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#Post#: 67764--------------------------------------------------
"Priceless Treasures"
By: NFPwife Date: June 29, 2021, 7:47 pm
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I'm wondering how you all deal with helping relatives downsize
when they think their items are more valuable than they are.
My husband's uncle was widowed prior to the pandemic, he didn't
have any children. He calls my husband "his boy." (In that old,
country way.) Let's call him Uncle Fred. Uncle Fred is cleaning
out his wife's items and other things around his home and he
seems to value things beyond their worth. For instance, he had
two clothes dryers that he was keeping "for parts" but, during
the pandemic, decided he wanted them out. I have a friend who
hauled both away for free. (Typical cost was $50 per dryer.)
Uncle Fred agreed to that, thought it a good deal, but now,
several months later, will say, "They made money on me. You know
they scrapped those for metal and made money off me." DH and I
have both said that any money they made was a fair exchange for
the labor and hauling and space it freed up in his basement.
He'll agree, but a week or two later he's back on that loop.
Uncle Fred's wife was the last of her sisters to pass. She
acquired their costume jewelry when they died. (Their children
have the pieces of value.) Aunt Ethel would wear the pieces and
if she were complimented on them, she'd tell a story about the
owner, maybe where the piece was bought, a funny thing that
happened when the original owner wore it, etc. Uncle Fred has
given some of these pieces away and I've seen the way people
receive them. It's a "Oh, you shouldn't, I just couldn't, oh
thank you so much. I'll wear it often," blah, blah, blah. I say
"blah, blah, blah" because I'm certain that 90% of these gushing
thank yous are disingenuous and the person is going to dump the
piece the minute they leave.
I have friends who sell things to production companies for
props. I mentioned to DH that a friend's piece of jewelry was on
a show we watched and the other friend had an item on a Law and
Order. The next time Uncle Fred brought up wanting to sell the
costume jewelry DH told him my friend sells things to
productions and she might buy it.
And that's how we've come to have a box of costume jewelry at
our house with the admonishment not to "give it away" and "don't
just take anything for it." Uncle Fred says if my friend isn't
going to pay well for this he'd rather give it to someone who
appreciates it.
My friend is one of the most ethical and lovely people I know
and she'll be more than fair; Uncle Fred isn't getting anymore
money anywhere else for these items. Also, Uncle Fred doesn't
need money. I'm pretty sure whatever money he gets is going
straight to the dog track. Money aside, this is the best chance
these pieces have to get a new life and Aunt Ethel (and her
sisters) would love knowing that the pieces would be in TV
shows, movies, etc. (That's the only reason I'm even half
involved in this. I loved these ladies and feel like it honors
them.)
I'll bet that Uncle Fred probably won't be happy with the final
price and he'll complain from time to time like he did about the
dryers. Then we'll tell him that the pieces are getting a fun
new life and it was worth it and he'll agree. Then it'll come up
again in a few weeks. Alternating with all the money made off
the dryers.
Any thoughts on how you'd handle this with Uncle Fred?
#Post#: 67767--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Priceless Treasures"
By: Rain Date: June 29, 2021, 8:21 pm
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Tell him how many people will get to see them and the stories
Aunt would tell.
#Post#: 67768--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Priceless Treasures"
By: gramma dishes Date: June 29, 2021, 8:23 pm
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[quote author=PVZFan link=topic=2093.msg67764#msg67764
date=1625014041]
Any thoughts on how you'd handle this with Uncle Fred?
[/quote]
Seems to me you're doing a perfect job already! Just keep doing
what you're doing!
#Post#: 67770--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Priceless Treasures"
By: STiG Date: June 29, 2021, 8:30 pm
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Any chance Uncle Fred is in the early stages of dementia? This
is the kind of thing my Dad would do, at the beginning.
I think you are handling it fine, both the dryer and jewelry
issue. I agree with Rain that when he starts talking about how
he should have gotten more money, talk about the new life for
the jewelry and how tickled the Aunts would have been to see
them on a TV show and how pleased they would be to see the
pieces being used. Lather, rinse, repeat as often as needed.
#Post#: 67775--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Priceless Treasures"
By: Aleko Date: June 30, 2021, 3:28 am
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My MIL is very similar. She’s 92 and fraying a bit at the edges
now, but she’s only becoming more of what she’s always been;
hoarding stuff because she’s convinced it’s valuable, and her
only notions of disposing of it are:
1. Pushing it off on family members. When her schizophrenic,
shopaholic only sister finally died, with a houseful of barely
or never worn clothes, hats, shoes and handbags, DH insisted on
keeping the whole lot. She didn’t want these things for herself;
but 20 years on she still has an entire spare room crammed with
this stuff, and still occasionally tries to push items on to me:
“Look at the quality! A really top-notch label!” Yeah, like I
want clothes bought in the 1980s by a 5’2” 18-stone woman?
2. Demanding that someone else do the legwork to get a “good
price” for her second-hand things*. Her sister had inherited
most of their mother’s knickknacks, so her house was also
crammed with vintage items - hardly anything of serious value,
but much of it certainly saleable. Back then, MIL’s second
husband was still alive and they were both retired, healthy, and
able to drive. There was no reason at all why they couldn’t have
made something of a pastime of driving around the region
visiting ‘collectibles’ dealers to see who would take things off
their hands, or even selling the stuff themselves at boot fairs.
But no, MIL wanted DH and me (both working full-time with a
35-mile commute into London) to do it for her. Result: she still
has them.
* And of course her notion of “a good price” is the equivalent
of what it cost her when it was new. When she and 2nd Husband
moved to a smaller house, we had huge difficulty convincing her
that nobody would buy a couple of very faded framed prints, and
that at best a charity shop might take them. “But that print was
expensive, and so was getting it framed!” And yes of course,
forty years ago good colour prints were expensive, and if you
wanted them framed you had to take them to a framer, which still
is expensive. We just couldn’t get through to her that nowadays
you can buy a fully-framed good-quality print for your wall for
the cost of a fish-and-chip supper, and that even if her prints
were still in mint condition she still wouldn’t have been able
to make her money back on them!
So, PVZF, you’re not alone, and it sounds as though you’re doing
pretty well. Nothing is ever going to stop the broken-record
refrain of ‘my valuable stuff, sold for peanuts!’: just find a
broken-record soothing reply, trot it out consistently, and try
not to let it get to you.
And: your and DH’s mileage may vary on this, but in your
situation I would stop taking any initiative. Because DH gave
him this idea of selling the trinkets to your friend, you
(plural) are now saddled with this boxful, Uncle Fred will keep
on at you till you sell it for him, and whatever he gets for it,
it’s a racing certainty that he’ll repeatedly gripe at you for
disposing of it so foolishly cheap.
#Post#: 67777--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Priceless Treasures"
By: Soop Date: June 30, 2021, 8:09 am
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=2093.msg67775#msg67775
date=1625041723]
So, PVZF, you’re not alone, and it sounds as though you’re doing
pretty well. Nothing is ever going to stop the broken-record
refrain of ‘my valuable stuff, sold for peanuts!’: just find a
broken-record soothing reply, trot it out consistently, and try
not to let it get to you.
[/quote]
My family is having similar problems. My parents just moved to a
retirement home and my brother, sister and I are clearing out
the house that they lived in for over 50 years. There are some
things that we are sending to consignment stores, selling on FB,
etc, but my Dad thinks everything is worth money. I'm pretty
sure if it weren't for my Mom, he would have been a hoarder.
With a lot of things, we are just happy if someone wants to pick
it up for free. He's a very stubborn man, so all we can say is,
"well, do you want to deal with the stuff" (he can no longer
drive and physically can't do much)? He huffs and puffs and
changes the subject. And it's not like he needs the money. They
just got a hefty price for the paid off house. Luckily, my Mom
thinks like us and is helping talk him down.
#Post#: 67789--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Priceless Treasures"
By: BeagleMommy Date: June 30, 2021, 11:04 am
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My late FIL was like this. He didn't believe in giving things
to charity. He wanted to give it to family because "they'll use
it".
When MIL passed he made a big deal about her jewelry.
BeagleDaddy gave me the pieces that meant the most to his mom
(beautiful pieces like her pearls and her pins) and other
relatives took other pieces but there was still a lot of
inexpensive costume stuff left over. FIL wanted me to take her
clothes or give them to my mom. Mom and I wear the same size
(US 14). MIL wore between a US size 20-22 so everything was too
big. Her style wasn't my or mom's style either.
So the stuff sat until FIL passed. Everything went to charity.
I think you are doing all you can.
#Post#: 67794--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Priceless Treasures"
By: Aleko Date: June 30, 2021, 11:41 am
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UK-based Brimstoners dealing with this issue might find it
useful to know that the Alzheimer’s Society will on request send
a free post-paid Jiffy bag for unwanted costume jewellery. The
items are examined by expert jewellers (who give their services
free) who identify the age, materials and origin of the pieces -
if anything is rare and valuable it won’t get sold for peanuts.
(I know this because I used occasionally to drop into a little
old-fashioned jeweller’s shop in London SW1, where the little
old-fashioned owner, who had been in the business nearly 60
years, was the Society’s star sorter.
#Post#: 67799--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Priceless Treasures"
By: NFPwife Date: June 30, 2021, 3:01 pm
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Thank you all for the validation and support. We'll stick with
the lather, rinse, repeat.
To the question about this being an early sign of dementia, he's
always had tendencies in this direction, but I'm definitely
keeping an eye on it.
Aleko, you make a good point about inserting ourselves in this.
DH and I will likely be cleaning out this house at some point so
we like helping to get things done now. I was motioning to DH
not to tell him about my friend and the costume jewelry, but I
know these pieces won't end up in a landfill and can have neat
new chapter in their story. We're landed at not offering and
just supporting if Uncle Fred asks for help.
#Post#: 67807--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Priceless Treasures"
By: Mrs Rat Date: June 30, 2021, 4:10 pm
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This sounds like my dad too, he had frontal lobe damage due to
MS.
Dad had successful surgery on the left side of his face for
fibromyalgia. Then he developed the same pain on the right side
of his face about 13 years later. I went with him to his
specialist appointment where she explained that although the
pain felt the same the cause was different. Beforehand two
nerves were touching and they put a wedge between to separate
them. This time there was demyelination of the nerve so an
operation was essentially pointless and risky, instead he would
be better on medication. Dad was fine for about a week then he
went back to being upset about not being allowed to have the
surgery. I managed to remind him of the situation which calmed
him for a few weeks, rinse & repeat.
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