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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 66324--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you respond to this?
DIR By: Hanna
Date: May 10, 2021, 8:49 am
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Oogyda, that is such a great thing to think about, in any
bothersome situation.
I’ll think about it more.
#Post#: 66327--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you respond to this?
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: May 10, 2021, 9:39 am
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I would stop hiding my feelings. If this was a one off thing, I
would hide my disappointment and assume that my friend was
excited about the gathering and simply made an error with
sharing. The reality is that we can't always invite everyone to
everything, so sometimes I won't make the guest list. But this
happens somewhat consistently, so I would take one of the
suggestions expressed. "When I'm not invited to your gatherings,
it hurts my feelings to hear you talk about them." "You know I
was not invited, so why would you tell me about it?" If this
person has the capability to think outside of her bubble, she
will apologize and try to do better in the future.
But there is certainly a possibility that nothing will change
her behavior. I think that you should decide how do you want to
handle that going forward. If this is someone who I want (or
need) to keep in my life in some form, then I would probably
"bean dip" and change the conversation. I am not going to talk
about things that hurt my feelings. But someone who doesn't seem
to care about my feelings is a person that I am less interested
in being close with. I would probably distance myself.
#Post#: 66328--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you respond to this?
DIR By: Hanna
Date: May 10, 2021, 10:24 am
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--- Quote from: LifeOnPluto link ---
>
> OP, does your friend invite most (or all) of your mutual
friends, and exclude you? Or is it just one or two, or a few
mutual friends that she's inviting over? If it's the former,
that's definitely rude and hurtful, but if it's the latter, I
personally don't think it's a huge issue, especially if you have
many mutual friends in common.
>
> If it is the former, then I totally feel for you. The last
time I encountered this behaviour was in high school. On one
occasion it was because the hostess-friend liked to create
drama. On another occasion (with a different, and closer
hostess-friend), I think it was because she actually felt
slightly guilty about not inviting me to her sleepover (she'd
invited three other mutual friends, and to this day, I'm not
sure she didn't invite me), and I suspect she figured I'm find
out about it anyway, and didn't want to lie by omission. Or
something like that.
>
> As for what to say in response, how about: "Sounds like fun.
If you're doing something similar in future, I'd definitely be
up for it, if there's room for one more." (I know it's generally
considered rude to invite yourself to things, but IMO, your
friend has opened the door in this case by talking about her
events so openly).
>
> If you want to be confrontational, how about: "I'm a bit
surprised you invited all / most of our mutual friends to your
party, but not me. Is there a reason why? Is everything ok
between us?"
>
--- End Quote ---
It’s often just another few people. Sometimes just one. I don’t
think she’s rude to invite whomever she likes. Just rude to
constantly talk about it. None of it would bother me much except
that her frequency of talking about these things makes me feel
like she is doing it on purpose to hurt me and make me feel left
out.
Once she invited everyone in a room except me and DH to a
concert. There were 8 people included, just us left out.
She could have invited them when we were not in earshot, instead
she made a big announcement.
I don’t really want to be invited. I just want her to shut up
about it.
It would really upset her if I treated her similarly.
#Post#: 66331--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you respond to this?
DIR By: oogyda
Date: May 10, 2021, 11:25 am
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--- Quote from: Hanna link ---
>
>
>
> It’s often just another few people. Sometimes just one. I
don’t think she’s rude to invite whomever she likes. Just rude
to constantly talk about it. None of it would bother me much
except that her frequency of talking about these things makes me
feel like she is doing it on purpose to hurt me and make me feel
left out.
>
> Once she invited everyone in a room except me and DH to a
concert. There were 8 people included, just us left out.
> She could have invited them when we were not in earshot,
instead she made a big announcement.
>
> I don’t really want to be invited. I just want her to shut up
about it.
>
> It would really upset her if I treated her similarly.
>
--- End Quote ---
At some point, you could ask her why she does this *because*
this is how it makes you feel.
#Post#: 66333--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you respond to this?
DIR By: Rose Red
Date: May 10, 2021, 12:13 pm
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Talk about gatherings that she wasn't invited to. When she
complains how it's rude to talk, tell her you thought it was ok
to talk since she does the same thing.
#Post#: 66339--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you respond to this?
DIR By: Hanna
Date: May 10, 2021, 1:47 pm
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I know it might sound a bit paranoid to say I think she's doing
this to make me feel bad, but there are reasons I think this.
For instance, I once went horseback riding* with Isabel and it
came up that we had done this. She said "I want to go horseback
riding with Isabel!" and now she frequently mentions going
horseback riding with Isabel.
Even funnier because some things subsequently came to light
about Isabel, and I really don't want to do things with her now
one-on-one.
Also, did I mention she likes to pooh-pooh activities that other
people enjoy? So my fantasy response is "Oh, I have no
desire!!!" Maybe that would shut her up a bit.
(It was something much more mundane!)
Why can't I just say what I am thinking? "Look, I really like
you but it feels like hell to have you constantly telling me
about things you do with others when you never bother to include
me anymore. If you don't like me enough to invite me along, why
are we still calling one another friend?"
#Post#: 66341--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you respond to this?
DIR By: lowspark
Date: May 10, 2021, 2:22 pm
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Does she ever invite you? Do you ever invite her to things?
Her behavior is quite rude. I would want to examine what I get
out of the friendship. You said you know she does this to others
as well. She seems to be part of your social group but that
doesn't mean you have to be friends outside that group. I would
probably just quit responding to one-on-one communication with
her and certainly wouldn't initiate it.
--- Quote from: Hanna link ---
>
> ... why are we still calling one another friend?"
>
--- End Quote ---
I think the question here is more, why are you still calling her
friend?
#Post#: 66342--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you respond to this?
DIR By: gramma dishes
Date: May 10, 2021, 2:57 pm
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--- Quote from: Hanna link ---
>
>
>
> It’s often just another few people. Sometimes just one. I
don’t think she’s rude to invite whomever she likes. Just rude
to constantly talk about it. None of it would bother me much
except that her frequency of talking about these things makes me
feel like she is doing it on purpose to hurt me and make me feel
left out.
>
> Once she invited everyone in a room except me and DH to a
concert. There were 8 people included, just us left out.
> She could have invited them when we were not in earshot,
instead she made a big announcement.
>
> I don’t really want to be invited. I just want her to shut up
about it.
>
> It would really upset her if I treated her similarly.
>
--- End Quote ---
I'm sorry but your "friend" was just plain rude to do that. In
fact, if I had been one of the other eight people she did invite
in front of you, I would have been so embarrassed I'd have
probably declined unless I truly thought she had invited you
already and you had had to turn her down. It sounds like she
is doing this quite intentionally, deliberately making you feel
left out. To be honest, she doesn't sound like much of a
friend. :-\
#Post#: 66345--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you respond to this?
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: May 10, 2021, 4:04 pm
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--- Quote ---
> Sounds like fun. If you're doing something similar in future,
I'd definitely be up for it, if there's room for one more." (I
know it's generally considered rude to invite yourself to
things, but IMO, your friend has opened the door in this case by
talking about her events so openly).
--- End Quote ---
This isn't really inviting yourself to something. It has to be
specific, to qualify for that.
Talking about a get-together with a single mutual friend isn't
automatically rude, because of course people can just get
together with one person, and it might be interesting.
Going on and on about it? That's not nice. Doing it often?
Not nice. Dwelling on how they saw the other friend, as opposed
to talking about the outing itself as a point of interest? Rude.
I don't say this to indicate in any way that I discount your
impression--if you think it's kind of pointed, then I think it
is.
And I think you could say your paragraph. But I personally might
try to focus on other people somehow.
#Post#: 66348--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you respond to this?
DIR By: Hanna
Date: May 10, 2021, 4:48 pm
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This is so helpful.
Why am I still calling her friend? I had to think about that.
There are positive experiences in our friendship bucket. There
have been some periods of ups and downs. The past year has been
tough on us all so I’m dwelling on this more than usual.
I also always thought it must be my imagination or my own fault
or that I was being too sensitive. I like her enough that I
couldn’t imagine she might be wrong about much of anything.
Only recently learned that she was doing this to someone else to
the point that they stopped speaking to her for a long time and
now keep her at arm’s length.
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