DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Life in General
*****************************************************
#Post#: 65830--------------------------------------------------
Acknowledging someone's ill fortune rude?
By: Hmmm Date: April 21, 2021, 8:42 am
---------------------------------------------------------
In this Miss Manner's column a woman and husband are recovering
from Covid 19. They had a video call with another couple. The
woman is upset that the reply to her question of "How are you
keeping?" was met with "A lot better than you, by the sound of
it". She said it was a put down but she also acknowledges her
husband had shared much about his symptoms in a previous call.
HTML https://www.uexpress.com/miss-manners/2021/4/21/friend-puts-foot-in-mouth-during
I just don't see this as a big deal. It would be like a
co-worker complaining about their day and then asking how yours
is and you say "better than yours, thankfully". It's just an
acknowledgement they are having a bad day and that you don't
need to unload.
Do others see the response as a putdown?
#Post#: 65831--------------------------------------------------
Re: Acknowledging someone's ill fortune rude?
By: TootsNYC Date: April 21, 2021, 8:57 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I think delivery is key. And maybe the "a lot" could have gone
away?
#Post#: 65832--------------------------------------------------
Re: Acknowledging someone's ill fortune rude?
By: BeagleMommy Date: April 21, 2021, 9:02 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I think tone and delivery would play a big key in how this is
taken.
Personally, most of the people in my life have a very sarcastic
sense of humor so this wouldn't be taken as a put down.
#Post#: 65836--------------------------------------------------
Re: Acknowledging someone's ill fortune rude?
By: ZekailleTasker Date: April 21, 2021, 10:03 am
---------------------------------------------------------
People have become SO thin skinned in the last year that it is
impossible to have gentle, joking conversations without being
prepared to then explain yourself multiple times. Some people
just like to find a slight in every word, glance, hand gesture
or shoulder shrug. I thought the second letter was a good
compliment to the first. I have had to endure some of the most
revolting, nasty commentary wishing for people on my side of the
aisle to become deathly ill or lose family members to the
disease or, worse still, for their children to be raped and
brutalized. But if I call them on it...I am part of an evil,
authoritarian empire; even though a lot of my views are the same
as theirs. IT cracks me up because *I* am the one they continue
to turn to for help, eschewing the people who share their views
completely...and I wonder why that is. If my political stance
is that repugnant to you, then my money, my car, my time and my
help must also be repugnant as well.
#Post#: 65837--------------------------------------------------
Re: Acknowledging someone's ill fortune rude?
By: SureJan Date: April 21, 2021, 10:18 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=ZekailleTasker link=topic=2039.msg65836#msg65836
date=1619017438]
People have become SO thin skinned in the last year that it is
impossible to have gentle, joking conversations without being
prepared to then explain yourself multiple times.
[/quote]
I think a kinder (and less stressful) way to think of this is
not that people are more “thin skinned” but it’s that we are
suffering from collective trauma and a rawness of emotions. I
don’t know a single person who hasn’t had some sort of horrific
loss in the last year - death of loved ones, loss of
job/financial stability, fear for the future - the human brain
isn’t wired to be anxious 24/7/365 and after awhile it shows.
I know it’s hard to show grace to people who seem like they do
nothing but complain, but sometimes it is the best thing you can
do for *yourself*
Sorry if that was kind of “soapboxy” or overstepping but it’s
been hard watching so many people I love turn inwards because of
their pain that it leaves me feeling completely helpless and
looking for some way to make others feel it a little less.
#Post#: 65838--------------------------------------------------
Re: Acknowledging someone's ill fortune rude?
By: Titanica Date: April 21, 2021, 10:24 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I don't know that I'd call it rude, but I don't like it. What's
the point of it? What is it trying to get across?
That said, I walked into a store one time - a small place; I
don't remember exactly what it was, probably a convenience store
of some kind. The clerk asked me how I was, and I said "Good,
thanks, how are you?" He responded with "Better than you!" I
don't know what that meant, or how I was supposed to respond.
Was he telling me something was wrong with me? He didn't even
know me, or anything about me.
But in the case of the LW, I think an answer that didn't compare
themselves to the LW would have been better.
#Post#: 65842--------------------------------------------------
Re: Acknowledging someone's ill fortune rude?
By: Aleko Date: April 21, 2021, 10:49 am
---------------------------------------------------------
If the complainer knew that her husband had been banging on far
too long about his symptoms in a previous call, it's not
unreasonable for her to have jumped to the conclusion that the
remark was a testy response to such whinging. (Come to that,
perhaps it was?)
I agree with those who have said that delivery is important;
also that if it wasn't so meant, the same sentiment might have
been expressed a tad more tactfully.
#Post#: 65844--------------------------------------------------
Re: Acknowledging someone's ill fortune rude?
By: NFPwife Date: April 21, 2021, 11:07 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I agree that tone and delivery is important. It's likely that
the speaker was trying to show empathy, but it didn't land. I
think it's best to focus on the noble intention behind the
comment more than the actual comment. The noble intention is "I
recognize that you're struggling, I'm sorry you're ill."
I recently went to the chiropractor and asked the receptionist
how she was doing and said something about 2020. Like, "Did you
come out of 2020 okay?" It wasn't that exactly, and I can't
remember because her response took me off guard a bit - she
said, "Fine, except I'm sick of people asking me that." I wanted
to say, "I'm just making conversation and I actually care how
2020 was for you." I took a deep breath, shook it off, and
talked about how I was just getting back to things and we talked
about going back to church-she hadn't gone back to in person yet
and asked about how things are being managed. From my
perspective, we ended up having a nice chat. I hope she didn't
walk away focused on what I did "wrong" at the beginning of the
interaction. (But after reading that letter, I'm feeling like
she might have.)
Speaking of what one gets "wrong" in a conversation - those
lists of things that say "What not to say to cancer patients" or
"What not to say to someone who just lost their job" drive me
crazy. If someone is reaching out, connecting, talking to you,
why focus on a misstep or fumble? Why not focus on the fact that
they are trying? I think the lists' focus on what not to do, can
prevent people from reaching out because they're afraid to make
a mistake or there's something they've said on the list. A list
of "how to connect with a friend who lost their job" or "how to
support your friend with cancer" is 1,000 times better. The
focus on what one can do instead of looking for the criticism is
a small, but significant shift.
#Post#: 65874--------------------------------------------------
Re: Acknowledging someone's ill fortune rude?
By: sms Date: April 22, 2021, 9:29 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=PVZFan link=topic=2039.msg65844#msg65844
date=1619021232]
I agree that tone and delivery is important. It's likely that
the speaker was trying to show empathy, but it didn't land. I
think it's best to focus on the noble intention behind the
comment more than the actual comment. The noble intention is "I
recognize that you're struggling, I'm sorry you're ill."
I recently went to the chiropractor and asked the receptionist
how she was doing and said something about 2020. Like, "Did you
come out of 2020 okay?" It wasn't that exactly, and I can't
remember because her response took me off guard a bit - she
said, "Fine, except I'm sick of people asking me that." I wanted
to say, "I'm just making conversation and I actually care how
2020 was for you." I took a deep breath, shook it off, and
talked about how I was just getting back to things and we talked
about going back to church-she hadn't gone back to in person yet
and asked about how things are being managed. From my
perspective, we ended up having a nice chat. I hope she didn't
walk away focused on what I did "wrong" at the beginning of the
interaction. (But after reading that letter, I'm feeling like
she might have.)
Speaking of what one gets "wrong" in a conversation - those
lists of things that say "What not to say to cancer patients" or
"What not to say to someone who just lost their job" drive me
crazy. If someone is reaching out, connecting, talking to you,
why focus on a misstep or fumble? Why not focus on the fact that
they are trying? I think the lists' focus on what not to do, can
prevent people from reaching out because they're afraid to make
a mistake or there's something they've said on the list. A list
of "how to connect with a friend who lost their job" or "how to
support your friend with cancer" is 1,000 times better. The
focus on what one can do instead of looking for the criticism is
a small, but significant shift.
[/quote]
I agree - it's a huge detriment to people's relationships when
the fear of saying the wrong thing eclipses reaching out and
being supportive.
You're nicer than I am by way of continuing the conversation
with the receptionist and overlooking her snotty response - that
was flat out rude.
#Post#: 65876--------------------------------------------------
Re: Acknowledging someone's ill fortune rude?
By: lowspark Date: April 22, 2021, 10:34 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, tone matters. I can see how it could be taken in a
negative way. Probably she should have said something like,
"doing well, thankfully!"
So... was it rude? Probably not meant to be.
Should the LW have interpreted it as rude? Probably she could
cut a friend some slack!
But the real question for me here is, Does this warrant a letter
to Miss Manners? I mean, you know, get over it. Friends say the
wrong thing sometimes. It happens. Surely the LW has from time
to time. Let it go!
And yeah, I agree that we might have become overstressed to the
point of not being able to assimilate some unintended slight
that might not have even caused a blip on our radar pre-Covid.
That is something to think about as we begin to navigate "the
real world" again.
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page