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#Post#: 58516--------------------------------------------------
How to be supportive after loss of a family member during a
pandemic.
DIR By: SureJan
Date: October 6, 2020, 8:48 am
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My boyfriend and I found out last night that one of our friends
lost their parent in a fairly trauma inducing way [spoiler] they
had been dead for a week, alone in their apartment before anyone
found out [/spoiler]
Normally my go-to in a situation like this is to make a large
tray of food and bring it over while sitting with the
family/just *being* there but right now the second isn't
possible and I'm not sure the first is something that would be
welcome. I'm always wary of having food delivered because it
can be difficult to know when people will be available and I
don't want to cause more of a hassle.
This is someone we both like a lot (and in fact one of only 2
sets of friends that we have seen since March - socially
distanced of course) but that I only really got to know late
last year (my boyfriend has been friends with her and her
husband for years but it just never really worked out for us to
meet prior to that) so I want to be supportive without looking
like a "grief vulture"
So basically I was wondering if anyone has been in a similar
situation (on either side) and what they did or found the most
helpful.
#Post#: 58518--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to be supportive after loss of a family member during a
pandemic.
DIR By: Jem
Date: October 6, 2020, 9:14 am
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This is not going to be a one size fits all answer. Only people
who actually know the people grieving will be able to answer how
best to support them. After my husband died a group of friends
donated money to provide me with a significant value of gift
cards for a local grocery store - I very much appreciated that,
especially because I don't enjoy the types of food people often
bring (like casseroles or heavy dishes). That might be a good
option for you here?
#Post#: 58521--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to be supportive after loss of a family member during a
pandemic.
DIR By: Winterlight
Date: October 6, 2020, 11:10 am
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Yeah, I think a gift card would be a safe choice. Maybe to
somewhere like Fred Meyer, if you have one locally (all purpose
store, you can buy groceries, furniture, clothes, tools, etc) or
a restaurant you know they like.
#Post#: 58525--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to be supportive after loss of a family member during a
pandemic.
DIR By: NFPwife
Date: October 6, 2020, 12:30 pm
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I'll third gift cards to a grocery store or restaurant. In my
husband's family, it's common to send a check to help cover
unexpected expenses. Finally, a memorial donation if you're
aware of where to contribute.
#Post#: 58526--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to be supportive after loss of a family member during a
pandemic.
DIR By: BeagleMommy
Date: October 6, 2020, 12:54 pm
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What a terrible situation for your friend.
I would also recommend a gift card to a local grocery store or
restaurant you know they like. After that, a phone call (or
Zoom call) expressing your condolences and letting your friend
know you are available if they need anything.
#Post#: 58528--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to be supportive after loss of a family member during a
pandemic.
DIR By: sms
Date: October 6, 2020, 12:56 pm
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--- Quote from: Jem link ---
>
> This is not going to be a one size fits all answer. Only
people who actually know the people grieving will be able to
answer how best to support them. After my husband died a group
of friends donated money to provide me with a significant value
of gift cards for a local grocery store - I very much
appreciated that, especially because I don't enjoy the types of
food people often bring (like casseroles or heavy dishes). That
might be a good option for you here?
>
--- End Quote ---
I agree. I was widowed young and suddenly. What I found
helpful was just people helping with all the details I wasn't
prepared for - the executorship, the funeral planning, the
financials etc.
#Post#: 58529--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to be supportive after loss of a family member during a
pandemic.
DIR By: SureJan
Date: October 6, 2020, 1:35 pm
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Thank you everyone, a gift card is a great idea and probably
what we will end up doing.
#Post#: 58556--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to be supportive after loss of a family member during a
pandemic.
DIR By: Winterlight
Date: October 7, 2020, 7:15 am
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--- Quote from: Xainte link ---
>
> [quote author=Jem link=topic=1884.msg58518#msg58518
date=1601993659]
> This is not going to be a one size fits all answer. Only
people who actually know the people grieving will be able to
answer how best to support them. After my husband died a group
of friends donated money to provide me with a significant value
of gift cards for a local grocery store - I very much
appreciated that, especially because I don't enjoy the types of
food people often bring (like casseroles or heavy dishes). That
might be a good option for you here?
>
--- End Quote ---
I agree. I was widowed young and suddenly. What I found
helpful was just people helping with all the details I wasn't
prepared for - the executorship, the funeral planning, the
financials etc.
[/quote]
When one of my friends was widowed unexpectedly several years
ago, she asked me to spend the day with her while she did
paperwork she was stalling on. She needed me to sit with her,
not actually do much, but just be there, and I did.
#Post#: 58577--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to be supportive after loss of a family member during a
pandemic.
DIR By: betty
Date: October 7, 2020, 1:33 pm
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It's tough because grief is different for everyone.
My father passed away recently. A friend wanted to bring me a
meal or flowers or something. I don't want or need any of that,
and accepting any of that would be a burden for me.
It's enough to me that she was available by phone when he was in
the hospital. That was truly the most supportive thing she could
have done, giving me someone to talk to when I just needed to
talk to someone.
Now I am dealing with banks and investment companies and
insurance companies. (He had sold his home and moved into
assisted living, or we'd have even more places to call.) I'm
doing ok, but it would be super helpful if someone else would
call those places for me, and ask for the information we'll need
to report his death. I've spent a lot of time on the phone to
find out, "Mail a letter and the death certificate to this
address." or "Fill in this form and send it to this address."
#Post#: 58589--------------------------------------------------
Re: How to be supportive after loss of a family member during a
pandemic.
DIR By: STiG
Date: October 7, 2020, 4:23 pm
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I think it is different for everyone, pandemic or not.
I agree, in this situation, that gift cards are the way to go.
When my FIL passed away, I offered to handle organizing the
luncheon for after the service, since I am a member of the
organization whose building we used and of the local church who
usually manages the food for such things. Double checked with
my BIL that he was ok with that and I ran with it. Gave me
something to do and something for other family to do, who wanted
to help - I got them to bring some desserts. And then my union
gave me an honorarium because of his passing so I didn't even
have to bother MIL with how much anything cost because the
honorarium pretty much covered the cost.
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