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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 69427--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guest list debacle
By: mime Date: August 19, 2021, 11:35 pm
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I think you first have to shake the feeling that you are rude or
need to apologize for holding firm to your initial plan.
One of the things going through my mind right now: if I had a
list of 12 guests, and decided to expand to 14, who should those
two other people be? It definitely wouldn't be a
friend-of-a-friend or daughter-of-a-friend taking those seats!
It is very rude for your friends to decide to extend your
hospitality and your money to their guests!
I can understand that they may be used to you having "the more
the merrier" gatherings, and they may have been operating under
that assumption. I think it's still worth talking to them and
pushing back.
I agree with others that you should respond and tell your
friends that this is by invitation only, and you're not
expanding the small guest list.
Finally: you should definitely go. You deserve to be there, and
not to have your spot taken by an uninvited plus-one!
#Post#: 69429--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guest list debacle
By: Aleko Date: August 20, 2021, 4:39 am
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As you tell it, it sounds as though these people are so used to
your hosting large, casual, 'the more the merrier' gatherings,
they have simply not read or thought through your actual
invitation carefully enough, just said 'Yay! The FromBNAs are
giving a party! Who can I think of to bring?' To everyone who
replied that they were bringing a stranger (or mere
acquaintance) you can perfectly well reply ' We’re so glad you
can come! But oh dear, our bad: we should have explained more
clearly that this isn't the kind of come-one-come-all party we
used to give; it's just a small gathering of our closest
friends. Our budget won't stretch to any more guests, and to be
honest, even if it did, it would be at best dull and at worst
thoroughly uncomfortable for an outsider'.
I'm sure your friends would accept that they had just
misunderstood, and take no offence (after all, what's more
flattering than to find that you've been included in an event
restricted to just someone's best, closest friends?) Very few
people actually want to foist a random person on good friends
who clearly don't expect or want them, so while it might be
embarrassing for them to go back to that person and say 'sorry,
that was a mistake', I'm sure most of them would do it.
To Steve, all you need say is 'Absolutely next time! It's just
that this is a small party and we have to be clear on numbers,
so when you told us you couldn’t make it we invited someone else
to fill in.'
To Dave who proposed to bring a not-so-close mutual friend, you
might add something about how 'if you bring Mary, there are a
whose slew of people with whom we have an equivalent friendship
and who might feel "why her and not me"'?
To Jane, I agree with everyone that if she does need her
daughter to drive her that should be addressed, but otherwise
just add 'Anyway, how dreary for Jenny to sit through an evening
with old codgers like us, all eating steak - I don't even know
if the restaurant can do a proper vegan menu: quite possibly
not. We don't want to put her through that!'.
#Post#: 69434--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guest list debacle
By: bopper Date: August 20, 2021, 8:16 am
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I would contact the mother of the adult vegan daughter and say
"I am so sorry that there was a misunderstanding, The invite was
only for you and you inviting your daughter made us go over the
limit for the room. Maybe we can all get together soon. See you
on Saturday!"
#Post#: 69438--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guest list debacle
By: STiG Date: August 20, 2021, 8:55 am
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If this were a large gathering, I would grit my teeth and let
the +1's, substitute and additional invitations go. And did,
for our wedding.
But this is not a large gathering; it is a small, intimate
gathering of your closest friends to celebrate your husband's
outstanding achievement. I would definitely call Jane regarding
her daughter. 'Jane, I'm so sorry; there has been a
misunderstanding. Our invitation was for you, alone, and didn't
include your daughter. The guest list is limited to ten people,
plus DH and me.' Maybe add: 'Additionally, the venue is a
steakhouse; I doubt that your daughter would be happy with that
choice.' And if Jane indicates that she invited her daughter so
someone could drive her, you can then brainstorm ideas that
would allow her to come on her own - the uber suggestion above
is a good one.
I would also call Charles and Dave and let them know, too. And
if that means they don't come? You can invite a couple other
in-towners. It sounds like you are only over the guest list by
one, since you talk about being the one to stay home. So maybe
you'd want to talk to Charles but leave Dave alone, since his
substitute guest is someone you know. But if it isn't someone
you would normally associate with, I'd want to put the kibosh on
that, too.
Why do people not understand invitations anymore?!?!? I
specifically put on our wedding invitations that plus ones were
not included but to let us know if they had an SO we weren't
aware of and we'd add them in. Two of DH's cousins responded
with and brought plus ones. We let it go, rather than make
waves. His choice but I was peeved.
#Post#: 69450--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guest list debacle
By: jpcher Date: August 20, 2021, 2:12 pm
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Aleko -- I agree with most of your post except for the bold
below:
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=2143.msg69429#msg69429
date=1629452361]
(snip)
' We’re so glad you can come! But oh dear, our bad: we should
have explained more clearly that this isn't the kind of
come-one-come-all party we used to give; it's just a small
gathering of our closest friends. Our budget won't stretch to
any more guests, and to be honest, even if it did, it would be
at best dull and at worst thoroughly uncomfortable for an
outsider'.
I'm sure your friends would accept that they had just
misunderstood, and take no offence (after all, what's more
flattering than to find that you've been included in an event
restricted to just someone's best, closest friends?)
(snip)
[/quote]
From the OP:
[quote author=JeanFromBNA link=topic=2143.msg69415#msg69415
date=1629400615]
I wanted my husband to have a small, elegant dinner (he enjoys
haute cuisine and all of the accoutrements) with people who were
important to his training, and who mean something to him.
[/quote]
I took this to mean instructors, classmates, mentors, people who
strongly supported and encourage him during his training and
helped him achieve his goal. This is what the event is about.
Plus, even if I made the mistake of replacing an invited guest
with a different plus 1 that the host knew but was not
particularly a part of the host's achievements it would really
rub me the wrong way if I was told "This is only for besties." I
think that would be a rather hurtful excuse for OP to use.
OP -- if you feel the need to explain further than "Invitation
only" (which I don't think is necessary) I suggest you use your
own wording "This small celebration is for people that were the
most involved and instrumental during his training."
Oh, and there is absolutely no reason to mention your budget
when declining non-invited guests. Available seating at the
restaurant? Eh, blame it on the restaurant . . . but I still
don't think you need to go there.
#Post#: 69451--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guest list debacle
By: JeanFromBNA Date: August 20, 2021, 2:17 pm
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[quote author=Jem link=topic=2143.msg69424#msg69424
date=1629407847]
[quote author=chigger link=topic=2143.msg69418#msg69418
date=1629402952]
...Why in the world would a vegan that only eats lettuce even
want to come? Her mother is the very first person I would send
that message to. Mom is beyond rude....
[/quote]
I don't disagree that the mother is rude but I wanted to address
the first part in general, not specifically for this instance.
For some people it is the gathering that matters, not what is or
is not consumed at that gathering. I realize that here the vegan
was not invited and is not close to the husband, but if she
*were* invited and *were* close to the husband THAT is why she
would want to be there. The fact that she is a vegan who only
eats lettuce is a red herring, to me. She wouldn't be going for
the food.
Kinda like how I hate craft beers. I know that breweries are all
the rage, but I don't want to drink any of the beer offered
there. When friends want to meet at a brewery I will meet them
and drink water. The point, for me, is to be out with friends.
Obviously it is totally fine that the point, for some people, is
to drink the craft beer. I am just explaining why someone might
go someplace where they had no intention of eating or drinking
what is offered.
[/quote]
In this singular case, it is my husband who matters. My husband
likes fancy food and fancy restaurants, and I wanted him to have
that for a celebration of his personal achievements. We've
thrown many, many parties for this group, and my husband has
given them his time, energy, and good humor in abundance. This
party is for him, and I don't want to alter it because someone
might not like the food on offer.
We know Jane's daughter, Mary, and have had her over to our
house many times since she was a kid. Mary didn't contribute to
his martial arts success, but her mother did, and that is why
her mother is invited. Her mother drives Uber, so driving is not
an issue. Jane is used to brining her daughter because they have
been glued at the hip for years.
#Post#: 69453--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guest list debacle
By: JeanFromBNA Date: August 20, 2021, 2:23 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=pjeans link=topic=2143.msg69427#msg69427
date=1629434134]
I think you first have to shake the feeling that you are rude or
need to apologize for holding firm to your initial plan.
One of the things going through my mind right now: if I had a
list of 12 guests, and decided to expand to 14, who should those
two other people be? It definitely wouldn't be a
friend-of-a-friend or daughter-of-a-friend taking those seats!
It is very rude for your friends to decide to extend your
hospitality and your money to their guests!
I can understand that they may be used to you having "the more
the merrier" gatherings, and they may have been operating under
that assumption. I think it's still worth talking to them and
pushing back.
I agree with others that you should respond and tell your
friends that this is by invitation only, and you're not
expanding the small guest list.
Finally: you should definitely go. You deserve to be there, and
not to have your spot taken by an uninvited plus-one!
[/quote]
I'm sick to death of apologizing and feeling guilty for trying
to arrange a small dinner for my husband. You expressed
everything that I was feeling.
#Post#: 69454--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guest list debacle
By: JeanFromBNA Date: August 20, 2021, 2:29 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=2143.msg69429#msg69429
date=1629452361]
As you tell it, it sounds as though these people are so used to
your hosting large, casual, 'the more the merrier' gatherings,
they have simply not read or thought through your actual
invitation carefully enough, just said 'Yay! The FromBNAs are
giving a party! Who can I think of to bring?' To everyone who
replied that they were bringing a stranger (or mere
acquaintance) you can perfectly well reply ' We’re so glad you
can come! But oh dear, our bad: we should have explained more
clearly that this isn't the kind of come-one-come-all party we
used to give; it's just a small gathering of our closest
friends. Our budget won't stretch to any more guests, and to be
honest, even if it did, it would be at best dull and at worst
thoroughly uncomfortable for an outsider'.
I'm sure your friends would accept that they had just
misunderstood, and take no offence (after all, what's more
flattering than to find that you've been included in an event
restricted to just someone's best, closest friends?) Very few
people actually want to foist a random person on good friends
who clearly don't expect or want them, so while it might be
embarrassing for them to go back to that person and say 'sorry,
that was a mistake', I'm sure most of them would do it.
[/quote]
Your first paragraph is spot on. We were known for hosting large
parties with plenty of food and drink, and we took a wild guess
at the guest list, as in "it'll probably be 60 - 75 people this
time, so we'll plan for that." I don't know if they'll
understand or be offended. People tend to remember the last
thing that happened, and if the last thing is to tell someone we
know, "Sorry, but you're not invited," it might not go down
well.
#Post#: 69455--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guest list debacle
By: JeanFromBNA Date: August 20, 2021, 2:36 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=STiG link=topic=2143.msg69438#msg69438
date=1629467750]
If this were a large gathering, I would grit my teeth and let
the +1's, substitute and additional invitations go. And did,
for our wedding.
Why do people not understand invitations anymore?!?!? I
specifically put on our wedding invitations that plus ones were
not included but to let us know if they had an SO we weren't
aware of and we'd add them in. Two of DH's cousins responded
with and brought plus ones. We let it go, rather than make
waves. His choice but I was peeved.
[/quote]
My husband is of the opinion that we should grit our teeth, so
we'll probably do that. I'll have to tell someone not to come,
and hope we don't get more crashers.
Just before I wrote this post, I wondered if we start a new
trend: The I.P.O. invitation, as in "Invited Person(s) Only." It
could be printed at the bottom of the invitation, like it
existed forever, I.P.O., R.S.V.P.
#Post#: 69456--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guest list debacle
By: Jem Date: August 20, 2021, 3:13 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=JeanFromBNA link=topic=2143.msg69451#msg69451
date=1629487035]
....
In this singular case, it is my husband who matters. My husband
likes fancy food and fancy restaurants, and I wanted him to have
that for a celebration of his personal achievements. We've
thrown many, many parties for this group, and my husband has
given them his time, energy, and good humor in abundance. This
party is for him, and I don't want to alter it because someone
might not like the food on offer.
[/quote]
I don't think the food/party should be altered, and I agree that
it does not make sense for the vegan to attend your husband's
gathering because she was not invited. I was explaining,
generally and not specific to this situation, why a vegan may
want to attend a party at a steak house. The vegan may value the
gathering more than what she eats for one meal.
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