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#Post#: 63994--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: Raintree Date: February 25, 2021, 5:27 pm
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To clarify, I was not leaving it till the last minute to get
ready. I was ready to go do something, my jacket and backpack
neatly put aside to grab on the way out, but politely (I
thought) waiting for others to decide it was time to go. In fact
I wondered why it was taking till 1 PM to get out of there, as
the weekend was kind of billed as "hiking, biking, etc" from the
cabin during the day and hang out at the cabin in the evenings.
It was also kind of billed as "chill, do whatever you want." But
I didn't want to dictate how things were going and since there
seemed to be no particular plan once there, I read while others
milled about doing their thing - such as, Ella is in the shower,
Louise is upstairs trying to sort out whatever one sorts out in
a bedroom, Andrea is looking for shoes, Bill and James are
discussing that new widget, and while this is all happening
people are talking to whoever happens to be in the same room as
them. I'm on the deck with my book after spending the morning
talking to everyone on the deck, and everyone else has got up to
do those things I described.
#Post#: 63996--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: sandisadie Date: February 25, 2021, 6:39 pm
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I'm old so maybe I'm old fashioned but I think pulling out a
book and reading when in a group of people who are not reading
is off-putting. I'm a big reader and I always bring at least
one book when I'm on a trip. But I don't read it unless I'm
alone. I feel the same way about people having their phone up
in their face when in a group such as is described. Perhaps if
at some point everyone goes about their business separately then
one could escape to the patio and read until some activity
begins with all or most of the group. But reading, and
interacting with members of the group at the same time ?- no.
#Post#: 64002--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: lowspark Date: February 26, 2021, 10:02 am
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[quote author=Raintree link=topic=1994.msg63993#msg63993
date=1614295230]
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1994.msg63987#msg63987
date=1614291280]
If you were playing Candy Crush, that would be less rude to me,
because it doesn't take the "words" portion of your brain; it's
more visual patterns.
[/quote]
Funny, I would think playing Candy Crush would be far more rude.
I don't know why.
[/quote]
I agree. Although I admit I've been guilty of yanking out my
cell phone in a moment of, well, I won't say boredom, but maybe
disinterest, I find the use of electronics for more than maybe a
second or two, in a social situation, to be rude. (I've been
rude, I know!)
But it is an interesting comparison. Book or video game...
probably equivalent. Video game worse, though, if you don't
silence the sound effects. But either way, your full attention
is required as opposed to something like knitting which people
often do mindlessly while also participating in social
interaction.
#Post#: 64003--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: STiG Date: February 26, 2021, 10:09 am
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I find playing a game worse, if it is a timed or staged one.
You address a person playing a game and get, 'One sec while I
finish this stage/time runs out.' Annoys me no end. *cough* DH
*cough* Someone reading can usually mark their place with a
finger and engage easily. Same with most crafting, which have
the added benefit that you can still engage while working, if it
is something mindless.
#Post#: 64005--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: Jem Date: February 26, 2021, 11:02 am
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[quote author=lowspark link=topic=1994.msg64002#msg64002
date=1614355362]
[quote author=Raintree link=topic=1994.msg63993#msg63993
date=1614295230]
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1994.msg63987#msg63987
date=1614291280]
If you were playing Candy Crush, that would be less rude to me,
because it doesn't take the "words" portion of your brain; it's
more visual patterns.
[/quote]
Funny, I would think playing Candy Crush would be far more rude.
I don't know why.
[/quote]
I agree. Although I admit I've been guilty of yanking out my
cell phone in a moment of, well, I won't say boredom, but maybe
disinterest, I find the use of electronics for more than maybe a
second or two, in a social situation, to be rude. (I've been
rude, I know!)
But it is an interesting comparison. Book or video game...
probably equivalent. Video game worse, though, if you don't
silence the sound effects. But either way, your full attention
is required as opposed to something like knitting which people
often do mindlessly while also participating in social
interaction.
[/quote]
The green is the issue, I think. Different people do different
things mindlessly. There is nothing inherently more rude about
electronic distractions than paper distractions. There is
nothing inherently more rude about doing pushups than knitting.
All of these activities can be done "mindlessly while also
participating in social interaction" by some people, but
probably not by others.
I am not saying anyone is rude, exactly, just that different
people will feel differently about what is rude and there is no
black and white answer. I think a lot of people make value
judgments based on which activities they personally enjoy when
there is not really a universal barometer of which activities
are antisocial.
#Post#: 64006--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: Jem Date: February 26, 2021, 11:04 am
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[quote author=STiG link=topic=1994.msg64003#msg64003
date=1614355791]
I find playing a game worse, if it is a timed or staged one.
You address a person playing a game and get, 'One sec while I
finish this stage/time runs out.' Annoys me no end. *cough* DH
*cough* Someone reading can usually mark their place with a
finger and engage easily. Same with most crafting, which have
the added benefit that you can still engage while working, if it
is something mindless.
[/quote]
I am not disagreeing with you, exactly, but my understanding is
that some "gamers" largely socialize while gaming so to them
they are able to engage in socializing while gaming even when
others are not. I probably would find this rude, but then again,
I don't play video games/gaming and never have. This goes to my
argument that what is considered "rude" or "antisocial" will
vary depending on what an individual values and their personal
experience.
#Post#: 64007--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: oogyda Date: February 26, 2021, 11:05 am
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I have a question for the OP. What are you hoping to
accomplish with your apology?
#Post#: 64018--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: LifeOnPluto Date: February 26, 2021, 9:50 pm
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OP, I don't think you were rude at all! It sounds like you
mostly read while everyone was 'faffing' around doing their own
thing, and getting ready.
I also think it's unreasonable of the hosts to expect everyone
to be joined at the hip and actively engaging with each other
24/7. They should have understood that people need a bit of
downtime, especially given the event took place over an entire
weekend.
Even if you did come across as stand-offish, their reactions
seem pretty extreme. Bitching about you to a third party (who
they likely knew would tell you)? Defriending you from Facebook?
It just seems quite petty to me. I know you said you weren't
close friends, but you were still close enough to be invited -
so going the nuclear option and ending the friendship like that
just seems over the top. I certainly wouldn't be apologising to
them if I were you.
#Post#: 64025--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: Gellchom Date: February 27, 2021, 6:36 am
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Several posters contend that it can’t have been rude because
reading is a normal activity on a cabin weekend, and/or that
hosts should always provide downtime and not insist on
everyone being together.
Both are valid points of view.
But if the hosts of this (or any) trip do plan for and expect it
to be all together, all the time, then that’s what they’ve
planned, and I think the guests don’t have to like or agree with
it, but they should go along with it, just as they would a meal
that’s offered. It doesn’t matter who is “right” about the best
way to host, if there even is such a thing. Or like if the
group decides to play a game or go on a hike — it wouldn’t be
nice to say, “no, thanks, I’d rather read my book.” The
unspoken end to that can sound to others like “...than interact
with you,” not just “...because I don’t like games/hiking,” and
even that isn’t great, because it’s sort of rejecting their
entertainment of you as a guest (like, you would pay attention
to them rather than read if they’d come up with something
better). (I have a cousin who declares she is the easiest one,
because she is happy just to withdraw and read her book if she
doesn’t like the activity, even up to almost the whole visit.
No one argues, but we sort of laugh in our sleeves, because
everyone else thinks she is the most difficult, because the
whole point of the outing is to be together, so we are all
always struggling to find something that will please her enough
to join us. I adore her, and I love to read as much as she
does, but I wish she would learn to be a good sport sometimes.)
It doesn’t have to be 100% of the time — a guest can politely
say, “I’m a little tired - I’m going to go lie down for a bit”
and then go to their room and read. That has a different feel
than pulling out a book right in the middle of a group.
It’s obviously a matter of degree. I think we would all agree
that it’s fine to sit on the porch with your book before the
others have woken up in the morning or are napping or reading,
too, and that it would be rude to read the entire weekend or to
pull out your book in the middle of a group meal or
conversation.
The point is to make sure you aren’t giving the message that
they are boring you and aren’t as interesting as your book.
This is especially true when you’re invited to a situation like
this where it can come across as being interested only in their
cabin, not their company.
It’s important to hit the right balance, and I still feel like
the important clues that maybe you didn’t quite is their
reaction and your own nagging sense about it.
I don’t think it was terrible, though, and I hope you don’t feel
too bad! Do you think it will make you feel better to reach out
to them?
#Post#: 64064--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: silversurfer Date: February 28, 2021, 9:20 pm
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I think what stuck out for me in the OP was this line
"I still joined in conversations (or so I thought), and it was a
book about current events that was big in the news and just
published, so at various points I brought up stuff from the book
and I recall some lively discussion around it amongst my
friends."
I think the fact that you were reading it, then also the group
was discussing it when you were not reading it, might have
tipped the host over the edge. I mean reading to yourself is one
thing, but if you were then referencing it in conversation, that
could have been overkill.
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