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#Post#: 64066--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: Raintree Date: February 28, 2021, 10:49 pm
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[quote author=silversurfer link=topic=1994.msg64064#msg64064
date=1614568834]
I think the fact that you were reading it, then also the group
was discussing it when you were not reading it, might have
tipped the host over the edge. I mean reading to yourself is one
thing, but if you were then referencing it in conversation, that
could have been overkill.
[/quote]
That's an interesting point of view. I don't think I went on and
on about the content of the book or anything. I thought it was
sort of normal to talk about what you're reading, the last movie
you saw, etc., especially if it's something that's been
prominent in the news or popular culture.
#Post#: 64067--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: Raintree Date: February 28, 2021, 10:55 pm
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[quote author=oogyda link=topic=1994.msg64007#msg64007
date=1614359135]
I have a question for the OP. What are you hoping to
accomplish with your apology?
[/quote]
I don't know. What does anyone ever hope to accomplish with an
apology? Let it be known you didn't mean to offend someone,
acknowledge that while you may not have realized your behaviour
was hurtful or offensive, it still did hurt or offend and for
that you feel badly, and that based on the incident you will
think harder about your actions going forward.
It's certainly not to procure another invite to the cabin, if
that's what you are getting at. I couldn't care less about the
cabin. It was nice to be invited but it wouldn't be
life-changing if they decided not to invite me ever again. But
best outcome would be for us to see eye-to-eye again and be able
to get together in groups again, and be friendly without it
being awkward. If that didn't happen then at least for them to
know that I didn't mean to be a horrible guest.
#Post#: 64069--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: oogyda Date: March 1, 2021, 5:08 am
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[quote author=Raintree link=topic=1994.msg64067#msg64067
date=1614574523]
[quote author=oogyda link=topic=1994.msg64007#msg64007
date=1614359135]
I have a question for the OP. What are you hoping to
accomplish with your apology?
[/quote]
I don't know. What does anyone ever hope to accomplish with an
apology? Let it be known you didn't mean to offend someone,
acknowledge that while you may not have realized your behaviour
was hurtful or offensive, it still did hurt or offend and for
that you feel badly, and that based on the incident you will
think harder about your actions going forward.
It's certainly not to procure another invite to the cabin, if
that's what you are getting at. I couldn't care less about the
cabin. It was nice to be invited but it wouldn't be
life-changing if they decided not to invite me ever again. But
best outcome would be for us to see eye-to-eye again and be able
to get together in groups again, and be friendly without it
being awkward. If that didn't happen then at least for them to
know that I didn't mean to be a horrible guest.
[/quote]
Your first paragraph sounds good as it it written.
Very often a person will attempt to explain their actions while
giving an apology. Much like you've explained them to us here.
Most often that ends up just sounding like a bunch of excuses to
the ones deserving an apology and ultimately it becomes a
non-apology. The typical "I'm sorry, BUT...."
Edited to add a couple more thoughts:
One of your stated goals is to "see eye-to-eye again". As long
as you think you did nothing wrong and they think you did,
seeing eye-to-eye again is impossible. Gathering as a group
without awkwardness seems like a pipe dream as well since most
of the group is aware of the discord.
I do think it was wrong of Andrea to pass the information along
to you. Whether the host couple meant for that to happen or
not. I've been in that position and have passed along the words
of one to another. Many times feeling like I was intended to
and many times feeling like I would be helping at least one of
the parties do the right or desired thing. I learned not to
fool myself. I was only letting myself be used and set up to be
a scapegoat. If host couple has a problem with you, they should
address with you themselves. If they can't do that (for some
reason), they can suck up whatever behavior riles them.
#Post#: 64129--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: Gellchom Date: March 3, 2021, 3:16 pm
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[quote]I probably read more than I thought I did. I probably
read during conversations. (But I mean, there was Bill who is
obsessed with his new widget, and I've already heard all about
the widget multiple times because I'm in contact with Bill quite
frequently, so maybe I read during the widget talk).[/quote]
I think you said it yourself right there. Reading during
conversations, especially in this situation (first visit to
these people, not your own close family where things can be more
relaxed) was rude. I’m sure it was very tedious to listen to the
widget talk yet again. But justified or not, it’s rude to
indicate that you find people’s conversation boring by opening a
book while they’re talking.
That and the report that came back to you that you were
perceived as treating their hospitality as your own private spa
are indicators that you didn’t hit the right balance this time.
Next time, I’m sure you will!
#Post#: 64163--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: pierrotlunaire0 Date: March 4, 2021, 1:34 pm
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When visiting family, I am often reading or on the computer. But
this is my family, and they know I have been like that my entire
life. Which is why I am very careful when around friends because
I know how easy it is for me to become so engaged in what I am
reading that I have no idea what is happening around me. So, in
your situation, I would have been careful to only read my book
when in bed at night.
On the other hand, your friends sound a bit much. They
unfriended you on FB over this? They complained to a mutual
friend about you knowing that it had to get back to you? I would
consider that a boon.
So maybe you read a little ore than you should have. But they
overreacted in my opinion.
#Post#: 64855--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: velly j Date: March 24, 2021, 3:51 pm
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I'm late to this but I think that the hosts vastly overreacted.
I wouldn't apologise and I don't think that you were rude at
all. To the people who think the OP was rude, are you fine with
the way the host couple behaved?
#Post#: 64863--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: Gellchom Date: March 25, 2021, 5:20 am
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[quote author=velly j link=topic=1994.msg64855#msg64855
date=1616619069]
I'm late to this but I think that the hosts vastly overreacted.
I wouldn't apologise and I don't think that you were rude at
all. To the people who think the OP was rude, are you fine with
the way the host couple behaved?
[/quote]
It does seem like an overreaction on their part. But their
behavior wasn't the question.
#Post#: 64864--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: velly j Date: March 25, 2021, 5:24 am
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[quote author=Gellchom link=topic=1994.msg64863#msg64863
date=1616667616]
[quote author=velly j link=topic=1994.msg64855#msg64855
date=1616619069]
I'm late to this but I think that the hosts vastly overreacted.
I wouldn't apologise and I don't think that you were rude at
all. To the people who think the OP was rude, are you fine with
the way the host couple behaved?
[/quote]
It does seem like an overreaction on their part. But their
behavior wasn't the question.
[/quote]
I don't know, I think that their behaviour is relevant even if
it wasn't explicitly asked about. If they had said something to
OP at the time, I would still feel that they were in the wrong
and oversensitive, but I could respect it. But to complain
behind OP's back and then unfriend her seems to me to be the
height of passive agressiveness. If I were OP, I would consider
myself well rid of them. I don't care to be friends with people
who are so petty and underhand.
#Post#: 64865--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: Kimberami Date: March 25, 2021, 7:53 am
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I always bring a book on vacation. I don't think anyone should
be expected to socialize every waking hour of a visit.
#Post#: 64908--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: Gellchom Date: March 26, 2021, 12:00 pm
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[quote author=Kimpossible link=topic=1994.msg64865#msg64865
date=1616676828]
I always bring a book on vacation. I don't think anyone should
be expected to socialize every waking hour of a visit.
[/quote]
So do most people, I would think. I do, too. But there is a
lot of space between "every waking hour of a visit" and what
seems to have happened here. I think it's really commendable
that she is carefully reviewing the circumstances and weighing
whether she hit the sweet spot. In my opinion, in a situation
like this, where you are a house guest of someone you aren't
super close with (like your parent or sibling), for only a short
stay, the sweet spot would be to save reading (or listening to
something on headphones, or reading emails, etc.) for when you
are alone or when everyone is pretty much doing that -- like, if
you are all lying on beach chairs snoozing or reading.
And certainly it's okay to discuss the hosts' behavior, too.
But it was after the fact, so it really doesn't affect the
evaluation of her own behavior. That is, whether or not she is
well rid of them, it doesn't weigh into her self examination.
I'm not sure it ever should.
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