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#Post#: 63979--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: Jem Date: February 25, 2021, 2:16 pm
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[quote author=QueenFaninCA link=topic=1994.msg63976#msg63976
date=1614281069]
[quote author=Raintree link=topic=1994.msg63944#msg63944
date=1614244848]
I still joined in conversations (or so I thought), and it was a
book about current events that was big in the news and just
published, so at various points I brought up stuff from the book
and I recall some lively discussion around it amongst my
friends.
[/quote]
You think you joined the conversations. But I think you might
have been reading more than you should have. If people are
sitting together having a conversation I think it is rude to
read a book. If everyone is doing something by themselves, it's
fine to read, but when everyone is chatting, I put my book away.
[/quote]
Yes, I agree. Substitute "book" with "video game" or "Tinder" or
"doing pushups" or "[insert activity that some people can do
while also socializing but many people would find anti-social]."
#Post#: 63982--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: lowspark Date: February 25, 2021, 2:56 pm
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This kind of thing is really subjective.
I went on a retreat weekend with a group of friends a couple of
years ago. Some of us knew each other better than others so it
was a mix. But the vibe was for everyone to do whatever they
felt like. Some wanted to go for a walk, some wanted to nap,
some wanted to read, some wanted to hang out and talk, etc. At
any given time, we might all be together doing the same thing or
not. And it was cool no matter what. That's what made the trip
really perfect - everyone got to do their own thing.
In the trip you describe, it seems like there was more of an
expectation of the group doing most things as a group. It might
have been ok for you to read when everyone was getting their
shoes on for the walk, for example, but maybe not so much when
there was group conversation going on. Even though you say you
participated in the talk, it might still have been perceived as
a snub to be reading while the rest of the group was talking.
It might not have been obvious to you, and I don't think what
you did was terrible. But I can see the hosts' point of view.
And I can also see that if they didn't know you very well, they
might not have been comfortable saying anything to you.
I'm not sure what you can really do about it now. It seems like
a lot of time has passed and I would think it quite awkward if
you went out of your way to bring it up now. It might feel like
you were fishing for another invitation. Maybe if you run into
James and/or Louise in a social situation, you might bring it up
and just say that it occurred to you that your attention to your
book might have been misinterpreted and that it was just the
norm for trips you'd been on before. But I wouldn't say much
more than that.
#Post#: 63983--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: Raintree Date: February 25, 2021, 3:03 pm
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[quote author=oogyda link=topic=1994.msg63946#msg63946
date=1614252723]
How is Andrea going to feel about you letting the hosts know she
repeated to you the negative things they said about you? If you
send an apology, that is what you will be doing.
[/quote]
Andrea said it would be ok. And I also have to think they'd know
it was going to be repeated, since I'm close to Andrea. It's
almost like they wanted to let me know without being direct with
me.
#Post#: 63984--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: Raintree Date: February 25, 2021, 3:04 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Gellchom link=topic=1994.msg63950#msg63950
date=1614255188]
I agree that reading is a lovely cabin activity. But if they
were that offended, maybe you were ignoring them too much and it
felt to them like they were being used to provide a retreat for
you to read rather than socialize with them. As in, what you
wanted was the cabin, not them.
[/quote]
I'm guessing that was how it was seen, though that wasn't my
intent, so I am going to have to watch for that going forward.
Lesson definitely learned!
#Post#: 63985--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: Raintree Date: February 25, 2021, 3:10 pm
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[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=1994.msg63960#msg63960
date=1614268345]
I'm not clear on the situation. We're you reading during group
activities and chatting, or only when everybody else was running
around getting ready?
[/quote]
I'm trying to remember now. Definitely there were times I was by
myself on the deck while one person may have been in the shower,
someone else looking for their shoes, people milling about, guy
showing other guy his new power tool, etc., ie people doing
different things. I believe my reading may have extended into
times everyone else was talking to each other in that way but
not sitting down together. But I may have been reading more than
I remember. If I was ignoring everyone I wasn't aware I was
doing it, anyway. I feel bad now how it was perceived and I will
change my behaviour next time I'm in that situation.
#Post#: 63986--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: Raintree Date: February 25, 2021, 3:31 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I appreciate all the thoughts. (Including ABL who went totally
on the side of "reading not rude.") I guess it's middle of the
road. I probably read more than I thought I did. I probably read
during conversations. (But I mean, there was Bill who is
obsessed with his new widget, and I've already heard all about
the widget multiple times because I'm in contact with Bill quite
frequently, so maybe I read during the widget talk). I perhaps
didn't perceive that the widget talk was supposed to include me.
Also I find that in groups, I usually can't get a word in
edgewise anyway - I open my mouth to speak and someone else is
already talking, and then I don't want to interrupt THEM. Or I
start to say something and it's like nobody noticed and the
conversation continues around me. I often just give up trying to
give my input. So even if my book was not open, I may have just
been sitting there quietly nodding or whatever so that at the
end of the weekend James and Louise didn't remember much of me
talking? Though I'm not particularly shy and I do recall
mingling and chatting too.
Anyway, I do want to say something but I guess I won't be
gushingly apologetic, just say something like, "Hey, I didn't
mean to leave that impression, sorry, I just come from a family
where this was a normal thing and it never crossed my mind.
Maybe I spent more time reading than I thought I did." Or
something. And I will convey somehow that I am not fishing for
another invite because I'm honestly not.
#Post#: 63987--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: TootsNYC Date: February 25, 2021, 4:14 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I think it could easily be rude.
And what would make a difference for me would be how well I know
the people. If I don't know the people well, I think I should be
spending my energy on them.
And also--are you reading while you're in the group? That's kind
of rude. To me, reading is the kind of thing that takes your
attention fully away, and especially does so in a way that makes
it hard for you to interact with others, and it intimidates
others from interrupting you. If you were playing Candy Crush,
that would be less rude to me, because it doesn't take the
"words" portion of your brain; it's more visual patterns.
I dislike when people are reading while the rest of us are
getting ready to go--we might be ready at any time, and I'd want
you to be able to go then. Plus, if we're done getting ready,
and you put your book down--are you going to need to get ready
now too?
If you brought a book and said, "I'm going to take a break," I'd
understand it as a brief "decompression" time.
I'm a big reader, so it's not that I don't value reading.
#Post#: 63990--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: TootsNYC Date: February 25, 2021, 4:17 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Jem link=topic=1994.msg63979#msg63979
date=1614284162]
[quote author=QueenFaninCA link=topic=1994.msg63976#msg63976
date=1614281069]
[quote author=Raintree link=topic=1994.msg63944#msg63944
date=1614244848]
I still joined in conversations (or so I thought), and it was a
book about current events that was big in the news and just
published, so at various points I brought up stuff from the book
and I recall some lively discussion around it amongst my
friends.
[/quote]
You think you joined the conversations. But I think you might
have been reading more than you should have. If people are
sitting together having a conversation I think it is rude to
read a book. If everyone is doing something by themselves, it's
fine to read, but when everyone is chatting, I put my book away.
[/quote]
Yes, I agree. Substitute "book" with "video game" or "Tinder" or
"doing pushups" or "[insert activity that some people can do
while also socializing but many people would find anti-social]."
[/quote]
Someone brought up knitting--that and some of these other
activities are things that involve a different part of the brain
than conversation does.
However, reading, to me, involves the SAME part of the brain
as conversation. And so it is more disruptive to the idea of
having a conversation.
#Post#: 63992--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: TurtleIScream Date: February 25, 2021, 5:12 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I would have said you were definitely not rude. Reading is a
weekend getaway activity!
But, people are notoriously bad about underestimating how long
it takes for them to do something, and equally bad about
overestimating how long it takes for others to do something. So,
you’re reading while Joe gets his shoes on, Linda’s grabbing a
sweater, and Jack is packing up some snacks and drinks. Joe’s
thinking, “I just need 30 seconds to get my shoes, but Linda’s
making us wait.” Linda’s thinking, “it will take me 5 seconds to
grab my sweater, why is Jack wasting time packing snacks? We’re
going out to eat!” And they’re all thinking, “we’re getting
ready to go, and Raintree has just been sitting there reading
for the last 15 minutes!” It’s unfair, but part of the reality
of hanging out in a group.
So, I would say as a general rule, you should have been fine.
You just didn’t read the room well this time.
#Post#: 63993--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: Raintree Date: February 25, 2021, 5:20 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1994.msg63987#msg63987
date=1614291280]
If you were playing Candy Crush, that would be less rude to me,
because it doesn't take the "words" portion of your brain; it's
more visual patterns.
[/quote]
Funny, I would think playing Candy Crush would be far more rude.
I don't know why.
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