DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Family and Children
*****************************************************
#Post#: 63838--------------------------------------------------
Neighboohood...watch?
By: sms Date: February 22, 2021, 8:26 am
---------------------------------------------------------
The kids have returned to school and something happened that I'm
a little disturbed / annoyed about.
My good friend Linda called me to report that my 15 year old
daughter "Julia" was seen walking home from school with a bunch
of kids, some of whom were smoking. She had apparently heard
this from another neighborhood mom "Cindy" that I am only
casually acquainted with. I asked her if Julia was seen smoking
and she said that Cindy didn't say that she specifically saw
Julia with a cigarette in hand.
The conversation ended awkwardly when I asked her what she
thought I could do with that information.
I don't believe that Julia smokes. While I certainly don't
think my kids are perfect goody two shoes who can do no wrong I
really do think she knows better and I have never seen any
evidence that she does. No packs of cigarettes, no smoke smells
on her breath or clothes.
I'm a little ticked off - I would like to know if my kid does
something dangerous or wrong but I don't want to encourage
tattling on stuff I really can't do much about anyway besides
talking with my daughter. I don't quite know what to say.
Cindy is a bit of a meddler and Linda sometimes gets pulled into
it. Any ideas for nipping this in the bud?
#Post#: 63841--------------------------------------------------
Re: Neighboohood...watch?
By: AvidReader Date: February 22, 2021, 9:19 am
---------------------------------------------------------
On the one hand, I can see that you'd want to be informed of a
kid's involvement in potentially dangerous activity, but on the
other, this petty stuff is just that, petty stuff. You know
your daughter better than Linda or Cindy does and you get to
decide what is important versus what is petty.
For the petty stuff, I'd probably respond with something like,
"Well, that's interesting," in a neutral tone just to
acknowledge receipt of the information and immediately change
the subject. Seems that the Cindy/Linda connection is just
drooling to indulge in a gossip session about any response that
would hint at what you'd do with the information. Why take the
bait?
#Post#: 63843--------------------------------------------------
Re: Neighboohood...watch?
By: TootsNYC Date: February 22, 2021, 9:28 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I might be asking, "Did Cindy direct you to tell me that? Or was
she just gossiping to you about my child?"
I like your response, though.
#Post#: 63847--------------------------------------------------
Re: Neighboohood...watch?
By: Lilipons Date: February 22, 2021, 10:07 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Methinks Cindy spends a bit too much time looking out from her
front windows.
Certainly, 15 year-old smoking isn’t a good thing but it’s not
like underage drinking and driving or hard drug use.
I would like to ask if Cindy has a child in that age group.
#Post#: 63852--------------------------------------------------
Re: Neighboohood...watch?
By: sms Date: February 22, 2021, 12:53 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I condensed my conversation in the original post but
yes...apparently Cindy did want Linda to tell me as she wasn't
comfortable approaching me directly since she doesn't know me
well enough ???
I should add we all have teenagers of various ages but they
attend different schools.
I find I'm annoyed more with Linda though - why repeat it to me
if nobody can definitively tell me that Julia did something
wrong? I'm sure they are telling themselves they are "looking
out for the children" but it feels more like stirring up crap.
I don't think this will be the end of it either - Linda is a bit
of a "watcher" and likes to make it known that she sees
everything that's going on...or at least have people think so.
She is a friend with a lot of good qualities but I really don't
like this.
#Post#: 63853--------------------------------------------------
Re: Neighboohood...watch?
By: Hmmm Date: February 22, 2021, 12:54 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
You can't change Cindy from being a meddler and you can't stop
her from sharing her "observations" with others but you can try
to get her to share them the appropriate way.
Since Linda is a good friend, decide if you want Linda to share
Cindy's "observations" with you. If you do not want to hear
about it, tell Linda that "Thanks but it's ok to not pass along
this type of information coming from Cindy."
If you do want to know when Cindy is gossiping about your
daughter, tell Linda thanks for letting you know Cindy is
gossiping again. I'll speak with her. Then call Cindy and say
"Cindy, Linda passed on that you were concerned about my
daughter walking home with kid's you observed smoking. If you
really believe there is an issue that I need to address as a
parent with my child, I would prefer you call me directly.
Otherwise, it comes across as mom gossip to me."
I see Linda in the middle. She was given information and she had
to decide if she should pass it on. It's a hard position when
dealing with teenage activities. Some parents would be concerned
to hear their child is hanging out with kid's who have already
picked up smoking in high school. I would have been one of them.
I probably wouldn't have acted on it but it would be a little
alert to pay attention over the next few months for signs of
changes in friend groups or potential signs of smoking.
#Post#: 63855--------------------------------------------------
Re: Neighboohood...watch?
By: Rose Red Date: February 22, 2021, 1:02 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I would leave it alone for now as not to fuel their gossip. But
arm yourself with a response if they bring it up again. I can't
think of any, but I'm sure others will suggest great ones.
If you think it's ok to share what happened with Julia, you can
tell her to watch out for Cindy's window watching and wave to
her ;)
#Post#: 63857--------------------------------------------------
Re: Neighboohood...watch?
By: sms Date: February 22, 2021, 1:13 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
To be honest I don't think these are really Julia's friends -
from what I can gather a big group starts out from school and
slowly drops away in their respective directions. Julia's
closer friends don't smoke that I'm aware of ( at least I hope
not! ) so I think these are just peripheral schoolmates.
At any rate I have to hope Julia knows better and I believe she
does.
My concern is that if I want to hear about a genuine problem I
will be "validating" a couple of big mouths - like I have to
take the bad with the good here....kwim?
#Post#: 63858--------------------------------------------------
Re: Neighboohood...watch?
By: BeagleMommy Date: February 22, 2021, 1:25 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Since you are getting this third hand I would ignore for now.
If Linda decides to pass on another of Cindy's observations I
would say to her "Linda, if Cindy is that concerned about what
MY child is doing she should tell ME directly". I would tell
Cindy "If you have a concern about MY child please come directly
to ME. Do not go through Linda.".
We had a Cindy in our neighborhood when I was growing up. She
was the neighborhood busy body who's own children were
troublemakers so she couldn't wait to come to anyone's parents
to report on what she perceived as wrong doing.
The first time my parents took a vacation without us kids I was
20 and my brother was just shy of 18. I was left in charge of
the house (I was working full time as well) and my brother was
told I was in charge.
Brother asked me if he could have a small party (about 5 of his
guy friends). I told him yet, but absolutely no one was allowed
to drink. I phoned my parents at their hotel to let them know
what was happening. Other than being a bit loud, there was no
trouble.
As soon as my parents pulled into the driveway, Mrs. P came
running across the street saying "Just so you know, your son had
a party while you were away." My mother's reaction was
priceless. She looked at Mrs. P stone faced and said "why is
that your business?".
#Post#: 63860--------------------------------------------------
Re: Neighboohood...watch?
By: wonderfullyanonymous Date: February 22, 2021, 1:27 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I would have a talk, but not a lecture, but letting her know
someone saw a group of kids smoking, don't call her out
specifically, but let her know that smoking, drinking and drugs
are not good coping methods.
Let her know you trust her to not make bad choices.
Sometimes a sideways guilt trip is enough to make a child stop a
behavior.
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page