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#Post#: 65328--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reconnecting with an old friend . . .
By: KaosP Date: April 8, 2021, 10:04 am
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It sounds to me like DD#2 is worried about her friend's mom, and
maybe wants to get your input.
Is DD#2 aware of the issues you had with Karen before?
I think you can go for lunch without committing to a close
friendship. Sounds like you'll be on your guard anyway.
#Post#: 65335--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reconnecting with an old friend . . .
By: Codewoman1125 Date: April 8, 2021, 10:58 am
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If you go to the lunch, be prepared to fend off a request for
money.
#Post#: 65341--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reconnecting with an old friend . . .
By: jpcher Date: April 8, 2021, 12:27 pm
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Thanks for your wonderful responses so far.
To answer a few questions:
[quote author=oogyda link=topic=2029.msg65305#msg65305
date=1617843820]
Cancel.
You can love DD#2 and Debbie without being drawn into that kind
of drama!
It almost seems like you're expected to be Karen's savior.
That's definitely a job you don't want.
[/quote]
Yes! I think you hit the nail on the head.
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=2029.msg65310#msg65310
date=1617868347]
Did [b]Debbie at any time say to DD2 on her own recognisance (by
which I mean, not just dutifully nodding and backing-up whatever
her mother said) that Karen was getting ready to die?[/b] If
not, given Karen’s history of exaggerating or outright lying
about her medical troubles, I don’t think her statement should
be taken at face value, and certainly not acted on.
[/quote]
That's a good question. DD#2 told me that Karen is very
depressed and never leaves her home (well, I get that because of
COVID. I don't leave my home very much either). I don't know of
any current medical issues. But I never asked. I also do not
know what Debbie has talked to DD#2 about.
[quote author=Gellchom link=topic=2029.msg65313#msg65313
date=1617880435]
It sounds to me like you -- very understandably! -- do NOT want
a relationship with Karen again, but maybe (and I'm just
spitballing here) you are also feeling like she didn't do
anything so heinous to you to justify refusing ever to see her
again, even for one lunch. And maybe there are things about her
that you do like, even if they aren't enough to counterbalance
the bad things.
(snip)
If you could somehow have this lunch but not get back into a
relationship with Karen, would that be your choice?
[/quote]
Gellchom -- I liked your entire post but the two above really
stuck out for me. Yes, if I could feel that a simple lunch get
together would not get back into a friendship relationship I
would go.
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=2029.msg65325#msg65325
date=1617890770]
I'd ask DD what her expectations are out of getting you guys
together.
If something simple like Debbie & DD think Karen is depressed
and getting her out of the house for a lunch would be good, then
I'd probably do it for Debbie. Especially since you've already
said you'd do the one lunch.
[/quote]
Thanks, Hmmm -- A more in depth talk with DD#2 is a great idea.
I haven't talked to Debbie about her mom other than a "How's
your mom?" and bean dip. Didn't want to get into particulars.
[quote author=KaosP link=topic=2029.msg65328#msg65328
date=1617894280]
It sounds to me like DD#2 is worried about her friend's mom, and
maybe wants to get your input.
Is DD#2 aware of the issues you had with Karen before?
I think you can go for lunch without committing to a close
friendship. Sounds like you'll be on your guard anyway.
[/quote]
I do think that DD#2 is worried about Debbie's mom. Karen has
been a part of her life for a long time.
Yes, DD#2 is aware of the issues. I talked to her about it years
ago when she started asking why I'm not seeing Karen any more. I
have no clue as to whether she passed that on to Debbie or if
Debbie then passed it on to her mom.
[quote author=Codewoman1125 link=topic=2029.msg65335#msg65335
date=1617897507]
If you go to the lunch, be prepared to fend off a request for
money.
[/quote]
LOL! or at the very least be prepared to pay for the lunch. Can
I suggest a cheapy restaurant? LOL!
DD#2 told me that she wouldn't plan the lunch until we all have
our 2nd vaccine shot, so for me that will be May 1. I have time,
but will talk to DD#2 about this asap.
Once again, this is an awesome site. Someplace where people are
able to help put my thoughts into the proper perspective.
I appreciate all of you.
#Post#: 65344--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reconnecting with an old friend . . .
By: lakey Date: April 8, 2021, 1:13 pm
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If Karen is depressed to the point of talking about death, she
needs professional help, the kind of help you really can't give
her. Being shut in due to the pandemic is a lot worse for some
people than for others. If Karen is the kind of person who
dwells on her problems, then being home a lot may make that
worse. I've seen public service messages on tv offering help to
people like this. I wish I could remember the specifics, but I
can't.
As far as going to the lunch, if you think you can set some
boundaries to protect yourself from being dragged back into a
lot of drama that you aren't equipped to handle, go. But if you
think this can't be limited to just one lunch, I wouldn't go. I
would try to find a helpline phone number to give her daughter.
Sometimes we get guilted into trying to help people who have
major problems. We aren't qualified to help them.
#Post#: 65346--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reconnecting with an old friend . . .
By: pierrotlunaire0 Date: April 8, 2021, 1:52 pm
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If this were me, and feeling the way (that I think) you do, I
would not go. Mostly because I so absolutely, positively would
not want to start the friendship up again, I would be sitting
there the entire time, on guard, so ready to shut down the
possibility of any friendship that the lunch would be unpleasant
for me. And from the viewpoint that Karen just needs some
interactions to help her cope (It's very possible), how much
good would having a lunch with me do for her if I am prepared to
disengage from her at the slightest provocation?
So, for me, I wouldn't do it. Get professional help if necessary
(and it probably is), but not me.
#Post#: 65350--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reconnecting with an old friend . . .
By: Lula Date: April 8, 2021, 2:46 pm
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Not to be callous, but it sounds like Karen has spent the past
20 years claiming to be gravely ill and about to die. This
latest claim could be nothing more than yet another grab at your
money.
#Post#: 65361--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reconnecting with an old friend . . .
By: oogyda Date: April 8, 2021, 5:07 pm
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[quote author=Lula link=topic=2029.msg65350#msg65350
date=1617911212]
Not to be callous, but it sounds like Karen has spent the past
20 years claiming to be gravely ill and about to die. This
latest claim could be nothing more than yet another grab at your
money.
[/quote]
I agree that Karen seems to manipulate people with medical
conditions. It could be a grab for money, but more costly would
be the time, energy and emotions that jpcher would put into a
"relationship" with her. I would place odds that it would be a
take, take, take relationship on the part of Karen with jpcher
doing the give, give, give.
It would be best to have another conversation with DD#2. She
would probably understand better now than she may have a few
years ago. Either way, she should respect your choice.
#Post#: 65382--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reconnecting with an old friend . . .
By: gramma dishes Date: April 9, 2021, 11:24 am
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[quote author=Lula link=topic=2029.msg65350#msg65350
date=1617911212]
Not to be callous, but it sounds like Karen has spent the past
20 years claiming to be gravely ill and about to die. This
latest claim could be nothing more than yet another grab at your
money.
[/quote]
And your sympathy and attention. I agree that Karen may have
lots of reasons for wanting to recharge your friendship, but I
see nothing in it but potential problems for you.
#Post#: 65581--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reconnecting with an old friend . . .
By: Despedina Date: April 14, 2021, 4:55 pm
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When you said that Debbie said she was getting "Ready to die" in
response to being woken up for her Covid shot appt, I thought
that meant that Debbie was afraid the shot would kill her (I
hear people say this all the time). Is that what she meant?
Regardless, I MAY go to a luncheon once in this situation since
it's been too long but I would decline any further get
togethers. Cite anything you want (too busy, moving to the moon
etc).
#Post#: 65632--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reconnecting with an old friend . . .
By: malfoyfan13 Date: April 16, 2021, 1:07 am
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I'm with the "just say no" camp. This sounds like a money grab
to me. I've dealt with people like this and they don't change.
Sounds like she needs professional help. Don't do it.
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