DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Weddings
*****************************************************
#Post#: 70057--------------------------------------------------
Re: Plus One
By: Gellchom Date: September 14, 2021, 4:10 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=guihong link=topic=2076.msg70035#msg70035
date=1631603747]
I attended a close friend's wedding with another mutual friend,
as neither of us had a "Plus 1" at the time. Though now
thinking of it, that was less about being "plus 1" with each
other than it just made more sense for us to travel together (we
lived in OH, wedding was in NY).
[/quote]
But if I understand correctly, you were both invited guests, is
that right?
I don’t think that’s a “plus one” situation. I think it means
when an invited guest is told they may bring an escort.
I don’t think it makes you each other’s dates, either. Lots of
people attend weddings with others who aren’t SOs or dates.
Families, groups of friends, the office gang, etc.
#Post#: 70107--------------------------------------------------
Re: Plus One
By: DaDancingPsych Date: September 15, 2021, 8:48 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Gellchom link=topic=2076.msg70057#msg70057
date=1631653815]
[quote author=guihong link=topic=2076.msg70035#msg70035
date=1631603747]
I attended a close friend's wedding with another mutual friend,
as neither of us had a "Plus 1" at the time. Though now
thinking of it, that was less about being "plus 1" with each
other than it just made more sense for us to travel together (we
lived in OH, wedding was in NY).
[/quote]
But if I understand correctly, you were both invited guests, is
that right?
I don’t think that’s a “plus one” situation. I think it means
when an invited guest is told they may bring an escort.
I don’t think it makes you each other’s dates, either. Lots of
people attend weddings with others who aren’t SOs or dates.
Families, groups of friends, the office gang, etc.
[/quote]
My understanding is that neither RSVP with a "plus one". Despite
being invited separately, they basically acted as each other's
"date". But I do agree that there are many situations where you
may not need a date because the other guests are people who you
can socialize with. I will say that weddings tend to be very
couples oriented. I, as a single, have sat alone at a number of
weddings because there was no one to waltz me around the dance
floor. It's a nice option when provided.
#Post#: 70204--------------------------------------------------
Re: Plus One
By: Winterlight Date: September 18, 2021, 7:25 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I think it's nice to provide a plus-one if you can, or at least
make sure the person you're inviting is seated with someone they
know if you can't. Sticking a shy guest with a bunch of couples,
all strangers to them, can be pretty awkward.
I went to a wedding without a plus-one a number of years ago,
and was seated at dinner at a kind of "single guest" table. A
friend of both me and the bride was there with me, and she told
me later it made her feel better to have someone familiar with
her. Other guests at our table included a mother and daughter,
and neither of them had plus-ones either.
#Post#: 70312--------------------------------------------------
Re: Plus One
By: DaDancingPsych Date: September 22, 2021, 6:35 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Winterlight, that is such a solid point. My enjoyment at a
wedding really comes down to where I am seated.
I was at a wedding where I knew no one other than the groom and
no option of a plus one. I was seated at table of two (maybe
three) couples and one other gal. The couples must have known
each other as they had no interest in speaking with us (hence
why I can't even remember how many there were!) The other gal
was the girlfriend to one of the groomsmen. Dinner was lovely
speaking with her. However, when the dancing started, I found
myself alone at the table for what felt like a half hour. I did
get up to dance a few line dances, but when no one seemed
available to couples/slow dance, I left early. I had an hour's
drive and why would I hang at a wedding that I was mildly
enjoying.
However, I attended another wedding where it was all couples and
me shoved into the table. Again, no offer for a plus one. I did
have a very good friend as one of those couples, but everyone
was engaging and chatting. I was invited to dance by several
people and maybe it was just by chance, but I never sat alone.
I'm not afraid to take initiative and approach people to
socialize or even dance, but sometimes it can be challenging
when others are not open to a "stranger". I will also say that
it appears that the etiquette of dancing with others not your
date (or spouse) has disappeared. I would never dare to ask for
more than one dance from someone's date, but it's not common for
other people to come up to ask me to dance. I don't even see
many couples swapping... it's rather sad.
#Post#: 70353--------------------------------------------------
Re: Plus One
By: LifeOnPluto Date: September 25, 2021, 2:42 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Winterlight link=topic=2076.msg70204#msg70204
date=1632011144]
I think it's nice to provide a plus-one if you can, or at least
make sure the person you're inviting is seated with someone they
know if you can't. Sticking a shy guest with a bunch of couples,
all strangers to them, can be pretty awkward.
I went to a wedding without a plus-one a number of years ago,
and was seated at dinner at a kind of "single guest" table. A
friend of both me and the bride was there with me, and she told
me later it made her feel better to have someone familiar with
her. Other guests at our table included a mother and daughter,
and neither of them had plus-ones either.
[/quote]
Yep. I would also add, if you're part of a couple at such a
table, it would be a great kindness* to include the single
person in your conversation, and make sure they're not left out.
(*There is an argument that it's actually not a "great kindness"
but part of one's overall basic responsibility to be a decent
guest and help the social event go smoothly. I appreciate
opinions on this may differ, however.)
[quote author=DaDancingPsych link=topic=2076.msg70312#msg70312
date=1632353752]
I'm not afraid to take initiative and approach people to
socialize or even dance, but sometimes it can be challenging
when others are not open to a "stranger". I will also say that
it appears that the etiquette of dancing with others not your
date (or spouse) has disappeared. I would never dare to ask for
more than one dance from someone's date, but it's not common for
other people to come up to ask me to dance. I don't even see
many couples swapping... it's rather sad.
[/quote]
I remember there were a few threads on the old boards about
this. 'Is it rude to dance with someone who is not your
spouse/partner'? I recall opinions were mixed, but one thing
that came through strongly was that the 'norm' has changed on
this. That is, decades ago, it was the norm to dance with people
who weren't your spouse/partner (and it was actually seen as
somewhat impolite to refuse others - barring any extreme
circumstances). Nowadays however, the pendulum seems to have
swung the other way - lots of people seem to now feel
uncomfortable with their spouse/partner dancing with others.
#Post#: 70358--------------------------------------------------
Re: Plus One
By: Gellchom Date: September 25, 2021, 6:28 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=2076.msg70353#msg70353
date=1632555738]
[quote author=Winterlight link=topic=2076.msg70204#msg70204
date=1632011144]
I think it's nice to provide a plus-one if you can, or at least
make sure the person you're inviting is seated with someone they
know if you can't. Sticking a shy guest with a bunch of couples,
all strangers to them, can be pretty awkward.
I went to a wedding without a plus-one a number of years ago,
and was seated at dinner at a kind of "single guest" table. A
friend of both me and the bride was there with me, and she told
me later it made her feel better to have someone familiar with
her. Other guests at our table included a mother and daughter,
and neither of them had plus-on
Yep. I would also add, if you're part of a couple at such a
table, it would be a great kindness* to include the single
person in your conversation, and make sure they're not left out.
(*There is an argument that it's actually not a "great kindness"
but part of one's overall basic responsibility to be a decent
guest and help the social event go smoothly. I appreciate
opinions on this may differ, however.)
[/quote]
I don’t understand how anyone could have a different opinion
about the bolded. It’s not just helping your hosts have a
smooth event. It’s just super rude to ignore someone seated at
your table, the same as it would be at a dinner party where some
people know each other and some are new. You may not already be
a social group, but you’re not random customers at a diner
counter or on a date with your escort or group of friends,
either. You’re all there, together, as guests of your hosts at
a meal they are hosting. A table at a wedding reception, even a
“miscellaneous” one, is a social group for the duration of the
meal, the same as any dinner party.
Note: I stress that I am talking about receptions where the
hosts have assigned the seating, not open seating where people
just grab seats wherever they find room and perhaps don’t stay
there all evening, although even then I think it’s minimally
polite to at least introduce yourself and chat a little rather
than completely ignore others, especially someone alone.
If the table is very big, the centerpiece high, and the music
loud, I don’t think you have to make a point of shouting to the
people all the way on the other side all night. But at some
point you should at least introduce yourself to them. And you
should converse with those who are seated near enough to do so,
not just the people you already know.
And that goes for the singles and “outsider” couples, too, not
just the couples and groups they are seated with; it might be
more of a challenge, and you don’t have to be the life of the
party, but everyone has the duty to be polite and a social
giver, not just a taker.
I’m sorry to hear that there are people whose “opinions differ”
and don’t consider ignoring their table mates terribly rude. I
hope I misunderstood!
#Post#: 70373--------------------------------------------------
Re: Plus One
By: LifeOnPluto Date: September 26, 2021, 1:09 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Gellchom link=topic=2076.msg70358#msg70358
date=1632569304]
[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=2076.msg70353#msg70353
date=1632555738]
[quote author=Winterlight link=topic=2076.msg70204#msg70204
date=1632011144]
I think it's nice to provide a plus-one if you can, or at least
make sure the person you're inviting is seated with someone they
know if you can't. Sticking a shy guest with a bunch of couples,
all strangers to them, can be pretty awkward.
I went to a wedding without a plus-one a number of years ago,
and was seated at dinner at a kind of "single guest" table. A
friend of both me and the bride was there with me, and she told
me later it made her feel better to have someone familiar with
her. Other guests at our table included a mother and daughter,
and neither of them had plus-on
Yep. I would also add, if you're part of a couple at such a
table, it would be a great kindness* to include the single
person in your conversation, and make sure they're not left out.
(*There is an argument that it's actually not a "great kindness"
but part of one's overall basic responsibility to be a decent
guest and help the social event go smoothly. I appreciate
opinions on this may differ, however.)
[/quote]
I don’t understand how anyone could have a different opinion
about the bolded. It’s not just helping your hosts have a
smooth event. It’s just super rude to ignore someone seated at
your table, the same as it would be at a dinner party where some
people know each other and some are new. You may not already be
a social group, but you’re not random customers at a diner
counter or on a date with your escort or group of friends,
either. You’re all there, together, as guests of your hosts at
a meal they are hosting. A table at a wedding reception, even a
“miscellaneous” one, is a social group for the duration of the
meal, the same as any dinner party.
Note: I stress that I am talking about receptions where the
hosts have assigned the seating, not open seating where people
just grab seats wherever they find room and perhaps don’t stay
there all evening, although even then I think it’s minimally
polite to at least introduce yourself and chat a little rather
than completely ignore others, especially someone alone.
If the table is very big, the centerpiece high, and the music
loud, I don’t think you have to make a point of shouting to the
people all the way on the other side all night. But at some
point you should at least introduce yourself to them. And you
should converse with those who are seated near enough to do so,
not just the people you already know.
And that goes for the singles and “outsider” couples, too, not
just the couples and groups they are seated with; it might be
more of a challenge, and you don’t have to be the life of the
party, but everyone has the duty to be polite and a social
giver, not just a taker.
I’m sorry to hear that there are people whose “opinions differ”
and don’t consider ignoring their table mates terribly rude. I
hope I misunderstood!
[/quote]
Gellchom, I completely agree! However, I remember at least one
thread on the old boards regarding this issue. A surprising
number of posters thought it was *not* rude to not want to
socialise with "outsiders". I recall the rationale was something
like: "At weddings my priority is catching-up with my family and
friends (who I might only rarely get to see) and creating
memories with them. Why should I be obliged to go out of my way
to spend time making general chit-chat with complete strangers?"
Mind you, I can't recall if the wedding described in the old
thread might have been one that didn't have assigned seating. So
perhaps the attitude is less egregious.
#Post#: 70374--------------------------------------------------
Re: Plus One
By: Gellchom Date: September 26, 2021, 4:30 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=2076.msg70373#msg70373
date=1632636594]
[quote author=Gellchom link=topic=2076.msg70358#msg70358
date=1632569304]
[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=2076.msg70353#msg70353
date=1632555738]
[quote author=Winterlight link=topic=2076.msg70204#msg70204
date=1632011144]
I think it's nice to provide a plus-one if you can, or at least
make sure the person you're inviting is seated with someone they
know if you can't. Sticking a shy guest with a bunch of couples,
all strangers to them, can be pretty awkward.
I went to a wedding without a plus-one a number of years ago,
and was seated at dinner at a kind of "single guest" table. A
friend of both me and the bride was there with me, and she told
me later it made her feel better to have someone familiar with
her. Other guests at our table included a mother and daughter,
and neither of them had plus-on
Yep. I would also add, if you're part of a couple at such a
table, it would be a great kindness* to include the single
person in your conversation, and make sure they're not left out.
(*There is an argument that it's actually not a "great kindness"
but part of one's overall basic responsibility to be a decent
guest and help the social event go smoothly. I appreciate
opinions on this may differ, however.)
[/quote]
I don’t understand how anyone could have a different opinion
about the bolded. It’s not just helping your hosts have a
smooth event. It’s just super rude to ignore someone seated at
your table, the same as it would be at a dinner party where some
people know each other and some are new. You may not already be
a social group, but you’re not random customers at a diner
counter or on a date with your escort or group of friends,
either. You’re all there, together, as guests of your hosts at
a meal they are hosting. A table at a wedding reception, even a
“miscellaneous” one, is a social group for the duration of the
meal, the same as any dinner party.
Note: I stress that I am talking about receptions where the
hosts have assigned the seating, not open seating where people
just grab seats wherever they find room and perhaps don’t stay
there all evening, although even then I think it’s minimally
polite to at least introduce yourself and chat a little rather
than completely ignore others, especially someone alone.
If the table is very big, the centerpiece high, and the music
loud, I don’t think you have to make a point of shouting to the
people all the way on the other side all night. But at some
point you should at least introduce yourself to them. And you
should converse with those who are seated near enough to do so,
not just the people you already know.
And that goes for the singles and “outsider” couples, too, not
just the couples and groups they are seated with; it might be
more of a challenge, and you don’t have to be the life of the
party, but everyone has the duty to be polite and a social
giver, not just a taker.
I’m sorry to hear that there are people whose “opinions differ”
and don’t consider ignoring their table mates terribly rude. I
hope I misunderstood!
[/quote]
Gellchom, I completely agree! However, I remember at least one
thread on the old boards regarding this issue. A surprising
number of posters thought it was *not* rude to not want to
socialise with "outsiders". I recall the rationale was something
like: "At weddings my priority is catching-up with my family and
friends (who I might only rarely get to see) and creating
memories with them. Why should I be obliged to go out of my way
to spend time making general chit-chat with complete strangers?"
Mind you, I can't recall if the wedding described in the old
thread might have been one that didn't have assigned seating. So
perhaps the attitude is less egregious.
[/quote]
Welll, I understand their feeling, too. But there is an awfully
wide gap between spending all or even most of your time
conversing with strangers rather than loved ones you rarely see
on the one hand, and utterly ignoring people
n the other hand. And there is a difference between what you do
during the rest of the reception and for that matter sometimes
the rest of the weekend, and what you do when you are seated for
dinner with a small group of people.
I can see how someone might still feel kind of bored and lonely
if, even after some satisfactory amount of small talk with the
strangers, the “insider” people then turned their attention to,
say, their cousins, or some of the table gets up to dance.
Careful table planning by the hosts helps a lot (yet another
reason to assign tables). But it might not be possible to have
a perfect balance that fits everyone’s needs maximally, just
like SOMEONE has to be seated in the back/by the speakers/with
Cousin Boring, so we all have to be both considerate and
understanding of others.
#Post#: 70391--------------------------------------------------
Re: Plus One
By: DaDancingPsych Date: September 27, 2021, 7:51 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I do think that when seated at a table (whether assigned or
self-seated) that we have a social contract to socialize with
the others at the table. There's no reason that you can't also
chat with those that you do know, but it's important to ensure
that everyone is included in some way. (I even make it a point
to talk with children, as this is how they learn to behave,
too.) Since I am typically the single person in these
situations, I do not expect everyone to forgo their entire meal
to entertain me. I know how to sit quietly and just enjoy the
atmosphere for a few minutes. I also don't leave the
responsibility all on others. In fact, I am often the person who
starts the conversation and introduces myself.
Also I think that there is some responsibility on the hosts to
ensure that all of their guests are comfortable and having a
pleasant time. However, weddings do make that difficult. If the
parents are hosting, they are often trying to enjoy the evening
AND tend to family and such. Although I have definitely had a
father of the bride (or the like) approach me and chat for a
bit. When the wedding is hosted by the HC (which seems to be
happening more and more), it is almost impossible. So, I think
as guests we have to take on a bit of responsibility. I have
definitely approached people who I thought looked alone to
socialize a bit (and had the same done for me.) Yes, weddings
are a time to catch up with family and shouldn't feel like a
job, but if we all take a moment to mingle, then everyone feels
included. And again, as a typically single, I think it's my
responsibility to initiate socialization, too. I think that this
should happen at most types of parties... it's also what makes
them fun.
#Post#: 70395--------------------------------------------------
Re: Plus One
By: Gellchom Date: September 27, 2021, 8:19 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=DaDancingPsych link=topic=2076.msg70391#msg70391
date=1632747085]
I do think that when seated at a table (whether assigned or
self-seated) that we have a social contract to socialize with
the others at the table. There's no reason that you can't also
chat with those that you do know, but it's important to ensure
that everyone is included in some way. (I even make it a point
to talk with children, as this is how they learn to behave,
too.) Since I am typically the single person in these
situations, I do not expect everyone to forgo their entire meal
to entertain me. I know how to sit quietly and just enjoy the
atmosphere for a few minutes. I also don't leave the
responsibility all on others. In fact, I am often the person who
starts the conversation and introduces myself.
Also I think that there is some responsibility on the hosts to
ensure that all of their guests are comfortable and having a
pleasant time. However, weddings do make that difficult. If the
parents are hosting, they are often trying to enjoy the evening
AND tend to family and such. Although I have definitely had a
father of the bride (or the like) approach me and chat for a
bit. When the wedding is hosted by the HC (which seems to be
happening more and more), it is almost impossible. So, I think
as guests we have to take on a bit of responsibility. I have
definitely approached people who I thought looked alone to
socialize a bit (and had the same done for me.) Yes, weddings
are a time to catch up with family and shouldn't feel like a
job, but if we all take a moment to mingle, then everyone feels
included. And again, as a typically single, I think it's my
responsibility to initiate socialization, too. I think that this
should happen at most types of parties... it's also what makes
them fun.
[/quote]
DaDancingPsych, you are a jewel of a guest. I am totally
inviting you to everything I do from now on!
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page