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#Post#: 62997--------------------------------------------------
Re: Funeral planning during COVID restrictions
By: IWish Date: January 25, 2021, 9:27 am
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I'm sorry for your loss, TurtleIScream, and the added stress
this funeral is causing you.
I'm going to reply from the Stepdad's perspective. My mother's
husband passed away recently and we dealt with many of the same
issues. She was married to him for 20 years and he had six grown
children of his own, plus a myriad of grand and great
grandchildren. Like you, they all had opinions on the funeral,
who to include, the obituary, and the burial.
For my mother, in those first awful stages of grief, the last
thing she needed were attempts to overthrow, second guess, or
cajole her into changing her mind. She was open to suggestions
but we (her children) had to make it clear to everyone that HER
decisions were final. The reasoning for this was that she was
his wife for 20 years. She was the one who did the "heavy
lifting" for almost 10 of those years as he suffered from
dementia. She was with him 24 hours a day for 20 years. Sure,
his children were in his life longer, adored him and visited
when they could but ultimately I believe it's the spouse who
should have the final say. There was grumbling, for sure, but we
tried to keep it away from my mom.
I hope that in you will try to make it as easy on her spouse as
possible, even as you (rightfully) disagree with some decisions.
And I encourage you to hold your own memorial at a later time to
include everyone you want and all the beautiful flowers your mom
would have loved. Again, I'm sorry for your loss!
#Post#: 63040--------------------------------------------------
Re: Funeral planning during COVID restrictions
By: honeybee42 Date: January 26, 2021, 8:28 am
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I am sorry for your loss.
In November, my uncle passed away (really not unexpected given
his age and lengthy ill-health), and I remember my aunt saying
that she considered it a real relief when someone said that they
couldn't make the trip, because she could just pass them the
zoom link and not have to try to decide who to include/not
include at the physical service (and amongst those not attending
in person were both of my aunt's sisters--my mom and the oldest
sibling and my uncle [the youngest sibling], all of whom
definitely would have been present if there weren't
restrictions). Is it possible that the funeral home would have
a video feed?
#Post#: 63045--------------------------------------------------
Re: Funeral planning during COVID restrictions UPDATE 1/26
By: TurtleIScream Date: January 26, 2021, 10:05 am
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Thank you all so much for your perspectives. This was a horrible
situation made worse by COVID restrictions and family drama.
We did arrange for a live streaming of the service. Due to
Michigan weather, we had to be indoors and subject to the
numbers limitations. The church, a huge facility, said the 25
limit was for the entire building and we couldn’t have an
overflow room. We ended up having a separate family reception at
my sister’s, where my brother and his family were welcome.
Having our own service felt too “sour grapes”, but this was a
good compromise for us.
In the end, my cousin’s husband stayed home with their three
young children to make space for my nephew. I have already sent
a heartfelt note recognising his closeness to my mom, and
thanking him for honouring their deep love in that way.
I met the late wife’s sister and husband for the first time at
the service. They are selfish and entitled. They pushed ahead of
the children (and step-children) for seating in the front row
and viewing before closing the casket. My step dad was
officiating the service, so was on the platform, so they weren’t
trying to be close by for him. They also hung back from my
step-siblings, who I would understand might have wanted their
mother’s family close, so I’m not sure what was going on with
them. But, let them deal with their own family dynamics. My best
friend advised me to not let myself become the kidneys, thinking
I have to filter and process all the crap going on, so that’s
been my mantra which served me well.
Other than them, it really was a lovely service. There were a
few things I bristled at, but he really did love her and was
also trying to process his grief. We were able to sneak in
someone from my church, which I didn’t realise how
important/supportive I’d find until he showed up. The pianist my
stepdad arranged for didn’t know how to play any of the hymns
selected, so our church’s pianist stepped in with about 18 hours
notice. My mom had visited our church a couple of times and
heard him play, so I know she would have appreciated it. Even my
stepdad approved our choice. The pianist also got a very
heartfelt note of thanks along with his payment.
Today is a snow day! So I get an extra day of processing and
being with my family until life goes back to normal.
Thanks again! I hope everyone else here has family that stays
healthy and no one has to navigate this during such a weird
time.
#Post#: 63061--------------------------------------------------
Re: Funeral planning during COVID restrictions
By: bopper Date: January 26, 2021, 2:25 pm
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My DH passed away in August...we could have 45 in the church...I
did Aunts/Uncles but not their kids/grandkids.
Our church live-streamed the service on FB so all extended
family/friends could watch. Most churches do that now.
We were able to have lunch together outdoors with families/pods
at the same tables
#Post#: 63078--------------------------------------------------
Re: Funeral planning during COVID restrictions UPDATE 1/26
By: NFPwife Date: January 26, 2021, 8:00 pm
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[quote author=TurtleIScream link=topic=1979.msg63045#msg63045
date=1611677131]
Thank you all so much for your perspectives. This was a horrible
situation made worse by COVID restrictions and family drama.
We did arrange for a live streaming of the service. Due to
Michigan weather, we had to be indoors and subject to the
numbers limitations. The church, a huge facility, said the 25
limit was for the entire building and we couldn’t have an
overflow room. We ended up having a separate family reception at
my sister’s, where my brother and his family were welcome.
Having our own service felt too “sour grapes”, but this was a
good compromise for us.
In the end, my cousin’s husband stayed home with their three
young children to make space for my nephew. I have already sent
a heartfelt note recognising his closeness to my mom, and
thanking him for honouring their deep love in that way.
I met the late wife’s sister and husband for the first time at
the service. They are selfish and entitled. They pushed ahead of
the children (and step-children) for seating in the front row
and viewing before closing the casket. My step dad was
officiating the service, so was on the platform, so they weren’t
trying to be close by for him. They also hung back from my
step-siblings, who I would understand might have wanted their
mother’s family close, so I’m not sure what was going on with
them. But, let them deal with their own family dynamics. My best
friend advised me to not let myself become the kidneys, thinking
I have to filter and process all the crap going on, so that’s
been my mantra which served me well.
Other than them, it really was a lovely service. There were a
few things I bristled at, but he really did love her and was
also trying to process his grief. We were able to sneak in
someone from my church, which I didn’t realise how
important/supportive I’d find until he showed up. The pianist my
stepdad arranged for didn’t know how to play any of the hymns
selected, so our church’s pianist stepped in with about 18 hours
notice. My mom had visited our church a couple of times and
heard him play, so I know she would have appreciated it. Even my
stepdad approved our choice. The pianist also got a very
heartfelt note of thanks along with his payment.
Today is a snow day! So I get an extra day of processing and
being with my family until life goes back to normal.
Thanks again! I hope everyone else here has family that stays
healthy and no one has to navigate this during such a weird
time.
[/quote]
I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like, all in all, this
turned out well. I love that you sent handwritten notes to
appreciate people and their sacrifices. (I'll be stealing "Don't
be the kidneys" for my mantra. That's really visceral and really
helpful. What a wonderful and supportive friend.) I'll keep you
in my thoughts as you continue to grieve and process. Hugs!
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