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#Post#: 61777--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: holly firestorm Date: December 20, 2020, 2:30 pm
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What excellent suggestions!
I would say, though, honesty is not always the best policy. My
friend who's getting married in Vegas wanted to share my room
the night before her wedding. At first I thought "one night,
what's the big deal? Fine." But, then I thought it over. I'm a
smoker (only 2 a day, but while relaxing, not while walking
around or in the casino), I snore, and I'm a crazy sleeper.
Sometimes I fall asleep before midnight...sometimes I'm up until
2AM. Sometimes I'll sleep through the night. Sometimes I'll wake
every hour and can't get back to sleep unless I turn the light
on and read for a while or have to go to the bathroom several
times during the night.
So, I told my friend she couldn't share a room and explained
why...I think she's been mad at me ever since.
#Post#: 61778--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: Hmmm Date: December 20, 2020, 3:19 pm
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1955.msg61766#msg61766
date=1608485699]
[quote] Could you just say "Look Mary. I love you dearly and
your friendship is extremely important to me. It's so very
important that I don't want to lose that friendship no matter
what. But the truth is that though we're very good friends,
we're lousy travel companions. We seem to have opposing goals.
I'm not either right or wrong. You're not either right or
wrong. We're just different from each other when it comes to
the way we like to travel."?[/quote]
All this. Plus, I think it's legit to say 'I think you're
forgetting how much we frustrated each other last time we
travelled together. Me frustrating you when you were all raring
to be up and out early in the morning, and you frustrating me
when you wanted to go to bed just when I wanted to enjoy the
evening. And remember how I kept trying to drag you into bars
and how uncomfortable that made you!'. Unlike the
bathroom-hogging, belongings-forgetting and inattentive
navigation, those are things you can mention without sounding
accusatory, because there's nothing wrong with being an
early-morning person or not liking drink or bars, it just makes
you an unsuitable travelling companion for a night owl who
enjoys a drink after dinner.
[/quote]
I would only say any of this if the OP brought up this stuff
during the vacation. The OP didn't say she ever asked her friend
to not turn on her 6am alarm or forced her friend to stay out
later. I think it is hurtful to bring up things a few years
later that annoyed you but you never addressed at that time. It
makes it seem like you've been holding on to resentment about
the trip for multiple years.
#Post#: 61779--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: chigger Date: December 20, 2020, 3:20 pm
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[quote author=holly firestorm link=topic=1955.msg61777#msg61777
date=1608496219]
What excellent suggestions!
I would say, though, honesty is not always the best policy. My
friend who's getting married in Vegas wanted to share my room
the night before her wedding. At first I thought "one night,
what's the big deal? Fine." But, then I thought it over. I'm a
smoker (only 2 a day, but while relaxing, not while walking
around or in the casino), I snore, and I'm a crazy sleeper.
Sometimes I fall asleep before midnight...sometimes I'm up until
2AM. Sometimes I'll sleep through the night. Sometimes I'll wake
every hour and can't get back to sleep unless I turn the light
on and read for a while or have to go to the bathroom several
times during the night.
So, I told my friend she couldn't share a room and explained
why...I think she's been mad at me ever since.
[/quote]
If she's mad about this, I don't think she's a very good friend
to YOU.
#Post#: 61785--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: VorFemme Date: December 20, 2020, 10:22 pm
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VorGuy and I don't always enjoy the same things - but we can
manage to travel together without too much friction. It helps
that (most years), I spend some time with our adult DD & her
family in the spring (Renaissance Festival in their area and
having an extra adult in the party makes some things easier).
We've taken my mother a couple of times, she & I go watch the
musical show or magic act - that he's falling asleep because he
got up early to go out for a long walk or go jogging... He's
the day person and an introvert. I'm a night person and more
extroverted. We both enjoy museums, although there may be some
negotiation as to which place or exhibit we're going to. But
there are places where we have had to agree to disagree...and
even split up.
#Post#: 61788--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: LifeOnPluto Date: December 21, 2020, 6:47 am
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Thanks for the suggestions everyone. I've been thinking about
this a lot, and come to the conclusion that it's not just about
our travelling styles. It's more to do with the fact that I
prefer Mary as a 'small doses' friend these days. I enjoy having
coffee, lunch and dinner with her. But anything longer, and I
suspect I'd get annoyed.
As we've grown older, Mary seems to have become more
self-absorbed and set in her ways. She tends to talk a lot about
herself and her family. Last time we caught up, her topics
included:
- the tablets she was taking (she described in too much detail
how they made her urine change colour)
- her family's various medical conditions, including her aunt's
hip replacement (she even stood up and demonstrated how her aunt
walked both before and after the operation)
- a long rambling anecdote about her Grade Two teacher
- how she wanted a cat when she was a little girl, but never got
one
- her church and how spiritual she's been feeling lately.
I hate to sound cold, but frankly, it was a little dull, and
mostly one-sided. She didn't really ask me any questions about
myself, and my life. I don't think that Mary means to be like
that - rather, I suspect that Mary is incredibly lonely, and
when we catch up, all the pent up conversation comes out. In
fairness, as I've grown older, I'm probably less tolerant of
those sorts of conversations too. Life is short!
As an update, Mary has now suggested that for our 'girl's trip',
we go camping. In a tent. For a whole week. I guess that takes
care of some of the initial issues I raised in my OP. But there
is no way I could survive camping with Mary!
#Post#: 61792--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: Kimberami Date: December 21, 2020, 7:51 am
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[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=1955.msg61788#msg61788
date=1608554837]
As an update, Mary has now suggested that for our 'girl's trip',
we go camping. In a tent. For a whole week. I guess that takes
care of some of the initial issues I raised in my OP. But there
is no way I could survive camping with Mary!
[/quote]
The camping suggestion made me LOL. Before I finished reading
the end of the post, I said to myself "Mary won't survive that."
Sorry OP :D
#Post#: 61805--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: oogyda Date: December 21, 2020, 3:30 pm
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I'm so glad you've managed to clarify, to yourself, the actual
status of your friendship with Mary.
Mary probably thinks you both had a wonderful time on that last
girls trip. That being so, of course you would want to take an
even longer trip together! She won't know any different until
you tell her and I can guarantee her feelings will be hurt. And
(speaking for Mary) it's all your fault anyway, since you
didn't say anything. You did, though. She just wasn't
listening.
I know you didn't push it further because it wasn't worth the
price of hurt feelings at the time. You made the best of it and
that was acceptable to you since you had vowed to never put
yourself through this again.
I recently went through something similar with my mom and sister
and a trip I wanted to take hiking in the area they live (I live
across the country). We had tried it before and I was
thoroughly disappointed and decided to spend a few days hiking
on my own before visiting for a week or so with them. Sis would
like to have gone, but acknowledged she couldn't do as much
hiking as I had planned. We met for lunch at the airport
before I drove the 2 hours to the hotel and planned a shorter
day trip with minor hiking.
Mom was shocked. Seriously. And I know she felt
betrayed/forgotten/left out? She had known I was disappointed
last time...but we could X or Y and you have to stay with
family friend in that area (who can suck all the time out of a
day in the blink of an eye).
So...take a deep breath and understand that you've already shown
more consideration for her feelings than she has or does for
yours. Somewhere along the line she should learn to accept the
soft "no".
#Post#: 61817--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: Morticia Date: December 21, 2020, 7:32 pm
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Camping? I don't mean to yuck anyone's yum, but if someone
suggested that one to me, I would deploy one of the number of
useful responses I keep close for just such an emergency.
[list]
[li]My idea of roughing it is a hotel without a jacuzzi[/li]
[li]When I'm on vacation, I want to relax, not do a bunch of
chores[/li]
[li]The last time I went camping, it was made abundantly clear
that I am cursed to never camp successfully[/li]
[li]My back needs a bed[/li]
[/list]
Good luck. I understand not wanting to tell her why you don't
want to go. Hey, maybe if you made a counter offer that was all
about things you want to do that she wouldn't want to do, in a
place you want to go that she would hate.
Edited for typo.
#Post#: 61821--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: NFPwife Date: December 21, 2020, 9:53 pm
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[quote author=Morticia link=topic=1955.msg61817#msg61817
date=1608600727]
Camping? I don't mean to yuck anyone's yum, but if someone
suggested that one to me, I would deploy on of the number of
useful responses I keep close for just such an emergency.
[list]
[li]My idea of roughing it is a hotel without a jacuzzi[/li]
[li]When I'm on vacation, I want to relax, not do a bunch of
chores[/li]
[li]The last time I went camping, it was made abundantly clear
that I am cursed to never camp successfully[/li]
[li]My back needs a bed[/li]
[/list]
Good luck. I understand not wanting to tell her why you don't
want to go. Hey, maybe if you made a counter offer that was all
about things you want to do that she wouldn't want to do, in a
place you want to go that she would hate.
[/quote]
My husband and I have a response similar to your second point -
"We want to relax on vacation, not spend all of our mental and
physical energy on survival."
Life on Pluto - with the updated information that this is "small
dose" friend, maybe counter with something the two of you could
do that limits conversation - theater, movie, spa day (with
separate services), etc. etc.
If you think it would expand Mary's perspective, you might
mention that you don't have similar traveling styles as
suggested upthread, but because that doesn't seem necessary
right now, I'd probably just have the bullet points ready for
the future.
#Post#: 61826--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: malfoyfan13 Date: December 22, 2020, 12:27 am
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Boy, can I relate to this one. I've traveled with two different
friends, two different times and had a very similar experience.
In the first trip my friend did not want to do any of the same
activities I did (no beach in Hawaii...that was my main reason
for going!) and decided that vacation was the perfect time to go
on a very restricted diet, so no fun dinners out. We didn't get
along very well for most of the trip. I didn't travel anywhere
else with her and our friendship petered out after a few more
years for other reasons.
Second trip - this friend was fine to room with but did not want
to spend any money on food during the day. She would eat dinner
but nothing else. We were on a trip that involved shopping and
she wanted to spend all her money on the shopping. She did NOT
tell me this before we left. So, no going out for breakfast or
stopping for lunch for her. (I was looking forward to trying
restaurants and had looked up some, none of which we tried.)
She ate protein bars. I can't go all day without food, so I
started getting room service breakfast and insisted on stopping
for lunch. She also would not pay half of the Lyft rides we
needed, although she'd agreed to it before the trip started.
We're still friends but I decided no more travel with her.
Lately she's been hinting about going on another trip and I've
put her off with excuses about COVID. (She doesn't seem
concerned about COVID and has traveled some lately; my husband
and I are staying put.) She also wants to take a trip along
with our husbands and my husband wants nothing to do with hers
for various reasons. She keeps asking me if my husband plays
golf (he doesn't) since that is all her husband wants to do on
trips.
My advice would echo that of previous posters - if you decide to
travel with your friend, get separate rooms and try to agree
beforehand about activities and how you will spend your time.
I'm not sure it would have helped me to do this with my friend,
since I thought we were on the same page and it didn't turn out
that way, but at least you can try. But it sounds like it would
be easier to just do day trips with your friend. That's kind of
where I am with my friend.
I'm with Morticia on the camping - my idea of camping is....not
camping but going to a really nice hotel. I need a bed, a
shower and room service. LOL My husband and son like camping.
I told them have fun and DIL, GD and I will go to a hotel and
enjoy ourselves while they are out there roughing it.
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