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#Post#: 69415--------------------------------------------------
Guest list debacle
By: JeanFromBNA Date: August 19, 2021, 2:16 pm
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Here's an etiquette dilemma we haven't seen for awhile on this
board!
My husband received his 5th degree black belt in a martial art
just before Covid shut everything down. It was the product of 25
years of training and would normally merit a celebration, but
that didn't happen. We've had a rough few years besides Covid,
so to make it up to him I decided to host a small dinner at a
trendy steak restaurant at the end of August. Before issuing
general invitations, I checked to see if a few people from out
of town were interested in coming, to see what size room we
needed to reserve. Then I issued text invitations through
Punchbowl. Here's what happened:
Out-of-towner Charles calls people in town to ask if they were
going. Some of these people were not going to be invited, and
nobody had heard of it because I hadn't gotten that far. After
the invitations are issued, he accepts for himself and someone
we've never met, and who is not his S.O.
Out-of-towner Steve says he doesn't think that he and his wife
can make it. I don't hear from him for two weeks, so assume that
he can't make it (should have checked). After I turn in the
guest count to the restaurant, he replies saying that he can
drive up here, and he's bringing someone my husband met once. I
tell him that I've already turned in the number of guests to the
restaurant. He replies, "Maybe next time."
Out-of-towner Dave accepts, and instead of bringing his wife,
who we had invited, is bringing someone who we know, but who is
not invited.
In-towner Jane accepts for herself and her adult vegan daughter
who only eats lettuce, and who wasn't invited.
We are now over our 12-guest limit. Maybe I should stay home.
I wanted my husband to have a small, elegant dinner (he enjoys
haute cuisine and all of the accoutrements) with people who were
important to his training, and who mean something to him. Part
of the problem is that this group is used to going to casual
restaurants, like a BBQ place, where it doesn't matter who or
how many people you bring. Part of the problem is that we have
hosted huge parties at our home for this group and have been
very welcoming in the past. We are no longer interested in
hosting large parties. I didn't mean for this dinner, at $200 a
plate, to be that inclusive, but I don't know what to do about
this mess of a guest list. Should we:
Accept that we will have several uninvited guests and make the
best of it? This is my husband's vote. This leaves us over our
12-person limit, unless someone doesn't show.
Cancel the whole thing and take a hit in the wallet?
Tell the out-of-towners that it's cancelled, and have the dinner
with the in-town people who we wanted to be there?
If we keep the dinner with the uninvited guests, do we tell Jane
that her daughter isn't invited because she's over the guest
list number? Her feelings are highly likely to be hurt, and
she's likely to spread grief and gossip, especially when she
realizes that there are people that we don't know there.
Let my husband host it, and I'll stay home and eat BBQ? The last
is looking more appealing. I can eat steak another time.
#Post#: 69416--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guest list debacle
By: Jem Date: August 19, 2021, 2:33 pm
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At this point I would go with what your husband wants.
When it comes to things like cuisine, some people care about
food and some simply don't. Going forward, I would consider
whether the people you (general you) want to celebrate with
share your (general you) perspective on food. It isn't that one
perspective is right and one is wrong, just that they are
different.
For a lot of people, spending the time together is the important
part. They might not even like steak or [insert expensive
cuisine here] and would be just as happy with chicken strips.
For other people, getting all dressed up is the point. They want
a nice glass of wine and some awesome photos in fancy clothes.
For other people, they don't care so much about who is there but
are really looking forward to eating _____.
As for the hosts, I think the hosts should just be comfortable
with whatever they are paying for regardless of whether their
guests "appreciate it." So for example, the person who only eats
lettuce. The issue for me would not be that this person only
eats lettuce but instead that she wasn't invited. The issue for
all of these people would be that they were not invited, not
that they would prefer a casual restaurant.
#Post#: 69417--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guest list debacle
By: Hmmm Date: August 19, 2021, 2:49 pm
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I think I would contact those who included people who weren't
invited and just say there seems to have been a miscommunication
and that you are fully hosting a small dinner party and were
only including people and their SO who are close to your
husband. Say you understand that if not having their extra guest
be included causes them to change their response that you and
your husband understand and hope to be able to host a larger
group at another time.
Maybe offer to pay for in towner Jane's uber? Maybe that is why
she included her adult daughter?
#Post#: 69418--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guest list debacle
By: chigger Date: August 19, 2021, 2:55 pm
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I think I would reply to anyone bringing an uninvited guest,
"I'm sorry the invitation was for you, and it's not possible to
host #1's". Why in the world would a vegan that only eats
lettuce even want to come? Her mother is the very first person I
would send that message to. Mom is beyond rude.
#Post#: 69421--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guest list debacle
By: gramma dishes Date: August 19, 2021, 3:16 pm
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=2143.msg69417#msg69417
date=1629402593]
I think I would contact those who included people who weren't
invited and just say there seems to have been a miscommunication
and that you are fully hosting a small dinner party and were
only including people and their SO who are close to your
husband. Say you understand that if not having their extra guest
be included causes them to change their response that you and
your husband understand and hope to be able to host a larger
group at another time. ...
[/quote]
I think this is the route I'd take, but I also think since the
celebration is for your husband's achievement, his vote counts
more than yours (just this once ;). But if he is okay with it
this is what I would do.
#Post#: 69422--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guest list debacle
By: gramma dishes Date: August 19, 2021, 3:17 pm
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mistake
#Post#: 69423--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guest list debacle
By: jpcher Date: August 19, 2021, 3:27 pm
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ARGH! I feel your pain -- how rude some people are! I would
liken this to a wedding reception where if you're not on the
invite list or didn't get a personal invitation than don't go!
I've snipped your quote and filled in my answers in red:
[quote author=JeanFromBNA link=topic=2143.msg69415#msg69415
date=1629400615]
My husband received his 5th degree black belt in a martial art
CONGRATS! to him! that is quite an accomplishment!
Out-of-towner Charles calls people in town to ask if they were
going. Some of these people were not going to be invited, and
nobody had heard of it because I hadn't gotten that far. After
the invitations are issued, he accepts for himself and someone
we've never met, and who is not his S.O.
I'm wondering if he called people to find out if there would be
anybody that he'd like to hang out with. (Which is rude at the
onset.) Then he decided to find a friend (like he needs a friend
to go with him?) I think that it's perfectly fine to reply "I'm
sorry, you might have misunderstood the invitation. This
celebration is by invitation only so we will not be able to
accommodate your guest." If he decides not to come, so be it.
Out-of-towner Dave accepts, and instead of bringing his wife,
who we had invited, is bringing someone who we know, but who is
not invited.
Again the response could be "I'm sorry, you might have
misunderstood the invitation. It's a shame that your wife will
not be able to attend but this celebration is by invitation only
so we will not be able to accommodate your guest."
In-towner Jane accepts for herself and her adult vegan daughter
who only eats lettuce, and who wasn't invited. Thirding my above
two comments. However, this is slightly different from the above
two. Instead of substituting one invitee for a different guest,
Jan is adding to your guest list. "I'm sorry, Jane. We have
reservations for 12 people. At this point it is impossible to
add another seat at our table.
We are now over our 12-guest limit. Maybe I should stay home.
How many people are you over the limit?
I wanted my husband to have a small, elegant dinner (he enjoys
haute cuisine and all of the accoutrements) with people who were
important to his training, and who mean something to him. As it
should be! Especially with special people that walked this
journey with him. It is not a hoopla celebration "come one come
all" type of thing. This is a very special, intimate affair.
Accept that we will have several uninvited guests and make the
best of it? This is my husband's vote. This leaves us over our
12-person limit, unless someone doesn't show. This is up to the
both of you. But since it's hubby's party I think I would defer
to him.
Cancel the whole thing and take a hit in the wallet? No
Tell the out-of-towners that it's cancelled, and have the dinner
with the in-town people who we wanted to be there? Definitely
No. If the out-of-towners hear about the party after the fact,
they would know that you were liars. Not a good thing.
If we keep the dinner with the uninvited guests, do we tell Jane
that her daughter isn't invited because she's over the guest
list number? Her feelings are highly likely to be hurt, and
she's likely to spread grief and gossip, especially when she
realizes that there are people that we don't know there.
Well, adding to someones guest list is rude (especially for
automatically RSVPing with a plus one without even asking).
Spreading grief and gossiping is rude. Feeling hurt because her
daughter wasn't invited? Really? I'm a bit stumped for words
here. ::)
Let my husband host it, and I'll stay home and eat BBQ? The last
is looking more appealing. I can eat steak another time. But it
won't be a special, awesome, elegant steak to celebrate your
husband's accomplishment. Will it?
[/quote]
You will need to call the restaurant to find out if they can
accommodate more people.
Good luck with sorting all of this out . . . I really hope a few
rude people don't ruin the integrity of the event.
Please keep us posted.
(4 new replies since I've been typing).
#Post#: 69424--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guest list debacle
By: Jem Date: August 19, 2021, 4:17 pm
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[quote author=chigger link=topic=2143.msg69418#msg69418
date=1629402952]
...Why in the world would a vegan that only eats lettuce even
want to come? Her mother is the very first person I would send
that message to. Mom is beyond rude....
[/quote]
I don't disagree that the mother is rude but I wanted to address
the first part in general, not specifically for this instance.
For some people it is the gathering that matters, not what is or
is not consumed at that gathering. I realize that here the vegan
was not invited and is not close to the husband, but if she
*were* invited and *were* close to the husband THAT is why she
would want to be there. The fact that she is a vegan who only
eats lettuce is a red herring, to me. She wouldn't be going for
the food.
Kinda like how I hate craft beers. I know that breweries are all
the rage, but I don't want to drink any of the beer offered
there. When friends want to meet at a brewery I will meet them
and drink water. The point, for me, is to be out with friends.
Obviously it is totally fine that the point, for some people, is
to drink the craft beer. I am just explaining why someone might
go someplace where they had no intention of eating or drinking
what is offered.
#Post#: 69425--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guest list debacle
By: NFPwife Date: August 19, 2021, 4:36 pm
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[quote author=Jem link=topic=2143.msg69424#msg69424
date=1629407847]
[quote author=chigger link=topic=2143.msg69418#msg69418
date=1629402952]
...Why in the world would a vegan that only eats lettuce even
want to come? Her mother is the very first person I would send
that message to. Mom is beyond rude....
[/quote]
I don't disagree that the mother is rude but I wanted to address
the first part in general, not specifically for this instance.
For some people it is the gathering that matters, not what is or
is not consumed at that gathering. I realize that here the vegan
was not invited and is not close to the husband, but if she
*were* invited and *were* close to the husband THAT is why she
would want to be there. The fact that she is a vegan who only
eats lettuce is a red herring, to me. She wouldn't be going for
the food.
Kinda like how I hate craft beers. I know that breweries are all
the rage, but I don't want to drink any of the beer offered
there. When friends want to meet at a brewery I will meet them
and drink water. The point, for me, is to be out with friends.
Obviously it is totally fine that the point, for some people, is
to drink the craft beer. I am just explaining why someone might
go someplace where they had no intention of eating or drinking
what is offered.
[/quote]
That's a great point. I get the sense that the daughter serves
some purpose for the mother - a evening driver as suggested by
someone or just a person mother feels comfortable taking because
she doesn't want to go alone. I'd definitely tell Jane that her
daughter cannot be accommodated. For some perspective, if Jane
or her daughter were to gossip about this to me, it would say
more to me about them, than you Jean. People told my DH and me a
very similar story and we walked away saying, "Did they just try
to take their children to an adults only event and then badmouth
the host to us?" (The host never mentioned it to us, either.)
For the "Plus one equals anyone" people, that's trickier, but I
think you can easily say, "That initiation was specific to your
SO, it's not an open plus one." I'm sorry you have to make these
distinctions to people.
#Post#: 69426--------------------------------------------------
Re: Guest list debacle
By: Gellchom Date: August 19, 2021, 11:29 pm
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[quote author=gramma dishes link=topic=2143.msg69421#msg69421
date=1629404169]
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=2143.msg69417#msg69417
date=1629402593]
I think I would contact those who included people who weren't
invited and just say there seems to have been a miscommunication
and that you are fully hosting a small dinner party and were
only including people and their SO who are close to your
husband. Say you understand that if not having their extra guest
be included causes them to change their response that you and
your husband understand and hope to be able to host a larger
group at another time. ...
[/quote]
I think this is the route I'd take, but I also think since the
celebration is for your husband's achievement, his vote counts
more than yours (just this once ;). But if he is okay with it
this is what I would do.
[/quote]
I agree with this.
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