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#Post#: 68374--------------------------------------------------
Farm visit help
By: frog24 Date: July 19, 2021, 12:23 pm
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Hi all,
I need some advice and wisdom.
My kids and I were invited to visit a co-worker's hobby farm. He
mentioned that he had a generously fruiting tree and was
overwhelmed with fruit. One coworker jokingly asked if he
shipped fruit to people, and I asked if he let people come and
pick it themselves. He invited us (me & the kids) up for a visit
to pick fruit, look at his animals and generally visit with him
and his family.
We drove up this weekend (it's about an hour away from us),
visited for a bit, and he showed us his farm. (Yes, we brought a
thank you gift for them)Then he got us bags and buckets and said
he was going to go and prepare lunch.
So the kids and I started picking. We played with his little one
while we did so. His wife came out and chatted for a while and I
mentioned that I didn't want to take too much fruit. "Take all
you want," she said. "I just want it gone. I'm tired of dealing
with it." So we kept picking.
After a lovely lunch, we bade our farewells and left with our
fruit.
This morning, I receive a message from him saying "We didn't
have a chance to weigh the fruit you picked, and you while we
invited you to pick x, we really didn't expect you to pick y.
Please send a generous payment to this email address."
I'm not sure how to respond. If it matters, the co-worker is of
a different ethnicity than I, so as guests, he wouldn't've felt
comfortable telling us that we should stay away from the "y"
plants and stick to picking "x". But if he'd told me that we
were to pay for the fruit, I wouldn't have picked so much of it.
What should I do?
#Post#: 68376--------------------------------------------------
Re: Farm visit help
By: Jem Date: July 19, 2021, 12:36 pm
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I don't think you OWE any money, but under the circumstances I
might respond with something like this:
Dear Co-Worker:
I apologize if I misunderstood the terms of picking fruit at
your hobby farm! We had no idea we were picking more than you
intended. What would you consider fair payment?
Sincerely,
OP
#Post#: 68380--------------------------------------------------
Re: Farm visit help
By: Hmmm Date: July 19, 2021, 1:02 pm
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I agree with Jem. I'd end up paying but I know I'd be pretty
annoyed that he expected payment after the fact.
He should have made it very clear what was open for picking and
he should have told you the amount he expected per pound before
you made the decision to drive up.
#Post#: 68391--------------------------------------------------
Re: Farm visit help
By: lowspark Date: July 19, 2021, 2:11 pm
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Did she literally say "TAKE" all you want? Or "Pick" all you
want? You might not remember now, of course, but sheesh! You
don't tell people to help themselves and then ask them to make a
"generous" payment days later!
I'm torn between just ignoring that and then if coworker brings
it up again, use that line from My Cousin Vinny, "You were
serious about that?" OR just putting a $20 bill on coworker's
desk and calling it good.
Either way, I would pretty much cool off any social relationship
with this person and just keep it business from now on.
I am confused though, about where either of your ethnicities
play into what kind of fruit you could pick or why he wouldn't
be comfortable telling you not to pick a certain kind of fruit.
#Post#: 68393--------------------------------------------------
Re: Farm visit help
By: SureJan Date: July 19, 2021, 2:39 pm
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[quote author=Jem link=topic=2116.msg68376#msg68376
date=1626716181]
I don't think you OWE any money, but under the circumstances I
might respond with something like this:
Dear Co-Worker:
I apologize if I misunderstood the terms of picking fruit at
your hobby farm! We had no idea we were picking more than you
intended. What would you consider fair payment?
Sincerely,
OP
[/quote]
I’m in a pretty cranky mood today so I’d probably apologize and
offer to return Y fruit, less the cost of labor for picking it.
;)
But if you want to stay on good terms with coworker I’d go with
Jem’s wording.
#Post#: 68402--------------------------------------------------
Re: Farm visit help
By: frog24 Date: July 19, 2021, 4:16 pm
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[quote author=lowspark link=topic=2116.msg68391#msg68391
date=1626721890]
Did she literally say "TAKE" all you want? Or "Pick" all you
want? You might not remember now, of course, but sheesh! You
don't tell people to help themselves and then ask them to make a
"generous" payment days later!
I am confused though, about where either of your ethnicities
play into what kind of fruit you could pick or why he wouldn't
be comfortable telling you not to pick a certain kind of fruit.
[/quote]
While we were chatting (and I was picking) I said: "Should I
leave some of these lower branches untouched? I know you have
people coming to buy from you tomorrow." And she said: "We have
enough picked already for those orders. Keep picking, take all
you want; I'm tired of dealing with them."
The ethnicity thing comes into play because I know my co-worker
moved here from another country not too long ago, so different
culture rules growing up. When we were called in for lunch, they
served us... and wouldn't eat with us. They said as our guests
we had to be served as much as we wanted, and only then would
they eat. I assured them that what was on our plates was more
than enough, and while I understood the matter of serving
guests, it was awkward for us that they wouldn't sit at the
table and at least join us. They demurred, so we sat there on
one side of the table eating. When we were done, they sat at the
table and had their food.
So I can see how (to be polite to guests) they wouldn't tell us
to not pick one thing while offering us the other. And I can see
ho afterwards, they would've said that it was very rude of us to
take what we shouldn't have... and to not offer them money for
what we did take.
I feel so guilty, and confused, and angry at the whole request
for payment.
#Post#: 68405--------------------------------------------------
Re: Farm visit help
By: sandisadie Date: July 19, 2021, 5:50 pm
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Maybe you should just figure out how much you would probably pay
if you bought this produce from a u-pick farm. And just give
your co-worker that and be done with it. You could always weigh
the food on your scale instead of estimating the weight. If you
decide to do this you should probably tell him how you figured
out what the food was worth. Don't be too hard on yourself for
how you handle this.
#Post#: 68406--------------------------------------------------
Re: Farm visit help
By: NFPwife Date: July 19, 2021, 5:59 pm
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I understood completely how culture could come into play. I
think you were supposed to offer to pay, they would refuse, you
offer, they refuse, you offer, they refuse, you insist, they
give you a bill and you pay. They didn't expect you to take them
at face value. People from cultures that use a lot of meta
message and those offer/ refuse dances will be constantly
perplexed (and sometimes angry) with "say what you mean, mean
what you say" cultures.
I'd reply "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you expected us to pay
for the fruit. I took your statements to take as much as we
wanted and your wife's encouragement to pick more at face value.
I'm enclosing $X for the fruit."
Personally, I'd figure out what was fair for the fruit using
some of the guesstimates above and then go a little lower.
Because I'm petty like that. (No, because I think there's a bit
of a lesson for them to learn around direct communication in
their new homeland and I wouldn't be making them whole.
Especially when they encouraged you to pick above and beyond
your first stopped point.)
#Post#: 68414--------------------------------------------------
Re: Farm visit help
By: Aleko Date: July 20, 2021, 2:01 am
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[quote]I understood completely how culture could come into play.
I think you were supposed to offer to pay, they would refuse,
you offer, they refuse, you offer, they refuse, you insist, they
give you a bill and you pay. They didn't expect you to take them
at face value. People from cultures that use a lot of meta
message and those offer/ refuse dances will be constantly
perplexed (and sometimes angry) with "say what you mean, mean
what you say" cultures.[/quote]
This! I remember reading an account by an American woman who had
spent a long time in Iran (way back from before it went
fundamentalist). One of the things she and her husband found
hardest to figure out and come to terms with was that when
people besought them to come in and take tea, or accept armfuls
of gifts, most of the time it was mere politeness, and if they,
being literally minded Westerners, happily accepted these
offers, the Iranians concerned were baffled and annoyed. But
just occasionally the offer was genuinely meant, and if it was
brushed off with routine politeness the offerer would be deeply
hurt. I wish I could remember the title and author of the book,
because she conveyed very vividly just how difficult and
exhausting this way of interacting is if you didn’t grow up with
it so that it became second nature.
And of course for anyone who did grow up with it, it must be
equally hard to learn to not-offer things you don’t really want
to give people, or state your boundaries in plain terms. In the
light of that Iranian memoir, I can imagine that Co-worker’s
wife’s response ‘Take all you want. I just want it gone’ might
well have been intended to convey ‘You are my guests and heaven
forbid that I should tell you to stop enjoying yourselves, or
withhold anything of ours that you wish to have. Nevertheless,
I’d actually like you to stop.’ And that right to the end of the
visit they were waiting for you to offer to pay for the fruit,
when of course they would politely refuse payment, and you would
say ‘No, no, we insist!’ and so on till they felt the exchange
had gone on long enough that they could decently accept payment.
So I think both you and Co-worker should just treat this as a
cultural learning event, and not blame yourselves or each other.
One possibly-useful hint though: even people who genuinely don’t
want you to pay for their fruit do often want to know for their
records how much was picked*. So it’s always legit to produce it
for weighing, and during that process it might be easier for you
or the owner to casually introduce the question of a price.
*My mother planted a number of gooseberry bushes which became so
prolific that each summer we’d eat as many as we could, and
she’d preserve as many as would fit into the larder, and still
they kept coming. Anyone who stopped by our house in the
gooseberry season was practically kidnapped, led to the
gooseberries and told to pick a couple of pounds at least to
take with them before she’d allow them to leave! She’d weigh
what they’d picked and enter it in her garden book, and when
we’d had a hundredweight she’d relax and say that she’d done her
duty by them and if nobody else turned up who’d like to pick and
take some, she was prepared to let the last ones rot on the
bush.
#Post#: 68416--------------------------------------------------
Re: Farm visit help
By: DaDancingPsych Date: July 20, 2021, 4:34 am
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Since we are seeing this as a cultural difference, I wonder if
it would have made a difference if OP had brought up the idea of
payment prior to finalizing plans? "My kids would love to come
pick! What do you typically charge by the pound?" I don't offer
it as a solution (we are way past it), but merely curious the
best way to solve these cultural misunderstandings.
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