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#Post#: 63783--------------------------------------------------
Issuing invitations for very casual events months in advance?
By: LifeOnPluto Date: February 20, 2021, 12:05 am
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I have a friend (let's call her "Jill") who has a rather odd
habit of issuing invitations for casual get-togethers and social
events several weeks or months in advance. I'm talking about
very informal events here, such as catching up for a coffee,
getting a drink at the pub, or having a casual, "BYO food and
drinks" BBQ at her place. It's not unusual for Jill on (for
example) 1 January to message me, suggesting we get coffee on
(for example) 2 March. For slightly more formal events, the
time-frame is even longer. On one memorable occasion, Jill
emailed a bunch of us in March, inviting us to a dinner party at
her house... in September.
For context, Jill doesn't lead an extraordinarily busy life. She
works a regular 9-5 job, and has no dependents. Aside from
singing in a choir one night a week, I'm not aware of any other
commitments she has. Instead, Jill is simply the sort of person
who loves to plan ahead. She has even outright stated that the
reason why she loves issuing invitations so far in advance, is
to ensure everyone can "lock in the date" and to otherwise
ensure there are no clashes with any other events. She has also
mentioned that she likes "spacing out" her social life - for
example, having one event/get-together every fortnight, rather
than three in one weekend, then nothing for the next two weeks.
I find this slightly disconcerting for a couple of reasons:
1. It's impractical! Several times I've completely forgotten
that we'd arranged a catch-up, because Jill issued the
invitation so long ago. Jill normally sends a reminder though,
the day or two before the event, and I have gotten better at
putting these catch-ups in my calendar. But otherwise, it's hard
to keep track of.
2. Sometimes in the interim, I an invited to another event for
the same date (which is often one I'd much prefer to attend, or
is otherwise a more formal event). To follow my example above,
let's say on 18 February, another friend invites me to their
birthday party on 2 March... but as I've already committed to
having a coffee with Jill on that day and at that time, I have
to decline (or risk being rude by cancelling on Jill). Or it
might not even be another invitation - it might be a festival
that I've love to attend, or a public lecture on a cool topic,
on that date, which was only announced a couple of weeks
beforehand. Or I might have suddenly entered a busy patch at
work, and just want to veg out at home.
This issue has arisen again, as Jill has messaged me today (20
February), asking if I'd like to get dinner with her... on 22
May, which is over three months from now.
For completeness, I should add that when I issue casual
invitations to Jill, I normally suggest dates 1-3 weeks in
advance. And funnily enough, Jill seems to be ok with that!
I'm wondering what people think of this practice? Would it be
rude if I pushed back a bit, especially with some of the more
longer timeframes, and tell Jill that I can't commit that far in
advance? But that seems a little rude, like saying "I want to
see if I get a better offer first"!
#Post#: 63784--------------------------------------------------
Re: Issuing invitations for very casual events months in advance
?
By: Amara Date: February 20, 2021, 12:17 am
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I wouldn't commit that far in advance unless I knew that the
invitation was solid, that is, was going to happen barring any
emergencies. I'd simply tell her that. It's not rude to anyone
but especially if you know the invitation comes from someone who
often doesn't hold to. her own commitments.
#Post#: 63787--------------------------------------------------
Re: Issuing invitations for very casual events months in advance
?
By: kckgirl Date: February 20, 2021, 7:47 am
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[quote author=Amara link=topic=1992.msg63784#msg63784
date=1613801872]
I wouldn't commit that far in advance unless I knew that the
invitation was solid, that is, was going to happen barring any
emergencies. I'd simply tell her that. It's not rude to anyone
but especially if you know the invitation comes from someone who
often doesn't hold to. her own commitments.
[/quote]
It looks like Jill actually does keep those commitments.
LifeOnPluto, maybe you could tell Jill that you only plan your
calendar about one month in advance except for big events like
weddings, and ticketed events like concerts, etc. Then you can
tell her if she still wants you to meet her for dinner in late
May to get back to you in late April.
#Post#: 63788--------------------------------------------------
Re: Issuing invitations for very casual events months in advance
?
By: SureJan Date: February 20, 2021, 8:37 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=kckgirl link=topic=1992.msg63787#msg63787
date=1613828841]
[quote author=Amara link=topic=1992.msg63784#msg63784
date=1613801872]
I wouldn't commit that far in advance unless I knew that the
invitation was solid, that is, was going to happen barring any
emergencies. I'd simply tell her that. It's not rude to anyone
but especially if you know the invitation comes from someone who
often doesn't hold to. her own commitments.
[/quote]
It looks like Jill actually does keep those commitments.
LifeOnPluto, maybe you could tell Jill that you only plan your
calendar about one month in advance except for big events like
weddings, and ticketed events like concerts, etc. Then you can
tell her if she still wants you to meet her for dinner in late
May to get back to you in late April.
[/quote]
I agree, no one is "wrong" in this situation, you just have
different ways of operating. Personally, I"m more of a Jill in
that it is very helpful for my mental health to know I have
things planned in advance, even if it is a long way off. I
would go with kckgirl's wording, because reading your original
post it does come across a bit like you don't find Jill's events
that interesting and you are a little resentful that agreeing to
go to one might keep you from "something better"
Good luck!
#Post#: 63789--------------------------------------------------
Re: Issuing invitations for very casual events months in advance
?
By: NyaChan Date: February 20, 2021, 9:31 am
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I’d probably say I have no idea what my commitments will be so
far out and ask her to get together in the next month instead if
I really wanted to see her. I don’t think it’s good to be
cancelling on people, especially for a “better” offer and
sometimes events come up with less notice which aren’t things
I’m going to skip for a random dinner party that I can barely
remember agreeing to. So I’d have to decline.
#Post#: 63791--------------------------------------------------
Re: Issuing invitations for very casual events months in advance
?
By: STiG Date: February 20, 2021, 10:00 am
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I'm a planner - I like to have things in my calendar so I can
keep track. But even I don't plan casual events more than a
week or so ahead. And I may plan on a particular date for a big
party and gear my schedule towards it months in advance but
don't issue invitations until a month or so out. And I avoid
holiday weekends, for the most part.
'Jill, that's a long way off! I'll pencil it in and give you a
call a couple weeks before to confirm or reschedule. I know my
cousin is planning to get married this year but she hasn't sent
invitations yet so I don't know when that will be.' (Or
whatever event could be coming up that would obviously take
priority over a casual get together.)
I also like NyaChan's idea of suggesting an earlier date, if
that's what you'd like to do.
#Post#: 63792--------------------------------------------------
Re: Issuing invitations for very casual events months in advance
?
By: Rose Red Date: February 20, 2021, 10:38 am
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I'm a planner too but scheduling that far ahead* will cause me
anxiety. I would tell her that I'd love to have coffee but my
schedule can change due to work and family, and won't be able to
commit to a coffee date 3 months in advance. Then ask if she's
available this coming weekend (or whenever) to soften it.
*Unless it's a wedding or holiday party or something formal like
that.
#Post#: 63809--------------------------------------------------
Re: Issuing invitations for very casual events months in advance
?
By: LifeOnPluto Date: February 21, 2021, 4:17 am
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Thanks all. It seems the consensus is that it's ok to tell Jill
that I can't commit that far ahead. I was just a bit concerned
that saying that would imply "I might get a better offer."
[quote author=SureJan link=topic=1992.msg63788#msg63788
date=1613831857]
[quote author=kckgirl link=topic=1992.msg63787#msg63787
date=1613828841]
[quote author=Amara link=topic=1992.msg63784#msg63784
date=1613801872]
I wouldn't commit that far in advance unless I knew that the
invitation was solid, that is, was going to happen barring any
emergencies. I'd simply tell her that. It's not rude to anyone
but especially if you know the invitation comes from someone who
often doesn't hold to. her own commitments.
[/quote]
It looks like Jill actually does keep those commitments.
LifeOnPluto, maybe you could tell Jill that you only plan your
calendar about one month in advance except for big events like
weddings, and ticketed events like concerts, etc. Then you can
tell her if she still wants you to meet her for dinner in late
May to get back to you in late April.
[/quote]
I agree, no one is "wrong" in this situation, you just have
different ways of operating. Personally, I"m more of a Jill in
that it is very helpful for my mental health to know I have
things planned in advance, even if it is a long way off. I
would go with kckgirl's wording, because reading your original
post it does come across a bit like you don't find Jill's events
that interesting and you are a little resentful that agreeing to
go to one might keep you from "something better"
Good luck!
[/quote]
To clarify, I do find Jill's events interesting, and always
enjoy catching up with her! But they are usually very casual in
nature - and mostly things that we can do any time, like getting
coffee. The problem arises when I've committed to Jill's casual
event, but then later it clashes with a more formal event (like
a different friend's birthday party), or a one-off event (like
say, an interesting public lecture from our local university).
The latter events aren't necessarily "better" than spending time
with Jill - but they are certainly more 'special' in nature (for
want of a better expression).
I guess it does raise an interesting question: is it rude to
cancel on a casual event for one that's more formal, or 'unique'
in nature? It seems perhaps the dilemma is best avoided by not
committing to casual events that far in advance!
#Post#: 63812--------------------------------------------------
Re: Issuing invitations for very casual events months in advance
?
By: Aleko Date: February 21, 2021, 6:06 am
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[quote]I guess it does raise an interesting question: is it rude
to cancel on a casual event for one that's more formal, or
'unique' in nature? It seems perhaps the dilemma is best avoided
by not committing to casual events that far in advance![/quote]
Well, yes, it is rude to cancel on any commitment: which is why
you should simply not make commitments months ahead to attend
events that you don’t think are important enough, or require
enough forward planning, to merit it. Just because Jill wants
to set her most trivial social commitments in stone months in
advance, doesn’t mean you have to. You’re free to say ‘I’ll make
a note to myself to check my diary on [X date] and if I’m still
free to come then I’ll let you know’.
It’s possible that Jill is fed up with suggesting get-togethers
with friends and having them cancel at the last minute or simply
not turn up, and is trying to avoid this by setting the event in
stone months ahead. If so I don’t think it will work for her, as
people who are happy to welsh on a casual social commitment they
made a few days ago will probably be just as ready to do so for
one that they barely remember being asked to.
I do wonder what Jill would do if you accepted her invitation,
and in the intervening months she was invited to a
party/wedding/free trip of a lifetime/any other special event?
Would she virtuously turn it down, saying ‘No, I invited my
friend LoP for coffee that morning, and good manners forbid me
to cancel her and come to your wedding instead’? I think it’s
legit for you to ask her that.
#Post#: 63823--------------------------------------------------
Re: Issuing invitations for very casual events months in advance
?
By: OnyxBird Date: February 21, 2021, 2:08 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=1992.msg63809#msg63809
date=1613902626]
Thanks all. It seems the consensus is that it's ok to tell Jill
that I can't commit that far ahead. I was just a bit concerned
that saying that would imply "I might get a better offer."
[quote author=SureJan link=topic=1992.msg63788#msg63788
date=1613831857]
[quote author=kckgirl link=topic=1992.msg63787#msg63787
date=1613828841]
[quote author=Amara link=topic=1992.msg63784#msg63784
date=1613801872]
I wouldn't commit that far in advance unless I knew that the
invitation was solid, that is, was going to happen barring any
emergencies. I'd simply tell her that. It's not rude to anyone
but especially if you know the invitation comes from someone who
often doesn't hold to. her own commitments.
[/quote]
It looks like Jill actually does keep those commitments.
LifeOnPluto, maybe you could tell Jill that you only plan your
calendar about one month in advance except for big events like
weddings, and ticketed events like concerts, etc. Then you can
tell her if she still wants you to meet her for dinner in late
May to get back to you in late April.
[/quote]
I agree, no one is "wrong" in this situation, you just have
different ways of operating. Personally, I"m more of a Jill in
that it is very helpful for my mental health to know I have
things planned in advance, even if it is a long way off. I
would go with kckgirl's wording, because reading your original
post it does come across a bit like you don't find Jill's events
that interesting and you are a little resentful that agreeing to
go to one might keep you from "something better"
Good luck!
[/quote]
To clarify, I do find Jill's events interesting, and always
enjoy catching up with her! But they are usually very casual in
nature - and mostly things that we can do any time, like getting
coffee. The problem arises when I've committed to Jill's casual
event, but then later it clashes with a more formal event (like
a different friend's birthday party), or a one-off event (like
say, an interesting public lecture from our local university).
The latter events aren't necessarily "better" than spending time
with Jill - but they are certainly more 'special' in nature (for
want of a better expression).
I guess it does raise an interesting question: is it rude to
cancel on a casual event for one that's more formal, or 'unique'
in nature? It seems perhaps the dilemma is best avoided by not
committing to casual events that far in advance!
[/quote]
Instead of just telling her you "can't commit that far ahead,"
can you just be up front about what the problem is? You want to
carve out time to see her, and you don't want to back out of a
commitment to her, but you don't want to block out your chance
to attend more rigidly scheduled events for one with with lots
of scheduling flexibility and minimal advance preparation (e.g.,
a 2-person coffee date), so you need to try another approach to
scheduling. That doesn't seem like something that would be
offensive to a reasonable person--it's not about which event is
"better"; it's about the fact that one seems flexible and the
other not, so it should be possible to do both. (Plus, if she
knows what the problem is, she might have her own solution to
suggest.)
"Jill, I like making sure we carve out time to see each other
regularly, but committing to a casual get-together like coffee
so far ahead sometimes [or often] means I'd miss out on
something that can't be rescheduled unless I cancelled on you,
which I'd hate to do. When it's just the two of us meeting for
coffee or lunch, would you mind if we penciled it in but left
the exact timing tentative until we got closer? Then if a
conflict comes up for either of us, we could see if shifting to
another day would work or not. [This is usually stuff I find out
about weeks beforehand, but not months, so I'd expect to be able
to confirm by ___ before--would that work?]"
IMO:
1) The easiest thing to start with is casual events that are
just the two of you with minimal planning/prep, like coffee or
meeting at a restaurant. (You may think it's absurd to schedule
a dinner party so far in advance, but once multiple people have
committed to that date, it's no longer a flexible event, so you
largely have to accept, decline, or soft-decline that you wish
you could but can't commit to anything on that day yet and see
if she offers to let you decide later.)
2) Make sure you do put the tentative date down on your calendar
(with a reminder a couple weeks in advance if necessary) so you
don't forget.
3) If a potential conflict does come up, try to give significant
notice (e.g., the 1-3 weeks you use for your own invitations,
not a couple of days) and try to suggest alternative dates as
close as feasible to the original date, especially since you
know spacing out her social schedule is a priority for her.
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