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#Post#: 70413--------------------------------------------------
Not interested in being friends
By: LydiaSueWho Date: September 27, 2021, 7:26 pm
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We live in the same neighborhood as several of my daughter's
friends. They all play at each others houses frequently. There
is a family who lives next door to my daughter's best friend. My
daughter does not like the children in this family. These
children are asking my daughter why they are not invited to play
at our house when other kids are. Play tends to be casual. One
kid will be outside then the other kids will show up and play.
Very rarely is anything planned in advance. What are some polite
excuses my daughter could use when these kids ask her if they
can come to our house?
#Post#: 70416--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not interested in being friends
By: HenrysMom Date: September 27, 2021, 7:47 pm
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Tell her to bounce it back on you “I have to ask my mother.”
Then, you can tell her/them that “it’s not the right time right
now” or whatever “adult” excuse you can pull out of your hat.
#Post#: 70433--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not interested in being friends
By: Jem Date: September 28, 2021, 8:29 am
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How old are the kids involved? How far apart are the houses? I
don't think you should feel forced to invite all the kids to
your house, but I don't know that there is a "polite" way to not
invite specific kids, depending on context. I think you may need
to be comfortable with the fact that treating some kids
differently than others will cause hurt feelings that could last
for the duration of the time the kids live in the neighborhood
(like, through high school).
It might be best to have your daughter play at the best friends
house (rather than have the best friend play at your house and
have the kids you don't like tag along). That way it isn't your
daughter's decision.
#Post#: 70435--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not interested in being friends
By: oogyda Date: September 28, 2021, 8:53 am
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If the play is as casual as it sounds, I think it's important to
teach all the kids in the neighborhood to be inclusive.
I get the set up. That's how it was in my neighborhood growing
up. A couple of us would be playing and someone else would show
up and the group could expand to a half dozen kids. I think it
would be incredibly mean to tell them they can't play with the
group.
#Post#: 70437--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not interested in being friends
By: Jem Date: September 28, 2021, 9:00 am
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[quote author=oogyda link=topic=2168.msg70435#msg70435
date=1632837239]
I think it would be incredibly mean to tell them they can't play
with the group.
[/quote]
This, 100%.
#Post#: 70439--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not interested in being friends
By: peony Date: September 28, 2021, 10:14 am
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[quote author=Jem link=topic=2168.msg70437#msg70437
date=1632837630]
[quote author=oogyda link=topic=2168.msg70435#msg70435
date=1632837239]
I think it would be incredibly mean to tell them they can't play
with the group.
[/quote]
This, 100%.
[/quote]
I don't think children should be forced to invite home children
who they don't want to play with, but I agree that in this case
being nice takes precedence. It will teach the daughter kindness
and patience, and also the important social skill of quietly and
un-obviously drifting in a different direction when she sees
someone approaching who she doesn't want to engage with.
#Post#: 70440--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not interested in being friends
By: Gellchom Date: September 28, 2021, 10:22 am
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I agree with the others. It’s one thing not to ask them for
individual play dates, quite another to exclude only them from
the natural group, and completely unacceptable to turn them
away when the neighborhood kids drift over in a group, as kids
do.
But I’m curious about why she doesn’t like these kids, which
reason seems missing from the first post. It could color our
feelings - e.g., if she doesn’t like them because they beat her
up, or if it’s because of their race, to take extreme examples.
It seems odd that the dislike extends to all the kids of this
one family. And the other kids seem to like them. What’s this
all about?
#Post#: 70441--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not interested in being friends
By: DaDancingPsych Date: September 28, 2021, 10:27 am
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How does play work at your house? Do kids only come over when
invited? (Then I would probably tell DD to say something along
the lines that she needs to ask you.) Or does it work similar to
best friend's house and the kids just show up? (Then I think
that you either need to decide that you will welcome whoever
shows up or that you need to adjust your house rules that you
only want invited children.)
I don't think that you have to invite children over just because
they are welcome at other homes; you can decide which guests
your house is open to. However, I am confused as to whether your
home is more open or by invite only.
#Post#: 70444--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not interested in being friends
By: Hmmm Date: September 28, 2021, 11:45 am
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Hi, Lydia and welcome to the forum.
As you can see from the previous posts, not everyone is clear on
the dynamics of what is happening.
Is your daughter at her best friend's house and the other kids
are around and your daughter suggests going to her home?
Is there other neighborhood kids who are all migrating to your
daughter's house and the only kids being excluded are these
neighbors?
Is your daughter playing at her friend's house and the kids are
just asking "how come you never invite us over" sort of out of
the blue without any specific plans to go to your home?
If the situation is that your daughter is at her best friend's
home and they are playing with the neighbor kids, then your
daughter shouldn't ask her best friend her house. She should
wait till the neighbor kids are not around. If she is not having
a nice time at her freind's because of the neighbor kids, then
she'll have to go home alone.
#Post#: 70453--------------------------------------------------
Re: Not interested in being friends
By: TootsNYC Date: September 28, 2021, 3:29 pm
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I'm of the opinion that kids shouldn't have to invite to their
home kids they don't like. Even if the other kids are just
annoying. We all get to choose our friendships, especially in
our own homes.
It's hard when it's kids, because we all feel sympathy for kids
who get left out.
but this is at a child's home, not at the playground, etc.
Your question is only about invitations to YOUR house; you
weren't asking about what to say when the BF's neighbor kids are
at BF's house.
There are several Etiquette Rules that apply in a situation like
this; we think of them as Grown-Up Rules, but they apply in
general. It's just that kids haven't learned them yet:
Don't ask for invitations; don't invite yourself.
Don't ask people why they didn't invite you.
Don't talk about get-togethers in front of people who weren't
invited.
Don't directly tell people you don't like them; leave them a
little plausible deniability.
Some of those are the responsibility of the neighbor kids; some
are the responsibility of the daughter, and of her closer
friends.
What do grownups say when someone asks why they weren't invited?
"It's a small wedding" -- "It was just a few of my friends"
"It was just a small group of people" "Today it's just going to
be Joe and Rose" (though that implies there will be another day,
and these kids will keep asking)
"I just like to play with the people I already know" or "I like
to play with Joe and Rose, really."
There are phrases like, "We're not that close," though you say
those to other people, not to the person.
"It's not going to work out"
"We have other plans"
It might be time to start having slightly more structured
invitations, especially if you're home, but even if you're not.
Maybe mom has a "X number of kids" rule, and it's always too
small. Maybe you have to approve the list of kids you're willing
to be responsible for.
It's hard, this situation. I've been in it as a kid, and I'm
still not in love with how I handled it, because I know I hurt
the other girl's feelings.
But I also remember feeling really frustrated at having our
fun time invaded by someone we didn't want to play with. It felt
unfair. I didn't want to have to go inside and hide just to be
rid of someone who wasn't my friend.
I've always been alert to whether I am that "invader"--but
that's got its own pain attached.
It's just hard.
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