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#Post#: 70164--------------------------------------------------
Gender Segregated Wedding?
By: LifeOnPluto Date: September 18, 2021, 2:21 am
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So - I was reading an interesting thread on Reddit the other
day, and was curious to know what Brimstoners might think.
The OP had a sister who was getting married to a man from a
different culture and religion (the OP and his family were
American, and the wedding was taking place in the USA). The
wedding was going to be in accordance with the groom-to-be's
customs - which meant that it was completely gender segregated.
The men would celebrate in one room, and the women would
celebrate in another room. The OP stated that he would likely
not see his sister (the Bride) at all during the event, nor his
mother, girlfriend, or other female relatives.
The OP did not want to attend the wedding (among other things,
it was alcohol-free, a 7 hour drive away, and also he worried
that his girlfriend may not enjoy herself if she couldn't be
near him).
The comments were really interesting, as some posters were from
the same culture as the groom, and were able to articulate the
rationale behind the wedding. Apparently, it's essentially so
the women don't have to worry about being modest - that is, they
can dress up in as much (or as little!) as they like, let their
hair down, and dance together (all things which are frowned upon
in the company of men). Also, at such gender-segregated
weddings, the Bride and Groom normally spend some time together,
and will visit with both rooms. Apparently, this is very normal,
and many (most?) people from that culture prefer it that way.
Several posters urged the OP to attend, as it would be a great
chance to bond with his new BIL's male relatives; and even if he
didn't get to see his sister, she could still take comfort
knowing he was in the same building. Others said they wouldn't
blame him if he didn't attend. One poster also mentioned that
she'd been to three such gender-segregated weddings, and every
single time, the women's reception was inferior to the men's
reception (for example, at one, the women only got dry meat and
rice to eat, while the men feasted on delicacies; at another
wedding, the sound equipment in the women's room was broken; and
at the third one, the women's reception ended much earlier than
the men's and they (the women) had to stand around outside in
the freezing cold waiting for their menfolk).
Personally, I don't think I could attend such a wedding, unless
(a) it was for a really close friend or family member; and (b)
it took place in a country where gender-segregated weddings were
the norm (when in Rome, etc). Normally, I'm a big fan of sucking
it up, and being there for your loved ones, even if makes you
uncomfortable. For example - invited to a vegan wedding when
you're a huge meat-eater? Suck it up and eat the veggies.
Invited to a wedding with no plus-one, and you only know the
bride and groom? Suck it up, and try to make small-talk with the
other guests! But I fear a gender-segregated wedding would be a
step too far for me, as it's so out of synch with my personal
values. I would politely decline.
What do you all think? What would you do?
#Post#: 70169--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gender Segregated Wedding?
By: Aleko Date: September 18, 2021, 5:23 am
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My feeling is that if Bride is marrying into such a different
culture (is the couple going to live in Bridegroom’s country,
too?) she is going to need all the support from her own family
that they can possibly give her: and if her own brother refuses
to come to her wedding, that can only come across to her as
callous indifference or outright disapproval of her marriage.
And not only to her: her new in-laws will surely see it that way
as well. On both counts, I think OP is obligated to go. We don’t
go to the weddings of people we love and owe loyalty to just
because we expect to have fun there: we go to be there for them.
By all means let OP’s girlfriend stay home if she is leery of
the whole set-up, and if her relationship with the bride is not
so intimate that her absence will be painfully felt.
And as some people had already commented, it’s a chance for the
brother to get to forge some kind of relationship with his
sister’s new in-laws, and that may be extremely valuable for the
future.
#Post#: 70170--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gender Segregated Wedding?
By: Lilipons Date: September 18, 2021, 5:55 am
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The only gender separated weddings I know of are observed by
Orthodox Jews.
At the synagogue, the women usually sit in the balcony and the
men are seated on the main floor. Both women and men can watch
the ceremony.
The reception is segregated but the Bride is allowed to pass
between the barrier so your relative would almost certainly be
likely to greet his sister. I’ve attended two of these weddings
and it isn’t bad at all.
#Post#: 70173--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gender Segregated Wedding?
By: Wanaca Date: September 18, 2021, 6:29 am
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I don't think this would bother me at all. I've been to
countless events and family gathering where this naturally
happens. The females tend to gather together in the kitchen
area and the menfolk are somewhere else. There aren't any rules
about it, but it just naturally happens. This type of wedding
would be different for me, but I'd roll with it without any
negative preconceptions.
#Post#: 70178--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gender Segregated Wedding?
By: lakey Date: September 18, 2021, 9:55 am
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Whether I attended would depend on how close I was to the person
who invited me. For my own brother or sister, I would definitely
go. I probably wouldn't take a plus one, because I wouldn't be
spending any time with him anyway.
#Post#: 70180--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gender Segregated Wedding?
By: oogyda Date: September 18, 2021, 10:01 am
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I'm glad that there were people who could explain things to him
so he has a clear idea of what to expect and where all of that
might fit into his comfort zone.
In my experience, there are many opportunities for being with
people who are important to you outside of the wedding. For
instance, I would probably make the drive a day or two before
the wedding and would meet up with sis and her fiance (and other
family who either live in the area or who are also traveling).
Same with a day or two after the wedding.
If he just doesn't want to go, then he shouldn't. As long as he
understands feelings may be hurt and relationships changed due
to his actions.
#Post#: 70181--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gender Segregated Wedding?
By: NyaChan Date: September 18, 2021, 10:12 am
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I’ve attended several weddings like this and they were fine. The
food was from the same caterer - they didn’t have different
menus (at least not in the communities Ive lived in) and it
really isn’t a big deal to have separate reception halls if you
are from that type of community. It’s just how some people
choose to plan and for brides who wear hijab or have family
members that do, it can be more comfortable for them and allow
them to dance/party freely. These weddings tend to be family
parties - as in anyone who is invited comes with spouses,
parents, kids and so on. A single person would not typically be
offered a plus one as those circles often don’t recognize
relationships outside of marriage or long term relationships so
it’s not a huge number of strangers or new partners wandering
alone in their section of the wedding - they’d be people who
know the bride and groom too.
Now in my family, we don’t do this and never have because we are
religious/culturally aware but not nearly as much as others (not
sure how to describe it…we don’t make it a big focus of our
daily life let’s say). We do mixed gatherings as that’s our
preference and these separated weddings feel really old
fashioned to us in the states (not so much overseas where it’s
common and expected). But it’s the bride and groom’s choice so
if invited, we go and have a good time.
#Post#: 70189--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gender Segregated Wedding?
By: Rose Red Date: September 18, 2021, 11:28 am
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I would go if it's the wedding of a friend or family.
I wouldn't go if I'm the girlfriend of a guest since I'm not
comfortable with strangers, but I would encourage my SO to go if
he wants to. And vice versa, I wouldn't force my SO to go to my
friend's segregated wedding if he doesn't know anyone.
#Post#: 70190--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gender Segregated Wedding?
By: DaDancingPsych Date: September 18, 2021, 12:34 pm
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I have no experience with such a set-up (in fact, this may have
been my first time hearing of such a wedding). While there are
certain things that don't settle well with my personal values, I
would not want to judge prior to experiencing it. Being that
this is for a sibling, I would probably attend in the name of
family harmony. I would only be giving up one day, so it's not a
huge sacrifice. Plus, it would help me better understand the
family and culture that my sibling is marrying into and may even
help with future decisions. If they host segregated weddings,
what other life events are different that I may be presented
with a similar decision?
I would not insist that a girl/boyfriend attend. I may give this
individual the option of deciding; maybe they feel comfortable
enough with my family to know that they can enjoy themselves or
maybe they are interested in learning about a different culture
and may want to attend. But to me, this is the equivalent to
bringing a date to party of my friends and ditching them all
night to socialize alone. While you don't need to necessarily be
attached at the hip the whole evening, I do think that it's
polite to check-in and ensure that they are comfortable and
having fun. This wedding set-up would not allow for that, so I
would not be comfortable putting someone in that situation if
they were not excited about it.
But if I received this invitation from a friend, I don't think
the decision would be so clean cut. I may decide to attend just
out of the opportunity to experience something new. But it's
hard for me to understand why women have to feel so restricted
from my cultural viewpoint. I am not convinced that I would
enjoy the set-up or that I could even be trusted to not get
annoyed by it. I could easily see myself declining.
#Post#: 70195--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gender Segregated Wedding?
By: Gellchom Date: September 18, 2021, 4:12 pm
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=2162.msg70169#msg70169
date=1631960590]
My feeling is that if Bride is marrying into such a different
culture (is the couple going to live in Bridegroom’s country,
too?) she is going to need all the support from her own family
that they can possibly give her: and if her own brother refuses
to come to her wedding, that can only come across to her as
callous indifference or outright disapproval of her marriage.
And not only to her: her new in-laws will surely see it that way
as well. On both counts, I think OP is obligated to go. We don’t
go to the weddings of people we love and owe loyalty to just
because we expect to have fun there: we go to be there for them.
By all means let OP’s girlfriend stay home if she is leery of
the whole set-up, and if her relationship with the bride is not
so intimate that her absence will be painfully felt.
And as some people had already commented, it’s a chance for the
brother to get to forge some kind of relationship with his
sister’s new in-laws, and that may be extremely valuable for the
future.
[/quote]
This whole post is very wise, and the bolded so much so that I'm
going to repeat it here:
"We don’t go to the weddings of people we love and owe loyalty
to just because we expect to have fun there: we go to be there
for them." This is the LW's own sister's wedding. He should
go. If his girlfriend hopes to marry him and join the family
someday, she should go, too.
It's not something I would do, but it's not like they are
killing puppies. I wouldn't assume that the women's
refreshments and comforts are going to be inferior, and I
wouldn't assume that it wouldn't be fun without having your
escort by your side, just like a Girls Night Out is fun. I've
never been to a segregated wedding, but I have been to a couple
of weddings where they didn't have mixed dancing; it was all one
room, but there was a divider in the middle of the dance floor.
Everyone seemed to be having fun dancing on their side, just a
different kind of fun than mixed dancing. Maybe less pressure,
too.
And if "his girlfriend may not enjoy herself if she couldn't be
near him," the problem is not this wedding.
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