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#Post#: 61758--------------------------------------------------
How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them? Update p4
9
By: LifeOnPluto Date: December 20, 2020, 7:55 am
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So, I have a friend, 'Mary' who I like a lot. We've been friends
for 15 years. Mary and I both have a milestone birthday coming
up next year, and she has recently suggested that the two of us
do a week-long 'girls' trip' in the second half of 2021 to
celebrate it. (Note, we're in a part of Australia where COVID is
currently not a problem).
Here's the problem. Mary and I took a short trip (3 days)
together a few years ago, and it was an intensely frustrating
experience (for me!). In short:
1. Mary and I have different travelling styles. She likes to be
up early and in bed early. On the other hand, I like to sleep in
a bit, and stay up later. Mary would wake me up each day at 6am
with her incredibly loud alarm. Then, in the evening, she'd be
feeling tired and wanting to go back to our hotel room no later
than 8pm.
2. I like to kick back with a few drinks when I'm on holiday.
Nothing outrageous, but I'm not adverse to a couple of gin and
tonics, or craft beers. Mary, on the other hand, is a
tee-totaller and doesn't enjoy going to bars or clubs.
3. Mary can be a bit scatter-brained. Often, we'd have to dash
back to the previous venue, or our hotel, because Mary had
forgotten her hat/phone/jacket/etc. This wasted time, and meant
we had less time to enjoy the trip.
4. Mary also cannot navigate. For one part of our trip, we hired
a car. I drove, and asked Mary to help me navigate (while we had
a GPS, the area was unfamiliar and very crowded). It was a
complete disaster. I asked Mary to help me look out for certain
landmarks, but half the time she was too busy fiddling with her
lipstick, or looking up news articles on her phone.
5. Mary also hogged our shared bathroom. One memorable occasion,
we got back to our room at 5pm, and we were meeting other
friends for dinner in the lobby at 6pm. Mary used the bathroom
from 5pm-5.45pm (she showered, then blow-dried her hair). When
she emerged, I used the bathroom for 5 minutes (5.45pm-5.50pm),
then left the bathroom to grab my comb and make-up bag,
intending to go back in and freshen myself up. Mary then
declared that she needed to use the bathroom again, and didn't
emerge until 6pm... by which time it was too late for me to do
my hair and make-up properly (there was no mirror in the
bedroom).
These are just a few of the incidents that occurred. I didn't
say anything at the time, as I didn't want to hurt Mary's
feelings, but I silently vowed never to travel with Mary again.
And now I need a polite excuse to avoid having to do a week-long
trip! Mary is a very sensitive person, and I suspect she'd cry
(or try to defend herself) if I told her the truth. Last year,
she tried to organise another girls' trip (with me and six other
women). Every single one of us made excuses like 'Sorry, I'll be
busy then' and Mary was sad and hurt.
Now Mary has suggested this girls' trip well in advance, so 'we
can lock it in!'. I can't even use COVID as an excuse, as we're
more or less ok here; plus there'll probably a vaccine by then,
anyway. Mary also knows I can easily afford a trip, so saying
it's not within my budget wouldn't fly.
Help me, Brimstoners! What do I say?!
#Post#: 61760--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: Kimberami Date: December 20, 2020, 8:18 am
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Since you are still in the planning phase, would you be able to
counter with a suggestion of something that you'd find more
agreeable? At the very least, you could suggest separate rooms
with their own bathrooms.
#Post#: 61761--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: Isisnin Date: December 20, 2020, 8:58 am
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Kimpossible has good ideas. Especially the separate rooms as a
shared room seems to be most of the issues.
Also group tours. Neither of you would be driving, the tour
guide would be the one to tell Mary "No. we can't go back now
for your forgotten item. You can go back later and get it (or
whatever their standard response to people forgetting things)."
And if Mary wanted to go back to the room early, you can just
say "Ok. I'm going out with the group. Sleep 'nite. See you
tomorrow."
Edited: Separate rooms and group tours does seem to be your
answer IF you want to travel with Mary.
But to your question "How to tell a friend I don't want to
travel with them?", perhaps "Mary, we do day trips together
well, but we have such different styles when traveling. Let's
plan a day trip." You could just say "No" but then she'd
probably pester you as to why. She might anyways, so just
mention " "Early to bed early to rise" vs "up late sleep late"
etc." Then say "yadda-yadda" would be a good day trip"
Good Luck.
#Post#: 61763--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: kckgirl Date: December 20, 2020, 9:23 am
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I think Kimpossible and Isisnin have hit the nail on the head.
It seems her hotel room habits were most of the problem, and a
group tour would stop the running back for forgotten items.
However, if you were too aggravated and really don't want to go,
I'd say I don't want to go on a trip, and suggest a few day
trips nearby. You can use the budget excuse if you want. It
doesn't matter what she thinks she knows about your finances.
It's none of her business, and if you say it's not in the
budget, it's not.
#Post#: 61764--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: gramma dishes Date: December 20, 2020, 9:32 am
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[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=1955.msg61758#msg61758
date=1608472550]
... And now I need a polite excuse to avoid having to do a
week-long trip! Mary is a very sensitive person, and I suspect
she'd cry (or try to defend herself) if I told her the truth.
Last year, she tried to organise another girls' trip (with me
and six other women). Every single one of us made excuses like
'Sorry, I'll be busy then' and Mary was sad and hurt.
[/quote]
I get the feeling from the fact that she has tried to organize
group trips before and been turned down, that you aren't the
only one who has experience with traveling with Mary. I do
admire your patience and your obviously genuine desire to not
hurt her feelings, but I wonder if in tiptoeing around so much
you are inadvertently infantilizing her!
Obviously she's been a close friend for a long time. Could you
just say "Look Mary. I love you dearly and your friendship is
extremely important to me. It's so very important that I don't
want to lose that friendship no matter what. But the truth is
that though we're very good friends, we're lousy travel
companions. We seem to have opposing goals. I'm not either
right or wrong. You're not either right or wrong. We're just
different from each other when it comes to the way we like to
travel."?
#Post#: 61765--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: Hmmm Date: December 20, 2020, 11:18 am
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My travel time and money is precious to me so I don't like to
overly compromise. I don't enjoy guided trips and I want a
traveling companion who is more on my time schedule. Back to the
room at 8 would drive me nuts since dinner reservations are
usually around 7:30 or 8pm. And unless you are going to a
specific activity, no one should need an alarm on vacation.
I'd just say that right now isn't a good time for you to commit
to an expensive trip next year. Suggest instead of doing a
weekend trip as a compromise.
#Post#: 61766--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: Aleko Date: December 20, 2020, 11:34 am
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[quote] Could you just say "Look Mary. I love you dearly and
your friendship is extremely important to me. It's so very
important that I don't want to lose that friendship no matter
what. But the truth is that though we're very good friends,
we're lousy travel companions. We seem to have opposing goals.
I'm not either right or wrong. You're not either right or
wrong. We're just different from each other when it comes to
the way we like to travel."?[/quote]
All this. Plus, I think it's legit to say 'I think you're
forgetting how much we frustrated each other last time we
travelled together. Me frustrating you when you were all raring
to be up and out early in the morning, and you frustrating me
when you wanted to go to bed just when I wanted to enjoy the
evening. And remember how I kept trying to drag you into bars
and how uncomfortable that made you!'. Unlike the
bathroom-hogging, belongings-forgetting and inattentive
navigation, those are things you can mention without sounding
accusatory, because there's nothing wrong with being an
early-morning person or not liking drink or bars, it just makes
you an unsuitable travelling companion for a night owl who
enjoys a drink after dinner.
#Post#: 61767--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: STiG Date: December 20, 2020, 11:39 am
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'Mary, our vacation styles don't mesh well. You like to be up
and out early and turn in early; I prefer to sleep in a bit and
stay up later. I'm happy to plan some day trips with you,
anytime but I think we should skip any overnights for both our
sakes.'
#Post#: 61768--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: TootsNYC Date: December 20, 2020, 12:08 pm
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I agree with Isisin and STiG.
I had to do that with my roommate. We too went away for a
weekend, and her idea was to sleep until noon, then have a
looong, leisurely breakfast at Perkins; I wanted to get up and
get moving in the morning (and yes, I would set an alarm--8am is
far later than my normal wakeup time). "If I was going to sleep
all day, I'd have stayed home in my own bed." We also wanted to
do very different things during the day.
So when I said something about a week-long trip to California,
she piped up, "We can go to Universal Studios!" I have no desire
to go to Universal Studios.
And I said, "I'm going to take this vacation myself. We don't
really want the same things out of a vacation, so it's probably
best if we don't try to travel together."
Don't get into specifics, and don't dwell on the negative
aspects of what her vacation style is like. Just say, "We're
very different; my vacation time is precious, so I'm going to
spend it a different way."
#Post#: 61774--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to tell a friend I don't want to travel with them?
By: Lkdrymom Date: December 20, 2020, 1:13 pm
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Finding a person you travel well with is challenging. I have had
vacations ruined by traveling with someone who has a different
travel style. I would just point out that you have different
ideas of vacationing and they don't match. If you can get along
better with separate rooms and compromise on the rest, great.
But if you really don't want to go, please don't waste your time
and money. I saved up to take my pre teens to Disney World. My
father then wanted to go along. While there were some good
points to him going there was a lot of things that did not work.
Taking an 80 year old to DW does change the dynamic of the
trip. Last year we did a family cruise. My husband and I are
early risers. Told the adult kids that while at sea they could
do as they pleased, just expected to see them at dinner. But
when we were in port I wanted to be up and off the ship early
with everyone. It was a decent compromise.
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