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#Post#: 62916--------------------------------------------------
Funeral planning during COVID restrictions
By: TurtleIScream Date: January 22, 2021, 3:14 pm
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My mom recently passed from breast cancer, and we are in the
middle of making arrangements. Hoo boy, so much family drama. I
don’t even know how to navigate this.
My mom remarried 18 years ago to a selfish control freak. He is
dictating the plans because 1) he’s a pastor and knows how these
things go, 2) he has strong opinions and knows what she would
have wanted, and 3) he’s paying for it
Problems - 1) he’s not the only pastor in our family, and we
don’t all agree on a “right way” to do a service, or even that
there IS a right way. 2) he’s already made decisions that are
not at all in keeping with her wishes. He’s asking for
charitable donations to his church in lieu of flowers. My mom
LOVED flowers and gifts and beautiful things. She HATED
charitable donations as “gifts”. 3) anyone who uses that line
knows they have no real argument.
Our state is limiting funerals to 25 people. The church is
abiding by that rule, despite there being no practical
repercussions to violating it. I am fine with that. I hate when
people use their “faith” to flout authority. Plus, I am high
risk, and opening the service to everybody would necessitate I
stay home. But, now we have to decide who makes the cut. Mom has
three children, all married, with 7 grandchildren, one married.
That’s 14. She has 5 step-children (acquired as adults), all
married, with 17 step-grandchildren. She also has two surviving
brothers, both married with children, and her sister’s children.
As you can see, there is no way to include all the Tier 1 and
1.5 people. Then, you get into all her friends, many of whom
predate me. So, it’s complicated. There’s no way everyone who
should be there can be invited. I was able to come up with a
list of 25 that included members from both families, and mom’s
closest friends.
My stepdad has decided that grandchildren are not invited. His
first wife’s sister and husband are. Four of mom’s friends and
their husbands are. I am spitting mad.
Is it wrong of me to go behind his back, reach out to a couple
of the invitees that I know, and tell them (in much better
words) that their place on the invite list supplanted
grandchildren? I really wish I could disinvite the people I’ve
never heard of, but I don’t know them at all.
This sucks.
#Post#: 62920--------------------------------------------------
Re: Funeral planning during COVID restrictions
By: Jem Date: January 22, 2021, 4:07 pm
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I am sorry about the death of your mother. Hugs to you.
What about a zoom option so that well over 25 people can
participate, just not in person?
Death can bring out the worst in families and exacerbate already
existing hostilities. I'm not trying to be argumentative, just
explaining that from your stepfather's perspective you may have
known your mother LONGER, but since your mom was married to your
stepfather for 18 years he likely thinks he knows her BETTER
than you do, at least at the time she died (since presumably you
have not been living with them for the past 18 years).
You said this:
3) he’s paying for it... 3) anyone who uses that line knows they
have no real argument.
...and I kinda think you may have an uphill battle with that
position. You could consider hosting your own memorial service
and inviting whomever you want (and paying for it yourself).
#Post#: 62923--------------------------------------------------
Re: Funeral planning during COVID restrictions
By: nuku Date: January 22, 2021, 5:22 pm
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I'm so sorry about your mom!
My grandmother passed away last June, & we had a very small
funeral due to restrictions, but they did record it to share
with those who couldn't attend. I'd ask the funeral home about
it, but it seems kind of standard now.
Is there a way to include grandchildren safely? (Not sure of
your traditions, but I would think the outdoor portion of the
funeral can be socially distant and safe.)
This doesn't help the OP, but when my grandmother went into a
home, we were required to have her funeral planned & paid for.
I'm so glad my mom didn't have to deal with doing that on top of
everything else! (It made me think that I should do so for
myself.) She called my sister & me more than once just picking
the holy cards! She wouldn't have been able to make all those
other decisions, too!
#Post#: 62929--------------------------------------------------
Re: Funeral planning during COVID restrictions
By: STiG Date: January 22, 2021, 6:28 pm
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His first wife's sister and husband? Seriously? I completely
understand you having a issue with this. They would have very
little contact with your Mom and I can't see how they would be
much of a support for your step-father. And I would push back
on this one, depending on how much you want to rock the boat.
Your mom's four friends and their husbands is less clear, if
they are her oldest and dearest friends. But if you are
comfortable enough with them to discuss it with them, I would.
Although if you can't get your step-father on board, he might
replace them with someone else and not the grandchildren.
Perhaps the best way to handle it is have the grandchildren
attend but remain outside, perhaps with a video feed?
My condolences on your loss and it being made much more
difficult by your situation.
I may be looking at the same situation this year but I'm
fortunate that we know his wishes (cremation) so we don't have
to do anything right away; we can have a celebration of life
when it is safe to do so. And my brother is on board, which
make it easier. We weren't on the same page but with the way
Covid has devastated long term care homes? Though he hasn't
said it, I'm sure he is happy that Dad is with me and not in a
home.
#Post#: 62931--------------------------------------------------
Re: Funeral planning during COVID restrictions
By: Mrs Rat Date: January 22, 2021, 9:01 pm
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I'm so sorry for your loss.
I would push back on the guest list. Some of those people need
to be taken off and replaced with those closer to her. You can
always put a memorial together for her at a later date, maybe a
year on hopefully restrictions will be lifted so the family and
friends can come together for a celebration of her life when
things have calmed down.
My dad died in October and had prepaid/arranged his funeral. It
made it so much easier as we just had to dot the i's and cross
the t's, my brother and I were in agreement with everything.
There were no covid restrictions but we were given the option to
also have the funeral online for those that couldn't make it
from overseas as our boarders were closed.
#Post#: 62944--------------------------------------------------
Re: Funeral planning during COVID restrictions
By: jpcher Date: January 23, 2021, 9:27 am
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So sorry for your loss, TurtleIScream.
Funeral arrangements are always tough on surviving loved ones,
especially now during this pandemic. Even more so with family
drama. My heart cries for you for having to deal with this
ugliness during your time of grief.
I'd like to suggest that you take a deep breath and allow
Step-dad to do what he will. I'm definitely not negating your
feelings/desires here. I'm simply suggesting that you not deal
with this drama. You don't need it.
THEN, as others posted, when the time is right you host a
memorial/celebration of life . . . the proper send off that your
mother deserves and the remembrance that you need for closure.
No drama.
My MIL passed away last May. She had her passing wishes spelled
out to a T including a full mass where no one was turned away
(she was well loved in her church environment). MIL also set
aside monies for a reception at her favorite restaurant.
The mass and reception was set for September, thinking COVID
would go away, but it was cancelled. I'm sure that when a date
is finally set it will be quite a remembrance celebration for
all that loved her. No drama.
As a side note, MIL's surviving children had a private send-off
when they put her urn in the crypt next to her husband.
Maybe you could arrange something like this, graveside, sooner
rather than later with all the loved ones that you would like to
attend (assuming that it's outside and all COVID safety
precautions are in place).
All this to say that family drama should be the least of your
concerns right now.
(((TurtleIScream)))
#Post#: 62946--------------------------------------------------
Re: Funeral planning during COVID restrictions
By: iolaus Date: January 23, 2021, 10:33 am
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We are in a similar situation (minus the drama) as it's my
father's funeral
TBH most people are automatically 'if you need me not to come
for numbers let me know' or saying they will come on their own
(whereas normally their partner would also come) and several
people have said that they can't come due to distance etc
(nothing is open and can't have a wake afterwards it's 30 people
for the service only) - I suspect his siblings are also thinking
of their age and the distance - both in their 80s and don't live
near) - I actually find it quite strange that people aren't
automatically offering to step back and I'm sure they would if
they were told that X was devastated they couldnt come due to
lack of room
You could choose to have it streamed online if you wanted
(and/or recorded)
When my cousin died in the first wave there were only 12 people
allowed - so that was his wife, 4 kids (and son in law), his dad
(his mum died the year before) and his two sisters and their
husbands - no nieces, nephews, aunts or uncles - and sometimes
it's easier to cut even harsher than to make sure the numbers
are full, (so step grandchildren - or even all grandchildren
under a certain age)
#Post#: 62967--------------------------------------------------
Re: Funeral planning during COVID restrictions
By: lakey Date: January 23, 2021, 8:55 pm
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Sorry for your loss. I think you are justified in being upset
about some of the arrangements. Including the husband's first
wife's sister and husband in place of actual family members is
odd. However, no good can come from pushing back on any of this.
All it will do is to create more bad feelings. The real problem
here is that you have a fairly large family and an allowance for
only 25 attendees. That guarantees that some people who should
be there must be excluded. I think that going to people who have
been invited, and telling them that they are supplanting family
members is not a good idea. They would probably discuss it with
others and, again, it would just create drama that shouldn't be
there. If I were in your shoes, I too would be resentful, but I
think that it is up to the spouse to make the final decisions.
You can't win this. You would be better off to let it go, and
perhaps have some kind of outdoor memorial service on your own
terms.
#Post#: 62969--------------------------------------------------
Re: Funeral planning during COVID restrictions
By: mime Date: January 23, 2021, 9:14 pm
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[quote author=lakey link=topic=1979.msg62967#msg62967
date=1611456954]
Sorry for your loss. I think you are justified in being upset
about some of the arrangements. Including the husband's first
wife's sister and husband in place of actual family members is
odd. However, no good can come from pushing back on any of this.
All it will do is to create more bad feelings. The real problem
here is that you have a fairly large family and an allowance for
only 25 attendees. That guarantees that some people who should
be there must be excluded. I think that going to people who have
been invited, and telling them that they are supplanting family
members is not a good idea. They would probably discuss it with
others and, again, it would just create drama that shouldn't be
there. If I were in your shoes, I too would be resentful, but I
think that it is up to the spouse to make the final decisions.
You can't win this. You would be better off to let it go, and
perhaps have some kind of outdoor memorial service on your own
terms.
[/quote]
The situation really stinks, but I think lakey and others are
right. You can't win. There are clearly more than 25 people who
*should* be there.
My dad passed away a year ago, and we held no service. My mom
wasn't emotionally ready for it at first, and then covid hit....
I agree with the suggestion to hold another memorial with the
people who were closest to your mother, and do it in a way that
she would have liked. Let those attendees know that they will be
welcomed at a different time and that you've designated no
charity.
Your stepfather can be surrounded by what brings him comfort or
a sense of propriety at this time, and you (and siblings?) can
be surrounded by what brings you comfort and a sense of having
honored her wishes at another time.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
#Post#: 62977--------------------------------------------------
Re: Funeral planning during COVID restrictions
By: Hmmm Date: January 24, 2021, 9:31 am
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I am very sorry for your loss and hugs for it being compounded
with this issue with your stepfather.
Unfortunately, he is the nearest surviving family member and
since he is paying for it, I don't think you can thwart his
decisions.
I agree that hosting another celebration of her life later is
the best way for you to honor her in the way you think she would
most have appreciated.
On the issue of donation in lieu of flowers... I don't see
flowers sent to a funeral as a "gift". To me they are a tribute
just like a memorial donation is. Those who are making the
donation may donate to the suggested cause or a different cause.
So if someone asks you, it is fine to suggest a different worthy
cause you think would be more aligned with your mom's wishes.
As far as the guest list, I don't have advice on how to decide
who should make the cut. You don't mention if she was close to
all of her grandkids or what her relationship was like with her
stepchildren. I would hope the 4 friends invited are some of
those long term ones you mentioned. Is it possible the SIL and
BIL from first marriage is your stepfather's primary support
rock?
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