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#Post#: 64653--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is it rude to be too early? (More info.)
By: LifeOnPluto Date: March 19, 2021, 11:11 pm
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[quote author=baritone108 link=topic=2011.msg64641#msg64641
date=1616186526]
First, thank you all for your opinions. I asked for them and I
understand them. So this is just more info to add a little
context due to interest expressed, not to change anyone's
response.
Friend and I are both retired. The restaurant we were meeting
at is about a 20 min drive from each of our houses and we were
meeting at a time when traffic would not be an issue. After
lunch our plan was to go to her home and work a jigsaw puzzle
for the afternoon.
I have a tendency (which I work on) to be 5 to 10 minutes late
for this type of thing. I already know that's rude, as I said
I'm working on it. It hasn't been a problem when meeting with
this friend for a while. I am almost always on time with her
now. Although it's not her fault, because I am trying so hard
not to be late and she is always there waiting (meaning already
seated) when I get there it does tend to make me feel like I am
late even when I'm not. (I heard you, my problem.)
Someone commented that I owed her an apology for being 15 min
late this time. I disagree. Something happened which was
entirely out of my control a little over an hour ahead of time
which was going to delay me. I gave her almost an hour's
notice. This stuff happens. Her tone of voice was such that
there was no point in the notice because she was already there.
(I do apologize when late through my own fault.)
Anyway, I see that she was not rude to me by arriving 45 min
early (I have my own feelings about whether she was rude to the
restaurant),
Thanks, again, for the input.
[/quote]
OP. thanks for providing the additional information. As I was
reading your initial post, I couldn't help but think "How busy a
life does your friend lead, if she can afford to arrive so early
every single time you meet up?" It sounds from your follow-up
post that perhaps she doesn't have that much happening in her
life... and hence she enjoys getting out of the house, and
hanging out in public to kill time?
As for your question, I don't think your friend is being rude to
you, but I personally would find it odd. Arriving 5-10 minutes
early is understandable. Arriving 45 minutes early is just
strange. (And I agree with other posters - I'd be tempted to ask
her why she always arrives so early!). For your next catch-up,
I'd also be tempted to turn up an hour early, just to see what
happens! (It would be pretty funny if it devolved into a
stand-off where you both started arriving earlier and earlier,
hours in advance, just to beat the other person there!).
I do however, think she is being rude to the restaurant by
arriving so early - unless she is ordering a drink and/or a
snack.
#Post#: 64656--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is it rude to be too early?
By: Aleko Date: March 20, 2021, 4:53 am
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[quote]I am the OP and I'd really like an explanation of how
being delayed through no fault of your own is not valuing the
other person's time, especially when the other person has been
notified that was the case. [/quote]
Well, you yourself say that you have a tendency to be late, so
that this friend (and all your other friends) routinely end up
waiting for you. That is, indeed, not valuing their time. If you
were normally on time for things and being late was out of
character, I’m sure she would not have been annoyed with you; as
it was, it evidently struck her as ‘ho hum, even worse than
normal’.
And in my experience (including of myself; I have often been
guilty as charged), people who routinely turn up late do so
because they calculate the time needed to get there on the basis
that the journey will run 100% smoothly. So their friends and
colleagues get used, when they turn up late, to hearing ‘Not my
fault! It was the traffic / the bus service / the long ticket
queue’, and will tend to discount any such excuses.
#Post#: 64663--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is it rude to be too early?
By: Jem Date: March 20, 2021, 9:03 am
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[quote author=baritone108 link=topic=2011.msg64647#msg64647
date=1616196075]
[quote author=Jem link=topic=2011.msg64642#msg64642
date=1616186744]
Tone can make a difference, but the OP was not telling the
friend she was going to be on time. The OP was telling the
friend she was going to be 15 minutes late. I think the friend
can rightfully be upset about that.
My time is valuable to me, and I value other people's time also.
I like to keep to a schedule and know how long things will take.
If I get someplace early, that is my decision - I don't expect
anyone to be early just because I am. But if my friend
disregards the time we agreed to meet and shows up late, yeah, I
am going to be irritated. Getting there early is ME being in
charge of how I spend my time - I can walk around, sit on a
bench, make a phone call, do whatever I want. My friend showing
up late is my friend not valuing my time.
[/quote]
I am the OP and I'd really like an explanation of how being
delayed through no fault of your own is not valuing the other
person's time, especially when the other person has been
notified that was the case. My friend had the option of saying
she understood but we would have to reschedule for another day
and I would have understood. However, saying that I didn't
value her time when I had no control over the situation sounds
unwinnable.
[/quote]
You never really told us what delayed you, just that something
did. We have no idea whether you had control over the situation,
but I agree with what Aleko said.
#Post#: 64666--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is it rude to be too early?
By: Rose Red Date: March 20, 2021, 9:40 am
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Being late once in a while is understandable. But if you're
known for being 10 minutes late all the time, the other
person(s) probably view it as you're only 5 minutes late. At
least you called.
It's good you're working on it. However it may take a while and
consistent behavior before people change their view of you
regarding time.
I have friends and family who are always late, but it doesn't
mean I love them any less. They will drop everything in the last
minute if I need them, and do nice things and that's why I'm
friends with them.
Your friend wouldn't keep making plans with you if she dislikes
your lateness. So try to let go of your misplaced anger and
guilt with *her* quirk which has nothing to do with you. She
probably shows up extra early with everyone and brings a book to
entertain herself.
#Post#: 64669--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is it rude to be too early?
By: STiG Date: March 20, 2021, 10:25 am
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An hour notice that you are going to be 15 minutes late is
perfectly reasonable, assuming it only takes the other person 15
to 30 minutes to get to the destination. Allowing an extra 15
minutes for a 15 to 30 minute trip, most people would still be
at home an hour before they were due to meet.
OP, you weren't rude, in my mind. Shit happens and you get
delayed, whether it was something you had control over or not.
Your friend just likes to be insanely early for some reason and
that's on them.
If you were my friend and were always 5 to 10 minutes late, I
would be a little annoyed but after the 3rd or 4th time, I'd
adjust my own schedule to arrive on time instead of early. If I
normally planned a 10 minute buffer in my driving time, I'd stop
allowing for the buffer, which would put us on par for arriving.
The only exception would be if it was a reservation; then I'd
likely continue to be early in order to hold it.
#Post#: 64672--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is it rude to be too early?
By: oogyda Date: March 20, 2021, 11:58 am
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I live in the middle of nowhere. By choice. Because of this, I
tend to try to group my errands and do several at the same time
when I do actually go into town and make a rough schedule of
what I can do before my appointment and what I need to do after
(buy milk or perishables). I allow adequate time for things and
often wind up with time to kill. That's on me and I know how do
that comfortably and pleasurably.
I also know my friends. Some are chronically late, some are
like me and some are predictably punctual. I tend to plan
around their idiosyncrasies as well.
Calling an hour before to let her know of your delay was great.
It's what should be expected if someone is unavoidably delayed.
I'm not sure why she mentioned that she was just pulling into
the meeting place if waiting doesn't bother her. But, I think
you might be angry at the implied pressure you feel she is
putting on you.
Let yourself off the hook for this one, since you did call, and
keep working on it at other times.
#Post#: 64678--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is it rude to be too early?
By: katiekat2009 Date: March 20, 2021, 1:05 pm
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I think, if you are meeting in a restaurant, your friend is rude
to arrive 45-1 hr early. The waiters depend on their tables
turning over for tips and, if she just sits there for an hour,
they are losing out. This wouldn't be a factor at a coffee shop
or she could sit in her car until almost time for the
appointment. You, on the other hand, why are you always late? My
sister is like this and she admitted it's her way of
"controlling the situation". She doesn't like other people
telling her what to do.
#Post#: 64680--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is it rude to be too early?
By: DaDancingPsych Date: March 20, 2021, 1:25 pm
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I agree that sitting at a table in restaurant waiting on someone
for a lengthy time is rude to the waitstaff. When I am early to
a restaurant, I will often scope out how busy they are. If
there's a wait, I may put in for a table, but for the time that
we agreed to meet. Otherwise, I will hang out at the bar
enjoying a drink, sit outside and soak up some sun, or return to
my car.
As I stated earlier, I don't expect anyone to be early like me.
However, yes, it does feel like they don't value my time if they
have a habit of being late. The stories and excuses (even if
beyond their control) do get old. That doesn't mean that I will
discontinue spending time with them, but sometimes I do adjust
how I do that.
We all have our areas that need improvement. Rather than being
annoyed by this friend's timing, maybe this is someone who you
could help you? Have a chat about how she plans for a day; she
might have some tips that you might find helpful. You certainly
don't need to adjust your ways to being 45 minutes early, but it
may be a worthwhile conversation for your personal goal.
#Post#: 64683--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is it rude to be too early?
By: kckgirl Date: March 20, 2021, 5:14 pm
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[quote author=katiekat2009 link=topic=2011.msg64678#msg64678
date=1616263504]
I think, if you are meeting in a restaurant, your friend is rude
to arrive 45-1 hr early. The waiters depend on their tables
turning over for tips and, if she just sits there for an hour,
they are losing out. This wouldn't be a factor at a coffee shop
or she could sit in her car until almost time for the
appointment. You, on the other hand, why are you always late? My
sister is like this and she admitted it's her way of
"controlling the situation". She doesn't like other people
telling her what to do.
[/quote]
I didn't get the impression that the friend was waiting at a
table keeping a wait person's time occupied with no gain. It
sounded like she was in the lobby waiting area when she went
inside.
#Post#: 64685--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is it rude to be too early?
By: TootsNYC Date: March 20, 2021, 6:16 pm
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[quote]We all have our areas that need improvement. Rather than
being annoyed by this friend's timing, maybe this is someone who
you could help you? Have a chat about how she plans for a day;
she might have some tips that you might find helpful. You
certainly don't need to adjust your ways to being 45 minutes
early, but it may be a worthwhile conversation for your personal
goal.[/quote]
Our OP is sometimes late 5 to 10 minutes; I really don't think
there's much advice that would be useful coming from someone who
consistently arrives 45 minutes early.
Personally, 5 minutes late is simply within the bounds of normal
travel. Even as a hiring manager, I don't care if an applicant
is 5 minutes late; I may not even care at 10 minutes late.
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