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#Post#: 64625--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is it rude to be too early?
By: TootsNYC Date: March 19, 2021, 1:05 pm
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No, I meant in general. Being offended or upset that someone is
on time instead of early is rude. Calling someone to say, "why
aren't you here?" when it's not time to meet, that's rude.
The friend doesn't do this in general, and this time she only
skirted that by having said, "Oh, I've already left; I'm at the
place already." She didn't go on to say, "don't be long"; she
said she would read, and seemed OK w/ our OP's lateness.
Maybe she wasn't thinking much about extra meanings, and was
just responding to her friend's (the OP's) implication that the
friend could leave later now by issuing an autopilot correction.
She may have sort of been trying to say, "being that late is now
going to be more of a problem, so don't take longer than that,"
and I think that's sort of OK, if pleasantly done, especially to
someone who is frequently late. If 12:00 often becomes 12:10,
then it's fair to worry that "15 minutes late" really means "25
minutes late," and it's OK to set a little bit of a boundary
there.
#Post#: 64627--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is it rude to be too early?
By: Aleko Date: March 19, 2021, 1:14 pm
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[quote]I can also see her saying, "What else am I going to do
with the extra 45 minutes between when I leave work and when
we're going to meet? I can't go home--there's not enough time,
and why would I anyway, to just turn around and go back. I don't
want to shop. I'll just sit and read."[/quote]
My idea exactly. And in fact if she has had a busy day at work
and a houseful of family at home I can see that as being a
thoroughly satisfactory decompression time. Or if she is one of
those people who gets acutely anxious at the mere possibility of
being late for anything, she routinely aims to have 45 minutes
in hand, just in case. Whatever. If she wants to arrive so much
earlier than the appointed time, that's her choice, and OP
needn't worry about anything except trying not to be late
herself.
#Post#: 64629--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is it rude to be too early?
By: Jem Date: March 19, 2021, 1:24 pm
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=2011.msg64625#msg64625
date=1616177130]
No, I meant in general. Being offended or upset that someone is
on time instead of early is rude. Calling someone to say, "why
aren't you here?" when it's not time to meet, that's rude.
[/quote]
I didn't realize people did this! I do think it is totally
normal to be upset or offended when people are not on time
though, especially when it is a habit.
I do think if someone is going to be late they should let the
other person know ahead of time. I don't have a problem with a
person asking where someone is if they are more than a few
minutes late. With texting it is very easy to communicate.
#Post#: 64634--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is it rude to be too early?
By: DaDancingPsych Date: March 19, 2021, 2:09 pm
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Hi! I am your friend. I am sorry that our way of doing things
angers you. My guess is that she doesn't intend to do this.
I am almost always early for things, as I hate being late. That
feeling of dealing with heavy traffic, driving around looking
for parking, realizing that I am lost... all while I know
someone is waiting on me is the worst. It bothers me so much
that it has the potential of ruining the whole day, as I can't
seem to calm down to enjoy the activity that we planned
together. So I pad my time to allow for any unexpected
developments. I am almost always the first person to arrive
somewhere and that's totally ok with me (I planned it that way.)
I know that I will be waiting for others, but again, that was my
choice. I actually plan ahead for the waiting time. I always
have some reading material in my car, but I have also been known
to go for a walk or grab a bite to eat before meeting up with
others. I will never ring your doorbell more than a few minutes
prior to the agreed upon time (I try to make it happen on the
dot), but I plan for this, too. I've typically already found a
local store with a large parking lot to sit and read so that I
am not sitting outside of your home and making you feel rushed.
Also, I don't send any messages about being there until it is
time to be there. "I found us a nice booth in the back" doesn't
get sent until a few minutes prior to the time. in fact, often
the other person is early and finds me before I even send it.
The waiting time is on me (and your friend). It was our choice
and you shouldn't feel guilty that we are doing it. Yes, I have
been in the exact situation that you described. (I was about an
hour early and pulling into the parking garage when my friend
texted to say that she was having a rough day and would be 15
minutes late. This just meant that I had an extra 15 minutes to
enjoy the sunshine at the park.) I don't get upset until the
person is truly late and hasn't updated me, but that doesn't
sound like you at all.
I just had this exact conversation with a friend last week. We
had lunch together (the first time in over a year!!!) and
because I was on my lunch break and she had the day off, I cut
it close and walked in on the dot. She was maybe two minutes
early (she usually arrives with no time to spare). This sparked
a discussion about exactly what you brought up (although she
doesn't feel anger over the situation.) But it allowed me to
explain myself and reassure her that I don't expect her to
arrive as early as I do.
I hope that I am not being rude; I never thought that I was. But
my guess is that your friend does not mean to upset you.
#Post#: 64637--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is it rude to be too early?
By: lowspark Date: March 19, 2021, 2:27 pm
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I think tone enters into what the friend's thoughts were when
she said she was just pulling into the restaurant parking lot.
Did she say it in a huffy way, like "I'm already here! Hurry
up." ? Or maybe like as a reaction, just stating a fact without
thinking?
I wouldn't get somewhere 45 min early normally, but I do tend to
arrive at least a few minutes early. So if I got that phone call
from the person I was meeting, I might say that I was already
there just as a way of saying, cool, get here when you can, I'm
here. Not as a dig.
So unless she said it in such a way as to make you feel bad, I
don't think she meant anything by it.
But as I was typing that all out, I wondered if she did say it
in that way, or if she's made comments before when you were
late, and that's what's making you question this.
#Post#: 64639--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is it rude to be too early?
By: TootsNYC Date: March 19, 2021, 3:09 pm
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[quote author=lowspark link=topic=2011.msg64637#msg64637
date=1616182079]
But as I was typing that all out, I wondered if she did say it
in that way, or if she's made comments before when you were
late, and that's what's making you question this.
[/quote]
Right?
Our OPs are always the ones hearing tone, timing, etc.
I don't like to question them on their perceptions. Our OP
didn't include anything, so that might mean there was nothing
particularly weighted (or she'd have said), but it could also
mean she felt she wasn't entitled to assume tone, etc.
Hard to know from where we are, but I agree that tone could make
a big difference.
#Post#: 64641--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is it rude to be too early? (More info.)
By: baritone108 Date: March 19, 2021, 3:42 pm
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First, thank you all for your opinions. I asked for them and I
understand them. So this is just more info to add a little
context due to interest expressed, not to change anyone's
response.
Friend and I are both retired. The restaurant we were meeting
at is about a 20 min drive from each of our houses and we were
meeting at a time when traffic would not be an issue. After
lunch our plan was to go to her home and work a jigsaw puzzle
for the afternoon.
I have a tendency (which I work on) to be 5 to 10 minutes late
for this type of thing. I already know that's rude, as I said
I'm working on it. It hasn't been a problem when meeting with
this friend for a while. I am almost always on time with her
now. Although it's not her fault, because I am trying so hard
not to be late and she is always there waiting (meaning already
seated) when I get there it does tend to make me feel like I am
late even when I'm not. (I heard you, my problem.)
Someone commented that I owed her an apology for being 15 min
late this time. I disagree. Something happened which was
entirely out of my control a little over an hour ahead of time
which was going to delay me. I gave her almost an hour's
notice. This stuff happens. Her tone of voice was such that
there was no point in the notice because she was already there.
(I do apologize when late through my own fault.)
Anyway, I see that she was not rude to me by arriving 45 min
early (I have my own feelings about whether she was rude to the
restaurant),
Thanks, again, for the input.
#Post#: 64642--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is it rude to be too early?
By: Jem Date: March 19, 2021, 3:45 pm
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=2011.msg64639#msg64639
date=1616184570]
[quote author=lowspark link=topic=2011.msg64637#msg64637
date=1616182079]
But as I was typing that all out, I wondered if she did say it
in that way, or if she's made comments before when you were
late, and that's what's making you question this.
[/quote]
Right?
Our OPs are always the ones hearing tone, timing, etc.
I don't like to question them on their perceptions. Our OP
didn't include anything, so that might mean there was nothing
particularly weighted (or she'd have said), but it could also
mean she felt she wasn't entitled to assume tone, etc.
Hard to know from where we are, but I agree that tone could make
a big difference.
[/quote]
Tone can make a difference, but the OP was not telling the
friend she was going to be on time. The OP was telling the
friend she was going to be 15 minutes late. I think the friend
can rightfully be upset about that.
My time is valuable to me, and I value other people's time also.
I like to keep to a schedule and know how long things will take.
If I get someplace early, that is my decision - I don't expect
anyone to be early just because I am. But if my friend
disregards the time we agreed to meet and shows up late, yeah, I
am going to be irritated. Getting there early is ME being in
charge of how I spend my time - I can walk around, sit on a
bench, make a phone call, do whatever I want. My friend showing
up late is my friend not valuing my time.
#Post#: 64647--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is it rude to be too early?
By: baritone108 Date: March 19, 2021, 6:21 pm
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[quote author=Jem link=topic=2011.msg64642#msg64642
date=1616186744]
Tone can make a difference, but the OP was not telling the
friend she was going to be on time. The OP was telling the
friend she was going to be 15 minutes late. I think the friend
can rightfully be upset about that.
My time is valuable to me, and I value other people's time also.
I like to keep to a schedule and know how long things will take.
If I get someplace early, that is my decision - I don't expect
anyone to be early just because I am. But if my friend
disregards the time we agreed to meet and shows up late, yeah, I
am going to be irritated. Getting there early is ME being in
charge of how I spend my time - I can walk around, sit on a
bench, make a phone call, do whatever I want. My friend showing
up late is my friend not valuing my time.
[/quote]
I am the OP and I'd really like an explanation of how being
delayed through no fault of your own is not valuing the other
person's time, especially when the other person has been
notified that was the case. My friend had the option of saying
she understood but we would have to reschedule for another day
and I would have understood. However, saying that I didn't
value her time when I had no control over the situation sounds
unwinnable.
#Post#: 64648--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is it rude to be too early?
By: pierrotlunaire0 Date: March 19, 2021, 6:37 pm
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My take is coming from someone who is more like your friend. I
am almost always early. Mostly because that is the way my father
and his family operated. It is a quirk of mine, and so my take
is that your friend has learned to enjoy her early time. Relax
after rushing, decompress a tiny bit, get a little reading done.
I would also bet you that she regularly shows up 45 minutes
early for each one of your get togethers, but until now, you
didn't know.
So she isn't sitting in judgement on your tardiness. I feel that
you are trying to get better in that regard, and that is why you
feel a little sensitive about the issue. But your friend is
probably fine. She has a routine that suits her.
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