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#Post#: 61828--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: STiG Date: December 22, 2020, 5:48 am
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I like camping and even I wouldn't want to go camping with
someone who's travel style doesn't mesh with mine!
I know people for whom a quaint bed and breakfast is their idea
of roughing it.
#Post#: 61829--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: DaDancingPsych Date: December 22, 2020, 5:59 am
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I think that even if you side step this trip, that Mary will
continue pushing for future trips. So, I think it would be wise
to start to plant the idea that you have different traveling
styles. I would start inserting comments about how we like to do
things differently, like sleeping times. This is the long game,
but it would be good to come to a place where Mary laughs at the
thought of what an odd traveling pair you are and that it would
be better not to travel together.
But I agree that you need to decide what you are willing to do
with Mary. It doesn't need to be travel, but if you enjoy
dinner, shopping, or the spa with her, I would try to shift the
celebration to revolve around that. I might go with something
like "Mary, I am not sure that I am up for a trip. I loved that
time that we took that art class together and would really enjoy
doing that again."
#Post#: 61848--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: VorFemme Date: December 22, 2020, 10:17 am
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You aren't obligated to travel with Mary, she's not a close
relative (sibling or parent), your long term significant other
(spouse), or a business partner that you might NEED to travel
with - for various reasons.
Just laugh at the "odd couple" that you two would make as room
mates on a trip - early vs late riser; different meal schedules;
and different ways to spend time and never, ever hint that you
might think that her way might be fun for you "as a change".
Don't go so far as threatening to gouge your own eyes & ears out
if you have to room with her again - but let her know that
neither of you would get the vacation that you "deserve" if you
tried sharing such different expectations...
#Post#: 61858--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: Morticia Date: December 22, 2020, 11:58 am
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I should also mention that I have travelled with people with
very different styles. The last time, we discussed it and agreed
that we were not joined at the hip. If we wanted to do the same
thing at the same time, great, but we didn't have to. I need a
lot of downtime, and she was more outgoing, so there were times
when I would just go to the beach or the pool with my book. She
would read as well, or go find people to chat with. She was an
early riser, so she went to the gym while I slept. The reason
it worked was communication, and we were both willing to
compromise.
And for others in the anti-camping er.. camp, glamping is still
roughing it (frequently no jacuzzi), but at least there are beds
and indoor plumbing in your tent, and you don't need to do any
chores. So it could be a solution for travelling with the
outdoorsperson you know.
#Post#: 61876--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: malfoyfan13 Date: December 22, 2020, 7:25 pm
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Also wanted to say - with the non-eating friend on the shopping
trip - that I told her I am interested in going back to that
place, but I'd travel with my husband and spend only a couple of
days there (she and I were there for close to a week and it was
too long). I said I would be happy to coordinate with her and
meet up while there so we could shop but that my husband and I
would definitely travel separately. It won't be for a while
anyway but she seemed to accept that compromise. I told her
(truthfully) that my husband is not a good traveler and doesn't
like to travel with anyone but me.
This is probably going to come up again in time so I wanted her
to be prepared and not to keep suggesting girls' trips. Not
going to happen...
#Post#: 61880--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: EtiquetteE Date: December 22, 2020, 8:00 pm
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I just want to add that you should probably tell her sooner
rather than later as she seems focused on trip planning, making
suggestions for camping recently indicates this is front of mind
for her. The longer you let it go, the more it gives her the
impression you are entertaining her different ideas and it will
be harder to shut things down. I'm pretty direct so I'd
probably just say something along the lines of "I'm not able to
do a girls trip in the fall, but I'd love to do a Spa
Day/Lunch/Movie" to celebrate with you. You don't need to JADE
and explain WHY you can't. You can be kind, but if she gets
upset, that's on her, not you. You can't control how she feels.
#Post#: 61980--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: TootsNYC Date: December 25, 2020, 12:26 pm
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[quote]I would only say any of this if the OP brought up this
stuff during the vacation. The OP didn't say she ever asked her
friend to not turn on her 6am alarm or forced her friend to stay
out later. I think it is hurtful to bring up things a few years
later that annoyed you but you never addressed at that time. It
makes it seem like you've been holding on to resentment about
the trip for multiple years. [/quote]
I disagree, mildly. I don't think the OP should LIST IN DETAIL
all the things that are proof of the fact that they don't mesh.
Not even if it's just the very next day.
But even if it's been a while, I think the OP can say simply
that their travel styles don't mesh, and I think pointing to one
obvious and deal-breaker thing (the magic bullet for me would
be, we have different ideas about what time to get up and when
to go to sleep).
#Post#: 62011--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: LifeOnPluto Date: December 27, 2020, 2:22 am
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Thanks for the responses everyone! I'll think of some alternate
ideas (like a day trip, etc) and suggest these to Mary. I did
suggest dinner at a nice restaurant with a few mutual
girlfriends and she seemed to like that (although I suspect it
will come with it's own set of issues. For birthday dinners,
Mary is of the mindset that everyone pays for their own food
plus a bit extra to cover the Guest of Honour's meal. My mindset
is that that was a great system when we were all in our 20s,
working entry level jobs, and did things more casually; but now
we're approaching middle age, if the GOH is also the
host/organiser, they should be paying for everyone's meals).
I had to chuckle at the poster who suggested an alternate
itinerary that Mary is bound to dislike. Mine would be something
like:
- 10am, Wake up.
- 10.15am. Breakfast cocktail.
- 10.30am-11am - leisurely breakfast.
- 11am-12pm - tour of brewery
- 12pm-2pm - lunch and a few beers
- 2pm-3pm - tour of museum dedicated to 'The History of Atheism'
etc.
#Post#: 62396--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: BeagleMommy Date: January 6, 2021, 8:55 am
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LifeonPluto, I think you should tell Mary that your travel
styles don't mesh only if she brings up the idea of a "girls"
trip. Day trips sound like a better idea.
Years ago, BeagleDaddy and I took a family vacation with my
parents and brother and SIL. We travel the same way as my
parents. Up by 8, breakfast, see the sights/go to beach, lunch,
more sights, dinner, evening event, and bed between 11:30-12:00.
My SIL does not like to travel. She wasn't interested in any
of the sights, wanted to keep to an almost militaristic
schedule, when we were at the beach she sat on a towel under an
umbrella with a sour face, didn't like any of the places we ate,
and wanted to be back in the room by 8 to watch "her shows" and
fall asleep by 10.
It was the one and only time we traveled with Brother and SIL.
BeagleDaddy and BeagleBoy love camping. Roughing it for me is
being more than 10 minutes from a mall. BD asks every year if I
will go camping because "if you just try it you'll love it". My
response is always "If I go camping I will be miserable. I will
be complaining about bugs, dirt, hard sleeping surfaces, etc.
and I will make everyone around me miserable in the process. Go
have your guy time.". He will then suggest "glamping". ::)
Nope. Still not happening because he won't think that comfy
beds and running water count as roughing it so he'll be
miserable.
I've also told him that when I have to cook my own meals and
bring my own linens it is not a vacation for me. I need maid
service and restaurants.
#Post#: 62398--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: bopper Date: January 6, 2021, 9:14 am
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I would say what you said..."Mary, as much as that sounds
awesome, based on our last trip I noticed we have very different
travelling styles so I have to say no."
What do you mean?
"Well, you like to get up early while I liked to sleep in...I
liked to have a few drinks in the evening or go to the club
while you prefer not to, etc. I don't want to mess up our
friendship by driving each other crazy on vacation."
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