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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 67146--------------------------------------------------
We’re visiting, this day- be there!
By: Andi_3k Date: June 7, 2021, 10:20 am
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My cousins live in PA, I live in NYS - they moved, I live in the
home I’ve since 1974. This morning my cousin texted me that she
and her sister were discussing visiting on the weekend. I
responded with “I am not home weekends” and she’s insisting
they will be here on the weekend as “ That’s the only time
Jessie can come “
Jessie is raising her grandkid and is expecting free
babysitting while here, so they can visit- Ihavd told her
repeatedly i am not going to be there and no, that it’s not
possible for me to babysit. She is refusing to visit anytime
other than when it’s LEAST convenient for us.
I am feeling really put out that they feel they can dictate my
weekend like that and expect complete compliance- help?
#Post#: 67147--------------------------------------------------
Re: We’re visiting, this day- be there!
By: Jem Date: June 7, 2021, 10:25 am
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I would just tell her that you are not going to be home. They
can visit your area, but it they want you to be involved in
their visit they will have to come another time. They can only
dictate your weekend if you allow them to....so don't allow them
to!
#Post#: 67148--------------------------------------------------
Re: We’re visiting, this day- be there!
By: Aleko Date: June 7, 2021, 10:49 am
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In your place I would simply repeat one last time, by text to
both of them, ‘I’m telling you once again: I AM NOT HERE AT
WEEKENDS. Do NOT pole up this weekend, because I WILL BE OUT’.
Then I’d make d*mn sure I was indeed out all weekend. In fact if
I had a friend living nearby who was close enough for me to ask
that kind of favour, I might ask if I could stay overnight on
the Saturday, in case I came home in the evening to find them
camping on my doorstep. Or stay in a hotel, if I could afford
it.
With people so blithely convinced that they can successfully
demand your hospitality even when you have explicitly refused it
(and then not even spend the time socialising with you, but
instead parking the baby on you so they can have a good time
without you), argument is futile. Only the experience of turning
up in the full expectation of barging into your house and
imposing on you, and finding it locked and empty so they are
obliged to either turn round and go home or pay for a hotel,
will shock them into the realisation that no, they can’t.
#Post#: 67149--------------------------------------------------
Re: We’re visiting, this day- be there!
By: sandisadie Date: June 7, 2021, 10:51 am
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No is a whole sentence. If you do tell them that they can't
visit you on the weekend and they turn up anyway either pretend
you aren't home or answer the door and tell them they can't come
in because you are on your way out. People can't walk all over
you if you don't lay down and allow it. Sometimes it's ok to be
rude (from the other person's point of view). Never mind that
THEY are actually the rude ones!! I've been a doormat before in
my life too. And it's so liberating when you realize that you
don't have to be. Stand your ground and let the cards fall as
they may, as my mother used to say.
#Post#: 67150--------------------------------------------------
Re: We’re visiting, this day- be there!
By: Hmmm Date: June 7, 2021, 10:54 am
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All this requires is a "Let me know where you'll be staying and
I'll see if I can drop by for a short visit. Otherwise, I'll
miss seeing you guys but enjoy your weekend here." If you get a
reply of "but we are staying with you" all you need to do "No.
That is not possible. As I said, the weekends are not a
convenient time to visit me. Happy to have you during the week
but the weekends are out."
Or is there some other dynamic going on that they assume your
home is a "family" home that anyone can just come and stay at
will?
She can keep texting saying she wants to come on the weekends
and you can respond one more time no and then ignore the rest.
#Post#: 67157--------------------------------------------------
Re: We’re visiting, this day- be there!
By: BeagleMommy Date: June 7, 2021, 1:12 pm
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I would send both of them a text saying "As I said in my
previous texts/emails, I am not home on weekends. Next time,
give me more notice and I might be able to be home."
If they show up and you're not home; too bad. You told them.
If they insist they were planning to stay with you, send them a
listing of local hotels.
#Post#: 67161--------------------------------------------------
Re: We’re visiting, this day- be there!
By: Rose Red Date: June 7, 2021, 1:29 pm
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If you are home, don't answer the door.
#Post#: 67166--------------------------------------------------
Re: We’re visiting, this day- be there!
By: Andi_3k Date: June 7, 2021, 4:52 pm
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."
Or is there some other dynamic going on that they assume your
home is a "family" home that anyone can just come and stay at
will?
She can keep texting saying she wants to come on the weekends
and you can respond one more time no and then ignore the rest.
[/quote]
She’s been doted on zinc she moved away when I was in middle
school- sh comes in th rest of the family dropped everything to
se her. I’ve always hated that but now that I am working full
time again I am not willing to give up my time with friends for
someone I see one every few years and hear from only if I
initiate contact— sh wants to see my mom and only wants me there
as a baby sitter.
In the 40 years she’s lived out of the state we all grew up
in I have never even been invited to visit- even when I was
visiting friend 20 miles from her. But she feels entitled to
dictate because most of the family allows it
#Post#: 67172--------------------------------------------------
Re: We’re visiting, this day- be there!
By: Luci Date: June 7, 2021, 10:34 pm
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If you are not home, just don’t be there. Don’t leave a note and
tell any neighbor with a key not to give it to them or admit
they have one. Your home is to use for you, not to let others
use it if you don’t want them to. I would not respond about the
subject in any way.
#Post#: 67173--------------------------------------------------
Re: We’re visiting, this day- be there!
By: Aleko Date: June 8, 2021, 2:10 am
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[quote]sh wants to see my mom and only wants me there as a baby
sitter. [/quote]
As other family members are likely to get involved in this, when
they either stay home and complain that ‘we can’t come and see
you because Andi_3k is being so mean to us!’ or turn up and
complain that ‘we arranged to stay with Andi_3k but she wasn’t
at home/wouldn’t answer the door!’, it’s vital that you have
evidence that you told them no and gave them reasons. You may
still get stick from the rest of the family for selfishly not
allowing them to make use of you, but at least you can prove
that you told them you couldn’t handle a visit - that you didn’t
them to understand their stay was all arranged and then either
maliciously or carelessly drop them in it. You may need such
proof, because many people with this degree of entitlement are
capable of making and believing accusations like that; and
precisely because their claims are so outrageous, third parties
often feel ‘It must be true; nobody would make such a thing up’.
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