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#Post#: 63944--------------------------------------------------
Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: Raintree Date: February 25, 2021, 3:20 am
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(This is the summer before last, before COVID). I am quite
mortified that I seem to have offended my hosts.
The question I will ask: Was it rude of me to read my book?
A couple I know (James and Louise) have a cabin in a lovely
setting.
The background: I have known them for over a decade, not super
well, but they are in a mutual friend group. We all used to do
fairly frequent weekend trips together before life got in the
way for most of us.
They invited people from that group to come and stay for a
weekend. Four of us accepted. I know the other guests very well
(more than James and Louise); we've stayed in touch, but it had
been a few years since I'd seen James and Louise. We're all
friends on Facebook and have interacted there regularly. I had
never been to this cabin before.
I brought a book. I'm not a voracious reader but this seemed
like just the sort of place where you'd read a book. The weekend
consisted of quite a bit of lounging on their lovely deck,
eating, chatting, having drinks, people coming and going to have
their showers or lie in the hammock or get more coffee or
whatever. Then we would all go for a walk, come back, and more
of the same. Just relaxing. I read quite a bit of my book.
In my family, hanging out at a cabin, it would have been
perfectly normal for everyone to at some point be buried in a
book with others chatting around them, so it never occurred to
me at the time that I was being rude by reading.
I still joined in conversations (or so I thought), and it was a
book about current events that was big in the news and just
published, so at various points I brought up stuff from the book
and I recall some lively discussion around it amongst my
friends. I didn't read the whole time. Mostly when everyone else
was futzing around doing this or that. I did try to help with
things like washing dishes but was told to leave it because of
some water issue that meant it had to be done a certain way, and
asked if I could be of help when people seemed to be cleaning
up, but everything seemed to be under control. When I'm in
someone else's house I am never really sure what I should be
doing to help so if they say "Nah, it's all right" I take them
at their word. I do remember engaging in group conversations on
the deck and talking one-on-one with Louise, and with James. We
all ate together and had some great laughs. They seemed
genuinely pleased to see me after all this time.
I had no inkling anything was wrong. I thanked them for the
wonderful time.
Months later, one of the other guests, Andrea, who I know super
well, told me that she'd seen James and Louise and found out
something she thought was surprising, but that I would probably
want to know. (And she is right, I do, and I appreciate Andrea
telling me). Apparently James and Louise were very unhappy with
the way I acted at their cabin, just reading a book and not
participating as if it's my own private spa retreat.
WHAT? I had no idea. Like I said, I thought reading a book was
normal behaviour at a cabin, and frankly, a good way to spend
the time when the group is in all different directions farting
around looking for shoes and taking an hour to get ready to go
for a walk!!
Then I noticed that both James and Louise had defriended me on
Facebook. Well I don't care about Facebook, but I'm bothered
that I offended my hosts and failed to notice.
I asked one other friend who was there that I am fairly close
to, and she was surprised too. Nobody else seems to have noticed
anything amiss or that I was behaving badly.
I do plan to send James and Louise an apology (even though I
didn't hear it from them) and I doubt I will be invited back
(that's ok too) but now I am wondering if I've gone through life
offending people without realizing it.
What are your thoughts on being a guest at someone's vacation
cabin and relaxing with a book?
#Post#: 63946--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: oogyda Date: February 25, 2021, 5:32 am
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How is Andrea going to feel about you letting the hosts know she
repeated to you the negative things they said about you? If you
send an apology, that is what you will be doing.
I agree with your opinion that reading a book is a perfect cabin
activity. But, I do realize that many people try not to
interrupt someone while they are reading. In their minds, while
you are reading, you have "checked out" of group participation.
Perhaps that's how James and Louise are.
#Post#: 63950--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: Gellchom Date: February 25, 2021, 6:13 am
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I have seen this once or twice in my past,
someone sitting and reading, looking at their phone, or doing
work for a substantial part of the time when people have
traveled far for a family or group get together, sometimes even
especially to meet them. It’s not the end of the world, but it’s
not a great look.
I think it would depend on how much of the time you spent
reading and what was going on when you did it. I agree that
reading is a lovely cabin activity. But if they were that
offended, maybe you were ignoring them too much and it felt to
them like they were being used to provide a retreat for you to
read rather than socialize with them. As in, what you wanted was
the cabin, not them.
I’m definitely not saying you did this or anything else wrong!
Just that their reaction makes it seem like that might have been
the case, at least from their point of view.
#Post#: 63952--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: sms Date: February 25, 2021, 8:10 am
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I don't see anything wrong with bringing a book as long as a
guest doesn't creep off by themselves the entire time, not
engaging with the hosts and other guests. But it doesn't sound
like that is the case.
I would have brought a book too although I would have only been
reading it at night in my room after I had said my goodnights,
or if everyone else was breaking off to do their own thing etc.
If the other guests were all gathered together I wouldn't want
to be the only one off on my own reading. For me it wouldn't be
cause for defriending or the cold shoulder but as the host I
might be worried that the guest was not enjoying the company.
That being said for "cabin weekends" I do think hosts should try
to let guests have a bit of downtime where there isn't always an
expectation of solid group togetherness all day.
As far as apologizing I don't know that I would unless you spoke
with Andrea first although I certainly understand wanting to
clear the air.
#Post#: 63956--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: BeagleMommy Date: February 25, 2021, 9:09 am
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I don't think I would send an apology.
From what I read, it sounded like you actively participated and
engaged with the group so reading for a few minutes while others
are getting ready is not rude to me.
#Post#: 63960--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: Rose Red Date: February 25, 2021, 9:52 am
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I'm not clear on the situation. We're you reading during group
activities and chatting, or only when everybody else was running
around getting ready?
If they were running around, I don't think it was rude. But I
can understand them feeling awkward if one person was reading
while everybody else is socializing, or if you whip out a book
when taking a break during a group hike.
I understand it's normal in some families or social groups, but
it guess we need to observe the room or err on the side of
caution if we don't know them super well.
#Post#: 63963--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: vintagegal Date: February 25, 2021, 10:14 am
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I don't think you were rude. It sounds like you only read during
"down time."
When I visit my sister and BIL, it's just the opposite. They
are ALWAYS reading to the detriment of group conversation. I
have learned to bring my own books, I figure one per day, so 3
day stay = 3 books.
Some people go through life looking for reasons to be offended.
I would rather have a reader as a guest than feeling like I am
responsible for filling their stay with fun activities.
#Post#: 63970--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: ABL Date: February 25, 2021, 10:44 am
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[quote author=Raintree link=topic=1994.msg63944#msg63944
date=1614244848]...
I still joined in conversations (or so I thought), and it was a
book about current events that was big in the news and just
published, so at various points I brought up stuff from the book
and I recall some lively discussion around it amongst my
friends. I didn't read the whole time. Mostly when everyone else
was futzing around doing this or that. ... I do remember
engaging in group conversations on the deck and talking
one-on-one with Louise, and with James. We all ate together and
had some great laughs. They seemed genuinely pleased to see me
after all this time.
...
Months later, one of the other guests, Andrea, who I know super
well, told me that she'd seen James and Louise and found out
something she thought was surprising, but that I would probably
want to know. (And she is right, I do, and I appreciate Andrea
telling me). Apparently James and Louise were very unhappy with
the way I acted at their cabin, just reading a book and not
participating as if it's my own private spa retreat.
WHAT? I had no idea. Like I said, I thought reading a book was
normal behaviour at a cabin, and frankly, a good way to spend
the time when the group is in all different directions farting
around looking for shoes and taking an hour to get ready to go
for a walk!!
Then I noticed that both James and Louise had defriended me on
Facebook. Well I don't care about Facebook, but I'm bothered
that I offended my hosts and failed to notice.
I asked one other friend who was there that I am fairly close
to, and she was surprised too. Nobody else seems to have noticed
anything amiss or that I was behaving badly.
I do plan to send James and Louise an apology (even though I
didn't hear it from them) and I doubt I will be invited back
(that's ok too) but now I am wondering if I've gone through life
offending people without realizing it.
What are your thoughts on being a guest at someone's vacation
cabin and relaxing with a book?[/quote]
I’m REALLY offended by James & Louise's behavior towards YOU (&
the others in the group who they've told about your supposed
'bad behavior').
#1 - Bringing & reading a book is a TOTALLY NORMAL vacation
cabin guest behavior.
I don't expect (& neither should the hosts) to spend 100% of my
visit/trip/vacation TOGETHER & INTERACTING. It doesn't matter
if I am the host or the visitor, I expect everyone to have some
alone time... just to decompress. What is wrong with these
people?
Even when I'm on vacation with my spouse or very close friends,
I don't spend all my time with them... I read voraciously &
probably MUCH more than you did on this trip, as I’ve been known
to opt out of group activities (like a walk) to read instead.
I ALWAYS carry a book with me (eBooks are the best!) & read
while I’m waiting for things, while I'm on public transit, etc.
If I can't read, I often listen to audio books & knit or crochet
(since reading a book in the car can make me nauseous). Even
with a group, sometimes you don't have stuff to talk about right
then &/or aren't interested in/don't have anything to contribute
on the current topic.
I often knit/crochet/other handcrafts/doodle & STILL
interact/participate in conversation with individuals or a group
or even watch TV. I'm not being rude, it keeps my hands busy, &
my brain engaged in the conversation (Hi ADHD-I). If it's
distracting to someone else (& they mention it), I can put it
away.
Reading (while still present with everyone else) while they are
doing OTHER things (waiting for others getting ready for a walk
or while they were doing dishes which they didn't want help
with) isn't being rude -OR- acting like you were at the spa...
It's called entertaining yourself while you wait. I know tons
of people who turn the TV &/or watch videos/play video games on
their phone the minute they have to wait for anything (even with
other people around)... which I personally find annoying & in
some cases, VERY rude (especially when I have to listen to it
since they don't use headphones).
Some people have really weird reactions to reading overall.
I’ve had people say that, "I must think I’m better than
them/smarter", because I read vs watch TV/play video games as
entertainment (because they don't like to read &/or can't see
how it is enjoyable to anyone, because they don't like it).
Ummm... No. I just like to read & I engage with the story
better when it's in a book (the exception being J.R.R. Tolkien's
LOTR series - because I can't seem to read those at all & I'm
very thankful for the movies! ;D).
#2 - You do NOT *In ANY Way/Shape/Form* owe James & Louise an
apology!!!*
*Caveat: UNLESS they tell you DIRECTLY that they were offended
(& then you should only apologize if you are actually sorry,
which IMO, you should not be.
If they were so horribly offended by your reading (& supposed
'acting like you were at a private spa retreat')? Why didn't
they say ANYTHING while you were there? You said they NEVER
mentioned your reading negatively -or- even alluded to the fact
that they felt like you were ignoring the group to read (which
it doesn't sound like you were). The fact that no one else
thought your behavior was inappropriate says it all. This isn't
about you, it's all them.
Saying, "Hey, RainTree... We know your book is interesting, but
come join us! We are talking about *RandomSubject* & would love
to hear your thoughts!" <- Something as simple as this would
have definitely made you more aware about reading vs group
discussion... Since NO ONE ever said anything like this? I
don't think you were being inappropriate/inconsiderate. (I have
had things like this said to me - & not necessarily this
politely - if people think they're being ignored &/or
want/require/need my involvement.)
If they want an apology, they would have told YOU what their
problem was - LIKE ADULTS - while it was actually happening
during the visit.
They should NOT have told your friend, Andrea, AFTER THE FACT...
Andrea was definitely supposed to tell you (IMO), so you could
feel terrible & then rush to ask their forgiveness for your
supposed 'bad behavior'. Their passive aggressive behavior of
unfriending you on FB & then tattling on you to Andrea (&
whoever else they decided to trash talk you to)? THEY are the
ones who owe YOU an apology.
These people sound like the type who only get offended AFTER the
event when they did not feel properly WORSHIPPED or THANKED
enough... [emoji37] Their level of 'offended' completely
depends on:
• How much they like you that day/in general.
• If you owe them something.
• If they owe you something.
• If there is something they want/expect from you in the future
(ie, what is the benefit to them if they stay friends with you).
• If they felt properly appreciated/thanked by the other guests
& if they were rewarded by the others in some way, like a
host/thank you gift.
• Has 'expectations' of guests (& expectations depend on *level*
of guest you are considered). Guests should KNOW what they
should contribute/do - even if guests aren't told anything &
help is turned down &/or offered. :-\
• Decided that certain guests did not participate/engage enough
(per unsaid/unacknowledged/unrealistic expectations) when
compared to other guests. Nothing was wrong until everything
was 'measured' (arbitrarily) & some guests came up short...
because hosts didn't feel like they were 'appreciated' enough.
I think that you are better off knowing that this is how they
are (back stabbing & passive aggressive), so if they ever decide
that you are forgiven (even though you haven't done anything
wrong), you know NOT to ever 'be kindly invited' by them again.
(UGH. These kind of people... Just UGH!)
#Post#: 63973--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: Lilipons Date: February 25, 2021, 11:10 am
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As a confirmed bookworm I agree with everyone here.
Reading during a weekend gathering of friends at a rural cabin
is perfectly acceptable. In Mr. Pons’ family, it’s the expected
thing. If the family gathering goes on long enough, books and
magazines may be exchanged.
From the original post it seems that the reader joined in
general conversation and offered views from the book being read
to stimulate conversation.
#Post#: 63976--------------------------------------------------
Re: Reading a book during a weekend stay?
By: QueenFaninCA Date: February 25, 2021, 1:24 pm
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[quote author=Raintree link=topic=1994.msg63944#msg63944
date=1614244848]
I still joined in conversations (or so I thought), and it was a
book about current events that was big in the news and just
published, so at various points I brought up stuff from the book
and I recall some lively discussion around it amongst my
friends.
[/quote]
You think you joined the conversations. But I think you might
have been reading more than you should have. If people are
sitting together having a conversation I think it is rude to
read a book. If everyone is doing something by themselves, it's
fine to read, but when everyone is chatting, I put my book away.
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