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#Post#: 65955--------------------------------------------------
Being a good host
By: Bada Date: April 26, 2021, 1:10 pm
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We recently hosted a small birthday party (mostly vaccinated
people, almost entirely outside). I don't enjoy hosting because
I don't feel like I'm a good host. I'm frequently chasing my
little ones and keeping the youngest out of danger and it
definitely distracts me, though I feel like I've never been good
at hosting. But I'm wondering if maybe I just put too much
pressure on myself too? I'd love some perspective on what is
"normal" in these situations.
We put out over a dozen kinds of sodas/waters/beer plus my
husband opened the bar. I just expected people to grab their own
cans of whatever, though my husband was pouring drinks at one
point. I know my brother likes hot tea and if it's just him and
if I offer a drink he'll often ask for tea. At one point the
kitchen was empty except my mom and brother. Mom was washing
dishes and brother was just finishing making himself a cup of
tea. An hour later he's rummaging through our entire tea stash
and commenting on expiration dates, to make himself another cup.
I just kept doing what I was going to do, other than handing
him a paper towel when I saw him spilling.
Was I a bad host for not asking what he'd like, when there are
tons of soft drinks out? Is he a bad guest for just making
himself tea? Are we both in the clear since he's family and
families just do this kind of thing?
Another person also asked for Dijon mustard because the plain
yellow stuff just "didn't cut the mustard" so to speak. Is this
also fine etiquette wise? I try to put out what I think people
will want and I get embarrassed when I don't have something
out--and even more if we don't have it at all. Would you ask
your host for another condiment? Would you lay awake at night
thinking she was a bad host for not having it? (Slight
exaggeration obviously, but I do worry if they're judging me.)
Final example... The first holiday we hosted at our home my MIL
insisted the night before that we just HAD to have centerpieces.
She brought some that she had already in the car after I
politely turned her down twice. I told my husband I didn't want
hers. I didn't have any centerpieces that year (first year not
in a tiny apartment) and I wanted what I had done for the party
to be enough, if that makes sense. Husband had to pretty
forcefully shut her down from bringing centerpieces in. I bought
some for the next party because I felt liked my hosting had been
lacking. I think this clouds all my future interactions as a
host...
#Post#: 65956--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being a good host
By: chigger Date: April 26, 2021, 1:37 pm
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No, you weren't a bad host at all! I think it was fine that your
brother made a cup of tea, but was out of line for rummaging and
remarking on expiration dates(I have one brother that would do
the same).
As for asking for a condiment that wasn't already provided, I
was raised to never never do so. I think it's sort of borderline
rude. I still remember when I was in my late teens eating dinner
at my boyfriend's house, when a guest of his sister asked the
Mom for something not on the table and I was shocked and Mom
seemed a little put off. I'm not talking about something
expected, like salt, pepper or butter. Just a preference.
I think you were a fine host, OP!
ETA: Centerpieces are not required, and do not make you a good
or better host! Your MIL was a pill.
#Post#: 65957--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being a good host
By: Jem Date: April 26, 2021, 1:37 pm
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[quote author=Bada link=topic=2042.msg65955#msg65955
date=1619460621]
(Slight exaggeration obviously, but I do worry if they're
judging me.)
[/quote]
The fact that this was family and a small party changes what
might be expected of a "host," but I wanted to address the
statement above. Some people are judging other people all of the
time. Generally, that says more about the person doing the
judging than it does about the person being judged. You cannot
please everyone all of the time simultaneously, so if the goal
is to never be negatively judged you (general) will always fall
short.
If you care about the opinion of the person you feel is judging
you, perhaps take that opinion into account. But if you don't, I
would ignore any overt judgment and be blissfully unaware and
unaffected by any unexpressed judgment.
Chances are that if you acted the "perfect host" someone would
criticize you for not being attentive to your children or
[insert something else here]. So long as YOU are happy with what
you did I wouldn't worry about the judgments of other people.
#Post#: 65959--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being a good host
By: Hmmm Date: April 26, 2021, 1:54 pm
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On guests and drinks... I don't think a self serve is bad
hosting. Just make sure to communicate to the guests upon
arrival that they should grab a drink.
If I saw a guest (including a relative) going through my pantry
looking for something, I'd ask for what they needed and get it
for them. But that is primarily because I think it is rude to
rummage through other's stuff without asking first. However, if
you've previously told your brother to help himself in making a
cup of tea, it's hard to walk that back. So anytime he comes
over, I'd have the tea out that you want him to use.
On asking for more condiments... a lot depends on the situation.
For a casual get together with family, I'm not bothered by a
guest asking for a condiment and getting it out if I have it
available. But if I don't, then that doesn't make me a bad host.
For larger or more formal entertaining, I don't think it is
appropriate for guests to want to treat your dinner party like a
restaurant.
Your MIL was overstepping on pushing the centerpiece issue. To
offer to bring the centerpieces is fine. But once turned down,
she should have dropped it.
Some people will judge, while others are just happy to be
invited. Focus on what your expectation as a guest is of a host
and what the host could do to make you comfortable. That's your
benchmark.
#Post#: 65960--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being a good host
By: sandisadie Date: April 26, 2021, 2:10 pm
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Sounds to me like you were a fine host! Back when I was having
get-to-gathers all the time we would put out the food and
everything that goes with it and then just go with the flow. If
someone asked if we had a certain condiment I'd either go look
for it or just say that we didn't. Sometimes we would make
announcements at the beginning about the food, drinks, desserts
or whatever pertained to the event and admonish everyone to have
fun.
I think that when only family are gathered the rules change a
little bit. Things can get more informal, such as your brother
going into your tea stuff. If you don't like him calling out
your expired tea bags I'd just tell him in a joking way. Maybe,
"hey, you could just buy me some new tea then!"
Like someone else said, some people are always going to judge
you. Whenever I had a crowd over I just did my thing, was
polite to everyone, had plenty of food and drinks and tried to
find time to have fun and conversation as well as taking care to
be a good host and not worrying about what the guests thought.
I think it helped my state of mind to sit down a few days
before hand (if I could find the time) and think about how I
wanted the gathering to happen. A little pre-planning is a good
way to keep the nerves calm. Another thing I did was to observe
how the hosts of gatherings I attended were handling their
events. I learned a lot about what to do and what not to do
from that. The more hosting you do the better you'll get at it
and hopefully your nervousness will smooth out too.
#Post#: 65961--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being a good host
By: lowspark Date: April 26, 2021, 2:18 pm
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You're way overthinking this and being too hard on yourself. No
one can anticipate every single guest's needs 100% - you just do
the best you can. Most important is to keep a smile on your face
and make sure you have fun yourself!
I would have no problem with my sibling, or even some of my
close friends, going into the kitchen and making a tea if that's
what they want. I can't be everywhere at once so if a guest,
particularly someone I'm close enough to that they feel
comfortable in my kitchen, has a special request, it's even
better if they can just go ahead and handle it. But making
comments about expiry dates? Not so much. I mean, if it were
just the two of us, ok. But there are others within earshot and
it's just not nice. And speaking of nice, even nicer, would have
been for your brother to offer to make tea for anyone else at
the party who might want some. Because inevitably someone else
is going to see that he has tea and wonder why it wasn't offered
to all. So in this case, I'd say that you were a good host but
your brother was being a bit of a rude and entitled guest.
The mustard request wouldn't have bothered me. If I had it, I'd
be glad they asked as I want my guests to enjoy their food as
much as possible. Maybe I meant to put it out and forgot. That
happens! So thanks for the reminder. It might be the case that
others wanted Dijon but didn't want to ask... so again, win-win.
If I didn't have it, well, that's not exactly the end of the
world. And it doesn't make you a bad host. I don't run a
restaurant -- I buy foods I want to eat, and while I do end up
buying extras for a party, that doesn't mean I'm going to have
every condiment or option available automatically. I don't think
there's anything wrong with the guest asking and neither is
there anything wrong with the host saying, "sorry! I don't have
that."
The centerpieces -- that's a whole 'nother thing. MIL needs to
back off. There's no rule anywhere that says you must have one.
That's one of the most optional things ever! This one sounds
like a control thing on MIL's part.
Oh! And the people who judge the hardest are usually those who
never host anything themselves so they have no idea the work
that goes into hosting. If they verbalize that judgment, they
are being bad guests. I file that sort of information away in my
head and keep it in mind the next time I'm thinking of inviting
them.
#Post#: 65962--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being a good host
By: STiG Date: April 26, 2021, 4:15 pm
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You were completely fine on all counts, IMO.
Self serve drinks is fine as long as they are obvious to grab
and/or you let people know to help themselves.
Your mother doing dishes to help out, provided you were happy to
have her help, was fine. Your brother making his own cup of
tea, provided you were happy for him to help himself, was fine.
Him rummaging and commenting on the expiry dates? Not so much.
If I was rummaging in my brother's cabinet and noticed that some
of the tea was outdated, I would make a note and bring it up
with him after the party in a 'Hey, I noticed that some of your
tea was out of date; you might want to check that out.' My
Dad's kitchen? I'd just say, 'Hey, Dad. I'm pitching all this
tea that's way out of date and I'll take home the stuff that is
only a little out of date. I left the good stuff for you.'
Mainly because he never reads dates and would never tackle it on
his own.
The person asking for the dijon mustard could go either way. If
it was, 'I hate yellow mustard; do you have dijon?', I'd say
they were rude. If she asked, 'By any chance, do you have dijon
mustard? I prefer it over any other kind.', I'd give them a
pass. If I had it and could put my hands on it quickly, I'd
grab it. If I couldn't or didn't have any, I'd just apologize
and move on. Guest can choose to use yellow mustard or go
without.
As for your MIL and her centerpieces, woo boy. I'd have blown a
gasket. Centerpieces are not required for ANY function. Are
they nice for some, like at weddings? Sure. But they are not
required. I really hope this hasn't been indicative of your
relationship with her. If so, you have my sympathy. My MIL? I
can call her up and invite her for dinner with, 'We're having
leftovers tonight, if you don't feel like cooking.' 9 times out
of 10, she'll accept. Not all meals are that casual but I know
I don't have to fuss; she's happy if she doesn't have to cook.
And is happy if I send her home with a plate of leftovers.
I used to stress, big time, whenever I hosted. I've learned to
relax and have a good time. It has taken a very, very long time
to get there, though. And I'm not sure I would have, if my Mom
was still alive. Having her at a party would have stressed me
out - were my bathrooms clean enough, did I make the right food
choices, have I made sure that everyone is getting enough to
eat, and so on. And on and on and on... ;D
#Post#: 65963--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being a good host
By: Bada Date: April 26, 2021, 5:21 pm
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Thanks for thr reassurance! My husband is definitely of the
mindset of "We do our best and if people don't like it that's
their problem." Which is why I couldn't ask him this, since he'd
have said none of it mattered.
I don't think I've ever told my brother he could/should make his
own tea. But my mom may very well have told him to do so. That's
her style. Just take over her daughters kitchen. I guess it's
mostly worth it since she did all the clean up.
My MIL is great generally, but she tries too hard sometimes. The
last time she was over for dinner she got fixated on helping and
kept offering to do X or Y when it was way simpler to just let
me do it (I know exactly how my kid likes his meal and don't
want to explain).
#Post#: 65964--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being a good host
By: Aleko Date: April 27, 2021, 1:53 am
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I agree with everyone here. The most important thing about being
a host is to decide what your personal style of hosting is and
just do it well, without worrying about how other people do it
or what people will think of it. (If they are the kind of people
who will sneer at you for not having centrepieces or Dijon
mustard, you don’t want them back again anyway.) If you’re happy
for them to get their own drinks, do what my parents did and
what I do: take first-time visitors to where the drinks are, let
them see what there is and pour them their first drink, and tell
them from now on to fill up as they like. If you’re comfortable
running your show, your guests will be too - but a nervous host
makes everyone twitchy.
Personally, if I saw no mustard on the table I might ask for it:
the host might just not have thought that some people might like
it with whatever was being served. But if mustard and other
condiments were out on the table I would assume that these were
the only kinds the host had (or at any rate the only ones s/he
was prepared to offer) and wouldn’t dream of asking for a
different kind. I actively dislike salad cream, but if that’s
what’s on offer, saying ‘Haven’t you got any real mayonnaise?’
is rude, IMO.
#Post#: 65969--------------------------------------------------
Re: Being a good host
By: Morticia Date: April 27, 2021, 9:56 am
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Tea has expiration dates?
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