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#Post#: 68242--------------------------------------------------
Dealing with the heirloom engagement ring
By: Hmmm Date: July 15, 2021, 8:58 am
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A letter in Miss Manners reminded me of this situation from more
than 20 years ago.
A friend had been given her grandmother's engagement ring. She
had always envisioned it being used when she got engaged. The
guy she was dating knew of her preference. Before he
"officially" proposed, then discussed the ring. He was fine with
using the diamond in the ring, but wanted to have it put into a
new setting so that he felt he had made some contribution to the
ring. She felt like that would be dishonoring or loosing some of
the sentimental value of the ring. It became a pretty big issue
between the two of them. He suggested she just start wearing her
grandmother's ring on her other hand and he'd buy a new
engagement ring. She didn't like that idea. She suggested that
he instead focus on having a complimentary wedding band created.
This was back in the day when the double wedding band "ring
guards" were in style. He was fine with that but still felt like
he wasn't part of the actual engagement ring.
The issue ended up being a mute point because when they went to
have the band resized, they found it was worn so thin that a new
band would be needed anyway.
But what is the protocol on heirloom engagement rings?
#Post#: 68243--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with the heirloom engagement ring
By: Jem Date: July 15, 2021, 9:09 am
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=2112.msg68242#msg68242
date=1626357483]
But what is the protocol on heirloom engagement rings?
[/quote]
I don't know the official answer as to protocol, but I find the
woman's approach here really off-putting. I would think using
the diamond(s) in a new engagement/wedding band would be a good
approach, or simply wearing the ring as a non-engagement/wedding
ring (like a right hand ring). Insisting that the to-be-husband
has no say or contribution just seems so.....strange and
unfocused on what is really important in a MARRIAGE.
#Post#: 68245--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with the heirloom engagement ring
By: DaDancingPsych Date: July 15, 2021, 9:29 am
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I agree that I am unaware of any protocol and no right answer.
An engagement ring is not required to be engaged. But I do think
that the husband to be's feelings should be considered. I
imagine that some men could care less, but certainly some
treasure the idea of selecting the perfect ring. I am not sure
what the right compromise for this couple is, but maybe they
could have considered an engagement necklace. When people asked
to see the ring, she could have said, "I am wearing my grandma's
ring, but fiancee has added this lovely one of a kind necklace."
It's just a thought, but I do think that they should have worked
this out together.
#Post#: 68246--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with the heirloom engagement ring
By: Lilipons Date: July 15, 2021, 10:01 am
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That’s a good idea’ DaDancingPsych but I would do it the other
way.
I would wear the ring my husband and I chose on my hand and wear
Grandma’s ring on a chain around my neck.
#Post#: 68247--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with the heirloom engagement ring
By: Rose Red Date: July 15, 2021, 10:21 am
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I agree with Jem that it's off-putting. The guy offered a few
compromises and she just rejected each one without thought to
his feelings.
I feel like if an heirloom ring is from his side of the family,
it's still gift is from him. But since it was her grandmother's
ring, it's like she's giving herself the gift. It's fine if both
agree, but in this case, he didn't so they should have talked
more about it to come up with a decision that will make both
happy.
#Post#: 68252--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with the heirloom engagement ring
By: Aleko Date: July 15, 2021, 2:38 pm
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It has always been acceptable, indeed rather lovely, for a man
to give his intended an heirloom ring, maybe his mother's or
grandmother's. That's because he is giving her more than just a
pretty, expensive rock set in metal; he's giving her something
personal to himself, and also, as he asks her to join hs family,
giving her something to welcome her into that family. Bonus
points if the mother or grandmother concerned had a blissfully
happy marriage to Dad or Granny.*
But it is not lovely, when your fiance wants to give you a token
of his and your mutual love and commitment, to refuse it on the
grounds that you already have one from a family member (who he
probably never even met) which means more to you than anything
he could give you. Because when you come down to it that really
is what it means. It's a huge snub. Hmmm's friend's fiance
certainly felt it as such - his attempts to have at least some
input into the ring show that. He definitely didn't see it just
as a let-off from expense.
If we had a custom of couples giving each other engagement rings
(and why don't we? Why is it still only one way?), it would be
just sweet if she could give him the ring her grandmother gave
her father. (And equally offensive if he were to say no, got a
ring already.) But refusing the gift of someone's love is never
sweet. Just isn't.
Honestly, the only possible motive I can think of for these
women's actions is that they have been fantasising about getting
engaged for so long, and like children have put on Granny's ring
pretending it's their engagement ring, that now to them it is
their engagement ring (not a good mindset). Nothing else makes
sense - after all, nobody's saying they have to throw away
Granny's ring, or put it in a box and never wear it again.
*Which is why, if I were Catherine Middleton, I'd have been
somewhat ambivalent about receiving for my engagement the
sapphire ring that Charles gave to Diana. I mean, sure, it has
huge sentimental importance to William, but it's not what you'd
call an emblem of undying love, right?
#Post#: 68253--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with the heirloom engagement ring
By: Titanica Date: July 15, 2021, 3:10 pm
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=2112.msg68252#msg68252
date=1626377928]
*Which is why, if I were Catherine Middleton, I'd have been
somewhat ambivalent about receiving for my engagement the
sapphire ring that Charles gave to Diana. I mean, sure, it has
huge sentimental importance to William, but it's not what you'd
call an emblem of undying love, right?
[/quote]
Says who? William said at the time that it was his way of
making his mother a part of that day. Maybe it's an emblem of
undying love between her and her sons. And with all the jewels
at their disposal, I'm sure that if Kate felt "ambivalent" about
it, she could have gotten a different one. Personally, I would
think she'd be extremely honored to be given something that was
worn by someone who was so beloved all over the world, not to
mention someone who her fiancé absolutely adored. And given the
frequency with which she wears it, I highly doubt she is
anything less than happy with it.
#Post#: 68254--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with the heirloom engagement ring
By: lowspark Date: July 15, 2021, 3:12 pm
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Yeah, I don't think there's any set protocol. My suggestion for
the couple would have been to take the ring to a good jeweler
and ask for their ideas/advice. After all, I'm betting it's not
the first time this situation has occurred and an experienced
jeweler probably has run across it before.
A couple of ideas I can think of is for the fiancé to ADD
diamonds or other stones to the setting instead of having it
totally reset. OR to have a complementary ring made that would
fit next to the ring, maybe between the grandmother's ring and
the wedding ring.
But in the end, this is a pretty good test of how the couple
will solve issues in their marriage. How will each of them deal
with it when one digs in their heels and won't compromise? Will
that be the norm or is this a one-off?
I don't know if you want to tell us, Hmmm, but is that couple
still happily married?
#Post#: 68260--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with the heirloom engagement ring
By: Hmmm Date: July 15, 2021, 5:07 pm
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^^^
They moved to a different State about 5 years after their
marriage and we are pretty much down to Christmas Card exchange.
So I know they are married but not privy to how blissful.
She was a bit of a Daddy's girl and it was paternal
grandmother's ring. I think her Dad had always really played up
the sentimentality of her one day wearing the ring. I wouldn't
have surprised me if he was pushing the idea of keeping the
integrity of the ring. I remember her Dad not being at all happy
about their move but wasn't surprised her husband was happy to
get a few states away from his in-laws. It was actually her job
that caused the move so at least he wasn't able to put that
blame on his son in law. :)
The situation stuck with me because my parents were deceased by
then and my friend was surprised that my sister's husband had
the diamond from Mom's engagement ring reset into a new setting
and we were all perfectly happy with that choice.
#Post#: 68264--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with the heirloom engagement ring
By: STiG Date: July 15, 2021, 5:48 pm
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My husband and I chose my engagement ring together but I also
had my Mom's engagement ring. The style didn't suit so we had
it remade, including the gold, into something I liked for my
wedding band and one diamond went into DH's wedding band. It
worked for us.
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