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#Post#: 65303--------------------------------------------------
Reconnecting with an old friend . . . UPDATE #21
By: jpcher Date: April 7, 2021, 7:11 pm
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. . . that you have de-friended many years ago.
BG: I've known Karen and her daughter Debbie since Debbie and my
DD#2 were in kindergarten, so 20ish years. Karen always grated
on my nerves a little bit because she was always right and a
non-stop talker (hard to get a word in edgewise). Even still I
considered her a close friend, mostly because of our daughters
being close friends. So I put up with her talk and comments
about her health, all the while thinking hypochondriac? maybe?.
Karen has always had medical issues which she felt free to talk
about, it was one of her main topics of conversations. I
understood and commiserated with some of her issues, to the
point of taking in Debbie while Karen was getting neck surgery
and driving Debbie and D#2 to the far away hospital during her
convalescence.
After her surgery she consistently complained about her doctors,
the hospital staff and how they did everything wrong. She tried
to sue them but her 'free' lawyers told her that she didn't have
a case against them. Oh, you should have heard her tales about
how everybody else was wrong and she was right but nobody would
listen to her.
She's been living on welfare in HUD (supplemented by the
government) housing and assorted odd jobs since then. That was
maybe 10 years ago when Debbie was about sixteen and still in
high school.
At that point Karen started asking me for loans. No problem, she
did pay me back. But the onsie-twosies loans grew in amounts and
the time that she repaid me grew as well. I finally told her
that if she wanted any more money I would pay her for odd jobs
around the house. Like weeding my flower garden patches, etc.
One time I came home early and watched her pulling weeds in my
garden. She was moving around just swell. Until she saw me
watching her. Then she put one hand on the back of her neck,
came inside and said "I'm sorry, I just don't think I can do
this any more. My health issues, you know."
Then she asked me for more money for something about Debbie's
schooling or some such thing.
I told her No. That's not going to happen. And this is the main
reason that I stopped returning her calls as a friend. It seemed
like every time I saw her she was asking for money.
DD#2 and Debbie are still besties. end BG
After all that background, DD#2 asked me today if we could set
up a date with Karen, Debbie, myself and DD#2 to get together.
For lunch or something. My first thought was no way.
DD#2 went on to explain that she went over to Karen/Debbie's
apartment to wake Karen up for her COVID shot and Karen said
that she was getting ready to die.
While my heart goes out to Karen and Debbie I really don't want
to start up this relationship with Karen again.
I told DD#2 to go ahead and set up a get together.
What would you do?
#Post#: 65305--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reconnecting with an old friend . . .
By: oogyda Date: April 7, 2021, 8:03 pm
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Cancel.
You can love DD#2 and Debbie without being drawn into that kind
of drama!
It almost seems like you're expected to be Karen's savior.
That's definitely a job you don't want.
#Post#: 65306--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reconnecting with an old friend . . .
By: DaDancingPsych Date: April 7, 2021, 8:55 pm
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I agree; I would not attend. DD#2 is an adult and doesn't need
you to have the relationships that she desires. What does she
think will result from this date? You were friends with Karen
for many years and you couldn't change her ways. I don't see
evidence that she's changed much since you stepped away from the
friendship. I just don't see what your presence will do to
improve things for Karen... for Debbie... or for DD#2.
#Post#: 65308--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reconnecting with an old friend . . .
By: STiG Date: April 7, 2021, 9:17 pm
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Another vote for cancel. Nothing good can come of a reunion
between you and Karen.
#Post#: 65310--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reconnecting with an old friend . . .
By: Aleko Date: April 8, 2021, 2:52 am
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Did Debbie at any time say to DD2 on her own recognisance (by
which I mean, not just dutifully nodding and backing-up whatever
her mother said) that Karen was getting ready to die? If not,
given Karen’s history of exaggerating or outright lying
about her medical troubles, I don’t think her statement
should be taken at face value, and certainly not acted on.
I would suggest that jpcher should ask DD2 to ask Debbie in
clear what Karen’s doctors actually say about her medical
state. If they really are besties, she should be able to do
this, and expect a truthful answer. If Debbie says that her
mother is catastrophising and the doctors really don’t
expect her to die, I would also say without hesitation, cancel:
she’s just trying to guilt jpcher again.
But if Debbie says that Karen really is imminently on the way
out, that does alter the case. It might still be better to
refuse to be drawn back into the relationship, but the question
‘would I regret later that I refused to see her before she
died?’ needs to be faced squarely.
#Post#: 65312--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reconnecting with an old friend . . .
By: NewHomeowner Date: April 8, 2021, 5:27 am
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I agree with the folks who say 'Cancel'. I'm pretty sure that
you'll end up paying for everybody anyway.
#Post#: 65313--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reconnecting with an old friend . . .
By: Gellchom Date: April 8, 2021, 6:13 am
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Maybe it's not so simple, though -- or I doubt jpcher would be
asking for our thoughts, she'd just say "No thanks!" This is
about more than one lunch.
I don't have an opinion on what to do, I just think it's worth
unpacking a bit more.
It sounds to me like you -- very understandably! -- do NOT want
a relationship with Karen again, but maybe (and I'm just
spitballing here) you are also feeling like she didn't do
anything so heinous to you to justify refusing ever to see her
again, even for one lunch. And maybe there are things about her
that you do like, even if they aren't enough to counterbalance
the bad things. Or maybe you are concerned about making things
awkward for Debbie and your daughter? Something else? I'm
guessing that there is something on this side of the scale, too,
or you wouldn't have asked your question.
Jpcher, does this mean a lot to your daughter? She's now about
25, I take it. I think you could discuss this with her. Tell
her your feelings. You wish Karen well, but you don't want to
be in a close relationship with her now, and you have a concern
about being asked for loans or favors. Don't get into the
annoying personality things (your daughter probably knows them
at least as well as you do at this point anyway). I'm
definitely not saying you have to do whatever she suggests or
asks! But I bet she will have some insights for you, and it
will be good for her to hear your perspective, too.
If you could somehow have this lunch but not get back into a
relationship with Karen, would that be your choice?
#Post#: 65324--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reconnecting with an old friend . . .
By: lowspark Date: April 8, 2021, 8:57 am
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[quote author=jpcher link=topic=2029.msg65303#msg65303
date=1617840703]
My first thought was no way.
<snip>
I really don't want to start up this relationship with Karen
again.
[/quote]
Knowing nothing else about this, I would say you've answered
your own question. Whatever your reasons are, you don't want to
do this. So I wouldn't do it. It's ok to say no. It's ok to say
no to Karen/Debbie and it's ok to say no to your daughter. And
as we say here, you don't have to JADE.
#Post#: 65325--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reconnecting with an old friend . . .
By: Hmmm Date: April 8, 2021, 9:06 am
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I'd ask DD what her expectations are out of getting you guys
together.
If something simple like Debbie & DD think Karen is depressed
and getting her out of the house for a lunch would be good, then
I'd probably do it for Debbie. Especially since you've already
said you'd do the one lunch.
However, if DD is under the impression it will be more
interactions, then I'd probably just tell her that no, you are
not going to get embroiled in Karen's drama. Let Debbie know you
are there for her when she needs support. Debbie is an adult
now. You can even tell her why you are wanting to keep your
distance from her mom, if she is not already aware of all of the
requests for money.
#Post#: 65327--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reconnecting with an old friend . . .
By: DaDancingPsych Date: April 8, 2021, 9:10 am
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I think Gellchom is right. This is a conversation that you
should have with DD#2. That may not change your answer, but I
think that she at least deserves to understand your reasoning
and I think it would be healthy to understand hers!
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