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#Post#: 59567--------------------------------------------------
Adult children living at home
By: jpcher Date: October 30, 2020, 3:10 pm
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Do you expect, or wish, your adult children that are living with
you would tell you if they are spending a night (or two) away
from home?
I believe this is an etiquette question, or perhaps a courtesy
question amongst family members?
DD#1 has been living outside of my home since Freshman in
college, coming home for the first two summers until she moved
out completely (8? years ago? Oh, my goodness, has it been that
long?) I've never questioned her about whether she made it to
her home last night.
DD#2 lived outside of our home for over a year and I never
questioned her about her actions either.
However, since DD#2 is living back in our home and she's always
been forthcoming with information "I'm going here with so-n-so,
I'll be back later." Which I think is fine, enough information,
I don't need to know details.
The other day DD#2 said good-bye, loves you, as she left for
work in the morning. She didn't come home that night. (I'm
usually in bed before she comes home, but I do wake up when I
hear the front door opening and closing.)
When I woke up the next morning and found that she didn't come
home I started to worry (maybe she's dead in a ditch). It was
about 10am when I sent her an email "Are you alive?" She
responded "I'm alive and well."
So I let it be. I responded with a "Yay!" That night I don't
know what time she came home, I was zonked, so it was late,
didn't hear her come in.
But I was very worried! Because this was unusual behavior for
her, however she's an adult and should be able to come and go as
she pleases, right?
I think that it's a bit odd for me to worry about the DDs when
they're living with me but not when the don't live with me. But
it still bothers me that DD#2 didn't tell me that she wouldn't
be home.
What is the protocol that you have with your adult children
living with you? Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?
Side question -- What expectations do you have for adult
children living with you? House cleaning? Cooking? Shopping?
Other chores? Telling you their schedules, etc.?
#Post#: 59568--------------------------------------------------
Re: Adult children living at home
By: Jem Date: October 30, 2020, 3:33 pm
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I remember a thread with similar questions (maybe from the old
board)?
My position is that it is common courtesy to let people you live
with know your general plans. I don't think you are making a
mountain out of a molehill. If I were you, I would ask DD2 to
going forward let you know if she does not intend to come home
at night.
Regarding expectations....I would expect an adult child living
with me who is not in school full time to pay rent (or have a
specific date by which he or she is moving out) and to be a
member of the household including doing his or her share of
chores and advising as to his or her general schedule. I don't
think that parents do their children any favors by not expecting
them to be fully self supporting adults. I also believe that if
an adult child does not want to follow a parent's house rules,
that adult child should not be living with his or her parents.
I think it would be very difficult on a parent/adult child
relationship to have an adult child living at home long term. It
is a dynamic that is likely to create resentment, based on
anecdotal evidence from many people on both sides (parent and
adult child).
#Post#: 59569--------------------------------------------------
Re: Adult children living at home
By: Hmmm Date: October 30, 2020, 3:45 pm
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Due to Covid, I have 2 adult children living at home. Our
household rule is that if your normal schedule is significantly
different, you must let someone in the family know. And that
includes if you go out for the evening and then decide to not
come home last minute. When I was their age, I had to actually
call and wake someone up. All they have to do is send a text.
Funny enough, the biggest issue we've had was we had told the
kids we were going kayaking and we both are certain we indicated
we wouldn't be back home till the next day. When we weren't home
at 9ish, we started getting texts to make sure we were still
alive and hadn't drowned somewhere.
I will say I had the same rules with roommates when I was young.
No reason to make people worry.
So ask her how she would feel if you did not arrive home from
work at your normal time.
#Post#: 59570--------------------------------------------------
Re: Adult children living at home
By: iolaus Date: October 30, 2020, 3:48 pm
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I have two adult daughters living at home.
I ask them to text me if they won't be in that night. In all
honesty if they aren't back by 11 they do tend to text me, even
if it's to say I'm going to be late back, or on my way, as they
know thats roughly when I go to bed
#Post#: 59571--------------------------------------------------
Re: Adult children living at home
By: chigger Date: October 30, 2020, 3:52 pm
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Just went through sort of the same. Our youngest son moved back
in, and was a joy to have at first. Then he became blind to the
fact trash needs to be taken out, rinse your dishes and put in
the dishwasher, etc. Our house rules were always "If you see it
needs done, do it". Normally he is home midnight or 1 a.m. at
the latest. He rocked in at 3:30 a.m. and by then, my husband
was worried (dead in a ditch).
My husband decided to address it all at one time starting with
"You are a grown man that can do as he pleases, but give me the
courtesy of a text, so we don't worry about you." He then
reminded son of the house rule and the fact that it has not
changed, just because son is an adult and pays a nominal rent.
Son understood, and everything is back to how it should be.
#Post#: 59573--------------------------------------------------
Re: Adult children living at home
By: chigger Date: October 30, 2020, 4:08 pm
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To answer your question, I expect my son to help with the
cleaning, bring home some groceries (especially what he eats, in
example we pretty much alternate who buys milk, bread and cold
cuts). I prefer to know when he's home at night, because I'll
make more for dinner, or I'll say you are on your own. He will
generally treat his Dad and I to carry out once a week or so,
which is his way of paying back for the meals I make that he's
included in. It's a weird hybrid of landlord/roommate/parent
thing. I think it boils down to pull your weight like a
roommate, but remember, we are your parents, we love you and
worry! Stay out late, or even all night, but give the courtesy
of a text.
ETA: It's not odd at all to not worry about your kids when they
live away! When they are with you, you know their habits, and
when the habits change, of course you are going to worry,
especially with daughters!
#Post#: 59592--------------------------------------------------
Re: Adult children living at home
By: Winterlight Date: October 31, 2020, 9:55 am
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I think it's a basic security issue to know who is in the house
and when they're coming home. If nothing else, you want to be
able to tell emergency services how many people they might be
looking for in a house fire.
#Post#: 59593--------------------------------------------------
Re: Adult children living at home
By: Lilipons Date: October 31, 2020, 10:04 am
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It’s not only adult children who should make someone in the
household aware of a change in routine. Everyone should.
Right after we retired, Mr. Pons announced he was going out to
buy a bagel for breakfast. Normally, this would have taken a
maximum of ten minutes. He was gone for over two hours and I
was getting frantic.
It turned out that he also went to the gym. If he had said that
when he left I wouldn’t have worried. I’m not ‘keeping tabs’ on
him but a reasonable time frame would be helpful to know.
#Post#: 59594--------------------------------------------------
Re: Adult children living at home
By: Dazi Date: October 31, 2020, 10:20 am
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When I was younger I thought that if you are an adult, that it
was your business. Now I believe you should let your household
members know your general plans, when to expect you, and at
least a text if there was a change of plans and you decided to
stay out all night.
What changed my opinion was a very horrible tragedy. An old
friend was kidnapped, raped, and murdered by a serial killer. No
one even realized she was missing well into the second or third
day because she never clued anyone in on what she was doing. The
other crazy was that I had met the serial killer as well, some
years earlier, and I avoided him because the dude creeped me the
eff out. I was not shocked when they caught him and I saw the
news report, everyone else was.
#Post#: 59596--------------------------------------------------
Re: Adult children living at home
By: sms Date: October 31, 2020, 11:44 am
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Back in my university days my roommates and I were very cavalier
about our comings and goings. Someone not coming home at night
wouldn't have raised an eyebrow. But that wasn't smart.
it's common sense and common courtesy to let people know your
approximate plans and timings - not out of being controlling but
out of respect for the functioning of the household.
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