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#Post#: 64048--------------------------------------------------
Re: We are trying to figure out why we are a little affronted
By: Nikko-chan Date: February 28, 2021, 8:01 am
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Your daughter is 26 and a grown adult. She is also a member of
your household and just pitched in on something that needed
done, to serve the household. That it serves the wider members
of the community is neither here nor there.
It is icky that she was the only one given this gift, and to me
reeks of an older person seeing a young person helping out, and
thinking 'Oh dear I'd better get them a token of appreciation or
they'll never help out again!' when in fact that is not the
case.
It also feels as if they are infantilizing her in a way, which
is not okay.
Have daughter send the gift card back with a small note.
Something like "I don't need this for helping out, its my home
too."
Other brimstoners will have better wording i am sure, but the
point your daughter wants to convey here is a polite "I live
here too, of course i would help out, its absurd you think i
wouldn't and its even more absurd that you think i need
compensated monetarily"
#Post#: 64051--------------------------------------------------
Re: We are trying to figure out why we are a little affronted
By: Aleko Date: February 28, 2021, 9:21 am
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My immediate feeling is that that kind of money is waaay over
the top for a gesture of appreciation. And whose money is it,
exactly? If it is co-op money, she surely has no right
whatsoever to splash it around in that way. If it's her own,
then yes: IMO she is acting like the landowner.
But even if it were only a $5 gift card for coffee, and even if
she were authorised to make such gifts as part of her role, I
still don't like it. Toots' daughter helped out, which is all
very praiseworthy, but there's no suggestion that she did any
more than a number of other people have done. Why should she get
special treatment? It's not good when people get given rewards
just for being 'the person the boss saw doing the thing the only
time s/he came by'.
#Post#: 64053--------------------------------------------------
Re: We are trying to figure out why we are a little affronted
By: Isisnin Date: February 28, 2021, 10:31 am
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It hit me that if a similar thing occurred between me, someone
staying with me, and a neighbor, I really wouldn't like it at
all. Thinking of it in this context, I'd definitely be upset and
insulted, as, probably, my guest would too.
E.g., While a someone is staying with me (really doesn't matter
their relationship to me), it snows (little or lot, again
doesn't matter). We grab shovels, shovel my property and the
sidewalk I am responsible for. Still having some energy, we
shovel out a neighbor. The neighbor gives my guest a gift card.
My guest would totally be "W'ha the ...?", "what is this? why? I
was just chipping in. Why?"
I'd be "Wait." "What?" "I'm the host, not the neighbor."
Yeah, not right.
Gift cards are usually not returnable. She would have to put it
aside until she found an opportunity to use it on behalf of the
building.
So another option is for your daughter to donate it to a
charity. Then write the president thanking her and the coop also
stating that she happy to help as a member of the community so
she has donated the card. A note like that should nip this weird
thing in the bud.
#Post#: 64068--------------------------------------------------
Re: We are trying to figure out why we are a little affronted
By: LifeOnPluto Date: March 1, 2021, 4:39 am
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[quote author=Nikko-chan link=topic=1995.msg64048#msg64048
date=1614520864]
It is icky that she was the only one given this gift, and to me
reeks of an older person seeing a young person helping out, and
thinking 'Oh dear I'd better get them a token of appreciation or
they'll never help out again!' when in fact that is not the
case.
It also feels as if they are infantilizing her in a way, which
is not okay.
[/quote]
I had a similar thought. It sounds like the board president
still thinks of your daughter as a new adult, wet behind the
ears, just starting out in the world, needing a 'leg up' and
some financial encouragement. I can see how that comes across as
a bit patronising.
Some posters have suggested your daughter returns the gift card.
Another idea might be for your daughter to spend part or all of
the gift card on something the whole complex can enjoy. Is there
a communal space where she could leave a nice fruit basket (or
something), and a note that briefly explains that she wants to
share the benefit of the gift card with her neighbours, and to
please help yourself, etc?
In the longer term, it might not hurt to impress upon the board
president that your daughter is a fully fledged adult, and has
been for some time. Maybe you could casually drop into
conversations little facts like "Daughter is going to be 27
soon!" or "Daughter just got a promotion at work and is now
supervising a team of five people". Things that emphasise that
she's not a kid anymore.
#Post#: 64076--------------------------------------------------
Re: We are trying to figure out why we are a little affronted
By: DaDancingPsych Date: March 1, 2021, 9:04 am
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I wonder if the president is aware that your daughter is living
within the building? It is certainly strange to gift a resident
for doing the work of a resident, but I could see wanting to
thank an outsider for their help. I do think $100 is a bit much
for a one time deed and for that kind of money, the board may
even be able to pay for added help. But I imagine that the
president's actions come from a good place, even if they missed
the mark.
What happens when someone slides on their duties? What if
someone is out of town, is ill, or refuses to care for their
area of the building? My guess is that it becomes the board
president's problem to figure out what to do. We've all been the
leader on something and know how tiring it can be to keep on
people who are letting their responsibilities slide. So I
wondering if the thank you's that you are getting are in
appreciation that you are a good resident who cares for the
assigned duties without any additional persuasion? I can
understand how the over thanking could become annoying, but I
can imagine the president truly appreciating not only the work
that you do, but how you do it.
I would probably suggest that daughter approach president and
express how (and why) the gift card is not necessary.
#Post#: 64077--------------------------------------------------
Re: We are trying to figure out why we are a little affronted
By: gramma dishes Date: March 1, 2021, 9:07 am
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[quote author=Isisnin link=topic=1995.msg64053#msg64053
date=1614529893]
...
So another option is for your daughter to donate it to a
charity. Then write the president thanking her and the coop also
stating that she happy to help as a member of the community so
she has donated the card. A note like that should nip this weird
thing in the bud.
[/quote]
The problem here is that the money came from the coop. Perhaps
the other members of the coop would object to their money being
cavalierly handed over to a charity, especially if the charity
didn't happen to be one of their own favorites.
#Post#: 64079--------------------------------------------------
Re: We are trying to figure out why we are a little affronted
By: Lilipons Date: March 1, 2021, 10:06 am
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We live in a co-op too. If I recall properly, Toots NYC and I
live in the same neighborhood. However, our situations are
quite different.
Our co-op is quite large (70+ units) and the number of shares we
can vote varies with the value of the unit. A three-bedroom
apartment will pay more maintenance and vote more shares than a
studio.
We elect board members but don’t have a board president. We
have an annual meeting and, when certain issues come up, we will
vote our shares.
Also, because of our size, we engage a management company. We
pay our monthly maintenance charges into an account with them
and they engage people to do landscaping, cleaning of the public
spaces, snow removal and the like.
It would be considered very odd for a family member of a
tenant/owner to take on a particular task unless that person
volunteered because of a special skill set. We certainly
wouldn’t expect to receive a gift card in compensation.
#Post#: 64082--------------------------------------------------
Re: We are trying to figure out why we are a little affronted
By: lowspark Date: March 1, 2021, 10:41 am
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1995.msg64034#msg64034
date=1614456179]
what’s the word for a non-sexual prostitute? Someone who
accepts money for their favors, for that which should be given
for nobler reasons.
[/quote]
I think you word you're looking for is mercenary, maybe?
[quote author=Nikko-chan link=topic=1995.msg64048#msg64048
date=1614520864]
It also feels as if they are infantilizing her in a way, which
is not okay.
[/quote]
This was my thought.
I'm one who thanks people for doing things they're already
supposed to do. It's a polite acknowledgement that you
appreciate what they did. Yes, even it it's expected that they
do it. For example, I'm SME on a particular app within my
organization. On any given day, I'll be fielding questions on
the app and at least 90% of the time the person I help thanks
me. Yeah, it's part of my job to help these people. But it's
nice to hear a thank you! And the reverse is true. I always
thank people within my organization or household for doing the
things they are supposed to do anyway.
In this case, I would probably return the card and say something
like, "That's ok, just doing my best to pitch in, just like all
the other adult building residents. I don't deserve this more
than any other resident."
#Post#: 64083--------------------------------------------------
Re: We are trying to figure out why we are a little affronted
By: Hmmm Date: March 1, 2021, 10:56 am
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I would be bothered by this, too. When reading, I was expecting
to be something like your DD did all or the majority of an
activity without other's helping out. In that case, I could see
the board giving her a thank you.
I'm trying to see it from the President's perspective. She
doesn't know whether your DD pays you rent or not. While you see
this as a "family unit all pitching in", the President could see
it as the actual apartment owner's and the one's obligated to
help out with tasks and any one else doing so is participating
out of kindness. Or it could be that in her family, getting an
offspring to help out would be a major endeavour so seeing your
DD pitch in would just be so out of her norm.
If I were your DD, I would send the card back with Lowspark's
wording. Or she can take the card a buy a nice flower bouquet to
put in the lobby for all the residents to enjoy.
#Post#: 64084--------------------------------------------------
Re: We are trying to figure out why we are a little affronted
By: Jem Date: March 1, 2021, 11:12 am
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[quote author=DaDancingPsych link=topic=1995.msg64076#msg64076
date=1614611040]
But I imagine that the president's actions come from a good
place, even if they missed the mark.
...
I would probably suggest that daughter appropriate president and
express how (and why) the gift card is not necessary.
[/quote]
I agree with this. If I am understanding correctly, everyone
lives in the same building. I don't think it is productive to
attempt to "shame" the president or make a big deal of being
offended when I don't think there is evidence that malice was
intended. I think such a response would make things awkward for
everyone.
I agree with DaDancingPsych and also the poster(s) who suggested
using the gift card for something for the building along with
telling the president that gift cards are not necessary going
forward.
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