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#Post#: 61652--------------------------------------------------
Re: Adult children living at home
By: DaDancingPsych Date: December 17, 2020, 7:35 am
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I think finances and chores (and really everything that we've
discussed in this thread) comes down to communication. As long
as everyone can come to agreement, then I think that agreement
is fine for them. And when the agreement is not working, then I
think another conversation is needed. But when someone is
silently upset with another, that is when the real problems
start!
#Post#: 61660--------------------------------------------------
Re: Adult children living at home
By: lowspark Date: December 17, 2020, 8:19 am
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[quote author=Andi_3k link=topic=1909.msg61640#msg61640
date=1608167378]
[quote author=lowspark link=topic=1909.msg61632#msg61632
date=1608152174]
As far as helping around the house or paying rent, I don't think
there's a one-size fits all answer. I'd want everyone whose
residence impacts the household to help with mitigating that
impact. So if they are eating groceries, they need to contribute
to that in both paying and shopping. If they are using the
bathroom/kitchen/whatever room, they need to contribute to the
care of those rooms. OR an agreement needs to be made about
reciprocal chores. Maybe I don't go shopping for food but I cook
x times a week, for example. Maybe I don't cook but I do kitchen
clean up. It's just a matter of coming up with a mutually
agreeable arrangement.
Rent -- well, it sort of depends. If they can afford it and are
living there for some other convenience, they probably ought to
contribute. If they are struggling financially, maybe not.
Again, though, it needs to be a mutual agreement. And mutual
doesn't mean (adult) kid says "I don't want to" and parent gives
in.
[/quote]. Depends- there are things I will not under any
circumstances do - and some things I will. Mom is probably the
most exacting person I have known when it comes to placement of
objects ion her shelve, I know officially diagnosed OCD patients
with more tolerance for things not being done exactly as she
wants. After a lifetime of “do it again til it’s right “ I am
not putting myself through that again. I also don’t babysit her
friends kids/grandkids when they come over. I don’t think I need
to be slave labor ever again- I’ve have enough of that, too.
She’s got one couple who won’t come over any more because “ we
told your daughter to watch Bradley and she told us it’s not her
responsibility- she needs to learn her place” No, no and most
emphatically no- I had enough holidays, days off and vacations
ruined as a younger adult to even be subjected to that again- my
stance is I don’t have kids, I didn’t bring or invite kids, I
don’t take care of kids. The youngest child in my circle of
friends is 15 and doesn’t need a babysitter- mom tried arguing
once and I asked why the responsibility is more on me than the
parents and she’s never given me a reason- there is none
[/quote]
Yup. "Mutually agreeable" is the operative phrase here.
Of course, everyone has to come to their own terms. I'm just
stating my opinion here, and how I would operate if I were in
this situation. But if you (general you -- all yous in this are
general you) are living rent free and/or impacting expenses and
the state of the household, then you need to contribute somehow.
I don't consider that slave labor since you are receiving room
and possibly board in return. It doesn't need to be something
you absolutely abhor doing, but it needs to be something.
#Post#: 61693--------------------------------------------------
Re: Adult children living at home
By: SioCat Date: December 17, 2020, 7:20 pm
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I’m a little late here, but I have to disagree with most. Adult
kids living with their parents are more like roommates. And
while I think it’s nice to let your roommates know if you’re not
coming home or if you’re coming home late, it shouldn’t be
required. If a roommate required it of me, I’d consider them
unreasonable and I’d be looking for a nice place to live.
#Post#: 61698--------------------------------------------------
Re: Adult children living at home
By: AliciaLynette Date: December 18, 2020, 1:17 am
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[quote author=SioCat link=topic=1909.msg61693#msg61693
date=1608254409]
I’m a little late here, but I have to disagree with most. Adult
kids living with their parents are more like roommates. And
while I think it’s nice to let your roommates know if you’re not
coming home or if you’re coming home late, it shouldn’t be
required. If a roommate required it of me, I’d consider them
unreasonable and I’d be looking for a nice place to live.
[/quote]
You wouldn't want your room mates to start looking for you if
you're more than say 3 hours or so later home than you should
be, or don't show for a few days, or your car seems to have
disappeared?
It's basic safety, really - if they know roughly that you get
home from work around 6pm every day, but on fridays you go to a
friend's and don't get in till after midnight, then if Gods
forbid something should happen to you and you get into a car
crash or worse, they will know to start contacting your
friends/emergency services.
When I lived with my mum for a while, before I met OH, the
standard rule was: no need to give details just a rough
timescale of where you're going (work/shopping/friends/etc) and
what time you're expecting to walk back in the door. And that
did go both ways, because yes it's more like a room mate
situation that parent/child dynamics.
#Post#: 61699--------------------------------------------------
Re: Adult children living at home
By: Aleko Date: December 18, 2020, 3:22 am
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[quote]And while I think it’s nice to let your roommates know if
you’re not coming home or if you’re coming home late, it
shouldn’t be required. If a roommate required it of me, I’d
consider them unreasonable and I’d be looking for a nice place
to live.[/quote]
But if meals are routinely cooked and served communally, don’t
you think your roommates are entitled to know that you don’t
plan to be home in time to eat supper? Or indeed that you won’t
be helping to cook it as usual?
And do you expect them simply to go to bed leaving the chain off
the door and the burglar alarm not on until you get in, if
indeed you come home that night at all?
#Post#: 61704--------------------------------------------------
Re: Adult children living at home
By: Jem Date: December 18, 2020, 9:17 am
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[quote author=SioCat link=topic=1909.msg61693#msg61693
date=1608254409]
I’m a little late here, but I have to disagree with most. Adult
kids living with their parents are more like roommates. And
while I think it’s nice to let your roommates know if you’re not
coming home or if you’re coming home late, it shouldn’t be
required. If a roommate required it of me, I’d consider them
unreasonable and I’d be looking for a nice place to live.
[/quote]
This is why I would never want to live with my parents as an
adult, nor would I want an adult child living with me. It's a
strange dynamic that, in my opinion, does not aid in developing
or maintaining a positive parent/child relationship. If an adult
child wants to be considered independent, I think they should
live independently.
#Post#: 61707--------------------------------------------------
Re: Adult children living at home
By: TootsNYC Date: December 18, 2020, 11:10 am
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[quote author=Jem link=topic=1909.msg61704#msg61704
date=1608304647]
[quote author=SioCat link=topic=1909.msg61693#msg61693
date=1608254409]
I’m a little late here, but I have to disagree with most. Adult
kids living with their parents are more like roommates. And
while I think it’s nice to let your roommates know if you’re not
coming home or if you’re coming home late, it shouldn’t be
required. If a roommate required it of me, I’d consider them
unreasonable and I’d be looking for a nice place to live.
[/quote]
This is why I would never want to live with my parents as an
adult, nor would I want an adult child living with me. It's a
strange dynamic that, in my opinion, does not aid in developing
or maintaining a positive parent/child relationship. If an adult
child wants to be considered independent, I think they should
live independently.
[/quote]
My adult daughter lives with me, and you're right--it's a
strange dynamic.
Especially for her dad; he has more trouble with it than I do.
He says goodnight to our daughter--knocking on her door to
interrupt her; I don't, I just go to bed.
I've had roommates, and he never has. So transitioning to a more
detached relationship is easier for me.
#Post#: 61708--------------------------------------------------
Re: Adult children living at home
By: Judecat Date: December 18, 2020, 11:31 am
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[quote author=SioCat link=topic=1909.msg61693#msg61693
date=1608254409]
I’m a little late here, but I have to disagree with most. Adult
kids living with their parents are more like roommates. And
while I think it’s nice to let your roommates know if you’re not
coming home or if you’re coming home late, it shouldn’t be
required. If a roommate required it of me, I’d consider them
unreasonable and I’d be looking for a nice place to live.
[/quote]
So, your roommates are expected to just leave the light on and
the security system in case you want to come home whenever?
Yeah, you would be looking for a new place, because you
wouldn't be living with any of the people I've home shared with.
We only share with reasonable adults -- not over-entitled
overaged teenagers.
#Post#: 61710--------------------------------------------------
Re: Adult children living at home
By: sandisadie Date: December 18, 2020, 11:58 am
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It seems to me that if everyone living in a household is
agreeable not to let it be known about their comings and goings,
then that's ok. Nobody will care or worry if you are absent.
If you do care about letting people know, then you should make
sure that all the housemates are in agreement with your thinking
before moving in.
#Post#: 61712--------------------------------------------------
Re: Adult children living at home
By: Boeun Date: December 18, 2020, 12:19 pm
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When my husband lived with his parents they asked him to tell
them if he wasn't coming home so they knew to put the security
alarm on before they went to bed.
Also every Sunday they had a big family dinner with his
grandparents, they asked to be told if he wouldn't be there for
dinner so they knew not to set him a place.
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