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#Post#: 68953--------------------------------------------------
Child shouting ‘STOP’ in the car
By: Aleko Date: August 7, 2021, 5:39 am
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Today’s Miss Manners column includes a letter asking how to deal
with a 9-year-old step-granddaughter who got bored with the
conversation between LW (the step-grandmother) and her own
mother in the front seats, and loudly ordered ‘STOP’: which
command the mother meekly obeyed.
HTML https://www.uexpress.com/life/miss-manners/2021/08/07
I thought that MM’s reply was a bit meh (as it often is these
days: how are the mighty fallen!). My response would be to
screech to a halt as abruptly as road safety would allow, and
cry ‘Annabel! What’s wrong? For goodness’s sake say!’ and
possibly even leap out, open the passenger door and cry ‘Are you
going to be sick? Quick, on to the verge!’ - which would force
Annabel to grunt sheepishly, ‘No, I’m not going to be sick, I
was just bored’. Then lecture her about the stupidity,
inconsiderateness and dangerousness of what she has just done.
The rudeness of it could be included in the lecture almost as a
side-issue.
#Post#: 68961--------------------------------------------------
Re: Child shouting ‘STOP’ in the car
By: lakey Date: August 7, 2021, 10:08 am
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When people don't correct their children's obnoxious behavior,
there are consequences. As a teacher, sometimes I would see
kids whose parents pretty much let their kids run things. Other
children often avoid kids like that. They can end up having
social problems. I even attended a couple of professional
development events where speakers talked about the trend of
parents letting children have too much power in the family. The
problem here is that you need to be very careful about dealing
with the way other parents raise their children. Parents can get
defensive if they think their parenting is being criticized. As
far as the car incident, or similar incidents where a child is
interrupting adult conversation, I'd say something, especially
if it happens in my home or my car. But there's a good chance
the parent will resent it.
#Post#: 68962--------------------------------------------------
Re: Child shouting ‘STOP’ in the car
By: Aleko Date: August 7, 2021, 10:40 am
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[quote]As far as the car incident, or similar incidents where a
child is interrupting adult conversation, I'd say something,
especially if it happens in my home or my car. But there's a
good chance the parent will resent it. [/quote]
Indeed; which was precisely the problem that the grandmother
wanted MM's advice about. My suggestion was that treating it as
a road safety problem, which the driver has 100% authority to
deal with, rather than a rudeness issue, could avoid implying
blame for bad parenting to the child's mother. If the mother
weighs in saying that the driver is overreacting, and that she
(the mother) hadn't been alarmed a bit because she knew her
treasure only meant she was tired of hearing the grownups talk,
Driver can stand her ground and say 'But I couldn't know, and I
was alarmed. And I had reason to be: because it might have been
anything, from Annabel throwing up over my upholstery to a car
about to hit us side-on!'
#Post#: 68970--------------------------------------------------
Re: Child shouting ‘STOP’ in the car
By: Lula Date: August 7, 2021, 2:00 pm
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From the LW: "Apparently the oldest granddaughter (age 9) didn't
like the subject of our conversations." I don't know whether
that means she found the conversations boring or upsetting. In
either case, yelling "stop!" is rude beyond question. In the
latter case, asking (not demanding) people to refrain from
discussing certain topics in one's captive presence can be
perfectly reasonable, if done politely. The mom is setting the
kid up for trouble socially.
#Post#: 68971--------------------------------------------------
Re: Child shouting ‘STOP’ in the car
By: DaDancingPsych Date: August 7, 2021, 2:15 pm
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Lula beat me to the punch! What didn't she like about the
conversations? Were the two snipping at each other? Were they
gossiping about others? Were they discussing topics that may be
inappropriate or embarrassing to child ears? Were they driving
for hours insisting the children remain quiet and not involved
in the conversation? My guess is probably no, but I would first
want to ensure that the child didn't have a legitimate reason
for objecting. Her approach may have been off, but it's possible
that the child had a point.
I think that I would have opened a dialogue with the child.
"Whatever is wrong, Child?" And when she responds that she's
bored, then I may have suggested ways to fix the problem.
(Inviting her to engage in the conversation. Suggesting a game
she could play.) I would try to avoid correcting the child, but
would suggest better solutions. I acknowledge that some parents
would become upset with this action, so I might feel the waters
a bit if I was trying to build a better relationship with the
mother.
#Post#: 68973--------------------------------------------------
Re: Child shouting ‘STOP’ in the car
By: Rose Red Date: August 7, 2021, 2:50 pm
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There's some background we don't know. Is "stop" a code word in
that family for upsetting conversation? Is she just being
spoiled and obnoxious? How loud is loud? Either way, she should
be taught not to say "stop" in a moving car. That could cause an
accident since your instinct is to actually stop.
#Post#: 68982--------------------------------------------------
Re: Child shouting ‘STOP’ in the car
By: LifeOnPluto Date: August 8, 2021, 12:46 am
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I agree that the best course of action is to clarify with the
child whether they are asking that the car be stopped, or that
the conversation be stopped.
Assuming it was the conversation (and that the conversation in
question did not involve anything that would be distressing to
the child), I absolutely think that someone needed to step up
and inform the child that it's rude to yell "stop!" simply
because you're bored of a conversation. I'm actually quite
concerned that the mother obeyed the child like that - it's not
a great lesson to be teaching a young one like that.
I posted a similar story a few years ago on the old eHell
boards. My partner and I were visiting his family, and my MIL
was chatting about something. My partner's then-11 year old
niece shouted "Shut up Grandma! You're so boring!" And my MIL
did as she was told, and stopped talking! No one else in the
room - my FIL, BIL, or partner, said anything. I was so shocked
(if that had been me at age 11, I'd have been reprimanded and
ordered to apologise to my gran), that I blurted "Niece, that's
not polite! And I for one, find your grandma's conversation
interesting!". Only then did the other adults in the room speak
up, and tell Niece "yeah, that's not on."
Fast forward 7 years, and... let's just say that Niece's life
has taken an unfortunate direction, mostly through her own
choices. Dropping out of school, underage drinking, smoking
weed, refusal to get a job, in trouble with the law, etc. I
honestly think much of it stems from a complete lack of
consequences by her parents and grandparents when she was
younger.
#Post#: 68986--------------------------------------------------
Re: Child shouting ‘STOP’ in the car
By: gramma dishes Date: August 8, 2021, 7:56 am
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[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=2131.msg68982#msg68982
date=1628401609]
... My partner's then-11 year old niece shouted "Shut up
Grandma! You're so boring!" And my MIL did as she was told, and
stopped talking! No one else in the room - my FIL, BIL, or
partner, said anything. ...
[/quote]
I'm not at all surprised that Grandma stopped talking. In that
position I'm pretty sure I'd stop talking too if I were the
Grandma. What is shocking is that no one else reprimanded the
child -- well, until you, and you weren't even related to her
and not responsible for her behavior.
#Post#: 69099--------------------------------------------------
Re: Child shouting ‘STOP’ in the car
By: holly firestorm Date: August 10, 2021, 4:31 pm
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=2131.msg68962#msg68962
date=1628350847]
[quote]As far as the car incident, or similar incidents where a
child is interrupting adult conversation, I'd say something,
especially if it happens in my home or my car. But there's a
good chance the parent will resent it. [/quote]
Indeed; which was precisely the problem that the grandmother
wanted MM's advice about. My suggestion was that treating it as
a road safety problem, which the driver has 100% authority to
deal with, rather than a rudeness issue, could avoid implying
blame for bad parenting to the child's mother. If the mother
weighs in saying that the driver is overreacting, and that she
(the mother) hadn't been alarmed a bit because she knew her
treasure only meant she was tired of hearing the grownups talk,
Driver can stand her ground and say 'But I couldn't know, and I
was alarmed. And I had reason to be: because it might have been
anything, from Annabel throwing up over my upholstery to a car
about to hit us side-on!'
[/quote]
Your suggestion was hysterical. And, yes, you would think that's
the way Annabel should react. But, sadly, the kid sounds like
such an entitled brat that she'd probably get a big thrill that
she had so much power the adults not only stopped the
conversation she wasn't enjoying, but, she actually made them
stop the car.
If she yelled "STOP" at me when I was having a conversation I'd
yell back "NO! We're talking! You don't have to join in if you
don't want!" If that didn't get through to Annabel (and her Mom)
then I would proceed to interrupt Annabel whenever she started a
conversation by yelling, "STOP!" at her (also at the same
distance as she was from her Mom and Grandmother when they were
talking. Don't forget, it was also Grandma she yelled "STOP" at,
not just Mom.
#Post#: 69109--------------------------------------------------
Re: Child shouting ‘STOP’ in the car
By: NFPwife Date: August 10, 2021, 6:56 pm
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When my nephews were young there was a whole discussion about
how they couldn't "cross talk" at a family dinner. They were
asked to consider that there were lines, or strings, between two
people talking and their conversation line couldn't break the
current line. (One was trying to talk to my DH across another
conversation.) They were instructed that they could get up and
move to their uncle to talk. (Everyone was done eating at this
point and just visiting at the table.) Several months later the
youngest said, "Uncle (PVZFan DH) I'm coming to you so we can
have our own string."
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