DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Etiquette Phrases and Tactics
*****************************************************
#Post#: 62072--------------------------------------------------
Clever comebacks
By: mime Date: December 29, 2020, 12:27 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I tried to find the thread on clever comebacks & witty
rejoinders, but that must have been from the old forum. I hope
you don't mind my starting it up over here.
The thread was a series of situations where posters just wanted
the right words to use, either for future situations they were
anticipating, or while replaying in their minds how they could
have responded better to a conversation that had already
happened... kind of Monday morning quarterbacking. I learned a
lot from the thread.
My own situation I've been replaying in my head involved a SIL
and niece.
Several of us met for lunch-- we were seated at 2 tables of 6
due to covid restrictions. 2 adults, 2 teens, and 2 younger kids
were at my table. The two little ones and one teen were mine. We
were with my SIL and her daughter my 14yo niece. This was a
pretty casual place with sit-down service, and I assumed we'd be
lingering a while to talk so I brought some quiet activity for
my two youngest (they were 5&6 at the time). I don't bring
anything like that for my 15yo. I thought that was pretty
normal.
After we ordered, I pulled out the activities for my little ones
(they each got a rainbow scratch-art card and stylus, so pretty
simple entertainment). When my niece saw this she asked where
the rest of them were. I was confused for a second-- not even
realizing that my Niece was asking for a coloring sheet. My SIL
said "I guess auntie pjeans forgot to bring one for everybody."
So... I apologized to 14yo niece and to my 15yo son for not
bringing toys for them to play with at lunch. My tone was pretty
sarcastic. My teenage son was amused. My SIL was not. My 6yo
daughter volunteered to share.
So the six year old son the prize for the most mature person at
the table that day.
I've thought about how I could have handled it better, but every
time I replay it in my head, I go very snarky very quickly. This
SIL gets under my skin with her entitlement and I guess I am
past the point of healthy conversations without supervision.
But if you could indulge me for a few minutes: how would you
respond? How would you shut down the conversation? How would you
prevent the "teaching moment" that my SIL loves so much where
she'll tell me about teenagers' attention spans, or the benefits
of coloring, or some other facebook-capsule style
folk-psychology lesson?
#Post#: 62082--------------------------------------------------
Re: Clever comebacks
By: Jem Date: December 29, 2020, 9:05 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Ugh, your SIL sounds insufferable! I have a sister who is
similar in some ways. A witty comeback would likely make you
feel better in the short term, but is not likely to make the
relationship better going forward. But depending on your goals,
you may want to make a point anyway! I actually think the way
you responded WAS appropriate and made your point (that a
teenage should not need a toy to get through a meal at a
restaurant).
Here are some other ideas:
SIL: "I guess auntie pjeans forgot to bring one for everybody."
You: "Maybe the hostess has some coloring crayons for niece? The
hostess probably assumed niece was mature enough to not need a
toy."
You: "What did you bring for your child, SIL? I'm sure my kids
would like one too!"
#Post#: 62092--------------------------------------------------
Re: Clever comebacks
By: Hmmm Date: December 29, 2020, 9:50 am
---------------------------------------------------------
For this one instance, I probably would have said "Like you, I
assumed niece would enjoy visiting and joining the
conversation."
I before using either of the below approaches, I'd try to
understand if her attitude is because she is insecure around you
or if she is like this with everyone. If you think it is
insecurity, just smile indulgently and change the conversation.
But if is a know it all to everyone, then these are how I deal
with a sister of mine who annoyed the crap out of me trying to
parent me through my adult years.
For other "teaching moments" that you don't agree with, keep a
bored smile on your face, wait for her to finish and respond
with "What an unusual perspective." or "Thanks for the
suggestion but I don't think that will work for me." If she
asks why, just say you find it a unique thought pattern or
action but it's probably best to not discuss right now. If she
keeps pushing, saying you don't want to discuss it. It will
drive her crazy for the next month. If she brings it up again,
say you don't agree but don't see any reason to debate with her
as she seems pretty committed to her position as you are to
yours. If she pushes again, respond with "Why are you so
insistent on discussing this? Or is it that you aren't sure of
your position?"
If you do agree with the assessment or comment, keep the same
bored smile and respond with Oh, did you just learn about this?
I thought it was common knowledge." People hate thinking that
are the last to learn something.
Yes, sister tries to portray me as unreasonable, but everyone
knows why she thinks that way.
#Post#: 62123--------------------------------------------------
Re: Clever comebacks
By: gramma dishes Date: December 29, 2020, 3:37 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I am surprised that the fourteen year old asked. Is she
accustomed to being treated like a younger child and being
excluded from normal 'adult' conversation?
I hope I'd have said something along the line of "Oh, no Hon, I
never thought of it. I keep thinking of you more as an adult
now and thought you'd enjoy joining in the conversation with
your mom and Gilbert and me. Next time I'll bring something for
you now that I know, but Kelsey is obviously excited about the
chance to share hers with you today."
I think my kids would have been mortified if I had embarrassed
them with a comment like that from their mother basically
implying that I was a young child who needed toys at the table.
And I hope you complimented your six year old afterward about
her way of handling an awkward social moment.
#Post#: 62178--------------------------------------------------
Re: Clever comebacks
By: mime Date: December 30, 2020, 2:30 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I appreciate the responses! I'll have to think about what I want
to accomplish when I responded to SIL.
I like the bored reaction to the teaching moments; I'll
definitely keep that in mind for next time (because there will
be plenty of next times)!
I'm also seeing a pattern in the suggestions of directing my
response to Niece instead of SIL. I like that. I could have put
the situation into her hands as to whether she really wanted to
be considered a "little kid" or a teenager now. I think she's
still mentally in the tween state: likes to "try on" the
teenager personality sometimes but not ready to stop being a
kid. It might not have occurred to her in the moment that
teenagers *don't* bring toys to restaurants!
Each in their own time... we'll all get there eventually
🙂
#Post#: 63650--------------------------------------------------
Re: Clever comebacks
By: peony Date: February 16, 2021, 12:53 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Right now I don't remember any of my own witty comebacks (not
that I've made that many!) but I would love to see this thread
grow.
#Post#: 63680--------------------------------------------------
Re: Clever comebacks
By: silversurfer Date: February 16, 2021, 6:25 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I'll play!
I'm usually terrible at comebacks, but i was very proud of
myself for this one.
I had gone into my work office with my son who had just turned
one. He was crawling, not yet walking, still at the stage of
putting everything in his mouth, but with more sense than a
newborn. So past that stage where you think babies are trying to
kill themselves by eating everything.
So baby was sitting on my lap playing with a stapler and
coworker said sarcastically 'That's a safe, age-appropriate,
baby toy'. So I just said
'that's because i am an excellent mother,<coworker>'
it felt so good, and i give everyone permission to steal this
and use it for all situations.
#Post#: 63740--------------------------------------------------
Re: Clever comebacks
By: jpcher Date: February 18, 2021, 2:29 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
LOL to silversurfer's post.
Not all babies act the same. Not all mothers react the same.
DD#1 was just less than a year old. We were at her grandparents
house while they were having a garage sale. I let DD#1 crawl
around the (very clean) garage floor so that she could explore.
At one point DD#1 picked up something from the floor (a bit of a
burst balloon) and was closely examining it. MIL and SIL said
"jpcher, take that out of her hand right now. She's going to put
it in her mouth." I basically said "Just wait" while they kept
insisting. Neither one of them made a move to take it out of her
hand because I was her Mom (kudos to them for that).
DD#1 finally finished examining her found treasure and held it
up to me. She had a great big grin on her face. I crouched down
and said to her, while I took it out of her hand "What an
awesome gift! Thank you so much for giving it to me."
At that point I think MIL and SIL's jaw hit the floor.
*****************************************************