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#Post#: 65150--------------------------------------------------
DD#1 and BFsam's wedding planning, FINALE #196
By: jpcher Date: April 2, 2021, 1:52 pm
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I'm sure I'll have other questions as we go along the planning
process but I would like to ask you what is proper
etiquette-wise these days for wedding planning.
It is my understanding that, traditionally, the brides parent
(me) pays for the ceremony, reception and dress. The grooms
parent (BFsam's mom) pays for the rehearsal dinner and bar tab
at the reception. Is this still true?
DD#1 asked me (one reason for my post) if they had to have a
rehearsal dinner. Would people frown on them for not hosting a
meal the night before the wedding?
I told her "It's your and BFsam's* wedding, I think you can do
pretty much whatever you want."
They are not planning on a church ceremony. They will say their
vows with a Justus of the Peace presiding at the venue where the
reception will be held. So no rehearsal the evening prior to the
ceremony, then why host a rehearsal dinner? Would not having a
rehearsal dinner or a meal with the bridal attendances (along
with my mother, BFsam's mom and myself) be considered rude?
Way back when I had my BWW the rehearsal dinner was also the
time that gifts to the bridal party were given out. Is gifts for
the bridal party still a must do thing?
DD#1 would like to do everything etiquette-correct and doesn't
want to make any errors that would embarrass her and BFsam. As
in she doesn't want a cake, she would like a cupcake tree
instead. BFsam asked about the tradition of putting the top tier
of the cake in the freezer for them to eat on their first
anniversary. DD#1 said "Ewww! Freezer burn!"
*Side note: while talking with DD#1 about wedding planning
(BFsam was there) she kept referring the wedding to be "MY day!"
I found a private moment with her and mentioned that it was not
just her day. She said "I get it. But I'm the one doing most of
the planning. All he has to do is show up and wear a tux!" She
did understand my thoughts and said "Okay, thanks Mom, I'll talk
about it as OUR day."
I would very much appreciate any thoughts, comments, ideas, or
whatever that you all have on planning a wedding. What are the
must-do things or if any of the old fashioned rules still really
apply.
#Post#: 65151--------------------------------------------------
Re: DD#1 and BFsam's wedding planning
By: Rose Red Date: April 2, 2021, 3:43 pm
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These days, many brides and grooms pay for their own wedding.
Gifts of money from parents are of course appreciated, but women
these days are not dependent on their parents until marriage
anymore. And if the groom's parents want to contribute to the
wedding and reception, that's ok too. The same if the bride's
parents want to contribute to the rehearsal dinner and bar tab.
Since they are not having a rehearsal, I don't think they have
to host a dinner the night before since they are not taking up
the wedding party's time.
I think gifts for the wedding party is still done. At least in
my circle. The gifts are considered a thank you.
#Post#: 65152--------------------------------------------------
Re: DD#1 and BFsam's wedding planning
By: TootsNYC Date: April 2, 2021, 4:09 pm
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This used to be my field!
Rehearsal dinners are hospitality offered to people in return
for them setting aside the time to attend the rehearsal. If
there's no rehearsal, there's no need for a dinner.
The "who pays for what" is really kind of unregulated nowadays.
I think most times the couple pays--and one of the ways some of
them pay is by asking their parents (either side) for whatever
help they are willing to give. I think there's a little more
recognition that the groom's side could pitch in.
I think there still is a bit of "bride's side pays for the
ceremony and most of the reception; groom's side picks up the
flowers, the rehearsal dinner, and the drinks" out there. But
it's just a remnant or trend.
The one I always liked was the idea that the groom paid for the
bride's flowers, and maybe the other women's; it's the biggest
"prom" he'll ever invite anyone to. But the groom usually
doesn't get to control that, so...
The gifts to the wedding party are still a little traditional, I
think. I have a feeling lots of attendants will sort of expect
something. I would never suggest someone skip them. But they
were only really given at the rehearsal dinner because it was
convenient.
Cupcakes are fine; it's just dessert, there's no etiquette
requirement that it be a cake. And non-cakes are very popular.
Grooms often DO like to be involved in the planning. I hope she
makes room for Sam on the things that he's interested in.
#Post#: 65156--------------------------------------------------
Re: DD#1 and BFsam's wedding planning
By: STiG Date: April 2, 2021, 8:37 pm
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We had an informal rehearsal dinner so we didn't do the gifts
that night. We left them at our attendant's places for them to
open at the reception.
#Post#: 65157--------------------------------------------------
Re: DD#1 and BFsam's wedding planning
By: AnnNottingham Date: April 2, 2021, 9:09 pm
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Instead of a rehearsal dinner (since you don't seem to need a
rehearsal), what about an afternoon luncheon for the attendants,
parents, etc.? Or, your daughter could have a lunch for her
attendants and give her gifts then. Although the gifts are
"old-fashioned", I think that's a custom worth keeping.
My DD is very likely to become engaged sometime this year. DH
and I intend to cut a check and let them have at it. All of
that about who pays for what came about when neither bride nor
groom might have a lot of money; I've found most couples today
pay for their entire wedding (perhaps with gifts from parents).
She doesn't even have to carry flowers! My attendants and I
carried fans I bought (very cheaply) in China with ribbons with
my colors wound in them. In fact, you don't have to have a
"color".
On a side note, I thought of your other daughter, who went
through a brutal breakup with a house involved and a real mess.
Be careful that everything for the next few months isn't all
"wedding, wedding wedding", and be sensitive to her feelings.
#Post#: 65158--------------------------------------------------
Re: DD#1 and BFsam's wedding planning
By: DaDancingPsych Date: April 2, 2021, 9:52 pm
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I am of the mindset that the only thing you absolutely need to
get married is a marriage certificate. The rest is all
sprinkles! Of course, if you are going to throw a party of any
sorts, you do want to ensure that your guests are comfortable.
However, I have heard nothing that concerns me about the plans
thus far. I think that the key is communication. Don't leave the
guests and attendants guessing; let them know exactly what to
expect (or not expect.)
I agree, if there is no rehearsal, then no dinner is necessary.
If they WANT to host something (formal or causal), that is fine,
but not necessary. Whenever I have been part of a wedding party,
it can feel like the whole thing consumes my weekend... or
week... or month... and I'm not even the one saying I do! I
would probably welcome this change.
And while I'm discussing my experiences, the gifts that I have
been given were disappointing. It has always been costume
jewelry that I am told to wear on the day of the wedding. And it
has always been something that I never wear again. I do think
that one should thank their attendants, as they often do a lot,
but to me, these felt less like gifts and more like part of the
bridesmaid wear. I would suggest something with more thought
into individual people.
I think the division of costs is something that is slowly
fading. I like the idea of deciding your budget and offering
that money to the couple. If the groom's family does the same,
the couple knows exactly what they have to work with. If they
want a wedding beyond that means, then they need to continue
saving. But it also allows them to focus the money on what is
most important to them. Maybe they want to spend less on flowers
and more on booze, that can easily be done.
I have been to a wedding that served cupcakes. I think it would
be fine to serve any sort of dessert or none at all. I always
thought the saving of the top tier was silly, but I know that
many couples enjoy that tradition. If they want to save some
cupcakes, they could still partake. The only thought that I
would put into their heads is that if they want to do a cake
cutting (and again, I think it's optional) that they may want to
make plans of how to do that. I also think that cupcakes are
somewhat popular, so a bakery may have ideas of how to make all
of this special for them.
All the Brimstoner babies are growing up! ;D
#Post#: 65159--------------------------------------------------
Re: DD#1 and BFsam's wedding planning
By: Aleko Date: April 3, 2021, 4:17 am
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The traditional French wedding cake is called a croquembouche
(it means ‘crush in the mouth’, more or less). It’s a pyramid of
profiteroles filled with creme patissiere, with a coating of
caramel to stop the whole thing falling apart. It looks lovely
(just Google for images) and tastes marvellous.
#Post#: 65160--------------------------------------------------
Re: DD#1 and BFsam's wedding planning
By: TootsNYC Date: April 3, 2021, 2:33 pm
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[quote]It has always been costume jewelry that I am told to wear
on the day of the wedding. [/quote]
I did this; it turned out that all my attendants wore their
knee-length black dresses again, and wore those necklaces again.
But when I wrote an etiquette column, I saw a lot of advice that
said this was not an appropriate gift. And I agree. I wish I'd
done something different. Or, additional, perhaps.
My husband's guys got nice pens.
#Post#: 65161--------------------------------------------------
Re: DD#1 and BFsam's wedding planning
By: SureJan Date: April 3, 2021, 4:05 pm
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=2024.msg65160#msg65160
date=1617478405]
[quote]It has always been costume jewelry that I am told to wear
on the day of the wedding. [/quote]
I did this; it turned out that all my attendants wore their
knee-length black dresses again, and wore those necklaces again.
But when I wrote an etiquette column, I saw a lot of advice that
said this was not an appropriate gift. And I agree. I wish I'd
done something different. Or, additional, perhaps.
My husband's guys got nice pens.
[/quote]
This is my experience as well, that the bridesmaid's gift is
usually some sort of jewelry to wear at the wedding. As someone
who doesn't wear a ton of jewelry in my day to day life and is
very selective about what I do wear, the best thing I can say
about it is that it does make dressing for the day easier.
On the other hand, my favorite bridesmaid gift was when my
cousin got married - she loaned me some earrings and the gift
was a certificate to a local spa which was much appreciated.
Also in my experience, the other reason behind a rehearsal
dinner was it gave guests who traveled from out of town an extra
chance to catch up/it was usually closer friends/family that are
the ones arriving "early" - I believe in United States wedding
culture this is one of the only wedding events that wouldn't be
considered A/B list because rehearsal dinners are usually much
smaller affairs.
Congratulations to your daughter, I hope they have many happy
years together!
#Post#: 65162--------------------------------------------------
Re: DD#1 and BFsam's wedding planning
By: STiG Date: April 3, 2021, 4:51 pm
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We gave the female attendants jewelry boxes, with the MOH's
being slightly different. The male attendants got flasks and
the BM got a lighter with his.
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