DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Life in General
*****************************************************
#Post#: 62940--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: DaDancingPsych Date: January 23, 2021, 6:00 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=pierrotlunaire0 link=topic=1955.msg62405#msg62405
date=1609952436]
Reading everyone's experiences here has been so eye opening. Not
so much that someone else might have different tastes and styles
of travel. To me, that's a given.
What is surprising is that some people do not seem able to
comprehend that someone has different tastes. Like, of course,
you are willing to go without eating lunch to shop and snack on
protein bars. And with people like this, you can tell them, but
it just doesn't register. The next day will be the same. No
lunch, and let's shop.
Not travel, but I once had a roommate for a summer who just
couldn't grasp the fact that I did not watch soaps. Never. Had
no idea what she was talking about when she referenced what
happened on her favorite. I don't know the characters you are
talking about, and certainly do not know what they did 5 years
ago which makes today's story so shocking. All summer long. It
was as if I wasn't speaking at all.
[/quote]
I don't mean to hijack the thread, but I relate so strongly to
your roommate story. I have a friend who is always referencing
something that I have no idea what he is talking about. For a
long time, I thought maybe I was not as smart / worldly /
cultured as he was. But I finally came to the realization that
he was completely clueless on my tastes. And while it was
certainly fine to talk about his likes that his assumption that
I must like the same things, too, was showing a lack of
understanding of me. I don't think he truly understands what
DOES interest me. At first, I would just nod and try to put
together what he was talking about. Then I fell into the trap of
just acting dumb (which I guess wasn't completely an act) and
just telling him that I had no idea what he was talking about. I
have finally come to the conclusion that I should just tell him
"Oh, I really don't like XYZ." The funny thing... when I stand
back look at all the ways that I attempted to handle things, he
still seems oblivious that we don't care for the same things...
even now when I'm telling him so!
So yes, I do think that there may be value in telling Mary about
the differences in traveling preferences. Hopefully she will see
it and realize that you do not make the best traveling pair.
#Post#: 63035--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: Gellchom Date: January 26, 2021, 7:05 am
---------------------------------------------------------
It's starting to sound like this is much less about travel than
about just not liking Mary's company as much as you once did,
which is fine! That happens. And of course traveling together
brings it into high relief.
It is starting to sound more like an "eating crackers"
situation, though, a bit -- a growing list of minor irritations
that you might not even notice or care about with your favorite
cousin or best friend. Which is still okay! If you're
irritated, you're irritated.
Sometimes in a situation like this -- and we've all been there
-- we feel bad about wanting less of a relationship, so we feel
like we need to gather sufficient evidence to justify pulling
back a bit. But it doesn't lead anywhere good. It turns into
an internal, bitter argument against nobody except ourselves.
If you can instead give yourself permission to simply want less
of a relationship with Mary without either judging yourself for
being unkind or judging Mary for deserving it, I think you will
be more at peace. I know this sounds awfully condescending!
I'm just saying what I have learned from my own experience and
the wise advice of people here.
If you do have to have a conversation with Mary about traveling,
definitely stick to matters of traveling style, like early/late
rising and bedtime, NOT things that irritated you or that you
found selfish or inconsiderate. I like the suggestions people
have given you along the lines of "Mary, we are good friends,
but not good traveling companions! Our travel styles are just
too different. We'll do something else together."
#Post#: 63063--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: oogyda Date: January 26, 2021, 3:23 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Gellchom link=topic=1955.msg63035#msg63035
date=1611666354]
Sometimes in a situation like this -- and we've all been there
-- we feel bad about wanting less of a relationship, so we feel
like we need to gather sufficient evidence to justify pulling
back a bit. But it doesn't lead anywhere good. It turns into
an internal, bitter argument against nobody except ourselves.
If you can instead give yourself permission to simply want less
of a relationship with Mary without either judging yourself for
being unkind or judging Mary for deserving it, I think you will
be more at peace. I know this sounds awfully condescending!
I'm just saying what I have learned from my own experience and
the wise advice of people here.
[/quote]
Well said and very insightful.
#Post#: 63065--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: NFPwife Date: January 26, 2021, 3:43 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=oogyda link=topic=1955.msg63063#msg63063
date=1611696216]
[quote author=Gellchom link=topic=1955.msg63035#msg63035
date=1611666354]
Sometimes in a situation like this -- and we've all been there
-- we feel bad about wanting less of a relationship, so we feel
like we need to gather sufficient evidence to justify pulling
back a bit. But it doesn't lead anywhere good. It turns into
an internal, bitter argument against nobody except ourselves.
If you can instead give yourself permission to simply want less
of a relationship with Mary without either judging yourself for
being unkind or judging Mary for deserving it, I think you will
be more at peace. I know this sounds awfully condescending!
I'm just saying what I have learned from my own experience and
the wise advice of people here.
[/quote]
Well said and very insightful.
[/quote]
Agree! This really resonates with me. On our walk today, I was
telling my DH that 2020 brought out some interesting elements in
people we thought we knew. There are some beliefs that have been
adopted that are non-negotiables for me and I have no interest
in having any kind of relationship with a few people. I'll be
polite and cordial, but I'm not interested in anything beyond,
"How about this weather?" He completely agreed and there are a
few people we won't be doing business with anymore. (Unpopular
opinion - "My lack of support for your endeavor isn't because I
don't care about or value small business, I'm not supporting
your small business because of all those beliefs you're freely
sharing. I don't want to give you money.")
Maybe I'll extend my standards a bit and Marie Kondo my
relationships and adjust any ones that don't bring me joy....
#Post#: 63716--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: LifeOnPluto Date: February 18, 2021, 6:07 am
---------------------------------------------------------
By way of update, I had a recent message from Mary asking me if
I was "still interested in our camping trip?". I refrained from
replying that I was never interested to begin with!
I did however, state that I'd be willing to look into doing a
short (overnight) trip - staying in proper accommodation, of
course! The reason: I was reading back over an old diary the
other day, and remembering a tough period in my 20s where I was
single and all my friends had boyfriends. There were times
during that period where I was quite lonely, and could have used
a good friend. I would have loved one of my coupled-up friends
to hang out with me for once on a Saturday night, rather than
their boyfriend. Or do a weekend away. So I really empathise
with Mary - it's tough to be single, without an automatic
'companion' to do trips with. I'm incredibly lucky to have my
partner, but I know not everyone is that fortunate. And she has
been a pretty good friend over the years.
(Obviously, I didn't reveal all of this to Mary - these are just
my own thoughts!).
I am however, going to insist on getting a place with separate
bedrooms (and ideally, separate bathrooms)! And I'll try to be a
bit more assertive when it comes to things like deciding what
time we eat meals, etc. Hopefully we can meet each other in the
middle.
#Post#: 63729--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: Codewoman1125 Date: February 18, 2021, 12:43 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=PVZFan link=topic=1955.msg63065#msg63065
date=1611697415]
Agree! This really resonates with me. On our walk today, I was
telling my DH that 2020 brought out some interesting elements in
people we thought we knew. There are some beliefs that have been
adopted that are non-negotiables for me and I have no interest
in having any kind of relationship with a few people. I'll be
polite and cordial, but I'm not interested in anything beyond,
"How about this weather?" He completely agreed and there are a
few people we won't be doing business with anymore. (Unpopular
opinion - "My lack of support for your endeavor isn't because I
don't care about or value small business, I'm not supporting
your small business because of all those beliefs you're freely
sharing. I don't want to give you money.")
Maybe I'll extend my standards a bit and Marie Kondo my
relationships and adjust any ones that don't bring me joy....
[/quote]
Evidently, the act of backing away from a friendship due to
differences in opinion over pandemic safety has come to be known
as "Fauci-ing" or "to Fauci".
#Post#: 63747--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: chigger Date: February 18, 2021, 3:57 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=1955.msg63716#msg63716
date=1613650033]
By way of update, I had a recent message from Mary asking me if
I was "still interested in our camping trip?". I refrained from
replying that I was never interested to begin with!
I did however, state that I'd be willing to look into doing a
short (overnight) trip - staying in proper accommodation, of
course! The reason: I was reading back over an old diary the
other day, and remembering a tough period in my 20s where I was
single and all my friends had boyfriends. There were times
during that period where I was quite lonely, and could have used
a good friend. I would have loved one of my coupled-up friends
to hang out with me for once on a Saturday night, rather than
their boyfriend. Or do a weekend away. So I really empathise
with Mary - it's tough to be single, without an automatic
'companion' to do trips with. I'm incredibly lucky to have my
partner, but I know not everyone is that fortunate. And she has
been a pretty good friend over the years.
Oh that is such a sweet thing to think of! Sounds like you have
a great plan of action.
(Obviously, I didn't reveal all of this to Mary - these are just
my own thoughts!).
I am however, going to insist on getting a place with separate
bedrooms (and ideally, separate bathrooms)! And I'll try to be a
bit more assertive when it comes to things like deciding what
time we eat meals, etc. Hopefully we can meet each other in the
middle.
[/quote]
#Post#: 63832--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: Raintree Date: February 21, 2021, 9:59 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=1955.msg62935#msg62935
date=1611378001]
The next morning, I was woken up at 6am by Mary's alarm. I heard
her clattering around in the bathroom, then after awhile, I
managed to drift back to sleep. She woke me up at 7am.
"LifeOnPluto, the bathroom's all yours." I mumbled something
(like "Too early! Gonna sleep for a bit longer"). This time, it
took me longer to fall asleep again. Then Mary woke me up again
at 8am. "LifeOnPluto, I'm heading down to breakfast now." I
managed to fall back asleep for a third time, then she woke me
up again 5 minutes later by returning to the room for something
she'd forgotten (her phone or something). By that stage, I was
wide awake, and couldn't get back to sleep. Really put me in an
annoyed mood for that rest of that morning!
[/quote]
OMG!!! I'd have throttled her!!! (Not literally). That'd be like
her going to bed at 9 PM and you waking her up at regular
intervals for the next couple of hours till 11:30 PM. Why oh why
do some of these morning people not understand that morning
sleep is every bit as important to the night owls as evening
sleep is to them?
#Post#: 63856--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: Hmmm Date: February 22, 2021, 1:02 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=1955.msg63716#msg63716
date=1613650033]
By way of update, I had a recent message from Mary asking me if
I was "still interested in our camping trip?". I refrained from
replying that I was never interested to begin with!
I did however, state that I'd be willing to look into doing a
short (overnight) trip - staying in proper accommodation, of
course! The reason: I was reading back over an old diary the
other day, and remembering a tough period in my 20s where I was
single and all my friends had boyfriends. There were times
during that period where I was quite lonely, and could have used
a good friend. I would have loved one of my coupled-up friends
to hang out with me for once on a Saturday night, rather than
their boyfriend. Or do a weekend away. So I really empathise
with Mary - it's tough to be single, without an automatic
'companion' to do trips with. I'm incredibly lucky to have my
partner, but I know not everyone is that fortunate. And she has
been a pretty good friend over the years.
(Obviously, I didn't reveal all of this to Mary - these are just
my own thoughts!).
I am however, going to insist on getting a place with separate
bedrooms (and ideally, separate bathrooms)! And I'll try to be a
bit more assertive when it comes to things like deciding what
time we eat meals, etc. Hopefully we can meet each other in the
middle.
[/quote]
That's nice of you. I say take the bull by the horns and do all
the planning. Find the place to stay, make some dinner
reservations and pick out a few fun activities.
#Post#: 64138--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: LifeOnPluto Date: March 4, 2021, 5:03 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Update!
So - the planning has been... interesting so far. It's feeling a
bit like if I give an inch, Mary tries to take a mile.
I told her that I'd be happy to take a short, overnight trip
with her. However, Mary has been trying to persuade me that
doing a two or three night trip would be "far better".
I also suggested a couple of options for where we could go. Town
A, which is 1.5 hours north of our city, or Town B, which is 2
hours south of our city. Mary's response: "Let's do both!" She
has proposed doing an overnight trip in Town A around June, and
a two-three night trip in Town B later in the year.
It's lovely that she wants to spend time together, and sees me
as a good travel companion, but this is not what I had in mind!
I think I'll have to firmly (but nicely) tell her that I prefer
to do a single, overnight trip.
I should add that Mary and I are also having a joint birthday
dinner together with a few mutual girlfriends. This was
something I originally floated as an alternative back in
December last year when Mary first raised the possibility of a
Girls Trip (but somehow it's morphed into us doing dinner in
addition to the trip(s)). I don't mind doing a joint dinner plus
a single overnight trip, but really would prefer to leave it at
that.
*****************************************************
DIR Previous Page
DIR Next Page