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#Post#: 60337--------------------------------------------------
Dealing with unsolicited/unwanted food
By: malfoyfan13 Date: November 17, 2020, 11:38 am
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I have a neighbor who is in her 80s. I have known her over 40
years and consider her a friend (she lives across the street
from where I grew up and now live). Over the past 8 months -
roughly the time of the lockdown - she's been sporadically
giving us meals. I assume it's largely because she is used to
cooking for a crowd, as she and her husband have 3 daughters who
visit often (not so much right now, but in the Before-Time), and
she is probably giving us half of what she cooks rather than
freeze it. She comes over with the food without notice, often
when I have just made whatever we're having for dinner for the
next few days.
Anyway....many of the meals are not things we like and some are
not things my husband can eat. Neither of us can tolerate chili
powder, any kind of hot peppers, cayenne, etc. and these are
often in the things she makes. Sometimes I can eat the food -
such as a soup that was really good. My question is what do we
do? I am adamant about not hurting her feelings over this. But
I feel bad about throwing away food. And about her wasting her
money by making the food and giving it to us when we often can't
or don't want to eat it.
What would you do?? My husband says just accept it and toss it
if we can't eat it, which is what we've been doing, but like I
said I feel bad about that.
#Post#: 60340--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with unsolicited/unwanted food
By: vintagegal Date: November 17, 2020, 11:47 am
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I would tell her what you just said, and ask if she can give you
a heads up before bringing food over. Tell her you plan meals in
advance, have limited fridge/freezer space, etc. I am with you
on the spicy foods, I would not hesitate to tell someone,
"Neither of us can eat spicy foods."
And DON'T let her food in the door - turn it away on the
doorstep. She shows up with a pot of stew- "Oh dear, we have
meals planned out for the next four days, I have no room to
store that. Thanks for thinking of us though!"
Is there anyone else in the neighborhood that might want it, a
big family maybe? Can you suggest that to her?
#Post#: 60377--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with unsolicited/unwanted food
By: BeagleMommy Date: November 18, 2020, 8:11 am
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I think I would, very gently, say to her "Neighbor, I appreciate
your thoughtfulness, but DH and I both have food restrictions so
I usually plan what we will be eating for the week. Before you
bring something over please call me to see if it is something we
can eat. I would hate to have your yummy food wasted.".
Then, if she shows up unannounced say "Oh, Neighbor, I'm sorry
but I can't accept this. Thank you for thinking of us, though.
Would you like to come in for a coffee in the meantime?".
#Post#: 60387--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with unsolicited/unwanted food
By: Hmmm Date: November 18, 2020, 11:01 am
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I would reach out to her before the next delivery. Maybe you
make something you think she'll enjoy and take to her? Tell her
you've appreciated her thoughtfulness and how much you enjoyed
the soup. And then say that you feel silly not to have brought
it up earlier but that you and your husband have to stay on a
pretty restricted diet and can't tolerate any foods that have
peppers or chili in it and that she should gift those items to
neighbor's who would be able to enjoy them without any ill
effects.
#Post#: 60390--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with unsolicited/unwanted food
By: Hanna Date: November 18, 2020, 11:21 am
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Normally I would let her know but right now, I would just do
what your husband suggests - thank her and throw away what you
cannot eat. She's likely soothing herself by cooking rather. I
know it seems wasteful but instead of worrying about the
food/money I would think of it is something that is keeping her
going during a very bad time
#Post#: 60395--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with unsolicited/unwanted food
By: STiG Date: November 18, 2020, 11:49 am
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I agree with your husband; it's probably helping her keep sane.
I went through the same thing at the beginning; I baked a lot of
bread. Fortunately for me, our local food bank accepted the
loaves I couldn't use or sell.
What I would do, though, is make sure to compliment the foods
you do like, in hopes of steering her towards cooking those
meals more. And then you'll feel less guilty because there will
be less waste. So when she brings something, 'Thank you so
much! That soup you brought last week was delicious.' And then
when she comes the next time, 'Dish was good, but I don't think
it beats that soup!' And when there is something else you like,
'I think this rivals that soup. I can't decide between the two
of them.'
#Post#: 60419--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with unsolicited/unwanted food
By: jpcher Date: November 18, 2020, 2:33 pm
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1923.msg60387#msg60387
date=1605718873]
I would reach out to her before the next delivery. Maybe you
make something you think she'll enjoy and take to her? Tell her
you've appreciated her thoughtfulness and how much you enjoyed
the soup. And then say that you feel silly not to have brought
it up earlier but that you and your husband have to stay on a
pretty restricted diet and can't tolerate any foods that have
peppers or chili in it and that she should gift those items to
neighbor's who would be able to enjoy them without any ill
effects.
[/quote]
Hmmm -- I usually agree with you but I think the bold above
might make her feel that she needs to reciprocate, thus
compounding the problem.
Green is a good thought, but neighbor might respond by bringing
other food over, without the chili/peppers. I think OP doesn't
want any food deliveries (is that correct?)
OP -- I disagree with your husband. Tossing food is such a
waste.
Since you've been friends for 40 years I think you should be
honest with her. Invite her over for coffee OR invite her over
to show you how she made that yummy soup OR invite her over to
help you cook something you enjoy and let her bring some of that
home with her.
I think that with a friendly get-together you could ease into
the conversation about you and DH not being able to eat spicy
food without being offensive.
Knocking on her door to say "Thanks, but No Thanks" just seems
off to me.
Good luck with this, please keep update when possible . . . and
if you're going to toss food? Please try to find a place that
can use it instead.
#Post#: 60432--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with unsolicited/unwanted food
By: DaDancingPsych Date: November 18, 2020, 6:07 pm
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Do you know anyone or any groups who might appreciate her
offerings? A gentle, polite decline might have less sting if she
knew that her cooking could still be appreciated.
#Post#: 60437--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with unsolicited/unwanted food
By: malfoyfan13 Date: November 18, 2020, 8:29 pm
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Thank you, everyone, for your replies, which are helpful. I
agree that she's probably using cooking as a kind of solace.
Also, we regularly run errands for her and she's probably using
the food as a thank-you. She's always been so nice to us that I
would never want to hurt her in any way. I like the idea of
trying to steer her towards the things she's made that we liked.
I could probably freeze some of the things she gives us if it's
something we can eat. My husband is just so restricted that
it's difficult and I generally don't want to explain his issues
to people because it often results in unsolicited medical
advice.
#Post#: 60466--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dealing with unsolicited/unwanted food
By: kckgirl Date: November 19, 2020, 8:32 am
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If you have a local place that serves meals to anyone in the
community who needs them, you might be able to drop off what you
cannot eat there. We have a place here. No food is prepared on
site; all items are brought hot and ready to serve by volunteer
cooks.
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