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#Post#: 68517--------------------------------------------------
whether/how to inform hosts of a new "social unit"
By: Gellchom Date: July 22, 2021, 7:23 am
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Okay so we all know that wedding hosts are supposed to invite
spouses and fiance(e)s, and added to that list now are
cohabiting couples. Not that they shouldn't invite other
significant others, too, just that that is the minimum list of
social units that must always be invited together to something
like a wedding.
As a host, I have always been delighted to get a call from a
friend or cousin asking me to invite a grown child's significant
other that I didn't know about at all, or that I didn't know had
progressed to a serious relationship. It's an honor to think
that they want to introduce the SO to the family and vice-versa
at our family's event. Only once has it been just a
"can-I-bring-a-date"; every other time, it was someone to whom
they were soon engaged.
So now my nephew is engaged, and although I know he knows that
my son has a girlfriend, I didn't know whether he knew that
their relationship has progressed very quickly and that they are
planning to move in together soon. I saw that the RSVP form for
the rehearsal dinner on the wedding website that Son is invited,
but not (yet, anyway) Girlfriend.
I have a very good relationship with Nephew, so in this case I
was comfortable calling him about this. (I also felt okay about
doing it because 8 years ago his mom asked us to invite his
sister's boyfriend, who is now her husband, to our daughter's
wedding, and of course we were happy to so.)
The way I put it was, "I know that you know Son has a
girlfriend, but I don't know whether you know that they have
gotten very serious and are moving in together and talking
marriage. So I wanted to ask you to consider inviting
Girlfriend along with Son, although I know it can be hard to
expand a guest list. You don't have to answer; I just thought
you'd want this information as you are finalizing your guest
list." He seemed fine with my asking, and he confirmed he had
not known the state of their relationship now. He didn't give a
commitment, which of course was fine (I mean, his fiancee wasn't
even on the call!); he said they had pretty much decided to make
"heading toward marriage" their benchmark, and I was able to
confirm that that's exactly where they are. So I'm glad I
called.
This time it was an easy situation, because we are close
relatives, have a good relationship, and this is the precedent
in the other direction. I might have done it by email or text
instead of a call if I had been worried that he would have felt
put on the spot, but I knew that he wouldn't -- just in case, I
added the "you don't have to answer."
My question is therefore for general purposes, not my situation
(and anyway, I did it already!). In what circumstances would
you have such a conversation? With whom would you have it?
Would you feel comfortable asking for the invitation, or would
you just give the relationship-status info, and leave it to them
to do the right thing? Would you only to it if the relationship
in question was at the "must-invite-social-unit" stage, or
something less than that? How would you word it?
I think that this is probably not a question with a
one-size-fits-all answer. I'm very interested in hearing
everyone's ideas and perhaps past experiences, as both host and
guest.
#Post#: 68519--------------------------------------------------
Re: whether/how to inform hosts of a new "social unit"
By: lowspark Date: July 22, 2021, 7:39 am
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To be honest, I think your son should have been the one to do
the asking, not you. I'm assuming he will be getting his own
invitation. He's a grown person and as such, should be doing his
own advocating. And his asking would, I believe, give much more
weight to the declaration that they are indeed a social unit.
I think it's fine to call/text/email the host(s) and let them
know that you now have an S.O. (however you want to word it)
that you would appreciate being able to have accompany you to
the event if possible. And I think it's ok to ask regardless of
the formality of the event.
Ultimately, of course, it's up to the host, so you have to be ok
with taking "no" for an answer, particularly if it's something
like a wedding where there's a significant expense involved and
guest lists are normally set way in advance.
As host, though, I would think it to be particularly ungracious
to decline if asked.
#Post#: 68520--------------------------------------------------
Re: whether/how to inform hosts of a new "social unit"
By: Luci Date: July 22, 2021, 8:53 am
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When we invite a person we are not sure about, we write "and
guest" on the invitation.
#Post#: 68521--------------------------------------------------
Re: whether/how to inform hosts of a new "social unit"
By: lakey Date: July 22, 2021, 8:57 am
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I don't think there is any easy answer to this. There are
different levels of "significant other", living together,
planning to live together, engaged, living together but never
getting married, been together for years but not living
together. Then there are the people who move in with someone
they've known for one month and it doesn't last. The concept of
social unit used to be married or engaged and that doesn't work
anymore. The hosts do the best they can. Whether people who are
in what they consider to be significant relationships should
bring it up depends on how close and comfortable their
relationship is with the host. If the groom is a nephew that you
are really close to who won't feel that you are being pushy,
bring it up. I would not do it by text or email. The tone of
your voice conveys that you aren't being demanding. On the other
hand, if there is a chance that this will be awkward, I'd let it
go. It's one event, it won't hurt to attend alone.
#Post#: 68522--------------------------------------------------
Re: whether/how to inform hosts of a new "social unit"
By: Hmmm Date: July 22, 2021, 9:05 am
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I had a very similar situation a couple of years ago. My
cousin's son was getting married and my DD and her BF had moved
to that "almost engaged stage". I didn't outright ask for him to
be included but called my cousin to tell her how pretty the
invitations were and that we were excited to attend. When she of
course asked how my two offspring were doing I mentioned that DD
and her BF were getting serious and how much we liked him. She
then did the 'Oh, you must ask him to the wedding! We'd love to
meet him." And then she sent a text to DD telling her to include
him.
In our family, weddings and funerals have always been the venues
that prospective new relations get introduced to the wider
family because we just don't live close enough to get together
more than once every couple of years. So I admit that the
outcome was my intention and that she most likely knew it was.
But I had given her an out if they were keeping a tight rein on
the guest list especially considering the bride's family was
paying for the wedding. The groom's second cousin's soon to be
fiance may not had made the cut since they weren't an official
social couple. But we are a family of "hinters" and we speak
hinter language fluently amongst ourselves. In this case, they
were able to accomodate and my cousin would have actually been
upset to later learn she and the other family members missed an
opportunity to meet DD's BF.
I do see Lowspark position that it would make since for your son
to advocate but I think it really depends on the family dynamic.
In our case, it would have been really odd for DD to call this
second cousin who she has only ever met a dozen times in her
life and have probably never had a one on one conversation. And
even then, having me as the Mom acknowledge the serious of the
relationship puts more weight on how serious it is to other
family members, especially with with this specific cousin
because she had a parade of SO's her kid's paraded through her
life and she was spot on knowing which were the relationships
that would stick. (We joke about the guys in our family being
"serial monogamists" because from 18 on, they all seem to run
through about 4 serious, this will be forever, relationships
before they actually settle down. So when the mom or dad say's
they think this is the one, we pay attention.)
#Post#: 68526--------------------------------------------------
Re: whether/how to inform hosts of a new "social unit"
By: Gellchom Date: July 22, 2021, 10:13 am
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=2119.msg68522#msg68522
date=1626962716]
In our family, weddings and funerals have always been the venues
that prospective new relations get introduced to the wider
family because we just don't live close enough to get together
more than once every couple of years.
[/quote]
This is our family situation, too. We are scattered across the
map. So it’s not a matter of “It's one event, it won't hurt to
attend alone” at all. Attending alone isn’t a problem. It’s
about her and the family meeting each other, and this would be
the only time as there are no other family events on the horizon
in my husband’s family. (Last month she attended events in my
family.)
When my sister in law asked us to invite her daughter’s then
boyfriend to our daughter’s wedding, I think he had already met
a lot of us. So that was solely about their being a social
unit, and we were glad to do it.
Lowspark, you’re right; maybe it would’ve been better for my son
to ask this. In this case, I knew it would be okay, as Nephew
and I are very fond of each other. (I just got a text from him
as I was typing that!)
#Post#: 68527--------------------------------------------------
Re: whether/how to inform hosts of a new "social unit"
By: NFPwife Date: July 22, 2021, 10:25 am
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[quote author=Gellchom link=topic=2119.msg68526#msg68526
date=1626966834]
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=2119.msg68522#msg68522
date=1626962716]
In our family, weddings and funerals have always been the venues
that prospective new relations get introduced to the wider
family because we just don't live close enough to get together
more than once every couple of years.
[/quote]
This is our family situation, too. We are scattered across the
map. So it’s not a matter of “It's one event, it won't hurt to
attend alone” at all. Attending alone isn’t a problem. It’s
about her and the family meeting each other, and this would be
the only time as there are no other family events on the horizon
in my husband’s family. (Last month she attended events in my
family.)
When my sister in law asked us to invite her daughter’s then
boyfriend to our daughter’s wedding, I think he had already met
a lot of us. So that was solely about their being a social
unit, and we were glad to do it.
Lowspark, you’re right; maybe it would’ve been better for my son
to ask this. In this case, I knew it would be okay, as Nephew
and I are very fond of each other. (I just got a text from him
as I was typing that!)
[/quote]
Our family is the same. I met my DH's extended family at a
funeral.
I think this was handled really smoothly. Hmmm's situation as
well. In my husband's family it would be unheard of for the
offspring to make these calls on their own. It would be
considered a violation of the hierarchy of the family. In my
family, where offspring managed a lot of their own interactions,
it would still be reasonable for the parent to call. Although my
mother would have pushed us to do it ourselves; I can just hear
her saying, "I'm busy and, besides, you need to learn how to do
these things." (My dad would have role-played the call with us
and outlined what we could/ should say, my mom would have just
handed us the phone number.)
#Post#: 68529--------------------------------------------------
Re: whether/how to inform hosts of a new "social unit"
By: Gellchom Date: July 22, 2021, 1:56 pm
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Come to think of it, it’s usually mom to mom with us, too. The
only exceptions I can recall were where a mom was dead.
Probably even if the HC, not the parents, are hosting, which is
the case here (or possibly the bride’s parents are hosting). I
think it’s not so much protocol as putting in a little distance.
So the unusual part if any here was that I called Nephew, not
SIL. But I’m closer with him than with her, and she tends to be
passive aggressive if not outright rude in such matters, so we
felt it was better to leave her out of it.
#Post#: 68579--------------------------------------------------
Re: whether/how to inform hosts of a new "social unit"
By: TootsNYC Date: July 23, 2021, 3:50 pm
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[quote author=lowspark link=topic=2119.msg68519#msg68519
date=1626957596]
To be honest, I think your son should have been the one to do
the asking, not you. I'm assuming he will be getting his own
invitation. He's a grown person and as such, should be doing his
own advocating. And his asking would, I believe, give much more
weight to the declaration that they are indeed a social unit.
[/quote]
I am personally a fan of the Aunt Mafia, and I think it's better
to get this "intelligence" from someone other than the person
directly affected.
I also agree with the idea that if one of the aunts, or the
moms, calls, that lends a certain credibility to the "they are a
serious couple." Of course, there are aunts/moms who would lie
about that, or exaggerate, but having a senior family member
make the assessment is a reasonable way to vet the claim.
#Post#: 68677--------------------------------------------------
Re: whether/how to inform hosts of a new "social unit"
By: Gellchom Date: July 26, 2021, 4:24 pm
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Update
My son told me he called his cousin, the groom, to ask if he
could bring Girlfriend, and Cousin said “of course!” So that’s
the end of my story.
But I’m still interested to hear people’s thoughts on the
general question.
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