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#Post#: 66266--------------------------------------------------
How do you respond to this?
By: Hanna Date: May 8, 2021, 5:22 pm
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Maybe I posted about this before. It’s been happening for years!
I have a friend who always, always makes sure to tell me about
fun things she did with other friends of ours when I talk to
her. I have endless examples. Most recently she invited some
mutual friends to her porch before another outside gathering.
She didn’t come to the second gathering despite us all being
invited. The next time I spoke to her she told me about having
the others over.
Once she even told me that her mother taught her it’s rude to
talk about events to someone who was not invited. She also once
told me she was upset that I got invited to something by mutual
friends but she didn’t, despite having been on a vacation at the
time.
I know she does this to others also, so it’s not just me. It’s
been especially difficult the past year, when everyone is so
isolated. I’ve distanced myself from her because of this. But I
still find it really confusing and hurtful.
I typically just say “Oh, that sounds like fun.”
What would you say? Imaginary responses welcome!
#Post#: 66277--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you respond to this?
By: Aleko Date: May 9, 2021, 4:49 am
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I’m not sure that there is any useful way to challenge this kind
of behaviour, because someone solipsistic (I think that’s the
right word for what I mean) enough to habitually behave like
this is, realistically, just not going to get it.
For example, the next time she tells you all about the lovely
gathering she held, or was invited to by mutual friends, you
could raise your eyebrows and say ‘Sally dear, I remember you
telling me that your mother taught you it’s rude to talk about
events to someone who wasn’t invited. Why are you doing that
very thing to me now?’ Or, ‘Why are you telling me about this?
You presumably thought I wouldn’t be interested in catching up
with Jane and Dave, or surely you’d have invited me too.’ But
I’d lay good money that if you did, she would not respond with
‘Oh gosh! Yes, I hadn’t thought! How rude of me! Sorry, I won’t
do that again!’: she’d just stare blankly and say (or at least
think) ‘Oh, but this is different, you’re my friend so you
should be happy for me!’
This is one of those maddening and totally unfair situations
where calling out the other person’s repeated bad behaviour will
only make the complainer sound resentful and whiny. I think your
response is as good as any. Or, you could just not respond at
all, and leave an awkward silence when her description of her
fun time comes to a close. Or, distance yourself from her a bit
more. She doesn’t sound like much of a friend, tbh.
#Post#: 66278--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you respond to this?
By: Lula Date: May 9, 2021, 7:36 am
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"That sounds like fun! Good thing I wasn't there to ruin it."
...OK, maybe not.
#Post#: 66285--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you respond to this?
By: STiG Date: May 9, 2021, 10:52 am
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^ Maybe not that but what about:
That sounds like fun! I wish I'd been invited!
#Post#: 66296--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you respond to this?
By: Lula Date: May 9, 2021, 1:42 pm
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Or "I'm sorry I missed it!"
#Post#: 66297--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you respond to this?
By: oogyda Date: May 9, 2021, 3:08 pm
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I think it depends on what you hope to accomplish.
If you'd like her to stop talking about gatherings that don't
include you, say so.
"I would like it if you would stop talking about events you host
when you don't include me in the invitation."
You could add that it's hurtful.
If you want to shame her a little, you could add that it's rude.
Going forward, I would stop her when she starts and either just
say "I don't really want to hear about all the fun stuff you
choose to exclude me from."
or "I've told you before, I don't want to hear about these
things."
#Post#: 66298--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you respond to this?
By: chigger Date: May 9, 2021, 3:42 pm
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Keep it short and sweet. "I'm glad you had fun, but you don't
invite me, so I'd rather not know."
#Post#: 66302--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you respond to this?
By: Isisnin Date: May 9, 2021, 5:47 pm
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A lot of good suggestions. And Oogyda hit the nail on the head
by saying that any response depends on what you want to
accomplish.
Having had a friend like that, I doubt she will change. And she
might twist it around to how "you're too sensitive." Or "you had
others over and didn't invite me!" Or "why can't you be happy
for others?". So you might want to think how she would respond
to you and so be prepared for her responses.
In my friends case, I realized that it was really her issue not
mine. Once I realized that, I then realized I was not interested
in helping her with her issue. Which made me realize we really
weren't friends as I would want to help a friend. So I just
started distancing myself from her. In time I realized that she
had been creating a stress on me and I was definitely better off
without her.
So yes, decie what you want to accomplish.
End of the story postscript: Unfortunately, she saw my name in
the paper as one of the leaders of a new community group and she
knocked on my door to ask why I hadn't told her about it as she
had wanted to join one too. (This was the flip side of her - she
wouldn't invite you to her gatherings, but she'd complain if you
did anything without inviting her.). I pointed out that she had
not told me that she wanted to join one and that we hadn't seen
each other in months. The next meeting date and location had
been in the article so she went. Bummer for me. But I ended up
leaving after a while for reasons not involving her. We haven't
seen each other for about 3+ years now.
#Post#: 66319--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you respond to this?
By: Hanna Date: May 10, 2021, 6:09 am
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Aleko you raise an interesting point. I had to look up
solipsistic, and if I learned that she’s really just that
self-centered it wouldn’t bother me as much. I always thought
she did this to make others jealous because she’s jealous of
them.
I like the non-responses and think I could even get away with
this one if I laugh and smirk while saying it:
[quote author=Lula link=topic=2048.msg66278#msg66278
date=1620563773]
"That sounds like fun! Good thing I wasn't there to ruin it."
[/quote]
It might actually make a point with her.
#Post#: 66321--------------------------------------------------
Re: How do you respond to this?
By: LifeOnPluto Date: May 10, 2021, 8:04 am
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OP, does your friend invite most (or all) of your mutual
friends, and exclude you? Or is it just one or two, or a few
mutual friends that she's inviting over? If it's the former,
that's definitely rude and hurtful, but if it's the latter, I
personally don't think it's a huge issue, especially if you have
many mutual friends in common.
If it is the former, then I totally feel for you. The last time
I encountered this behaviour was in high school. On one occasion
it was because the hostess-friend liked to create drama. On
another occasion (with a different, and closer hostess-friend),
I think it was because she actually felt slightly guilty about
not inviting me to her sleepover (she'd invited three other
mutual friends, and to this day, I'm not sure she didn't invite
me), and I suspect she figured I'm find out about it anyway, and
didn't want to lie by omission. Or something like that.
As for what to say in response, how about: "Sounds like fun. If
you're doing something similar in future, I'd definitely be up
for it, if there's room for one more." (I know it's generally
considered rude to invite yourself to things, but IMO, your
friend has opened the door in this case by talking about her
events so openly).
If you want to be confrontational, how about: "I'm a bit
surprised you invited all / most of our mutual friends to your
party, but not me. Is there a reason why? Is everything ok
between us?"
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