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#Post#: 64087--------------------------------------------------
Re: We are trying to figure out why we are a little affronted
By: oogyda Date: March 1, 2021, 12:35 pm
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[quote author=gramma dishes link=topic=1995.msg64077#msg64077
date=1614611232]
[quote author=Isisnin link=topic=1995.msg64053#msg64053
date=1614529893]
...
So another option is for your daughter to donate it to a
charity. Then write the president thanking her and the coop also
stating that she happy to help as a member of the community so
she has donated the card. A note like that should nip this weird
thing in the bud.
[/quote]
The problem here is that the money came from the coop. Perhaps
the other members of the coop would object to their money being
cavalierly handed over to a charity, especially if the charity
didn't happen to be one of their own favorites.
[/quote]
While I do agree with you, OP has said the president has funds
to spend however she wants without reporting to the rest of
them. Unless there are general concerns to be raised, I
wouldn't go that route in returning or questioning
the...ahem..gift.
#Post#: 64096--------------------------------------------------
Re: We are trying to figure out why we are a little affronted
By: NyaChan Date: March 1, 2021, 8:47 pm
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On its own, it’s not a bad thing. I suspect you are reacting to
the symbolic associations. That she is somehow thinking herself
more of the owner of the building than you or the other owners
such that she is the one being done a favor and lavishly
thanking people. Also by thanking your family that way, it might
feel to you like she is saying it was an unexpected act on your
part, like you are outsiders rather than people with equal
interest to hers in keeping the building up.
I felt that way when I made my nephew a bottle and my brother in
law’s mother thanked me as if I had done some amazing feat. I’m
his aunt, why wouldn’t I make his bottle and why are you
thanking me as if I’m some stranger doing a random act of
kindness? He is as much my family as he is hers.
#Post#: 64101--------------------------------------------------
Re: We are trying to figure out why we are a little affronted
By: Isisnin Date: March 2, 2021, 7:08 am
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[quote author=gramma dishes link=topic=1995.msg64077#msg64077
date=1614611232]
[quote author=Isisnin link=topic=1995.msg64053#msg64053
date=1614529893]
...
So another option is for your daughter to donate it to a
charity. Then write the president thanking her and the coop also
stating that she happy to help as a member of the community so
she has donated the card. A note like that should nip this weird
thing in the bud.
[/quote]
The problem here is that the money came from the coop. Perhaps
the other members of the coop would object to their money being
cavalierly handed over to a charity, especially if the charity
didn't happen to be one of their own favorites.
[/quote]
The president doesn't account for the $1,000 discretionary money
so the other members of the coop don't and won't know that
Tootsnyc's daughter was given the card. Once a gift is given the
giver has no right to tell the recipient to use it. I do that
with the gifts I get that I don't like. E.g. Any gifted food I
don't like, I bring to work.
#Post#: 64106--------------------------------------------------
Re: We are trying to figure out why we are a little affronted
By: TootsNYC Date: March 2, 2021, 11:37 am
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[quote]
[quote]Quote from: TootsNYC on February 27, 2021, 02:02:59 pm
what’s the word for a non-sexual prostitute? Someone who accepts
money for their favors, for that which should be given for
nobler reasons.
[/quote]
I think the word you're looking for is mercenary, maybe?
[/quote]
Yes, I think that’s it.
[quote]
“I’m trying to see it from the President's perspective. She
doesn't know whether your DD pays you rent or not. While you see
this as a "family unit all pitching in", the President could see
it as the actual apartment owner's and the one's obligated to
help out with tasks and any one else doing so is participating
out of kindness. Or it could be that in her family, getting an
offspring to help out would be a major endeavour so seeing your
DD pitch in would just be so out of her norm.”[/quote]
This would actually make it worse. It’s not her business to
interfere in my family that way, or to make judgments about my
child.
And if you missed it—her kids DID help out a few times when
they were in high school; based on how they acted up there on
the roof with us, I don’t think they balked at the idea. And if
they did, it wouldn’t be my business, and it would NOT be my
place to try to make up for that.
As I think back to that, I do know that all the grownups on
the roof thanked them in person at that moment, though we didn’t
thank one another. The impression I have is that since they were
kids, it was a bit of a favor to us for them to come help, and I
think we felt that kids in general deserve a little extra
encouragement and appreciation from grownups (but that’s about
“how grownups should treat teens they’re not related to,” and
not “how we should make up for their parents’ imposition on
them”).
I would never have suggested a gift card, or anything beyond
that verbal appreciation.
It wouldn't surprise me if all the people up on the roof had
directly and personally said thank you to DD on the night in
question--that would feel appropriate.
And I wouldn't be bothered if the president had sent an email
saying, "I heard DD helped out--tell her thanks from the
building."
It's an interesting discussion. DD still hasn't decided what
she's going to do.
#Post#: 64211--------------------------------------------------
Re: We are trying to figure out why we are a little affronted
By: sms Date: March 5, 2021, 5:17 pm
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I'm really starting to think that we've created a monster with
expecting and pushing so.much.gratitude as the ultimate
expression of virtue and good manners. It's important - I get
it. But overkill and gushiness is embarrassing for people.
I really think we need to tone it down. When it's overdone it
seems insincere because people generally know the value of their
good deeds.
Your daughter would no doubt appreciate a sincere 'Thanks - that
is a load off my back" than a $100 gift cars for something that
was just her being part of the community.
That being said "least said soonest mended". I wouldn't return
it - she should just enjoy it. Attempting to return it will
just end up in a bit of a power play.
I think a sincere "thanks for the gift card - I will really
enjoy it but you know I live here and it wasn't necessary. I
fully intend to do my part around here. It's just what we do."
#Post#: 64223--------------------------------------------------
Re: We are trying to figure out why we are a little affronted
By: Gellchom Date: March 6, 2021, 6:31 am
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I get it. There is a way of saying or doing something nice that
sends a subtextual but very clear message of distancing or
hierarchy. Like, for example, at a meeting of a group where you
are an insider someone saying “it’s so nice to see you here”
compared to simply “it’s so nice to see you.” Hear the
difference?
That said, I like Xainte’s advice. You aren’t going to be able
to fix this completely. So I think this is the best you can do.
#Post#: 64472--------------------------------------------------
Re: We are trying to figure out why we are a little affronted
By: jpcher Date: March 13, 2021, 2:42 pm
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The gift card was a show of appreciation. Period. And should be
taken as such.
You, TootsNYC, have no idea as to whom else a gift card was give
to, correct? Do you have any clue/idea as to what the
dispensable $1,000 is going for? Maybe President chooses a
tenant (or child of a tenant) at odd times and thanks them in
the same way. I think that rewarding tenants/owners for jobs
well done is an awesome way to spend the $1,000.
I don't think that you, your DH and your DD should be offended
by being thanked in a special monetary way for a job well done.
I understand the community involvement and "we're all in this
together" thing. While a verbal thank you is very much
appreciated and all that is needed I've been known to take
someone out to dinner as a TY for something that they have done
for me. They might not have thought it was necessary, but to me
it was reciprocation for the kind deed.
I think etiquette says that DD should accept the gift card and
send a thoughtful TY note:
"Thank you for your gift card of appreciation for my part in
cleaning off the roof. I enjoy being part of this building
community and am happy to help whenever the occasion arises."
Or something like that.
In the end, I believe the gift card should be taken in the light
that it was given. A Thank You to your DD for being part of your
community.
#Post#: 64651--------------------------------------------------
Re: We are trying to figure out why we are a little affronted
By: jpcher Date: March 19, 2021, 6:53 pm
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Hi Toots -- do you have an update? What did your DD decide to do
with the gift card?
#Post#: 64794--------------------------------------------------
Re: We are trying to figure out why we are a little affronted
By: TootsNYC Date: March 23, 2021, 11:39 am
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we're all still frozen in indecision, LOL. Turns out my son got
one too.
#Post#: 64797--------------------------------------------------
Re: We are trying to figure out why we are a little affronted
By: Hmmm Date: March 23, 2021, 11:49 am
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1995.msg64794#msg64794
date=1616517548]
we're all still frozen in indecision, LOL. Turns out my son got
one too.
[/quote]
Was your DS's gift card for this time or a previous one?
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