I don't want to invite you to my house."
Of course, the best way to avoid this altogether is for the kids
to simply refrain from mentioning previous playdates of other
kids who weren't invited to those playdates!
[/quote]
I like the process of being indirect and non-committal 2-3 times
before being honest with the child. I think that's something
LydiaSue could role-play with her daughter so the daughter is
ready to be direct while still being polite. The way to navigate
that is to be very specific about the behavior that daughter
doesn't like. (I like the bolded statement above.)
Three cheers to everyone who said daughter shouldn't have to
have someone over she doesn't like. Teaching children that they
can set and enforce a boundary, especially girls, is really
important. Daughter doesn't have to acquiesce or tolerate bad
behavior to prevent the child's feelings from being hurt.
Personally, I think all the friend group has tolerated a little
too much nonsense from these children. If the child starts the
badgering or annoying behavior, everyone should stop the play,
go to their respective homes and find a time or way to meet up
later. One one hand it "punishes" everyone because the play
stops, but, after a small extinction burst, the behavior should
stop. I'll bet the kids would only need to do that once or
twice.
#Post#: 70541--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not interested in being friends
By: holly firestorm Date: October 1, 2021, 1:58 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=2168.msg70462#msg70462
date=1632916931]
I'm in the camp that says you don't need to invite people to
your house if you don't like them (and it sounds like the OP's
daughter has very valid reasons for not enjoying the company of
these particular children!).
How to tell them that you don't want to invite them over because
you find them annoying (without hurting their feelings) is a
tricky one! I think it would give an adult pause too, let alone
a young girl. That said, I think other posters have given some
good suggestions. In particular, I like some of Toots's ones. I
would echo the following suggestions when these kids ask why
they weren't invited:
"I wanted it to be just [Best Friend] and myself."
"My mum only lets me have one friend (or two friends, etc) at a
time."
Now, where it might get trickier is if these kids ask outright
"Can I come and play at your house next time/tomorrow/etc?" Then
it might be time to pull the: "We have other plans." line.
If these kids really persist, I think it would be ok for the
OP's daughter to be polite but honest, and tell them something
like: "The other day you followed me around and asked me the
same question over and over, even when I asked you to stop. That
wasn't fun for me. It made me feel annoyed and uncomfortable. So
I don't want to invite you to my house."
Of course, the best way to avoid this altogether is for the kids
to simply refrain from mentioning previous playdates of other
kids who weren't invited to those playdates!
[/quote]
While harsh in the short run, this could be the best in the long
run. These kids probably don't understand what they're doing
that's so obnoxious. Maybe they're too young to understand or
maybe they will. If they do it will save them decades of being
the "uncool" kids that no one wants to play with.
#Post#: 70603--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not interested in being friends
By: katiekat2009 Date: October 4, 2021, 11:30 am
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Covid.
#Post#: 70606--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not interested in being friends
By: Jem Date: October 4, 2021, 12:18 pm
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[quote author=katiekat2009 link=topic=2168.msg70603#msg70603
date=1633365044]
Covid.
[/quote]
I'm actually not a fan of this, unless it is accurate and the
person asserting the "COVID Defense" is consistent.
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