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#Post#: 67085--------------------------------------------------
I'm done
By: Rain Date: June 5, 2021, 8:35 pm
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Hubby is enmeshed with his deceased 1st wife's parents.
I'm not up to going into details, but he really messed up
recently at my mom's funeral.
What would be a good way to tell him he either gets counciling
inorder to become emotionally health or...?
#Post#: 67088--------------------------------------------------
Re: I'm done
By: Nikko-chan Date: June 5, 2021, 8:45 pm
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Sit him down. "What you did at my mothers funeral was
unacceptable." If he plays dumb, "[Succinct explanation of
exactly what he did]" "You are quite close with first wifes
parents [gives examples of situations] and you need counseling.
If you won't get counseling [consequence here]" (whether that
consequence is you take a break to reevaluate or you get a
divorce, what have you.) You also might want to explain if
applicable that you dont feel valued and you havent for awhile
etc.
#Post#: 67102--------------------------------------------------
Re: I'm done
By: jpcher Date: June 6, 2021, 9:10 am
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I agree that a sit-down is in order. When (not IF) this happens
be strong and do not skirt the issues.
I know you said you didn't want to go into details but is this a
first/second time occurrence or has the issue been a long time
suffering for you?
If it's a one-off then state your feelings in a kind way.
If it's a long time suffering then bring up the ultimatum and
make sure that you're strong enough to enforce your stance and
stand by the decision. Do not let him flounder and offer
insincere apologies. Follow up with his choice of going to
counseling or your choice of filing for divorce.
Many years ago my LDH decided to stay home and have the
traditional Tgiving dinner with his family instead of going to
my grandfather's memorial service (4-hour drive away, spend the
night with my family). It hurt. It hurt me big. He knew that I
was close to my grandfather and I did not understand why he
couldn't be there for me.
When I came home he was all over apologetic. I believed him to
be sincere. We talked about his reasons for not attending and I
explained how much his support meant to me. I told him that I
thought he was selfish. In the end he agreed. Things were better
from there on.
Just a story about how things can be worked out. Not knowing
your background, I'm hoping that a good conversation could
possibly turn into a happy ending.
If not? Be strong. I'm on your side.
#Post#: 67109--------------------------------------------------
Re: I'm done
By: Rain Date: June 6, 2021, 1:23 pm
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Been a long time, things were better....
My hard line is that he get counseling to become emotionally and
mentally healthy....
#Post#: 67116--------------------------------------------------
Re: I'm done
By: Rain Date: June 6, 2021, 8:45 pm
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He said that they didn't tell him
#Post#: 67128--------------------------------------------------
Re: I'm done
By: Jem Date: June 7, 2021, 7:57 am
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Without a better understanding of what happened it is somewhat
difficult to advise, but I agree with the previous posters. It
isn't necessarily bad or strange for your husband to still be in
contact with his deceased wife's parents, especially if they
have children, but from the little information you have provided
I get the sense this is a different situation?
I don't think it would be fair for you to demand that he have no
contact with his former inlaws (unless there is something I am
missing) but it sounds like there is more to the story. I agree
that it makes sense to have a face to face planned sit down with
your husband to talk through the issues.
If it were me, I would ask your husband to set aside some time
without distractions and set some ground rules. I would write
out at least bullet points of what I want to express and the
rules would be that I get to say what I want to say without
interruption, and then my husband gets to say what he wants to
say without interruption.
I think it is important, if the goal is a smooth relationship
going forward, to not attack or ambush your husband. I suspect
that he does not grasp that his relationship with his former
inlaws is hurting you to the extent that it is. The goal of the
sitdown would be mutual understanding, not a "win" for either of
you.
#Post#: 67129--------------------------------------------------
Re: I'm done
By: Hmmm Date: June 7, 2021, 8:07 am
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[quote author=Rain link=topic=2067.msg67109#msg67109
date=1623003824]
Been a long time, things were better....
My hard line is that he get counseling to become emotionally and
mentally healthy....
[/quote]
I agree with others that it is hard to give any advice. Having a
relationship with his ex inlaws does not indicate being
emotionally or mentally unhealthy. If he was young when that
relationship started, he could see them as another set of
parents. To me, an unhealthy relationship with ex inlaws would
be similar to an adult allowing them to control his actions.
Does he have other relationships or behaviors that you'd
consider mentally unhealthy?
I know I would not be happy with my spouse coming to me and
demanding counseling because of one set of relationships. I'd be
ok with him bringing it to my attention that he was unhappy with
my relationship and why he was unhappy. And then give me a
chance to change. But telling me I'm emotionally unhealthy would
put my defenses up and I'd be shooting back that he was he who
needed counseling if he was insecure about the relationship.
#Post#: 67133--------------------------------------------------
Re: I'm done
By: Luci Date: June 7, 2021, 8:46 am
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How hurtful! I have no answer. Hugs and prayers.
#Post#: 67136--------------------------------------------------
Re: I'm done
By: gramma dishes Date: June 7, 2021, 8:56 am
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[quote author=Rain link=topic=2067.msg67116#msg67116
date=1623030312]
He said that they didn't tell him
[/quote]
I'm so sorry, Rain. I have read and reread your posts and I
certainly understand that you are hurting and I'm sorry about
whatever is going on between the two of you. But there is no
information I can latch onto to help me understand what's really
going on.
"He said they didn't tell him." Who is they and what did they
not tell him?
#Post#: 67143--------------------------------------------------
Re: I'm done
By: Rose Red Date: June 7, 2021, 9:23 am
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[quote author=gramma dishes link=topic=2067.msg67136#msg67136
date=1623074212]
[quote author=Rain link=topic=2067.msg67116#msg67116
date=1623030312]
He said that they didn't tell him
[/quote]
I'm so sorry, Rain. I have read and reread your posts and I
certainly understand that you are hurting and I'm sorry about
whatever is going on between the two of you. But there is no
information I can latch onto to help me understand what's really
going on.
"He said they didn't tell him." Who is they and what did they
not tell him?
[/quote]
I was thinking the same thing. I don't understand this entire
situation because it's too vague.
What are you trying to achieve as the end goal?
Are you willing to leave if he doesn't meet your requirements?
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