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#Post#: 67586--------------------------------------------------
Dealing with a flake
By: Despedina Date: June 22, 2021, 11:05 am
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So I work with a lady we'll call Sally. Sally and I have many of
the same interests (hiking, camping, kayaking). We often talk
about things we'd like to do. We have even gone kayaking
together, with a few other friends once (she planned it).
Recently I realized that Sally is a major flake and I'm no
longer going to plan things with her. The most recent was
supposed to happen this last Saturday. Before the end of May
Sally was lamenting the fact that her husband doesn't like to do
anything in these interest areas and she's often alone in doing
them. She also mentioned she really wanted to go to a state
park I'll call "Faraway Park" as its about 1.5 hr drive from
her. I suggested we go hiking at Faraway park so she could
finally see it. I even volunteered to drive since I've been
there many times. She was thrilled and was super excited. We
also invited another co-worker (Wanda) since Wanda had mentioned
she just bought some new hiking boots and was dying to get
outdoors. We all made plans on lunch, hiking routes etc in the
following weeks.
Wednesday evening before we were to leave she told me in a
message "Yeah, I'm not going Saturday". I was just like
"Seriously? We made plans". She goes on to tell me she just
planned a big activity for Mon/Tues, and was taking off
Mon/Tues and wanted to get in the mindset for that trip. I was
speechless. She goes on to tell me how exciting the new trip was
going to be with her other friend that she planned it with. She
went on and on. I finally said "Well I'll try to be more
interesting next time". I couldn't help it, I was pretty hurt,
and the trip was pretty much planned with her in mind. I think
this was all lost on her as she responded with "LOL". She didn't
say she was sorry or anything. This is actually the 3rd time
she's flaked on me, but probably the most significant. The other
2 times I was camping and she said she was wanting to come out
for the day and I would tell her directions/site # etc and she'd
cancel the day before. I've now decided that I don't want to
plan things with her for a while. She mentioned on Friday before
leaving for the day that she really wanted to plan X, Y, and Z
with me and Wanda this summer. I didn't respond.
I guess I should have seen this coming. About a week ago she
almost bragged to me that she doesn't like to make reservations
places (campgrounds etc) because she doesn't like to commit to
going. I got a feeling at that point that she was going to
cancel on me and of course, she did. I'm not sure how to
respond to her asking about making future plans. It was pretty
hurtful that she cancelled and pretty much gave lame reasons as
to why (not that I needed an explanation, she volunteered it and
made it worse).
#Post#: 67593--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with a flake
By: Isisnin Date: June 22, 2021, 12:21 pm
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Should she ask again, just say "No, thank you.". No need for an
explanation. Is she presses you for one, just say "Kind of you,
but no thank you."; "Appreciate you asking me but no thank
you."; etc.
I actually did that to someone who treated me badly. When I
would give them cold shoulder due to their treatment of me, they
would then treat me decently. I would then treat them decently
and we would have a nice relationship. After a while, they would
"slip" and treat me badly. I would cold shoulder them, they
would be nice, we would be back to a good relationship.
Eventually they completely stopped treating me badly and we
stayed on a good relationship.
On the other hand, you could accept and then cancel late like
she does. Not etiquette approved to intentionally accept an
invitation and then cancel it, but it would be interesting to
see how she responds. And maybe she would learn for the better.
#Post#: 67594--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with a flake
By: Dazi Date: June 22, 2021, 12:32 pm
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Stop inviting her to things. If she wants to spend time with
you, she can do the inviting and all the planning. Stop
stressing yourself out over her non-commitment. Also, you and
your other friend go as you planned and change whatever you may
feel like since Sally isn't coming.
#Post#: 67596--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with a flake
By: Rose Red Date: June 22, 2021, 1:42 pm
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I hope you and Wanda still had a good time.
I know you're not inviting her to future events, but if she
tries to include herself, just tell her no since she cancelled
on you at the last minute 3 times already which was hurtful and
inconsiderate. Unless she's the type who will make fun of you
for being honest. In that case, just a simple no.
#Post#: 67599--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with a flake
By: Hmmm Date: June 22, 2021, 2:18 pm
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That is terrible that she acted this way. I do hope you and
Wanda went anyway.
If she suggests future activities, I'd probably be direct and
say that you are the type that likes to make definitive plans
and having last minute cancellations just doesn't work for you.
You can also say that if she wants to make the arrangements for
an activity and the timing works for you, you may join.
Hopefully Wanda enjoyed breaking in her hiking shoes and will be
a more reliable participant.
#Post#: 67609--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with a flake
By: lakey Date: June 22, 2021, 4:03 pm
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I agree with HMMM. This woman needs to be told the truth. Also,
her explanation for canceling was really insulting.
#Post#: 67610--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with a flake
By: Despedina Date: June 22, 2021, 4:43 pm
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Thanks for the replies. Wanda and I changed direction and hiked
somewhere closer. I was irked because I was planning on taking
her further away than I normally would and I felt it was 'big
plans". Wanda asked why she would cancel like that when it was
for her benefit. I don't have an answer. I think its completely
lost on Sally that I was trying to do something nice for her
specifically. She treated it like something she was just tagging
along to.
I was later thinking of all the times Sally complains that her
sisters don't invite her to things. I was wondering if this is
something she does to everyone, and her sisters have stopped
inviting her places.
It just seems she's pretty non-chalant and doesn't understand
that its important to someone that she show up. On the one
kayaking trip we did last Aug, which she planned, we showed up
to her campsite to get her about 20 minutes before we were
supposed to meet the shuttle. She had just crawled out of bed
and was in pjs and didn't have anything ready to go for a
day-long trip. She just kept messing around and saying she
wanted to chill out a bit before going. Finally Wanda, my sister
and I all got in the car and told her we really wanted to be on
time and we hoped to see her at the shuttle pickup. She did get
there by the skin of her teeth. I truly believe she thinks they
would have waited for her indefinitely.
#Post#: 67611--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with a flake
By: sandisadie Date: June 22, 2021, 6:00 pm
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My late husband had a daughter who I knew from her late teen
years until she was in her middle 40s. We've lost contact now.
She has always been flaky. It was finally determined by doctors
that she had a mental problem that she was born with. She was
normal in many ways. She went to school, held jobs, marriage
(quite a few times) and had several children whom she raised
into adulthood. She could not be depended on to behave like you
would expect someone to behave in just about any situation. She
admitted to flakiness but did nothing to change her ways. Most
of the time it was trying to be around her for any length of
time. It seemed like we were always bailing her out of a bad
situation. By the time she had been diagnosed I was mostly out
of her life. Perhaps your co-worker can't help herself for
behaving toward you the way she does.
#Post#: 67614--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with a flake
By: STiG Date: June 22, 2021, 9:02 pm
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I do not think this is the case with Sally, at all, but some
people are flakey for medical reasons. When you are chronically
ill, sometimes you just don't have the spoons for a planned
outing and end up bailing somewhat last minute, when you aren't
ready for everyone to know your condition.
My closest friends now know that I will sometimes have to bail
out of plans if I'm not feeling up to it. Though most of the
time, I compensate by trying to be uber organized ahead of time
and rest more in the day or days before a planned outing. And
sometimes, when it doesn't matter in terms of head count, I will
tentatively accept an invitation and let them know the day
before if I'm going to be able to make it.
#Post#: 67617--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with a flake
By: Aleko Date: June 23, 2021, 2:17 am
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[quote]On the other hand, you could accept and then cancel late
like she does. Not etiquette approved to intentionally accept an
invitation and then cancel it, but it would be interesting to
see how she responds. And maybe she would learn for the
better.[/quote]
I doubt very much indeed that she would. People who mess others
around like that do so because they feel entitled to. If those
others in turn mess her about, it’s an outrage. How dare they!
Far better to just stop inviting her on trips. And my feeling is
that in a case like this the usual rule about not inviting or
discussing an invitation in front of someone who’s not invited
doesn’t apply. If she whines ‘why aren’t I invited?’, say
‘Because you’ve accepted and cried off too often.’ If she says
‘Ooh, can I come too?’, you could, if you felt inclined, say ‘If
you make all your own arrangements for accommodation and
transport, and turn up on time, we’ll be happy to have your
company.’
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